Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Yes, I do justify my actions quite a lot, though I am trying to end
    this ineffective behavior pattern.  In my case it has little or
    nothing to do with being a female, and almost everything to do with
    being raised in an alcoholic home.
    
    E Grace

    Nope.
    
    Barb

    Personally, I think this is a very "female" trait.  Not to say men
    don't ever do it.  Just that women feel compelled to explain their
    actions in order to make them acceptable.  
    
    JMO
    

    I think it's a function of self-esteem and the need for approval.  I'm
    doing it less now than I used to.  Sometimes I even make excuses for
    things other people do, or if someone notices it's raining and is
    bummed out I say, "Oh, I'm sorry" as if I were personally responsible.
    
    Truth be told, I'm aiming for a point in life where the only person I
    feel compelled to justify my actions to is myself.  If you have to
    justify yourself to anyone else, you are hingeing your okayness on
    their approval of what you have done (a hole which I have not been able
    to climb out of completely yet....).
    
    -Jody
    

    Sorry, folks, but in some cases it's also a function of your job. 
    Secretaries, especially, frequently have to account for their whereabouts
    every minute of the working day.  Need to step away from your desk (and
    the phones) for a bathroom break?  Then you have to find someone else
    to cover the phones.  Need to run down to the copy machine?  Then you
    have to find someone else to cover the phones.  Time to go to lunch? 
    Then you have to find someone else to cover the phones.  Do any of
    these things more frequently than your phone relief considers
    necessary, and your name is S**T.  Therefore, out of self defense, you
    justify your absence from your desk.  It becomes a habit.
    
    I agree that too often women apologize for events that are out of their
    control (for that matter, for events that are in their control but that
    require no apologies), and it's a symptom of low self-esteem.
    
    But it isn't anything I'm going to put on my hob-nail boots and jump 
    all over someone for.  'Cause then she'd feel like she had to apologize
    for getting me upset.  8-}
    
    Karen                   

My phone rings _A_LOT_!!  I meet with people _A_LOT_!!  Until voice mail is
installed, I will continue to tell people when I will not be around.  This
is 1} courteous and it 2} let's those around me know that any complaints I
receive from desparate clients who couldn't get there calls answered will 
mean the bean sidhe rides tonight!

I do not justify my absences, and I check for messages.  Learned helplessness
is not an excuse for not answering and at least taking a message.

I owe apologies to those I discommode.  If doing their jobs is discommoding, I
owe no apologies -- they owe apologies to their employer and to me if they let 
me down.

My sister-in-law, Kit, apologised to my refrigerator when she bumped into it
one time.  I completely lost it, choking on my iced tea and gasping I was
laughing so hard.  Of course, the ever-solicitous Kit was rubbing my back and
apologising for my choking fit the whole time which made it all rather worse...

I have noted that women apologise and justify more so than men, and that
apologies and justifications are generally demanded of women more than men.
Perhaps because our culture has historically relied upon women to _be_ and upon
men to _do_

  Annie.

    I am a secretary (in this incarnation) and I say....
    
    HOORAY FOR ANSWERING MACHINES!!!!!
    
    E Grace

    clarification to .0 - I didn't mean those instances where it
    would be job-related or simple courtesy. I'm more interested
    in the _excessive_ cases. (subjective of course)
    
    dana

    I don't think it's only women. I do it a lot. (Although, I'm working to
    get away from it). I don't apologise for bad weather. In fact, I relish
    bad weather. I do explain all that I'm doing to many people. This is
    usually work stuff. Even to people who don't "need to know". As for
    going to the bathroom. I don't explain that to people. I just say;
    "Time to hit the can." and let it go at that. Maybe it's self esteem or
    lack thereof. I don't know. By now it's a bad habit.
    
    Phil

    
    Sometimes I think I'm making headway in this area, but when I'm under
    stress or feeling blue, I tend to revert to my most comfortable habits,
    and one of those is justifying myself and apologizing for things that
    really couldn't be my fault (weather, the show I picked was bad, the
    waiter at the restaurant is slow, traffic is heavy, car won't start,
    etc....)  I think in my case it does stem from my cultural status as a 
    woman and from my own background growing up with an alcoholic mother 
    and a bully of a father.  No one talked very much, so you didn't know 
    if you were in trouble, but you thought you might be, so you tried to 
    make everything right ... and apologized a lot just in case there was 
    something you failed to make right.  
    
    I've had some success at stopping this behavior, but it comes quite
    naturally, and it's hard to stop.  It drives a lot of people in my
    life crazy.
    
    On the plus-side I've learned to be very attentive to other people's
    needs, so people in my life usually feel quite cared for.  The key
    for me is to find a balance between attending to other people and
    attending to my own needs (whatever they are :-)
    
    Justine                                         
    
    

    Justine,
    
    Yes! Yes! Yes!  You've said it *perfectly*!
    
    Thank you
    
    E Grace

    I used to do that a lot, too. I've mostly gotten over it, but still
    do it sometimes. Sorry about that.
    
    Seriously, I think it's a question of self-confidence and habit. They
    go hand-in-hand. If you consciously make an effort to stop apologizing
    for everything, people will react differently toward you and you will
    gain in self confidence. Conversely, if have to have enough
    self-confidence, you will find it easier not to apologize.
    
    I don't think it's restricted to one sex, but probably more women than
    men have this trait.
    
    Bruce

    Yet another chronic appologizer steps up. My ex-husband used to get on
    me for constantly saying "I'm sorry" even if it wasn't my fault. What
    was my response, "I'm sorry". AAAGGHH. I'm almost cured of it in work
    related situations but in my personal life it's tough.

    My parents weren't the type that yelled and hollered but I always
    seemed to feel I wasn't good enough and had to appolgize for that fact.
    It's almost like a desparate attempt to keep everybody happy.

    In an odd sort of way this is the ultimate egotism. If I have to
    appologize whenever anything that goes wrong it implies that I had control
    over what it was. At the rate I used to say "I'm sorry" I  must have
    been responsible for the galaxy. liesl

    I do it, too.  I've also caught myself apologizing for the weather and
    for movies that the other people I was with didn't like, and if the
    food they ordered in the restaurant wasn't to their taste, as though I
    were responsible for all of it - the movie, the food, the weather.  I
    try not to.  I know it's not all my fault and that I had no control
    over it, but I still feel guilty if the people I'm with aren't pleased
    with *everything* (especially if they're men).
    
    Lorna
    

    I think this behavior in women more than men. I also think it's an in-
    dication of low self-esteem. I have a friend who not only appologizes
    for everything to smooth things over. She really believes everything
    is her fault. Her low self-esteem comes from an abusive relationship
    with a real jerk that she can't seem to shake because of her low self-
    esteem. Real catch 22. Vicious cycle.
    
    KATE 

    There are cases where I try not to explain:  "I'm late; I'm sorry."
    I grit my teeth and work at a policy of no excuses, no explanations.
    
    There are cases where I over-explain:  "Now, I'm going to describe
    this in more detail than you can possibly want, because
    	* I can't think how to abridge it without confusing you
    	* I need to think it through myself
    	* it's the only way I can think of that you'll be sure to pick
    	  up all the information you'll need to do this by yourself
    	  next time
    	* I've found that explaining the Whys helps people remember
    	  the Whats."
    
    And, yes, people who explain to me more than twice the information
    I need to know drive me right up the wall.  I think it can be either
    a defense mechanism, or a means of getting attention.  (Women use
    that first one a lot.)
    
    							Ann B.