Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Desyrn,
    
    I have no idea where this custom originated or when. It was definitely
    not the custom when I married 23 years ago.
    
    Personnally I find it tasteless, and definitely not a requirement
    for an American wedding.
    
    The simple solution as far as I am concerned is for the engaged
    couple to mutually agree not to shove cake.
    
    Bonnie

    Desryn,
    	I have seen it done both ways. I think the shove-version is
    hilarious, but at the same time, rather tacky. It shows that the couple
    are fun-loving. The delicate version is a very loving gesture, and beautiful
    to watch.
    
    I think the groom is being a boor if he won't give in on this point. A
    wedding does not need to be a spectator sport of spoofs... but that is
    the way some people do it.
    
    There's also a custom at some weddings that when you hit your spoon to
    a glass, the bride and groom must IMMEDIATELY kiss. You can make them
    run across the room to find each other if you want. Its fun! But only
    if you know that the bride and groom feel like putting up with it.

    I've only seen cake-smushing done at one wedding, the rest I've seen
    were fairly normal....
    
    I don't think it's at all a tradition, but if the couple wants to do it
    I'm not going to get in their way (particularly when they're wielding
    cake!)....
    
    -Jody
    

    
    I agree with Jody that it's not really a tradition, just an
    alteration of one.  All I know is that at my wedding, I'm
    going to arrange for Kevin to feed me first.  If he smooshes
    cake, he's dead meat :-)...actually he enjoys teasing me 
    about it, but I dont' think he'll do it (if he knows what;s
    good for him!)

    Neil and I gave each other a bite at the same time, as a symbol of
    our sharing our life and livelihood. 
    
    I've never seen the smooshing done anywhere but in the movies or
    on TV.  I don't see anything fun, or fun-loving, about it.  Can
    you name any other circumstance, outside of TV or movies, where
    one person smearing cake in another person's face wouldn't be
    grounds for an assault charge?
    
    --bonnie

	Well, to show you how much of a "tradition" this is, when I saw an 
earlier note in here that mentioned cake Smooshing, I did a double-take and 
said "what??!?!"

	Most definately, Gary and I did not shove cake.  We did the twine your 
arms around and gently place the cake routine.

	I'd tell the groom that if he wants cake in his face, he can have it, 
but I want my cake in my mouth where it belongs!

Tracey

    I attended one wedding a few years back with the B & G doing
    the smushing and it carried out into the parking lot and got 
    both sides of the family involved.  It was piteouslly funny.
    This union was doomed from the start.  The B & G are now involved
    in a very, messy, bitter divorce with two kids as primary victims.
    

    I've seen both cake feeding and cake used as a weapon, and I don't
    like the idea of smearing cake all over one's spouse in public. It
    shows  a lack of respect that would scare me if I were involved in
    the wedding.  (We didn't have a cake, so that issue was moot.)

    One wedding  I went to had one person threatening the other before
    feeding  more  or less reasonably. It didn't give great confidence
    in that marriage.

    I have  heard  a  (possibly  apocryphal) story of a groom smashing
    cake  in  his  wife's  face getting her so upset that she ran off,
    locked  herself  in  her  room  and  filed for an anullment in the
    morning.  She  seems justified to me, as this sounds like it could
    be a prelude to more general abuse.

--David

    
    I've also seen both.  Cake-smooshing and cake feeding.
    
    My sister and her husband did a variation of cake smooshing.  
    At the last minute, they
    turned around and smooshed it into the maid of honor's (moi) and
    the best man's face.  (personally, I didn't like this variation :-)!).
    However, if he's determined to make light of cake-cutting ceremony,
    it may be an acceptable version.
    
    I did have a friend who ducked when her husband threw the cake at
    her and he got his mother. 
    
    My husband and I opted for cake feeding especially since we had
    a chocolate wedding cake.
    

    I've seen both. At one wedding, where the cake-feeding was done, the B
    & G were boo'd. I didn't boo and thought that it was incredibly tacky
    on the part of the boo'ers. 
    
    At my wedding, we smooshed. Did we ever!!! We both had to go the
    bathroom and clean up. It was so bad that we couldn't breathe through
    our respective noses. We are divorced now, so maybe it is bad luck.
    
    Hey!!! A new wedding tradition. It's considered bad luck to smoosh the
    cake on each other at the reception. Do it during the honeymoon. :-)
    
    Phil

    there is a fairly consistent trend here... smoshed cake, smoshed
    marriage...
    Personally, I find that feeding with respect shows the respect that
    must follow for a long, durable marriage. My husband would have never
    shovel any of it to me because it would have been his first and LAST!
    We simultaneously fed each other, intertweening our arms to the
    applause of all guests in the party and then kissed! to more applause!
    I still find it was plain beautiful after 26 years...
    wish I could marry again, (to the same person, of course!)

    My husband and I did not throw cake at each other (people who are old 
    enough to get married are too old to engage in food fights) neither
    did we cut our cake to the tune of 'The farmer in the dell'.
    
    I'm not an an exceedingly conservative person - in fact, most people
    who know me well consider me to be fairly rebelious.  But - marriage is
    serious business and should be entered into with some dignity.  We
    invited people to our wedding to help us celebrate our marriage - not
    to be entertained by a spectacle.

But then again, in an ideal world, shouldn't it be possible to



heave your cake and eat it too?  :-}

D.

    On his wedding day my brother, under threats, fed his wife very nicely. 
    She then turned around and smooshed it all over his face.  He grabbed
    her and gave her a big kiss thus shoving the cake in her face.  It was 
    all in fun and they are still married after 8 years.
    
    However, my husband and I chose not to do that particular tradition. 
    So, cake smooshing is definately not mandatory.

    I've seen it both ways, but to be honest I've never seen smooshing at
    weddings where the B & G are over 30.  Now smooching ... that's another
    story!
    
    Mary

    We just cut the cake together.  My husband didn't like the idea of
    feeding each other and I didn't care if we did it or not.  We both
    agreed that smooshing it in each other's face was definitely out.  So
    we opted for not feeding each other, and no one boo'ed or anything.  If
    anyone had said anything we would have told them we were old enough to
    feed ourselves.  We also didn't kiss when people tapped their glasses
    with the silverware.  When they started it, we kissed other people in
    the bridal party.  When it turned out that the people starting in were
    his young male cousins, the bridesmaids and I went over and kissed
    them each time they did it.  They stopped pretty quickly.

    
    Being from the UK I can't believe that some people actually shove cake
    in their partner's face at their wedding!  In the UK you just cut it
    together, and then everyone applauds as if you've just done something
    really difficult!!
    
    I got married in June and would have had a fit if my husband had even
    suggested shoving cake in my face!  And as, as far as I know, that
    custom is unheard of in the UK, so would most of the guests!
    
    Sam
    

    Personally, I blame the cake-shoving business at photographers,
    professional and otherwise. I'm sure the first time(s) it happened it
    was (more or less) accidental - nervous person trying to insert chunk
    of cake in new spouse's mouth jerked a bit and smeared the frosting,
    and the combination of all that formalware and the "food-fight"
    implication struck everyone as quite amusing... the first time or two,
    anyway. But since then, I've seen wedding photographers actually
    programming weddings as photo opportunities, including instructing
    the happy couple on how to do the cake-feeding/smooshing ritual. "OK,
    now smear it down his chin <click>; that's great! Now you dab the
    frosting on her nose <click>"...
    
    And now that scenes like that are appearing on those supposedly-funny
    home-video shows, I foresee the situation becoming worse. Brides will
    be expected to faint at least once during the ceremony, grooms will
    have to leave the altar to use the bathroom, somebody will have to fall
    down and/or have their clothing rip in embarrassing ways...
    
    Grump, grump, grump. This is far from the worst annoyance I've come
    across - but isn't it interesting that such a small thing can make
    people so wild?
    
    -b

    I was the matron of honor at one wedding where she fed him cake and
    he smashed cake in her face.  She then hit him with a right hook, 
    knocked him unconscious, and he fell under the table.  They divorced 
    8 months later.  
    
    I personally don't think there's any room for cake smashing at *any* 
    wedding!  It's just not my idea of a fun time.
    
    Jane

Oh, well.  Then there are those of us who are just plain uncouth who had a 
great time getting frosting in our new spouse's face.

(*8

E Grace

    
    Me and my wife *loved* shoving cake at each other. If you cannot take a
    joke with your own spouse than I don't think you should be getting
    married.                       
    
                                                  Eric
                                           

    
    re .21
    
    I'd like to believe that its more true that the two people are well
    suited if EITHER:
    	- both enjoy the cake smush
    	- both enjoy the quiet, dignified approach.
    
    Its when one wants to and the other doesn't that creates problems.
    Some people would not consider it a joke "shared". Some couples would.
    I hope there's room in the world for jokers and non-jokers...

Like the base noter I was bemused to discover this facet of American life on
arrival. No version of this ceremony is common in the part of Britain I hail 
from.

Similarly my wife (Thai) did not understand this behavoural pattern.

However to pick up on the "if you can't take a joke" theme: I do not consider
this to be a joke. Not a "practical" joke. Not a "light hearted" joke. Not *any*
sort of joke. It is the sort of juvenile behaviour I would stamp on at a party 
for preschoolers. It is about as funny as laughing at somebody falling on a
banana skin and breaking a limb.

Fortunately when we married (in the US) we agreed beforehand that neither of us
would do this in such a way as to make the other lose face. We would both have
preferred to not do it. We didn't want to do it. But our American friends 
insisted - mainly so they could take pictures!

Cultures differ. National ideas of humour differ. It is apparently considered
funny in America to push cake in people's faces. It is considered de rigeur to
"roast" people at parties held in their honour. In other cultures dignity is
far, far more important, and the loss of dignity - "face" if you will - is not
to be tolerated, and certainly not to be considered a laughing matter. If the
couple mentioned in the base note were both of the same culture, and indeed both
from a culture that finds such behaviour amusing, then I would agree that 
"lighten up" is appropriate. But they aren't, and in the circumstances one 
questions the ability of the cake-smashers to identify with the mores of the
other more dignified cultural background.

/. Ian .\

    
    The day belongs to the folks getting married...  Play, dance, eat cake
    -- whatever it is that expresses the joy you feel!
    
    I remember when a cousin of mine got married, the minister came to
    the rehearsal wearing a sleeveless top.  All during the rehearsal
    dinner, the only thing my aunt (the bride's mother) could talk about
    was the fact that the minister didn't shave under her arms :-)  I
    almost said, "you should see the hair on the singer!" (me :-)  ha, ha.
    
    I always have the most fun at weddings where there's a little bit of
    rebellion or some kind of irreverence from the "young folk" getting
    married...  
    
    Justine

    re .22, I agree.  The important thing is that both know what the other
    considers to be a joke.  I think I have a pretty good sense of humor,
    but I don't really enjoy physical humor and I would be p*ssed to have
    some clown (especially some clown I was about to marry) shove cake in
    my face.
    
    Lorna
    

    I agree with .25.   It is the day for the bride and groom...I 
    plan SMOOSHING it in scott's face and if he chooses to do the same
    than fine.....it will be our day!!!! 
    
    Candy
    

    re .22, .26 .27  YES!  It is important that BOTH people agree..then
    anything goes..............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    

    I have read only the basenote and not any replies...
    
    I think if it were *my* wedding again, I'd rather do it like it's
    described in the trysting note.
    
    However, my son got married last March.  They managed to get a little
    frosting on each others' faces without getting it on their clothes and
    without really "shoving"!  Actually, the cake bit reminded me of the
    Tom Jones eating scene -- which is *very* suggestive.  (Anyone here old
    enough to remember that movie -- seems like ages ago...)
    
    There are a lot of other "traditions" I
    don't particularly care for -- like all the stuff surrounding the
    garter bit -- but all in all, *their* reception -- it bugs me when the
    reception is referred to as the "wedding" as though *it* were the
    solemn ceremony rather than a praty-celebration -- seemed like a
    celebration of sensuality and sexual love, etc., and, in that context,
    wasn't as offensive to me.  I mean, really, do we have to be serious
    all the time? How about a little bawdiness now and then?  (But let's
    make it "equal" :-) )
    
    
    
    Nancy

    
    Well, I spoke to my girlfriend recently.She said that herself and
    her groom-to-be have agreed NOT to shove cake in each other's faces.
    She said that she made it quite clear that SHE would consider it
    a form of hitting her..that is abuse. (please no flames, everyone is
    entitled to his/her preferences with regards to his/her body).
    
    She said that she's discovered a lot of cultural differrences while
    they were speaking about this and he has accepted that there will be
    more instances where they will disagree but they have agreed to always
    discuss it and respect each other's opinions.
    
    Well, the wedding is next weekend. I will tell you what happens!!!!
    Can't wait!
    
    Desryn.

    
    It's true that I've not seen it done at weddings where the
    bride and groom were over 25 years of age.  I'd hope that the
    younger folks doing it will be able to grow together in their
    relationship, as well as 'grow up' together.
    

    
    	We smooshed.  It was fun.  Our family and friends applauded.
    	We laughed.  No damage done to us or our clothing.
    
    	Though I can't say the same for the floor....
    

    
    Well, I went to the wedding. It was beautiful!!! They put the cake
    carefully into each other's mouths and then kissed.sighhhhhhhh.
    
    A few people started to boo, but everyone ignored them and
    everything went ahead as planned.
    
    Desryn.