Conference turris::womannotes-v3

PS. What's PC, besides personal computer - I hope I'm not, it sounds like an 
afflication?
        
        PC stands for "politically correct".  For any given
        complex issue of the day, there is a one sentence summary
        which if you agree with it then you have the politically
        correct position on that issue, and if you disagree with
        it then you have the politically incorrect ("PI")
        position on that issue.
        
        Dan

>PS. What's PC, besides personal computer - I hope I'm not, it sounds like an 
>afflication?
>        
>        PC stands for "politically correct".

So, you're right, it is an affliction...

    Hi Andrea,
    
    After reading your note, I have a very special feeling. It seems
    like my past.
    
    Though I'm only 21, I've met a lot of tough things. For the past
    eleven years, I can hardly have a happy day. In secondary school
    (or so called high school in US), we usually make life long friends.
    Yeah, I did made a lot of people, but I can made only several friends.
    I really feel upset. Now, my only dear friends are all in other
    countries for study, leave only me and one friend. Yeah, I do feel
    lonely.
    
    But I know that though I'm alone, I have always one by my side,
    God. I'm not try to preach here, but really in those days only God
    has stood by my side and supported me. Now I've got a girl friend.
    We love each other so much, but we have a lot of argues. We do make
    a lot of unhappy days, but we know how to enjoy our happy days.
    
    Being a real me, I used to plan my life. I used to plan my work.
    I'm a systematic guy, everything I try to put it into my system.
    I always try to face the truth. I'm a idealist in the truth.
    Difficulties come to me and I try my best to solve it, no run away.
    This is my philosophy.
    
    I never give up. It is what you now need. Don't try to think about
    divorce. It's not easy to stay together. You needed to face the
    difficulties with your dear husband, try to solve together. You
    may find that what true love between you both only if you two face
    the problem at the same point and have the same heart.
    
    Also try to enjoy the lonely time. I've learnt this when most of
    my friends went away. Its hard to do, but it really go to you. Your
    feeling is because the emptyness inside you. Try to overcome it,
    you can do it! Sure!
    
    Try you best, and have a real new happy life.
    
    Hoping God's bless be on you and your husband.
    
    							Mickwid.
    
    ps. I don't know if my words can help you, but I always try to express
    as best as possible.

    Andrea, just for openers...
    
    (((*HHHHUUUUGGGG*)))
    
    						=maggie

    If you can, find some friends.  Are there any religions associations
    with which you are affiliated that you could speak with?  And, I know
    there are a few womannoters out there (I think Pat S. is out there?) -
    maybe you could get together for coffee or something - real people are
    (sadly sometimes - cause there are so many virtual people here to hug
    you) more comforting than notespeople.....we're far away many of us but
    we're still trying!
    
    Also, maybe you could volunteer some time with children - they're
    alwasy willing and ready (well, ALMOST always) to love and hug....or
    volunteer at a shelter or somesuch - be needed and be thanked - that
    may help.  Also, maybe some counseling could help you through these
    changes (have you gone to EAP and asked yet?).....
    
    I wish I could be there, but I'm here....so have a proxy-hug fwiw...
    
    (hug)
    
    -Jody
    

    re .0 What would it cost you to move back to San Diego ?
    As opposed to the cost of staying where you are, obviously
    unhappy.

Hi Andrea,

It's hard making a new place feel like home. 

I second much of what Jody suggested a couple notes back. I've
found that getting involved in local activities that are important
to me have done the most to help me feel at home. For example, I
joined the local Unitarian church, got involved in my town's recycling
committee, and have been working with some other folks to start a
monthly coffeehouse for folk music. Those activities have really made a
difference. They're all things that I enjoy, and it's nice to work
alongside people with similar goals.  

I hope Chicago starts feeling like it fits before long.....
    
Kathy

    Andrea -
    
    First of all, a big hug.
    
    Secondly, be gentle with yourself.  In the last year, you have gone
    through three of the biggest stressors that folks can find; a new job,
    changing their locale, and divorce.  If you weren't feeling scared and
    lonely and at loose ends, you wouldn't be normal!  I heartily recommend
    at least one talk with the EAP folks at your site, if only to give you
    that "This is normal, it may take awhile, but it'll get better" feeling
    a little more completely.
    
    Third, I was brought up in suburban Chicago.  If you want to contact me
    for info on weather, places to go, things to do, etc., feel free to
    send me mail.
    
    Alison

    I, also, agree with Jody's suggestions.  It is very difficult to make
    friends when you are isolating in your home.  I know.  I tried.  No
    matter how deeply and intimately I shared my soul with one of my walls,
    it never gave anything back!
    
    I have one or two other possible suggestions.  Community theatres are
    always good places to make friends; they are also nearly always short
    on "off-stage" help.  While the stage itself may not be a place you
    would feel comfortable, you might find that you love designing/building
    sets, finding props, taking tickets, etc..  Some of the best friends I
    have ever made came from my theatre life.
    
    I also volunteer at a professional theatre in Worcester, MA.  It is
    small when compared with the "big-name" theatres, and relies on
    volunteers to take tickets, usher, hand out programs, work the
    concession stand, and all the other things that make a theatres
    front-of-the-house run well.  I think it is important to keep the arts
    alive, and this is my little method of helping that cause.  Besides, I
    get free tickets to the shows!
    
    These suggestions are not meant as an alternative to working with
    others, helping to make life a little easier.  They are meant as an
    additional way to meet people, and to have some fun.  It is important,
    I have found, to have fun.  At least once in a while.
    
    E Grace

    Hi, Andrea!
    
    When I first arrived in Utah, I had nothing but the clothes on my
    back, no money, no friends or family, and an abused past that I
    was desperately trying to escape.  A waitress in a local truckstop
    took me in and helped me to find work.  Over time, I began to create
    a place for myself.  I met a few people and made a few friends.
    One thing that I feel really helped me to enlarge my circle of friends
    and acquaintances was to attend the local community college, and
    become involved with the school (specifically, the woman's resource
    center and later the alumni organization).  This might be something
    for you to consider. 
                         
    I also strongly agree with those who have suggested counseling.
    The support of a good therapist can really help you regain your
    equilibrium quickly. I cannot help but feel that this would be of
    tremendous benefit after all you have been through this year.  
    
    If you want someone to correspond with, please send mail either
    here or at SLOVAX::HASLAM.  I'll be glad to support you during this
    growth period in your life.
    
    HUGS and a smile:)
    Barb 

    If I'm reading the base note correctly, it's only been six months since
    you left San Diego.  Six months isn't a heck of a lot of time for you
    to put into place a network of supportive friends, even if you hadn't
    had the added distractions of house hunting and divorce to contend
    with.
    
    My suggestion would to be to relax a bit, take some time (a lot of time
    if necessary) to get to know yourself, and slowly build up the friends
    and support in Chicago you'll need over the coming years.  Without any
    intent to cause you any additional hurt, I'm a bit concerned about the
    pattern I see in your note -- a pattern of moving on to the next step
    before you've really given the current step a chance to prove itself
    rewarding.  Be honest with yourself (you certainly don't owe me or
    anyone else here any answers): are you really giving yourself a chance?
    
    If I've misread the base note and you're actually talking about several
    years since leaving San Diego, then please ignore all this.
    
    Best wishes,
    Karen

    
    Andrea, I'm in a similar situation.  I moved to a new city 6 months 
    ago, leaving behind all of my support systems, my friends, and the 
    subconscious comfort of knowing my way around town.  My boyfriend 
    moved with me, and since the move we have been emotionally farther 
    apart than ever.  This came as a huge surprise.  We're on the verge
    of separation.
    
    My phone bills are astronomical and my frequent flier mileage is
    rapidly increasing, and I, too, wish I knew how to meet friends in
    a strange land.  I liken this move to being gifted with a clean,
    white canvas.  My life is this canvas.  I can use whatever type of
    watercolor, oil, crayon, colored pencil, charcoal, or ink that I
    choose to create my paradigm.  I'm very particular about this.  In
    the meantime, before I find my support system here and form new,
    intimate friendships, at least I have the comraderie of my dog.
    He gives lots of kisses and snuggles.  Which helps.
    
    Take care,
    
    Carla
    

    Andrea,              
    
    You gotta be insane to move out of that tropical paradise of San Diego.
    I say get outta that windy city of Chicago and go back to San Diego and 
    have some fun on the beach.
    
    Best wishes.
    
    Eugene

    Andrea - 
    
    First...   {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
    
    Now - if you'd like a real one send me mail and I'll give you my
    sister's phone number in Cicero.  She gives great hugs and might be
    able to give you some pointers on ways to meet people in the area.
    
    Hang in there.
    
    Nanci

I'd take a close look at why you are in Chicago. If you just moved there to
follow your husband then move back to where you consider home. Having grown up
in the midwest I know I'd never want to live there again. I found the gray days
and general climate oppressive.

As for the split. Just assume that it will be awhile before you really feel good
again. There is a mourning period required after a break up and it's natural. 

And as for the loneliness, I don't know what to say. My husband and I split up
nearly four years ago and I still feel it. I'm over the break up but there's no
one else in my life and I miss having a mate. I have friends and family and a
very active life but it's not the same. Most days I just accept it and bury it
away but then I see a note like yours and it all comes back. 

At least take heart that the break may have been for the best. There's a line
from a poem "Our solace is, the sad road lies so clear". It doesn't seem like it
but we live through these things. hugs to you, liesl

		I love this network!!!!


	Good suggestions - thank you.

	I have decided to make my new life here in Chicago.  Several reasons
for moving here are still valid and besides I associate things in San Deigo
as being apart of a couple.  At least here - all is new.

	I do like volunteering and I've gotten away from it.  It was suggested
for me to try Big Sisters.  Does anyone else have any ideas of someplace that
would give a lot of satisfaction (but not bring me down - no crisis lines
or child abuse preventation please)?

	Thanks again.

Smiling from ear to ear,

- Andrea

Hi Ya, Toots,

kiss kiss hug.  Wish I was in Chicago to buy you a beer and
take you to Second City (not the burbs, but worth the trip).

> After reading some of these files, I know some people are going to
> slam me for being weak, 

Ha!  In this country, according to the beer commericals, we all
have 22 best friends. Takes tubes to be as open as you have been.

Congrats on surviving the changes as well as you have. My move
from Illinois to New England was the most dreadful experience of
my life.  Don't know if I could every make a major move again.
Discoverd that a heck of a lot of us go thru all sorts of
what I call "desert regions" when we make a substantial change
in geography. (In fact, there are bunches of books about it,
but amazingly, I don't know a single title [a first for me 
in Notes].)

If I did it again, tho, I would be really good to myself and do what I
WANTED. I love tennis ... would join a tennis club, would go out more,
blah blah blah.  

>.13 Eugene
>    You gotta be insane to move out of that tropical paradise of San Diego.
>    I say get outta that windy city of Chicago and go back to San Diego and 
>    have some fun on the beach.
    
Andrea,              

Now that noter is among the geographically impaired. You should not 
listen to him. Chicago is the center of the Universe, and you have
shown marvelous taste in making it your home.

Meigs, co-mod, CHITOWN notes

p.s. In NE for 17 years with fantasies of returning to Chitown

p.s.s. Hope things smooth out for you and you get to start enjoying
       things again.

    This isn't intended as a flame, but one suggestion in this string made
    me a little uncomfortable...
    
    Please don't use kids to fill your need for adult companionship.  Kids
    can be great companions, but as *kids*...if what you are looking for is
    a mate, then kids are poor substitutes and you will both end up
    frustrated.
    
    I think the Big Sister program is great - I was in it.  There are a lot
    of needs it can fufill for both big and little sisters...the Big gets
    kid-like companionship, fufills a need to nuture, teach and guide, gets
    the thrill of making a real change, and watching a child grow.  The
    little gets a role model, adult-like companionship, nurturing and
    someone to ask questions of.  But just as it is unhealthy for a child
    to replace hir peers with adult friends, it is unhealthy for both child
    and adult for the adult to use kids as a substitute for adult
    companionship.
    
    That said, if you like kids and want to help one grow, I think Big
    Sister is great! Go for it!  But don't do it for lack of friends,
    because it can't fill that need.  (Remember, you won't necesarily
    *like* the kid assigned to you.  Hopefully you will, but you have
    responsibility even if you don't.)
    
    If you want to talk to me about the program, feel free to write.
    
    D!

    Hello Andrea,
    
    You may want to find a church that has a group who do thing such as
    dinners, skiing, skating and other types of outing to gether with other
    who are single or looking for fellowship. You can meet a lot of people
    at these gatherings and also have a good time. Most churchs also have
    councilors who may be able to help you with anything you may need or come
    up agenst.
    
    May God help you throu your time of need,
    
    In Christ,
    Bill
              

	Hi Andrea,


	A few years ago (8 ish) I decided to leave Plymouth (UK), and go
	contracting abroad.

	I went with GE, I flew to JFK, and was taken to New Jersey late on
	a Saturday evening.

	Monday, and very jet-lagged, I was in the Social Security office getting
	my number, and it was Monday afternoon that I found out that my contract
	was to be in Maryland, just outside Washington DC (so it was the 
	suburbs) - strting Tuesday AM.

	There were a couple of contractors who already worked in Washington, 
	but no-one would come to meet me, because it was the last episode of
	MASH.

	So, I was in the suburbs, no transport (why do you drive on the other
 	side of the road?) and with a whole new culture to learn to live with.

	My first day I walked around the streets near the office, and found a 
	bar where they played darts, the people were very friendly, and I was 
	enrolled on-the-spot. My colleagues in work tried to put me off, as 
	they said the bar wasn't a nice place.
	HOWEVER, they were the most friendly and helpful people I met in my
	whole time there.

	I found myself an apartment, and joined the local handball club - as I
	didn't know what handball was, I joined the bottom league as a beginer.

	I joined the companys softball team - and discovered it was nothing 
	like cricket!
	
	I became friendly with my neighbours, meeting them by the dryer to 
	begin with, and they became good friends.

	It took a little time to be accepted, It was difficult to be understood
	sometimes - you wouldn't beleive the accent and language is as
	different as it is - and it was difficult to aborb the new culture, but
	if you want it to work, stick with it.

	Make an effort to meet people, smile at people you don't know, and don't
	be put off by "well wishers" who try to put you off things.

	Go for it,
	and good luck,

	Heather

              <<< Note 564.22 by RDVAX::COLLIER "Bruce Collier" >>>

    I grew up in Chicago, though I left for school in the East at a tender
    age, and have scarcely been back since.  My general advice is not to
    listen to silly people who don't live there but want to tell you what
    it's like (including, by this point, me).
    
    More specifically, it isn't really the windy city.  That honor is held
    by Atlanta (oddly enough), with the runner up being  . . . Boston! (or
    is it the other way around?)  Also, watch out for strange behavior on
    the part of native midwesterners, such as being generally nice to one
    another, paying attention to traffic regulations, and the like.  But
    coming from the left coast, this won't shock you as much as it would a
    transplanted easterner.  Finally, move to Hyde Park, if you don't live
    there already, and please say hello to all my ex classmates from the
    Lab School (except Lab School kids tend to disperse, like I did).
    
    Hang in there.  By next summer you'll be feeling better, much more at
    home, and basking in the sun on the breakwater at the 57th St. Point.
    
    		- Bruce
    
    p.s.  Also pay a visit real soon to the primate house at the Lincoln
    Park Zoo (the architect who designed it was a good friend of my
    family).  And don't make the mistake that my cousin did, when she was
    working at the Art Institute some years ago.  She had a phone number
    that was only one digit different from the hot line at the Military
    Police office of the Great Lakes Naval Training Center.  She got dozens
    of calls every Friday and Saturday night asking her to come collect
    batches of drunken sailors from bars all around the city.  This wasn't
    how she wanted to spend those evenings.  Of course, if your tastes
    differ . . .

    

re: .0:

If you can jog and have a sense of humor at the same time, get in
touch with the local branch of the Hash House Harriers -- we're been
described as "a drinking club with a running problem" and "the Hell's
Angels of Jogging" (the truth is somewhere inbetween).

Lots of good folk -- and you don't have to be an athlete.

There are also many ski clubs (weekend bus trips) you might find enjoyable.

Good luck.

Martin.

ps: PC *is* an affliction.

    I just moved from Chicago after living there all my life.  It's really
    a great town with alot of possibilities!  My piece of advice would be
    to get yourself a copy of the READER.  It's a free newspaper that comes
    out every Thursday or Friday.  There's very few places to pick it up in
    the suburbs, but if you go downtown, look in record stores like Rose
    Records or practically any commercial establishment on the north side
    usually has them right by the front door.  This paper is in three
    sections - there's a section on all the "cultural events" going on in
    town for the next week which include bands at bars, movies, poetry
    readings, etc, then there's a classified section which has everything
    from apartment ads to singles ads to personals.  Besides all that, just
    on the sides or the bottom of pages there's all kinds of other ads. 
    It's the bible for your basic yuppie,buppie,dink or whatever that wants
    to know what's going on.  It will give you alot of ideas on what you
    can do - even by yourself or how to meet people.
    
    Good luck and if you have questions about anything in Chicago write me.
    Are you in ACI or CPO?
    
    Beth

    
    .23 > ps: PC *is* an affliction.
    
    In some people, being PC is indeed an affliction.
    
    In other people, the conviction that >being PC is an affliction< is
    itself an affliction (it may also be an affectation, perhaps even in
    the same individuals; on the other hand, it is hard to imagine simple
    >being PC< as an affectation).
    
    Finally, it would be an affliction to suggest that this train of
    thought should continue recursively.
    
    		- Bruce
    

    ... but Macs, on the other hand, are an addiction! :-)
    
    Yeah, I know, I know, take it to the rathole... :-)

    Hugs to you -- I've been there.
    
    I moved to DC three years ago from New England.  During that time, my
    boyfriend passed away, I was severely ill myself and have had many
    stresses financially, with my credit and dignity totally destroyed.  We
    all have many burdens to bear, but right now you feel like you're the
    only one.  Try not to think about it and just move on in a positive
    direction.  Keep busy and active, even while you're just sitting at
    home alone.  Six months isn't enough time to learn whether you actually
    like the new place you are living in ... if it is impossible for you to
    move back right now, give Chicago a bit of time, keep active and extend
    yourself to others like never before, you will quickly make friends,
    I'm sure.  If Chicago isn't what you want, gradually make the move back
    home.
    
    I'm sure that life will turn around for you.  It seems like this year
    was filled with many strange twists, turns, disappointments and
    tragedies for a lot of people.  You will begin to rebuild your life and
    self-esteem ... it's just a matter of time.
    
    Good luck to you!
    
    Hugs again,  Tammi