Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    Hi,
    
    I also am a classic co-dependent!!  Like you, I am in group therapy and
    it has helped wonders, but it took a long time.  The reason it took a
    long time was that I was so afraid of hurting someones feelings or
    felt what I had to say was not worth while, I would not be honest!!  It
    has taken me quite a long time to learn how to be honest and even
    longer to realize that it was okay to feel the way I did.
    
    -1
    
    Co-dependency - when you lose sight and control of your own life
    because you are trying to gain control or change anothers.....
    
    I have two books on the subject which are great.  Co-dependency No More
    and Beyond Co-dependency.  Besides being active in group, starting Nov.
    11, 1989, I will be going to a womans ACOA meeting.
    
    Please feel free to write me anytime.  I know those anxiety feelings
    only too well,
    
    pat

    Hi again,
    
    I forgot to mention some of the things you can expect.  While you are
    going great guns and feeling good about yourself; positive, etc..you
    have still have a slip.  A slip is when something triggers off
    something in side of you (tone of voice, song, weather, etc) and you
    find yourself feeling like you used to before therapy.  That doesn't
    mean you'll go back to where you came from.  But what you will learn is
    how to recognize it and how to get yourself out of it before it
    overwhelms you.  
    
    You become aware of everything you do, say, etc. to see if it's old
    pattern and if you realize it is, how to change it.
    
    Group does not give you answers.  What they do offer are options that
    maybe you never thought of for one reason or another.  They also give
    you the caring you need because like you, they are in the same boat.
    
    pat

    
    
    I have been thru the initial emotional upheaval you have
    mentioned, Carol...I slept with 3 Gund bears (including one
    I bought JUST for solice) for a couple of weeks...it sounds
    silly, but it really did help.
    
    Deb
    
    

    
re - j.parent

From what I've been learning, co-dependency is a state of being in which 
a person's actions and behaviours are compulsively driven by things that 
were learned in a dysfunctional environment - like a broken home.

My family isn't alchoholic, and they weren't physically abusive (unless a
few spankings count), but they were emotionally abusive - and mostly without
realizing it.

Hearing things like "Big girls don't cry" (like men don't cry), "That doesn't
really hurt" "You SHOULDN'T feel that way"  invalidated a lot of my feelings 
and emotions - to the point where I now have problems maintaining a healthy
and nurturing relationship with other people.  I'm left feeling worthless 
when these relationships fail.

And that's just the tip of the iceburg.

Thanks for the hugs!


re - Pat

>>> The reason it took a long time was that I was so afraid of hurting 
>>> someones feelings or felt what I had to say was not worth while, I 
>>> would not be honest!!  

I understand.  I've been motivated for so long by other people's thoughts
and perceptions that sometimes I'm surprised that any of *me* comes into
any of my decisions.  I've also gone to the extreme in which my way was 
the only way of thinking and was never open to other possibilities.

It's hard, but now I'm learning how to *feel* and that what I'm feeling
is valid and okay.

>>>    You become aware of everything you do, say, etc. to see if it's old
>>>    pattern and if you realize it is, how to change it.

It's the weirdest thing to be experiencing that.  Lately I've been aware
of my automatic smiling response, wondering "Do I *really* feel like 
smiling?"  I haven't actually gotten to the "how to change it" part, though.
I'm still wondering what's going on inside when that automatic response 
happens.
    
>>>    Group does not give you answers.  What they do offer are options that
>>>    maybe you never thought of for one reason or another.  They also give
>>>    you the caring you need because like you, they are in the same boat.

Thanks for that reminder.  I do get impatient sometimes and it's frustrating.
    

re - Deb

I tried the stuffed animals, but my kitten got jealous and knocked them off
the bed!  At least she snuggled up to me and let me hug her while I cried.
I do have my stuffed dragons for when Coelura isn't willing to be around :-)
    

>I tried the stuffed animals, but my kitten got jealous and knocked them off
>the bed!  At least she snuggled up to me and let me hug her while I cried.
>I do have my stuffed dragons for when Coelura isn't willing to be around :-)


	 I know what you mean...kittens are so jealous, aren't they?
	 I haven't quite figured out exactly what I'm going thru right
	 now, but when I was crying last night before going to sleep,
	 Banzai came and wrapped himself around my neck and started
	 batting my nose with his paw and purring.....I've never felt
	 as loved as I did right at that moment.


	 And you know I'm always here for you...simply a couple aisles
	 away.

	 kath   

    
    Thanks, Kath - I really appreciate your being there!
    
    And, emotional mess that I am (and darn proud of it), I'm here for you,
    too.
    
    Carol
    

    Hi again,
    
    One of the most difficult things I had to learn was how to like myself. 
    I had to learn how to enjoy my own company and to do things I liked
    without feeling guilty.
    
    In order to get to know me better, I took a weeks vacation when I knew
    everyone else was working or in school; this forced me to be with
    myself.  
    
    I joined the Y; went swimming.  Had my nails done, went to museums,
    took walks, treated myself to breakfast at the beach, etc.
    
    I have to tell you, just the thought of being by myself at the
    beginning was enough to give me a stroke.  As the days progressed, it
    became easier.  When my vacation ended, I was sorry.
    
    When I was going thru everything everyone else described, the doctor
    put me on valiums.  I got tired of that real quick.  Talked to the
    members of my group, got phone numbers and networked whenever I got
    feeling blue.  
    
    Try swimming late at night (my laps at the pool are from 9:00 - 9:45),
    come home, take a warm bath and lights out!!
    
    You will be overwhelmed at the beginning.  If you can't handle
    everything, don't, handle only one thing.  Get comfortable with it, and
    go on to the next.  One of the greatest things to do when feeling like
    that is to walk briskly.  This is the perfect time of the year for
    that.
    
    hope this helps
    pat

    Hang in there! I understand what you are going through and the anxiety
    that hits you. You CAN do it!
    
    Ben
    
    P.S. Have you heard of the 12 Step Method?

Re - Pat,

I do understand what you mean about learning to like myself.  I used to 
think I liked myself until I was asked to list 50 things that I liked 
about myself.  I came up with *two*.  :-}  My list is beginning to grow,
albeit slowly.  But it *is* growing!

I have been working out nights to get myself in shape for ski season.
That has helped alot.  Seeing my outside transform well is beginning to
help my inside.  I'm not feeling so ugly anymore.

And I acted on your suggestion for a warm bath.  It was liquid heaven!
(With bubbles, yet!)

As for feeling overwhelmed, you certainly weren't exxagerating.  I was
feeling so overwhelmed last Friday that I cried for seven hours straight.
I even gave up trying to figure out *why* I was crying and *what* I was
feeling.  I just cried and let myself *feel* while I was doing it.

It felt good, like a beginning....

Thanks.


Re - Ben,

I got introduced to the 12-step method last week at a CODA workshop I 
attended.  They're modeled after Al-Anon.  The program is so versatile
and impressive.  I'm starting to feel safer than ever before - with 
*strangers* yet!

Thanks for the support - it means a *lot*....



Carol

*sniff*  :-)