Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Yes, and I haven't a clue :-)/2

    A soul mate is a person (man or woman, old or young, is not important)
    who thinks like you, feels like you, and identifies with you in lots of
    things, that understands you without much explanations, that is there
    when is needed...
    How to find it? as .1 said... I don't have a clue! It is very difficult
    to find, that's why there are so few around... it takes a lot to be a
    soul mate to somebody... and those who have them should think
    themselves very lucky!

    
    see also:
    
    DEJAVU
    354 - splitting souls
    754 - imaging and soulmates
    762 - soul-mates - how do we know?
    
    Human_Relations
    919 - soulmate, for real?
    
    -Jody
    

    I believe in it.  I don't think you can look for it.  I think it only
    happens by accident.
    
    Lorna
    

		You don't find a soul mate, it is just that your
	worlds collide for a while.

	_peggy

		(-)
		 |
			The harder you look the less you see

    Yes.  I dreamed several dreams about him 18 months before we ever
    met.  The dreams provided me with enough information about him that
    I "recognized" him.  One thing about a soulmate...meeting this person
    does not necessarily mean that life will be happy ever after.  You
    usually meet to cause each other to grow (a lot!), so conflict may
    result inspite of love or affection.
    
    Barb

    
    Yes!
    
    My wife and I met by accident when she applied for a job
    in a shoestore I worked at. We started dating right away.
    The first time we got together it seemed as if we had 
    always been together. It was "right" from the very first
    moment and, thankfully, it's been "right" ever since.
    
    							Hank
    
    ps. On a slight tangent, I'm damn glad that when the manager asked
    me if we should hire her, I said yes. Life certainly would have been
    different if I'd said no.
    
    pps Re: .6 That's amazing, dreaming about someone before meeting
    them.

    
    Yes!
    
    I think that you meet soul mates just when you think you
    don't want to.  I met my husband just after I had ended a
    3 1/2 year relationship.  I was 20 and convinced that I wasn't
    even going to think about marriage until about 25.  I 
    just wanted to have fun, unattached relationships.  Well,
    Jon asked me to go skiing with him and a whole bunch of 
    other people from work.  (We both used to work for Raytheon.)
    Turned out that it was us and one other guy.  It was a thursday
    and somehow Jon and I agreed to go away for that weekend to
    VT.  (My mother had a FIT!!)  I didn't know what had possessed
    me to do this.  About half way up to VT, I suddenly had this
    overwhelming feeling that HE was my future husband.  When we
    came back he asked me to stop seeing other men; I agreed.  One
    year later we were engaged.  2 years later we were married.
    
    I think that the harder you try to look the less likely you
    are to find that person.  Murphy's law, I guess.
    
    Happy Hunting!
    Rachael
    
    

    Barb -
    
    I think your reply is particularly interesting.
    
    Some descriptions of soulmates sound like a perfect meshing of all
    parts, resulting in a kind of statis in which no growth ever takes
    place -- because perfection is already obtained.
    
    Wish you would embroider on your reply.
    
    Briana

    I may not dream of my "soulmate", but I certainly dream of finding my
    "soulmate" at some point in my life.  To me, a soulmate does ot have to
    think like you, but understands the way in which your mind works and
    not only accepts it, but enriches themselves with your perceptions and
    they give the same in return.  I also feel that love does ot constitute
    a soulmate.  In my mind, you can love a partner more than life itself,
    but his may not be you "soulmate."  I truly feel that many people
    settle.  
    
    Maybe I'll end up settling, maybe I'll end up lucky...who knows.
    
    Kel
    
    p.s.  I get chills just thinking about how good sex with a soulmate
          must be!!!  :^) 

    Re: more about soulmates...

    Although my soulmate has been the great passion of my lifetime, he has also
    caused me a lot of pain emotionally. Since I am not prone to live
    my life as a human doormat any more, I "fight" back.  Our different ways of
    seeing/doing things has caused both of us to reassess and re-evaluate
    our lives as individuals, so growth has been stimulated for each of us.  

    I don't know if this is clear, but a soulmate can help to stimulate your
    emotional/spiritual growth as much (if not more) through disagreement
    because you both *must* change to maintain any healthy kind of relationship.
    Am I making any sense?

    On the other hand, when you really *do* meet your soulmate, the parts
    of your relationship that are compatible, are super compatible--a
    near perfect fit.
    
    Barb

    re:  -1
    
    I must disagree.  I do not feel that any change should have to take
    place, at least not for another.  If I had to change to be compatible
    with my soulmate, I'd no longer consider him a true "soulmate".
    
    Kel
    

    
    Richard Bach's "A Bridge Across Forever" has some thought-provoking
    ideas about soul-mates - it's about how he "found" his mate, and
    their relationship....
    
    I agree that being with a soul-mate doesn't mean that you never
    conflict, or change - I think a soul-mate is around partly *to
    change you*, but in ways that are for the benefit of your own
    spiritual growth....
    
    

    To be true soul mates over a long period of time requires change and
    growth by both parties. What qualifies you as soul mates is that you
    may grow apart, but you always come back together.
    
    
    /andy/

    	Agree with what people say about change...

    	It isn't the idea that one person (or both people) set out to make
    	deliberate changes in the other - it's more a matter that both
    	partners have an overall positive effect on the other, such that 
    	gradual changes in both partners are inevitable.

    	If only one person changes, a different dynamic probably accounts
    	for this.

	Is a soul mate always a lover?  Can he/she be a friend?

	Mary

    I'm a man. I have a person who I consider my soul-mate and we are the
    very best of friends. We constantly call each other and tell each other
    our troubles and comiserate with each other. We always seem to know
    when the other one needs a call and are never to busy to stop and talk.
    If she needed me there, I would be there as fast as lightning and
    viceversa. We both know that in previous incarnations we have been
    Mother and daughter, father and son, sisters, brothers, sister and
    brother,same sex friends and or lovers, opposite sex friends and or
    lovers, worst enemys, one has murdered the other, and every possible
    combination of togetherness that one can imagine. This time around, we
    have decided to be friends. Mutual choice and we know it's right.
    
    BTW she lives in Kentucky and I live in NH. We met because of DEC, but
    she was never more then a temp employee. I have never felt that a
    "righter" person for me to be around existed and she feels the same.
    
    We are friends and it's just right.
    
    Phil

    re .17, I don't think soulmates have to be lovers.  In fact, I don't
    think there is necessarily a correlation between the two.  I have been
    sexually attracted to people whom I had nothing in common to talk about
    with, and I have had soulmates that I had no interest in going to bed
    with.  Of course, once in awhile the two coincide.  I think that people
    are rarely soulmates for an entire lifetime.
    
    Lorna
    

    re .20, I think you're being extremely picky.  
    
    I was always under the impression that a "lover" was a person that
    someone had sex with.  I love my daughter but she isn't my "lover."  I
    love my closest "girlfriend" but she isn't my "lover."  
    
    What's the big deal?
    
    Lorna
    

    -d
    
    I'm the one that used the word lover.  I think Lorna was just
    responding to my question using my term.  I used it in the sense of sex
    partners.
    
    Mary

    .20> "mere" sex partner
    
    There is nothing "mere" about my sex partner :-)

    The concept of soulmate is fascinating.  I've read a couple of books
    including "A Bridge Across Forever" and "One" by Richard Bach of
    "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" fame.  The are also movies that deal with
    the subject including "Somewhere In Time" that also happens to be a
    wonderful love story and "Made in Heaven" which deals with
    reincarnation and knowing someone over multiple lifetimes.  If you
    don't buy reincarnation, the concept of soulmates will seem will not
    make any sense because basically that is what soulmates are; people who
    you feel a special kinship to over many many lifetimes.  You may be
    brother and sister, father and son, male - male friends.  Today the
    concept of a male - female soulmate is very attractive since many
    people are looking for a compatable mate and the idea of being with
    someone who has known you for a millenia or more is very intriging. 
    But know that just because you are connected spiritually doesn't mean
    you can't have any problems.  We all know of someone (maybe us) who
    loved another person but could not live with them day to day.  The same
    is true for soulmates.  You may be connected but you still have to deal
    with the other aspects; namely mental, physical, and emotional.  It is
    true that many soulmates are on the same levels in these other bodies
    but it doesn't have to be.  
    
    I spent about two years looking for my soulmate.  I didn't find her.  I
    gave up and didn't even go out for another year and met her at a
    convention in Atlanta.  That was two and a half years ago and we are
    very blissed about our relationship.  It's been worth the wait.
    
    Is there a way to 'find' a soulmate.  Yes, be open to it.
    
    Patrick
    

    Regarding soulmates in general.  I don't think there is only *one*
    soulmate for each person, and I don't think that soulmates are
    necessarily people that we would want to marry, although they could be.
    
    Lorna
    

    
    	I would say my 'soulmate' is not my husband (but I do love
    	him dearly) but a male friend of mine.  I have had an 'attraction'
    	to him for many years, one that I couldn't really 'label' as
    	love, lust, infatuation etc.  It's just there.  I had gone
    	to a psychic a while back just for the heck of it and because
    	I somewhat believe in those things...and he told me that this
    	friend and I were lovers in a past life.  I was of royalty
    	and was matched up to marry someone when he came along and
    	took me away.  The relationship lasted 7 years and we went
    	our separate ways.  I was so depressed that I committed 
    	suicide.  The psychic's reasoning as to why we are so close
    	now is that our past relationship was never resolved.  I'm
    	not sure how much of it I believe but it's as good an explanation
    	as I'll come up with.  Of course, I haven't told my friend this
    	cuz he'd think I'm even more loony than he already does!  =)
    
    	JJ
    

    I thought I had a soulmate.  We broke up but we're still close friends. 
    
    So I'm not sure about soulmates.  
    
    But if anyone's read Robert A. Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land"
    I believe that there are close-links between friends that aren't as
    intense as soulmate-love might be, but are constant over time, and time
    does not dimish them (i.e. if you haven't been in touch with them for a
    while and you get in touch with them it feels as though no time has
    passed and things are exactly as you had left them).  Why the Heinlein
    connection?  I'd call them water-brothers (gender neutral, as it's used
    in the book).  Silence is always comfortable with them, and there's
    some strange sort of foundational bond that makes you feel like you've
    ALWAYS known them, and always will.....and there are a lot of psychic
    interlocks or "clicks" where you just nod at each other and understand
    exactly what the other person thinks.  I was talking with a wonderful
    womanfriend a while back and she brought this term back to my mind
    because she used it also to mean this bond between people.  
    
    -Jody
    

    I currently have two soulmates - one female and one male.  The male
    happens to also be my lover.  The female is my step-sister.  I seem to
    relate differently to both but yet I still consider them to be my 
    soulmates.  Possibly this feeling is stonger with my step-sister as I
    feel as though I can discuss any subject with her and sometimes we say
    stuff at exactly the same moment which raises goosebumps on both of us.
    But then there are other things that happen with my lover that I
    consider to be traits in soulmates that don't happen with my
    step-sister.  So I would surmise that one can be soulmates with more
    than one person at any given time.  I don't think, however, that you
    can ever forget these people.  One may move on to other people but they
    never forget a true soulmate.  At least, for me, it would be
    impossible.
    
    Sue
    

    IMHO,
    
    Yes, you can have "soul-mates".
    
    I would define one as a person who uses the same thinking process as
    you.  Someone who can EMPATHIZE with you about things, either through
    past experiences, or because they can understand your situation as they
    probably would have ended up in it too.
    
    I have a few friends who I would classify as "soul-mates".  We are
    close in different degrees, but the common element is that we can talk
    about anything and understand each other.  We always have the same
    interests.
    
    I have recently been lucky enough to run into a very close "soul-mate"
    with whom I spend the majority of my time.  It is very easy to spend
    time with him because we'd be doing the same things anyway.  It's even
    to the point where I can start the sentence and he can finish it.
    
    As to how you run across "soul-mates"......luck.  The best formula I
    can find is to do the things that you enjoy doing, make sure that you
    hang around places where there will be other people with your
    interests, and make the acquaintance of as many people as possible.
    Eventually you will run across "soul-mates".  It will take a lot of
    time, a lot of effort, and a lot of acquaintances.
    
    Lisa 

    One thing I forgot to add to .29 is that I was soulmate to both these
    people from the first day that we met.  It was a feeling that I had
    known them forever and they me.  We understood everything about each
    other immediately.  At first, it was kind of spooky but we all adjusted
    but it still never ceases to amaze me.  It wasn't just empathy, it was
    more.  I don't quite know how to explain it but it goes much deeper
    than just empathy.
    
    Sue
    

    I had a soul-mate...I met her in 6th grade.  No other relationship I
    have ever had before or since has matched that one.  She and her family
    moved away, and I have never heard from her since.  I am still
    searching for her.
    
    Her name is Kila...if anyone knows a 21 year old woman name Kila, point
    me towards her.
    
    D!

    
    I'm very interested in the way that the idea of reincarnation has
    come into this discussion....
    
    For those of you who know that you've known someone before - is this
    just a powerful "knowing" that this is so, or have you gone into it
    yourself (through dreams, for example) or through a third party?
    (Hypnotist? Psychic?)
    
    I've only had that "I KNOW YOU!" feeling once, but it was very
    distinct. I was on a first date with someone at a party - he was
    standing across the room talking to someone else, and I was looking
    at him and the way he stood and...suddenly...it just clicked that
    I had seen him before and that I knew that stance, and his thoughts,
    and his dreams, and all kinds of other stuff....
    I've known him for seven years now, and he's a very special friend.
    We also seem to have a psychic bond of some sort - we know when the
    other is having a crisis even when we haven't spoken for months, and
    we can occasionally see through each other's eyes, sort of...
    
    I've often meant to get around to trying to "validate" this feeling
    (though it hardly needs validation, it was so strong...), and I was
    wondering what "channel" to use.
    'gail
    
    
    'gail
    
    

    re: .33
    
    Reincarnation is not an easy thing to 'validate'.  If you are looking
    for absolute proof you may not find it.  There are literally hundreds
    of books on the subject, and you can go to a hypnotist or any of many
    other people.  Some will help you, some will help themselves.
    
    I was raised Catholic.  While Catholics practice a lot of mysticism,
    reincarnation is not something that is openly talked about.  Jesus
    talked about "Unless you are born again. . . " but most Christians will
    give you a different explanation of this.
    
    It comes down to how you feel.  Esoteric Philosophy in general and who
    you are spiritually by their nature (Metaphysical) are not subject to
    the laws of physics.  The word 'Meta' comes from the Greek word
    'beyond'.  Thus Metaphysics is beyond physics and the laws of physics
    do not work there.
    
    What I'm saying with all this is you have to trust yourself.  If your
    inner self says it's correct, it's correct.  How do you know when you
    inner self is speaking and not some emotional baggage?  Try exploring
    yourself.  I promise you that if you look inward you will eventually
    find out that in essense you are a wonderful being of light and love. 
    You may also find things about past lives.
    
    patrick

    
    Do you think I am not allowed to call someone my soul mate when
    you recognize that
    
    - we are arguing a lot
    - he mostly spends his time with colleagues or male friends
    - we don't have much in common
    - we drive each other crazy 
    
    BUT: when he is not there you miss him a lot and try
         to be strong when moving out from his apartment
         (although we know we want to be friends in the future
          despite this moving out)
    
    Do you think some people think they have found a soulmate
    and in reality you only have to see  that you are dependent
    from him (his presence and the fact that you lived 3 years
    in his apartment, not a nice time but you are so much
    USED to this kind of living, you are getting crazy)
    
    I know I cannot explain this situation so clear (only in
    German I could and even in my own language its difficult) and
    I know some of you will think I am crazy because I should
    be proud of moving out and look for a better friend than he
    was (only realize the situation when we had guests and
    he said : My mother cooks better than you ... Can you imagine
    the situation? Or the fact that he generally says that men
    have more value than women, and only women with a mannequin
    look attract his attention, character is not necessary and
    of cause it is so easy to dream of women in TV - unreachable
    but good enough to attack his former girlfriend giving her the
    feeling that she doesn't have the same value like the tv women
    has) ...
    
    I hate all men being machos and having an apartment together with
    someone who doesn't want to be handled like a useless, dirty,
    worn skirt or something like this.
    
    The next time I will be more careful, hoping that experience
    helps me to avoid the same mistake.
    
    But in my case it was very difficult to know his real character from
    the beginning on because he generally is a real gentleman but up to
    the moment when he thinks he possesses you he is unpolite and 
    precise like swiss watches (regarding housekeeping).
    
    URGRRRRRRR.
    
    I know I have made mistakes too but I know that both have to work
    on the relationship and if only one person is willing to improve
    the situation nothing changes. He is so much determined and thinks
    he always reacts right that no change could be expected.
    
    The worse thing is: on one hand he wants to be alone and only
    spending his free time with his male friends and on the other
    hand he wants to have a nice life with a woman cleaning the apartment
    (but 150 %), his skirts, and s.o. to go shopping for him etc.
    
    But this is not possible, you have to be a littlebit tolerant and
    you have to be interested in joining your life with your girlfriend,
    also making HER life more easy and enjoyable not only expecting HER
    to make YOUR Life comfortable...
    
    And this nice guy is not 72, no he is not 52, not 43 NO:
    
    He only is 32 and I am 27. 
    
    And in this case my opinion that women at my age are more mature than
    men at my age (or men being betw. 25 and 30) is right. Too bad.
    
    But in German you say: I am rich when you are wealthy (Ich bin reich)
    und I have made a lot of life experience (Ich bin reich an Erfahrung)
    so in German you could say : Ich bin reich .... an Erfahrung
    
    (I am rich .... in having made a lot of experiences).
    
    So I am not wealthier than 3 years ago but have made more experiences.
    
    Very nice.
    
    Carina

    re .35, I think people are *often* infatuated with or very attracted to
    other people who are NOT soulmates.  The two don't always, or even most
    of the time, coincide.  I've been infatuated with men whom I wouldn't
    consider soulmates plenty of times.  Unfortunately, I don't think your
    situation is all that uncommon.  But, I do sympathize, and I definitely
    don't think you're crazy.
    
    Lorna
    

    I cannot help but feel that a "soulmate" is more than just someone
    you feel close too; rather, a true "soulmate" is someone with whom
    you feel a deep inner connectedness--one that goes beyond the present
    into times before this lifetime.  When you meet a true "soulmate,"
    it is as if you recognize each other from other times and other
    places, and your lives continue on joined in some way whether through
    friendship, marriage, or casual acquaintance.  A "soulmate" is,
    then, a continuous thread that shows up time after time in the tapestry
    of one's never-ending life. This "thread" may bring added color, light
    or darkness, or even a change in direction in the tapestry of one's
    life.  In return, you do the same for your "soulmate" so that you
    continue to weave your ways together toward the light.  
                                                
    Barb                                        
                                                

    My Soulmate, I told you she wasn't my lover or a relative in this
    lifetime, had a personal problem that she needed an understanding
    person to talk about, (job troubles), she appeared to me in a dream and
    told me she needed a call. I called her last night and the first words
    out of her mouth were, "Thank Heavens. I dreamed that you called me
    about this last night and here you are." BTW, my first words after her
    "Hello." were, "Hi. What's the matter." She hasn't solved anything but
    talking about it helped enormously.
    
    Phil

    I was just reading this topic yesterday, and when I got home, my SO
    Diane had left me a card on my pillow to read.  It says: (the printed
    stuff, not what she wrote personally :))
    
    It seems as if
      I've loved you
       FOREVER
    Maybe I have...
    
    Maybe we met
       in some other time
       where our lives touched
         this closely before.
    
    All I know for sure
    is this certainty inside me...
    
    ...that we are
        meant for each other
    NOW AND ALWAYS.
    
    I think that says it all, don't you?  Also, there is a song by Chick
    Corea called "Where have I known you before?".  The song is an
    instrumental, but on the album cover is a poem with the same title.  If
    I have time today, I'll post it in here.
    
    We knew early on that we were soulmates and have been together before,
    in what permutation I don't know.  We are very happy to be together in
    this lifetime.
    
    Sue
    

    As I read these articles on "soul mates", I find myself being pulled
    deeper and deeper into a sort of subliminal state of being.  Often as
    a child I would find myself somewhere or doing something that I felt 
    had happened before it actually took place.  I would often shake myself
    and try to awaken from what seemed to be a living dream.
    
    I could never find the answer to these mysterious feelings nor did I
    have any control over them.  The one and only factor in each instance
    of this occuring was that I would be completely at ease, no stress 
    factors or preoccupation.  
    
    I have recently met someone who I strongly feel could be my "soul mate" 
    however, there seems to be resistance on both our parts.
    
    I don't like to think of myself as a predictable person, but my friend
    can predict my thoughts and some of my actions to the point that it 
    frieghtens me.  I haven't learned how to predict him, he won't allow me
    to get too close.  But what I can do is feel his presence even when
    he's not with me.  When we're both open and honest with each other,
    we spend time talking and sometimes not talking, that's when it seems 
    as though we're one person or somehow we're connected.  
    
    The unfortunate thing is that although we're learning from each other,
    we have also hurt each other; therfore, I know that in being "soul
    mates" the hurt can also run deep.
    
    

    I hate to take any of the mysticism out of this topic.  I've always
    been very vulnerable to this kind of stuff myself.  And I'm sure you
    people may be getting tired of my talking about this book "Getting the
    Love You Want", BUT this "soul mate" stuff is covered.  And some
    co-dependency tapes I've listened to talk about the same thing.  The
    gist is that if you ever find yourself saying to someone, "we've only known
    each other for a week, but I feel like I've known you all my life."
    then LOOK-OUT!  You've hooked up with, probably been drawn to like
    a magnet, someone who strongly reflects for you the traits (positive
    and/or negative) of your childhood caretakers.  Whether you are
    conscious of it or not, you may see being close to this person as being
    an opportunity to undo wounds you received from your caretakers when
    you were a child.  And in all likelihood, this person is not going to
    be any better at undoing the harm then your caretakers were.  Thus,
    perhaps, the hurt -.1 was talking about.  I'll leave it there.  If it
    feels interesting, read the book.
    						- Vick