Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    
    My 2c...
    
    The things that leapt out at me from your note were - alcoholic
    background, lousy body-image, lack of self-love, co-dependancy.
         
    If I knew someone like this I'd get the conversation around to
    counselling and Co-Dependants Anonymous - maybe share a few
    anecdotes about people I knew who had sought help - and make sure
    I gave a STRONG impression that there is nothing wrong or peculiar
    in getting professional support. 
    
    If he later reported that he was going to one of these groups
    I'd be very supportive but NOT ask for details of the work he was
    doing there. I'd also strive not to give advice (if he started
    talking about his group work) - at the most, I'd just actively listen.
    
    Supportive with some distancing sums it up, I guess.
    If your friend as a dependant and/or addictive personality (and
    from my lay-persons knowledge I think this could be the case), you
    probably don't need them getting dependant on you.
      
    'gail
                                                 

    In addition to this fellow being an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholics),
    there is a high likelihood that he is also an active alcoholic (his
    reference to staying drunk when the older woman didn't take interest in
    him).  Almost all active alcoholics have major self-esteem issues. 
    They can also be very skilled manipulators...and I don't say this to
    dump on him, but rather to point out that this is a survival skill much
    needed when in the active stages of alcoholism.  I would be cautious
    because you could end up sinking a lot of time and energy into this
    person and then end up wondering why he isn't getting better.  If he is
    an active alcoholic, he probably won't be able to make much progress as
    long as he's drinking.  If you get to know him well enough, you might
    want to suggest that he check out AA.  He doesn't have to sign his life
    away to the program...but it might be useful if he could commit to
    going to a dozen meetings before he made up his mind about does he
    belong there.
    
    It's hard when people are hurting and you want to help...but the
    reality is that he needs to do it for himself.
    
    Laura

    Bingo!!! re .2
    
    If this young man doesn't want to help himself then you are going to
    end up more frustrated than ever in trying to help him.  Its obvious
    that he has some self esteem (losing 100 lbs. is quite an undertaking), 
    but it sounds like he hasn't had much positive reinforcement from his
    family and this maybe the root of his problem.  Also, (and many of you
    may disagree with me but...) I believe alcholism runs in a family.  I
    agree with all other replies AA or one of its components would help
    this young man.  
    
    Be careful that you don't end up dragging yourself into a situation
    that will frustrate/depress you!!!  Caring for other humans is a
    wonderful attribute - but not if it pulls you down too.
    
    One last thought does Microsoft have a "hotline" similar to Digital's?
    

      Suggest to him to attend an Alanon meeting or a counsellor who
    specializes in ACOAs.

Thanks.  The replies so far are what I needed to hear.  He has said
things that remind me of things I've heard other adult children of
alcholics say, such as speaking of his father and his father's
drinking in a very derogatory manner, so I am pretty sure that is an
issue.

I would be surprised if Microsoft didnt' have an EAP, and I have
thought of suggesting that he get in touch with them.  But it's
sort of hard to bring up, since he hasn't even hinted that he thinks
he needs help.

I haven't seen any signs of him getting dependent on me.  Our time
together is very structured--we meet at 10:30 Sunday mornings and
do 40 minutes on the Stair Master, 10 minutes on the Gravatron, and
1 hour of karate practice.  Do you think that reduces the chance of
his getting dependent?  What should I watch out for?  I am aware of
my tendency to want to "fix" people, even though I know that people
have to "fix" themselves and all I can do is providie encouragement
and support.


Thanks again,

Mac

    Sometimes, just having someone *really* listen to you,
    can start the ball rolling in the right direction.

    
    In addition to the previous advice, I would encourage you to keep
    up the martial arts training. In fact, most folks train 2 or more
    times per week. I've been training for a little over a year now and
    I've found that most schools are very big on self discipline, taking
    responsibility for your own actions, and developing a healthy respect
    for yourself and for others. These are all positive things that can do
    nothing but help your friend through these tough times.
    
    Good luck,
    
    Neil

Thanks, Neil, I agree that the karate training is a very positive
activity.  We have class twice a week, and pratice together once a
week.  Perhaps one of the reasons I feel drawn to this young man is
that one of the reasons I started karate was to help me gain some
skills for dealing with some painful things that are going on in my
own life.  The fact that he is doing some positive things for himself
makes me feel hopeful.  I think we both intend to keep up with the
karate training.