Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    
    
    Anon-
    
    You need to just keep trying.  The minute you start to think that you
    are not "the best" then you lose your self-confidence.  Eventually you
    will find a perfect match.  If I did, anyone can  :-)
    
    Nick
    

    Perhaps it might help to rethink your definition of "success".  
    Isn't it "success" to have loved someone and been loved in return?  Or
    is it success only if you go to the grave with them?  If it's the
    latter case, then you'll never know if you've succeeded or failed until
    you are on your deathbed.  So how badly do you really want to know?
    
    To me success is being honest in your dealings with the opposite sex
    and hopefully you are happy more often than you are sad.  You will
    never "never be sad".  If that perhaps is part of your definition of 
    success, it definitely needs to be rethought.

    
    That is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now, and EXACTLY what I'm
    feeling. I can't begin to tell you how well I know what the pain is
    like. I know well enough that I considered posting an anonymous note
    which is almost word for word the same.
    
    This is one of the things to think about that is helping me out of my
    depression. If you'd like, I'd be happy to talk to you off-line or get
    together for a donut.
    
    - marriage isn't everything. Friendships and relationships with an
    emphasis on personal growth allow you to feel like a winner, instead of
    a failure, more easily. Every time you come out feeling like you
    learned something about yourself, or you learned a new way to relate to
    someone, or you developed a successful strategy for coping with
    conflict, you have won something. My problem was that I wanted my
    relationship to lead to marriage, and when it didn't I felt like a
    failure; hence the opening statement.
    
    'ren

    
    
    
    I'd like to suggest that you take some time to understand what it is
    that you want in a relationship....what type of man have you been
    atrracted to and/or attracting and why ......are they men with the same
    goals, wants, needs etc.?  Are there patterns in your former choices of
    men and/or in what happened in the relationships?  What things in your
    background may be impacting your ability to develop and maintain the
    type of relationship you want and deserve?
    
    There are a couple of ways to do this.  Both require a lot of
    introspection. I found that a good therapist/counselor was what worked
    best for me. One of my friends was able to do it by reading a lot of
    books which were applicable to her background and working through
    things herself and by talking things through with friends (something
    that also helped me when I was going through therapy).   We continue to
    work through things together.  I learn from her insights and
    experiences and vice versa.
    
    I'd also say to you that not all relationships need to be THE
    relationship.  Not that it doesn't hurt when any relationship ends. 
    But, I try to look upon each relationship as a learning experience --
    practice --  that prepares me for the next one.
    
    Best of luck to you.
    Polly
    

    A friend sent me this piece of humor and it struck a chord with me, so
    I am posting it here. I recognize that it is distinctly a male
    viewpoint, and I don't mean to imply that following his implicit advice
    will solve any problems. Its just here to bring a smile.
    
    
    
    


ON MY MIND
~~~~~~~~~~
"Confessions, Confusions, of a Mr. Reliable"
by Casey McCabe

	A lot of men like to convince themselves they were born to be wild.  The
truth of the matter is, most of us were raised to be responsible.

	Personally, I never thought being responsible meant giving up irrever-
ence, spontaneity, and adventure, but I've learned three are only so many im-
promptu midnight Harley rides to Vagus you can take in a year.  The remaining
time is grabbed by people who expect, at the very least, a pattern of depend-
ability.  So, if I say I'll pick a woman up at eight, I'm there at eight.  If by
chance I am running late, I'll call ahead.  I remember birthdays, have never
bounced a check, rarely miss a deadline.  I chip in for birth control.  For
years, I've heard tell these are qualities women yearn for in a man, but lately
I've been less than convinced.



	I recently loaned my dependable shoulder to a friend while she moaned 
and muttered about her rakish, bon-vivant boyfriend.  "My God," she implored,
"why should it be so hard to find a man who's well grounded, who's reliable...
who doesn't hit me up for money?"

	At a party later on, however, I noticed her scoping out the men.  Did
she point out someone and say, "Now there's a responsible looking guy"?  No,
her eyes riveted themselves on the leather-clad musician brooding darkly in the
corner.

	Women have complained to me, too, about the irrefutable male fear of 
commitment.  Now, after many of them finally have landed a committed man, I
hear far more fearful tales of boredom at the hands of a guy whose idea of 
throwing caution to the wind is to say, "Screw the Pictionary game tonight,
Melanie.  Let's rent LETHAL WEAPON instead."



	The rewards of being reliable can indeed be dubious.  I first learned 
this at age twenty, when my girlfriend told me, in a roundabout explanation as
to why she was running off with a cocaine dealer, that I was *too* good for her.
I saw another relationship vaporize when my partner informed me that she thought
we had grown "too comfortable."  I wasn't sure if I was supposed to apologize 
for not developing a loose-cannon personality that would have had her guessing
just who she would wake up with in the morning.  And I couldn't help speculating
there might be a brooding, leather-clad musician behind the whole thing.

	So what exactly is the ideal male romantic partner of the nineties, a 
time when baby-boom women seem to fear being bored as much as they loathe being
single?  The sad fact is that the responsible provider you wanted is apt to
spend a few nights sleeping on the sofa, and the never-a-dull-moment enigma
might just hock the sofa itself and take off for Chile, then test your resolve
with the heartfelt poetry he learned to write in Spanish.



	Most of the male population, of course, falls somewhere between Ward
Cleaver and Billy Idol, but women don't always want to accept that cold reality.
Many still hold out for an Idol, believing it's easier to tame a high-risk case
than to juice up a Ward.  Others might rush to your comforting, trusting arms
one week, but that doesn't mean they won't spend the next wishing you were 
Italian.

	It's a nasty paradox, but one we'll have to work with as we look for
ways to assume a mortgage without also taking on the dangerous comforts of the
responsible life.  In the meantime, I'll maintain my own maddingly reliable
ways - and continue on my own no-less challenging search for that elusive hybrid
of Donna Reed and Tina Turner.

    re .5 umm, what made you think that the article was meant to be
    humorous ? Too damn true, IME.
    
    re .0 Maybe you are, indeed, setting yourself up for failure.
    Lots of people do, for subconscious reasons. Try asking yourself
    what's _good_ about getting involved with the wrong person/guaranteed
    failure. (Yes, I'm serious. The answers might startle you.)

    I agree with Polly (.4).  
    
    Relationships are for sharing and learning and growing, it's a journey.
    Feeling pain at the end/loss of a relationship is part of the journey.
    One road ends and another begins, like a door, out of one room into another.
    
    Why does the end of a relationship = failure?
    Maybe you've just come to the point where it's time for a new traveling
    companion.
    
    Miriam
    

    I used to think that relationships that ended were failures.  It
    happened alot when I was dating men.  That was a big reason for the
    "failure", I was a lesbian who was trying to live the heterosexual
    lifestyle when it wasn't right for me.
    
    My first relationship with a woman ended.  I felt that I had failed
    again, but eventually re-evaluated the relationship to find out what I
    had learned, what was happy about it and let go of the sadness and bad
    stuff.  It took about a year, during which time I did not date.  Then I
    cautiously started dating again.  Very soon I met the woman I have been
    with for almost two years now.  We are very happy, very similar in our
    values and outlook, and are looking forward to spending the rest of our
    lives together.
    
    Knowing how life operates, that may not be for very long.  So we make
    every day count.  The fear of being permanentely separated is never far
    away.  (We lost 2 family members this last year.)  But we are really
    committed to making our relationship work.  We communicate on every
    level.  The only time we have minor difficulties is when we don't
    communicate.
    
    Be kind to yourself, take time to heal and learn from what went on
    before in all your relationships.  Maybe there is a pattern that needs
    to be broken.  Above all, do activities that are pleasing to you.  You
    may just meet someone who shares your joy of the activity(ies) and you
    will find a friendship that may deepen.  Don't panic.
    
    my best to you,
    sue

    re.0
    
    My first question is how to you define a 'failed relationship?' Your
    note was very brief; but it would seem that you define it as one that
    doesn't last forever or one where the two of you don't feel the same
    about each other.
    
    I wouldn't agree with either definition.  I've been married for
    quite some time now and we've _never_ had the same feelings for one
    another; and if it were to end tomorrow, I wouldn't think it had
    failed.  I would be depressed, crushed, anguished, angry, and
    despairing; but I wouldn't feel that I'd failed.
    
    My next question would be '_why_ do you feel unloveable?' oh, I can
    empathise, because I've been there myself on more than one occasion
    when a relationship didn't work out. But it is an important question to
    ask oneself.
    
    How do you get to feeling loveable again?  I don't know.  If you need
    to feel loved to feel loveable, that's a problem. Right now you're
    pretty bummed so you're probably not open to feeling the love that
    people _do_ have for you.
    
    I think that the most important thing is for you to look at yourself
    honestly with an open mind --- _not_ brutally with an aim to pin down
    where you f*cked up --- and look at the other person honestly as well.
    
      Annie

    <But whatever it is, it's hard not to take it personally.  I'm afraid
    <after so many failed relationships that it must be me making them fail,
    <not him.  I know it probably sounds silly but this is how I feel. 
    
    A relationship is composed of 
    
    1)what you bring to the relationship
    2)what the partner brings to the relationship
    3)what you see in the partner that attracts you
    4)what the partner sees in you that is attractive.
    
    You can't do anything about 2.
    (Well there is one thing you can do about it. And that is to see if
    there are any common characteristics that your past 'beaus' have
    brought to the relationship.)
    
    You have some hope of dealing with 1,3,& 4. It is hard work.
    
    I am reminded -again- of the woman who married and divorced FOUR
    abusive alcholics. They each brought something to the relationship:
    their alchoholism. She brought something to the relationship too: the
    fact that she married FOUR of them. She brought something else: her
    father was an abusive alcholic. She brought something else: she chose
    to marry them.
    Until she learned what drove her to engage in that self-defeating
    behavior, she was doomed to repeat it.
    
    <Also, I'm wondering how I can help myself feel lovable again, feel okay
    <about who I am, when every time a relationship falls apart it feels
    <like I got a big red "F" on that part of my life - like I failed. 
    
    If in fact you are selecting beaus with certain common attributes,
    perhaps one of those attributes is something that has the effect of
    reinforcing your negative self-view? 
    

    
          Anon,
                      Wow...can I relate.  It helps me to ask myself if I
    did *everything* I could to make it work.  Its easy for me because I,
    and I suspect you do to, put my *ALL* into a relationship and end up
    chasing the woman away.  In other words I clutch.  I need the comfort
    and trust that I am the center of her world.  Needless to say I am
    forever being disapointed.  I "expect" too much.  Have you?
    
                      I have also found the we can be "too" honest with
    ourselves.  You *ARE* good and ok....thats an important fact that you
    (me to) have to face.
    
    I am sorry...best of luck,
    Dave

    I have always believed that because a relationship doesn't last for
    ever, it doesn't invalidate the happy time you had.  Most relationships
    started off happy.  You have to remember that bit as being successful
    and not think YOU failed.  You can't 'blame' yourself for the ending
    of something that two people built.
    
    
    diana

    These things may be totally irrelevant, but I'll share them for what
    they're worth.
    
    In my life, I have always been a control freak. I have always wanted
    things to go my way. I have always become very angry or depressed when
    people didn't do what I expected, or situations didn't go as I planned.
    When people didn't show up for parties, or people I didn't expect DID
    show up for parties, or people came late, or early, or people gave me
    things I didn't want, or people didn't give me things I wanted, I got
    UPSET.
    
    However, with the giant rock in my eye, I never looked at how little
    control I exert over my own emotions. Sure, I'm a great one for career
    planning and all, but the personal side of my life, the decisions I
    make on how to react to a given situation or a person - it just didn't
    occur to me to control that, to be flexible. As a result, I get hurt
    alot.
    
    One of the things I'm working very hard on right now is deciding to
    control my emotions, instead of trying to control other people or other
    situations. I *can* choose whom I interact with, choose what my
    interests are, choose how I deal with situations, choose how I deal
    with people, and their reactions to me. And I can CHOOSE to be positive
    and see the good in situations.
    
    It is NOT easy for me. When my relationship got rocky, it never occured
    to me to choose to look at it as anything other than a complete failure
    on my part to please someone else. But actually, the only real thing I
    failed to do was control the outcome of the situation, and control his
    decisions. That's not really failure, because I shouldn't expect to
    have that kind of control!
    
    What I'm recommending is that you concentrate on making decisions that
    will maximize your happiness, based on the things you can control. Like
    where you go, what you do, AND the choice to spend time with people who
    like you, appreciate you, give you tribble strokes, or to spend time
    alone with yourself, liking yourself, appreciating yourself, giving
    yourself tribble strokes!
    
    At any rate, its what I'm trying to learn to do.

    re: .0 I can't tell you how many times I was in the same position as
    you were. Every time a relationship ended and I didn't want it to end,
    I went thru the same feelings. Everyone told me the same things that a
    lot of the other replies have said, but it didn't really matter how
    logical or right they were, because deep inside, I "knew" there was
    something wrong with me. 
    
       About a year ago, a very intense relationship ended and I almost
    dies because of it. I wasn't really suicidal, but I lost the will to
    live. Nothing mattered anymore and I started doing things that were
    pretty risky because I thought maybe I would accidently get killed. My
    whole family was worried that I would "do something stupid" and would
    call me at odd hours and come and visit me to be sure I was ok. This
    went on for about 6 weeks. I went to EAP and had a couple counselling
    sessions, but I really didn't want to hear what they had to say.
    
    Finally, one day I realized that if I didn't do something about my
    attitude, I WAS going to die. I decided I had to start building my
    social life again and start thinking about moving on with my life. I
    asked two men out who I knew on a friendship basis and they both
    accepted. One of them remains a friend today (he's getting married to
    someone else) but the other one just moved in with me. I think the
    thing that made this relationship work when all the others didn't was
    we talked endlessly about what we were going thru (he had just broken
    up with someone very special as well, her idea). We shared our feelings
    about the other person, about what we wanted and needed in a
    relationship and cried on each other's shoulders a lot. We remained
    "just friends" for a long time, but we were living again. We spent
    almost every weekend doing something, going on little excursions,
    riding his Harley, going to dinner and a movie, etc. We became each
    other's best friend and were really inseperable, although we still had
    our other friends as well. What eventually happened is we realized that
    the relationship we had was the kind that we had described as our
    "dream" relationship. The difference was that we didn't fall in love at
    first sight. For some reason we both thought that if there wasn't
    fireworks right off the bat, then it wasn't the real thing. It took us
    a long time to realize that the fireworks aren't important. The
    important things are the friendship, companionship, comfortableness,
    common goals, common interests, etc. Those are what remain 20 and 30
    years down the line, NOT the fireworks. Now that we've discovered this
    and have started building towards a long-term relationship, the
    fireworks are starting to grow, along with our love for each other.
    
    The reason for this long-winded story, is to let you know that things
    can change, even when you can't believe they every could. I stopped
    looking for the wrong type and learned to build the friendship first.
    Be open and talk about what you want and need. And then stick to it.
    I've been so different in this relationship and I think its because for
    a long time, I didn't picture him as a potential long-term partner. So
    I was more open and honest about what I needed to make me happy,
    rather than try to meet his every need. Look at yourself in a
    relationship and decide what it is you want and don't settle for less.
    But make sure that what you want isn't totally unobtainable, or you'll
    never break out of this cycle.
    
    Sorry if this is long, but I hope it helps in some way.
    
    Debbie
    

    
    When this happened to me last time, something clicked.
    I had always had relationships pretty much "back to back" - partly to
    numb the pain of being alone again, and partly to stop me having to
    time to ponder the questions that you are bravely facing up to.
    
    This time, I moved to live alone, and I'm staying alone for a while.
    And I've been thinking, and reading, a lot. 
    
    For me, the key is: LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF.
    
    Think through all those good feelings that you got from being with
    someone else, and learn to give them to yourself.
    Give yourself the treats, the attention, the love, the warmth, the
    support, the acceptance that you got from your ex and that made you
    feel good.
    Learn how to listen to your own feelings about what you need *right
    now*, and give it to yourself.
    
    I feel that I have learned to stand evenly on my own two feet.
    I don't *need* someone special in my life in order to feel good, or
    "successful".
    In the future I may *choose* to share my life with someone, but there
    is not basic neediness in that choice, whereas before I always felt
    imcomplete alone and I looked to a partner to complete me in some way.
    
    As long as I have learned something from a relatinship, it has not
    "failed", IMO.
    
    'gail

    Funny thing about relationships - 
    
    The things that drove me nuts about guys I dated, e.g. one had a bad
    temper when he was hungry, turned up in the guy I finally married!
    
    Yes, hindsight is 20-20, but those "failed" relationships, which often
    broke up because of the stuff that drove me nuts, prepared me for my
    husband.  When I run into that stuff with him, I laugh to myself, "Boy
    this is familiar.  Got through my craziness about it with that old
    boyfriend.  At least now I can deal with it more calmly."
    
    I often blamed myself for not cementing ties. (What a nasty expression) 
    When I married my husband I looked back and asked myself "Do a truly
    regret having let joe, harry, and bob go?"  Answer - nah.  It just
    would not have been right.  Glad I held out for Bill.  He's tough to
    take sometimes (aren't we all?) but loving, dedicated, and lots of fun.
    
    By the way, if your upset is because you want to be married and perhaps
    have a family?  What led to finding Bill was being very clear with
    myself and men I met, about what I wanted.  I had a clear idea about my
    lifestyle preferences, values, and about what I like in men.  It took a
    while to get there.  I felt for a long time that I should be more
    "flexible".  That just meant compromising on my needs.  When I finally
    decided to hold out for what I wanted, or not marry at all, I met him. 
    Well, we're both "country", kinda funky, family-oriented, like travel
    and friends, and have similar religious views.  Can't be a
    contortionist forever.  Got to be yourself.

    
    Well, I'm just ending a relationship after more than six years
    and I say right now... F*** everything and my walls are going back
    up, never to come down again.  I don't need this pain any more.
    
    
    Debbi

    
    The following reply is from a member of this community who wishes
    to be anonymous.
    
    Bonnie
    
    
Re: .17

Debbi, your note makes me very sad.  Putting up walls never to come
down again is so awfully final.  I know you're hurt.  I know you feel
that you don't need this kind of sh*t anymore.

But I know, too, that a lover I lost to death eight years ago had done
the same thing after she was divorced from an abusive husband.  She'd
sworn her walls were up for good.  Beginning as colleagues on a shared
project, we became friends, and over the course of the six months we
had before she died we became lovers.  Her walls came down, and she
told a mutual friend that our love had made her human again.

When she died, I put up walls, too, because of the manner of her death.
In my grief and bitterness I was inconsolable and hatefully angry.  I
swore I'd never get that close to amyone again because having it wasn't
worth the pain of losing it.  I was wrong.  My walls suffered erosion
at the hands of someone else who cared deeply for me.  Now I thank God
for her.

Life holds pain.  Life also holds ineffable beauty and joy.  It's the
contrasts that make us what we are.  My lover dropped her walls because
I was right for her.  I dropped my walls when I was cared for by another
who was right for me.  Give life a chance.  Mourn your grief, but then
forgive your grief.  Accept whatever comes your way, hating the bad and
cherishing the good.  There is a person out there who is right for you,
if you'll give that person a chance to find the real you.

    re .17 Give yourself about three years, a thousand dinners eaten
    alone, TV 'til you gag, a truckload of beer. You'll take the chance
    again. (And it'll scare the beejaysus outa ya!)

    
    Debbie,
    
    I feel what you're going through and I've felt what you are going
    through.  As a friend, we've already talked and you know this is
    something you'll deal with.  The pain DOES go away given time.
    Keep your confidence in yourself and keep control of yourself.
    
    Friends are there to help, don't ignore that.  They will help.
    
    Nancy

    
    
    	Debbi,
    
    	The pain does go away.  Almost four years ago I fell hard
    	for a man that used to work at DEC.  We had some great times
    	but I always knew that I felt more for him than he did for
    	me.  And he was married to his job.  I thought for sure that
    	after it ended I'd never find another who was so 'perfect'
    	for me.  He had the gorgeous looks, a great job, he was smart
    	and could make me laugh.  He brought things out in me that I
    	never thought would surface and was the first man who I knew
    	liked me for who I was....not who he wanted me to be.  But
    	things didn't work out and our romantic relationship ended.
    	I shortly thereafter met my husband.  We'll be celebrating
    	our first anniversary this May.  The man and I have remained
    	close friends and have both admitted to each other that there
    	is still an attraction between us.  It wasn't meant to be
    	and it hurt for a long time after it ended.  But I'm very
    	happy now.
    
    	You will get over this.  It will take time.  But then when
    	you least expect it, your special someone will come along
    	and you will know happiness again.
    
    	Take care
    
    	JJ
    
    	
    	

    Debbie, I know what you're going through. I got divoced 7 years ago and
    swore never to enter into another relationship. I even avtively avoided
    anything that had even the slightest glimmer of a hope of a possibility
    of becoming more then a casual aquaintance. The pain has eased for me
    now and I'm beginning to think that there might be a second chance. No,
    I have no one in mind, but I'm no longer closing the doors to striking
    up a close friendship and maybe turning it into something more if the
    right person comes along. 
    
    For you, the amount of time will hopefully be less then 7 years. I'm
    stubborn. Think of all the good qualities you have to share with
    someone and work to better yourself in any areas you feel you might
    need to. Above all have faith and confidence in yourself. Remember that
    the only person you have to please is yourself. Walk tall, Walk proud
    and remember there are people who love you and given time and distance
    you will somedayt be willing to take that chance again and be happy for
    it.
    
    Hugs, warm thoughts, and caring prayers to you to help heal the hurt.
    
    Phil

    
    This, and 702.118 (anger about continually trying to educate people so
    they can accept you) made me remember an old relationship. I went out with
    a guy who was not educated or sympathetic to women's rights. I decided
    that I could educate him, and the relationship would grow into
    something better.
    
    WRONG !!!!!
    
    When it finished, I realised I hadn't changed him at all - he had just
    ground me down more and more to his way of thinking. I now try not to
    try and change anyone else, and more importantly not to let them change
    me. I manage it about 80% of the time :-).
    
    Jane

    
    Hi all--
    
    Just thought I'd check in with everyone.  Thanks for all the support
    both on line and off!  Yesterday was one of those days when I was 
    fluxing between stages.  I think I'm in the angry stage right now.
    Anyway, angry enough to relate to the lyrics of one of Mariah Carey's
    new songs:
    
    Someday (without permission, of course)
    
    You were so blind to let me go
    You had it all but didn't know
    No one you'll find will ever be
    Closer to all your dreams than me
    Believing the grass would be greener
    You told yourself "I just don't need her now"
    But I know you'll soon discover
    You're never satisfied with any other
    
    Chorus:
    Someday oo Someday
    One you gave away will be the only one 
      you're wishing for
    Someday hey hey
    Boy, you're gonna pay cause baby I'm the one
      who's keeping score
    
    
    
    
    There's more, but I don't think I can type the whole thing in?!
    But you get the idea.  This is on her debut album, along with
    her other songs, all of which are good.
    
    Songs can bring hurt but sometimes they can also make you feel
    better, IMO anyway!
    
    Thanks again.
    
    Debbi

    
    I'm posting this for the author of the basenote.
    
    Justine
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    
    
    
    
    
Hi!  This is the basenoter again.

So I guess the sting of the breakup is less now, but it still hurts.
It feels more empty than it hurts.  Its really funny though that just
after the "breakup" about 6 men decided they were interested in me and
came a-courtin' (no I hadn't told them about the breakup, maybe they
had antenna or something tuned to the situation).  That helped me to
feel more lovable but I told them all I could offer them right now is
friendship, and they accepted that (Yes!  Men who can take NO for an
answer are out there!). 

I think a big problem will be that, in the past, I always jumped right 
into another relationship to help the hurting stop.  It seemed to 
work, but of course I never learned that I was okay without a 
boyfriend.  I think now is the time to do that.  It's going to keep 
hurting without someone new to love me, but it's also going to teach 
me it's okay to be with just friends, and it's okay to be on my own.

I feel less like a failure, but it still hurts.  I keep "if only"-ing 
myself to death.  I keep analyzing.  Everyone is giving me great 
advice though (take care of yourself, remember it's his loss, spend 
time with friends, someone even sent along a reminder saying 
"no nookie!" in their mail to me), and they're all telling me I can
call them and they're all really there for me (which makes life a much
better place, and helps the healing start). 

I'll get there.  I just need to relax, take some time to just be.  Get 
with some good friends for a while.  I'm afraid that it will be hard 
to trust someone new, heck I can't even think about romance with 
someone new at this point in time.  But hopefully, time will heal all 
wounds....

thanks for your advice

Re -1
    
    Dear Anon...
    
>I think a big problem will be that, in the past, I always jumped right 
>into another relationship to help the hurting stop.  It seemed to 
>work, but of course I never learned that I was okay without a 
>boyfriend.  I think now is the time to do that.  It's going to keep 
>hurting without someone new to love me, but it's also going to teach 
>me it's okay to be with just friends, and it's okay to be on my own.

    That's a great attitude! :-)
    I applaude you - and you know that support's here for those
    "uncomfortable" times. But then, growing is a bit uncomfortable, yes?
    
    >I'll get there.  I just need to relax, take some time to just be.  Get 
>with some good friends for a while.  I'm afraid that it will be hard 
>to trust someone new, heck I can't even think about romance with 
>someone new at this point in time.  But hopefully, time will heal all 
>wounds....

    Sure you'll get there. You can get to wherever you want - pick a star!
    And I think you're wise not to worry about romance right now....
    You can have a romance with yourself, and it'll be wonderful!
    
    Wishing you all the best,
    'gail
         
    

    
    The same happened to me !!!!
    
    This kind of person can't be changed !!
    
    But hearing those nasty comments about women can
    minimize the quality of YOUR life !!!
    
    Carina-with experience-