Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Anon., I know how you feel. I've done the same. It sucks. Don't
    push yourself to 'meet new people' etc. You need time to deal
    with your feelings. Alone. Laying it on someone you'd like to
    be close to doesn't help much, and screws up the next relationship.
    I personally found screaming and kicking inanimate objects helped 
    a lot ;-)/2. 
    
    After a while you'll probably be able to deal with this person
    in a business situation. As formal as possible. It will hurt.
    It will fade. Not fast enough.
    
    The good news is, when you least expect it, someone better will 
    find _you_ ;-) 
    
    take care
    Dana

    ...and please, make sure is NOT a colleage!
    
    The worst thing a person can do is... get emotionally involved with
    fellow workers!  Office and personal life should be as far apart as
    possible.
    This is a very sound advice that some might not like.
    

    This is an anonymous reply from someone who is not the basenoter.
    This time I haven't changed anything except one typo.
    
    						Ann B.
    						Comod
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    
i know just what your going through.

a couple weeks ago i broke up a 4 year affair with a coleague because when
push came to shove i had to do what i needed which was to get back with my
spouse.

breaking up an affair like mine is like a divorce, only its worse because you
cant share it with your friends so you dont get the support you need.

your relationship was shorter but i cant say you dont hurt as much as i do
maybe more.

you might end up spending alot of money on therapy, i am already signed up. if
you need to its worth it for your own sanity.

it hurts like a sonofabitch.

my ex lover and i are trying to work it as friends, meaning we will not play
psychiatrist for each other.

we want to treat each other courtously, to not run and hide, to ask stupid
questions, whatever friends are for except the close stuff.

we dont know if we can work it out that way, we could just end up avoiding each
other but we hope not.

whether i deserve it or not at least i am lucky enough to have a spouse who is
willing to work it out too, my spouse knows the whole story and got angry and
is real hurt but wants to work with me to fix it.

its hard but its better than nothing and therapy will help too.

if your not comfortable trying to work it out as friends you shouldnt feel
pushed to try. you have to do what works for you.

everybody else comes afterward.

if you need to meet other guys, thats ok.

let it take time, dont think you have to forget him all at once and all
together and dont feel you have to get interested over every new guy you meet.

the pain will stop someday, anyways i hope it will.

breaking up a serious relationship is one of the most truamatic events in a
persons life.

they say it takes 2 years to get over a divorce, maybe it takes that long to
get over a 5 month relationship too.

good luck.

    re .2
    
 >     The worst thing a person can do is... get emotionally involved with
 >     fellow workers!  Office and personal life should be as far apart as
 >     possible.

    I wouldn't take this advice as gospel! After over 14 years
    marriage, I'd better not. My wife and I met while working for one
    company, and now both work for DEC, both in VMS Development.

    As a side comment, at one point a few years back, when VMS was all
    in one cost center, that cost center included 7 married couples.

    Some people may have trouble mixing work and home. Others don't. I
    don't think a blanket assumption like this is warranted.

        Paul

       I too think it is a mistake to get involved with a co-worker.
       I did it, the relationship did not succeed, and I was very
       uncomfortable working with him after that.

       Most relationships do not succeed in the long run.  I dated TONS
       of men before I finally found the one who I plan to spend the rest 
       of my life with (I pray that this relationship will succeed).  
       If you date somebody and the relationship does not work out, you
       are in an uncomfortable situation.  I'm not saying that work
       and home do not mix... you might get lucky and meet the right
       ONE for you the job (but the odds are against that).  

       For the basenoter, as I said, I dated a co-worker and the
       relationship failed.  I ignored him for a couple of months,
       started dating others, and eventually started talking to him
       again.  We became friends after that, I met some of his friends,
       and one of his friends introduced me to my now husband.  So,
       things worked out in the long run (destiny, I guess).

       Many people find that the best way to get over somebody is to
       avoid that person.  When you have to work with him, you see him
       regularly and you feel uncomfortable and the hurt is still close
       to the surface.  Since you cannot switch jobs, you are in a	
       tough spot.... boy, aren't I helpful.  I think I'll shut up now!

       Karen

    I always said I that after my first marriage I would never 
    date, involvement, marry a decie that works in the same group
    or the same plant as I..... So what happens?!?!?!?! I end
    up meeting, dating, marring a woman who worked in the same
    group as I did... and we have been happy ever since....

    Mistake? not for me...... But ever case is different.... 


    REK

    Well, since I married the man who I met while we were
    working at the same company, and in the same dept...
    and we were seeing each other for three months before
    anyone at work even knew.  Keep it professional at work,
    worked well for us....
    However, I cannot agree or disagree with "should or shouldn't
    someone date where they work?"
    I did go out with someone I worked with years ago, and the
    relationship didn't work out, <He was pushing too fast for
    a permanent relationship, and I wasn't looking for a serious
    rel. at the time> he couldn't take seeing me every day, and
    found another job.  
    
    HRH
    
    
    

    These are normal feelings you have for a ex, whether it's in the
    same office or not. It's just going to take time.  Hurt and all!
     Before too long, you'll forget his name and wonder what you ever
    saw in him!
    
    I had to avoid a certain road, just because I fell hard and had
    to forget this one guy.  Now, it's nothing, it's just a road with
    some old buildings.

    
    be patient with yourself.
    
    And please listen to the small voices inside you, if they say don't try
    to see him as just friends yet, then heed them!
    
    I was told after my most recent breakup that it makes sense to "take
    some time away from each other" before trying to be friends.  We tried
    to be friends and just hang out together but it got really weird and
    all the old issues came up again.  Time apart helps.  Give it some
    space until you're hurting less.  Then see how you feel.
    
    For me, I've tried really hard not to "fish off the corporate pier",
    and have succeeded pretty well.  I think that dating someone from a
    group of people you see/hang-out-with/bump-into all the time might
    become really uncomfortable if things didn't work out.  
    
    -Jody

    re .4:
>    Some people may have trouble mixing work and home. Others don't. I
>    don't think a blanket assumption like this is warranted.
    
    And it's not at all easy to tell how well you _are_ dealing with it.
    
    In a former job, I saw my boss get involved with someone who then used
    the situation to get back at one of my peers.  My boss insisted that
    her judgment of my co-worker's performance on the job was not affected
    by her relationship.
    
    It almost wrecked the group, and I never trusted her fully afterwards.
    
    (So, .0, _please_ be careful.)
    
    Bob

    
    I met my husband at Digital too, and we now work in the same building. 
    Very handy for travelling to and from work, as we've only got the one
    car!! :-)
    
    Seriously though, we're very happy.  It's all very well to say don't
    get involved with someone you work with because it will be
    uncomfortable if it doesn't work out, but aren't you then denying
    yourself the chance to see if it does work out?  Could be you'd be
    blissfully happy with him/her for the rest of your life, but won't even
    go on a 1st date in case it's uncomfortable later.  Bit pessimistic ...
    
    I can understand the motives for the "don't get involved with a
    co-worker" advice, but can't agree.  I'm not saying deliberately look
    inside the workplace for partners, but if a lovely person comes along,
    give them a chance!
    
    Sam