Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    
    	Maybe he's seeing someone else locally...?
    

>What kind of person does this sort of thing???

 An immature one. (Yes, I'm being judgemental. Habit.)

 Perhaps the best move for you right now is to try to forget him and get
on with your life. Stop trying to contact him, try to stop thinking about
him. Start pursuing your own life without him (I sense that it is unlikely
that you will ultimately end up with him, even though you may still
fantasize about such.) Try to suppress those thoughts of a white picket
fence resolution and take steps to live your own life without him. It's
ultimately going to be his loss, because you will find someone better 
than him anyway. I know it's tough to deal with this now, but the sooner you 
get over him the better off you're going to be. He sounds like a jerk.
(IMO, of course.)

 The Doctah

	Ouch.  Reading .0 hurt.  I pulled one of these awful
	stunts some years ago, in my single days.

	I never got to the point where I encouraged the lady
	to move, but I think she would've, if I'd said the
	word....

	It was fear, stupidity and an incredible capacity to
	take someone wonderful for granted that caused me to:

	1) Stop answering her letters,
	2) Stop calling her.

	I cannot justify  the behaviour at all, yet, due to 
	her wonderful ability to forgive, I was able to become
	her friend again after a couple of years.  We still
	correspond.

	What went through my mind that I'd throw away a wonderful
	relationship with a firebrand like thie woman ?

	I'd been single all my life.
	Many friends had had horror-story marriages and divorces.
	The thought of 'settling down' seemed alien.

	Basically, I was still a kid (at age 30 !).

	I must say that if the author of .0 is getting this treatment,
	this guy is not ready for a long-term relationship.  When
	he is, he will know it, and she'll have a hard time 
	deflecting his attention.

	In the mean time, don't hurt yourself with someone who's not
	grown up yet....

	Steve H (who apologizes to his distant friend with every letter)

    In answer to one of .0's specific questions, yes.  At least some men do
    indeed play the "pretend it never happened" angle if they want out of
    something.
    
    Also, it is possible that after you moved, he found that it was less
    pleasant to see you frequently than it was to see you infrequently and
    on his own terms.
    
    -d

    I know this is no excuse but this type of "psychological abuse" happens
    to men too. In particular I can remember a woman who started acting
    like she had no concern for my feelings after being involved in a
    one-year relationship. It took me a while to realize that I was the one
    doing all the giving and she was the one doing all the taking ! Making
    yourself too available to someone is extremely dangerous sometimes.
    The advice from this guy is: date others, don't call him and pull back
    until it feels comfortable. 

    I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. It's fairly well-known
    in psychological circles that people who can't tolerate intimacy get
    involved with someone who is unavailable, because of distance or
    because they're already married etc. It sounds to me that this is what's
    happening to you. The guy is probably shocked and overwhelmed and
    has no manners. You can either stay without him or move back, but
    either way I think you will be without him.
    
    Eileen

    re.0 >Lots of "hes scared" almost like their condoning it.
    
    Fear is powerful, it can make anybody feel like, and act like,
    a scared little kid. remember, you're _not_ dealing with a 44-
    year-old. Not emotionally. Emotional maturation, unlike chronological
    aging, is not automatic. 

    I'm not an expert but have been 'spurned' before.  When pressed, the
    guy said that he liked having his own place, his own space and that our
    long distance relationship enabled him to enjoy what he had and me.  He
    had ordered his life to have the personal side fill certain needs and
    didn't have any(current) needs to have me around full time. 
    It really hurt to hear this but once I analyzed the relationship I
    realized the reason the partnership worked is that the time we spent
    together was just enough and fulfilled both of us.  Spending more time
    with him made me note that there were some things we didn't have in
    common and that a closer and more permanent relationship wasn't
    possible.
    I don't know the gentleman or you but once one of the partners says
    that anything more 'intense' is not desired...it's time to look
    elsewhere for what he/she can't offer.  It hurts and many be a blow to
    the heart and ego but life does go on.   It did for me - I met a really
    wonderful man less than a year later and we began as friends then the
    relationship matured from there and before we knew it we were married.
    Don't be hard on yourself, seek solace in other friends and activities
    and move on with your life.
    Take care.

    	Having a romantic involvement may not translate into sharing your
    _whole_ lives together.  Not all people have enough interests in
    common to sustain a continuous close daily interaction ...
    
    	Does it negate the interest two people had fo each other that he
    can't translate the initial excitement into a long-term committment?
    Is it also a man's "fault" that he lacks the experience to know how
    a woman wishes him to work his way through her "end game" moves ???
    
    	Some men lack the experience to know how to handle it when it is
    not according to the popular romantic myth and  end up making long
    and aimless drives in their cars not knowing what to do or say next.
    To the other party a man in a romantic crisis may seem to be unaware
    or uncaring or not communicating when in fact he is afraid to maybe
    say the wrong thing and maybe is hoping things will eventually "work
    out right" if he doesn't say or do something dumb this week to destroy
    any possible future they might develop together.
    
    	~--e--~  eagles believe in the strong-and-silent-type male myth