Conference turris::womannotes-v2

(On second though, think I'll make it a topic of its own.)

    I'm in a really similar situation to D!, I just moved in on my own,
    and I'm sure that at least a few days would pass before anyone would
    start to wonder. Even though I spend 4-5 days/week doing things with
    friends or family.
    
    But what can you really do about it?  If you're unattached, no one 
    checking up on you every day, it's one of the things you have to risk.
    
    Pessimistic for sure, but that's the way things are.
    
    Lisa
    
    

    I don't think you're paranoid.  I know I was much happier when my
    daughter decided to give up her 1 bedroom apt. anf move in with other
    students.  For all the reasons you mention.
    
    I've been living alone since Stacy left for school about 3 years ago.
    And, I travel a great deal so I could be gone a long time without
    anyone knowing something was wrong -- or I could be ill and in need of
    help.  Fortunately, I have a downstairs neighbor who kind of looks out
    for me. I make it a point to let her know when I'm going to be gone and
    when I'll be back -- even if it's only for one night. If I haven't said
    anything and she notices that my cars out front but she hasn't seen me
    she'll come up and check to see if I'm OK.  She has a key (originally 
    because I tend to lock myself out) and my permission to let herself in
    if she needs to or is worried about me. Believe me, having Irene around
    gives me a little bit more peace of mind.
    
    Polly  

	 I've always told people at work that if I don't show up, and
	 they don't hear from me....

		....ask questions.

	 If I'm sick or not coming in, they always know....

	 At least that's one starting point.  At most, the longest I
	 would go before being missed would be a day or two.


	 kath
    

    Re: People living alone..

    I don't quite have that problem, because of Jenny and Rachel being
    home with me. However, I do have a couple of single friends, that we do
    send mail *daily*.  If I don't hear from them by lunch time, I do
    call them... if no one in the office has heard from them, I call their
    house, if I still don't get an answer, I start to worry...  even to the
    point of taking a trip to their home if I have to...

    I think EVERYONE who is single and living alone, should have a safety
    net like this built into their life.

    Gale

    
    I live alone, don't have a phone, and am unfindable outside of
    work hours. 
    
    No one can even find my house...
    
    Should I be worried?

    re .0 Find someone else in your situation and check (not too closely)
    on each other every (other?) day. 

re: .6: yes, if I were you I would be worried.

re: buddy system: any volunteers?  :-)

This all came to my attention when a friend of mine "disappeared".  Which is
to say that I was unable to contact her for four days. The first day that
she didn't answer any mail, I just assumed she was busy.  The second day,
I thought maybe the mail was broken, so I called her at work.  When she wasn't
at work, I tried her at home.  I thought it was a little strange, but she had
been saying that she was hoping to take a day off sometime soon, so I thought
maybe she had, without telling me.  Then I left a message on her machine
that night and she didn't call back.  The next day at work she still wasn't
there or answering my mail, and I got really worried.  That night I called her
house, and her roommates hadn't seen her.  I tried to call her Mom, but
couldn't get in touch with her either.  Then, finally, on the fourth day, my
friend calls me and says "What's you problem?  Why did you send me 20 mail 
messages and leave 10 messgaes on my answering machine, and call my mother???
I was in a class at work all day, and didn't get any mail, and I came home
too late to call you when I got your message last night."

I was, of course, relieved that she was alright, but we talked, and she said
she understood why I was paranoid - and that it would probably take her about
the same amount of time to worry about *me*.

Scary, I think.

D!

    3 weeks ago, my house was broken into and I was robbed of some things
    that were very dear to me. I'm still very shaken from it.
    
    I have since had the windows nailed shut. This is new to me; where I
    grew up, we didn't have wooden windows. I have also had double lock 
    deadbolts installed, which require a key from either end. Admittedly,
    if there's a fire, it takes me an extra 30 seconds to get out, but
    I like the idea of the house being "unopenable" - if they came in
    through the window, they'll have to leave that way. (When I came home,
    they had unlocked every window and door in the apartment.)
    
    My management has responded by getting a new fire door for the back
    door, (the old door had glass panes) and securing the front door, which
    used to stay unlocked most of the time.
    
    I've been told that I will probably experience a lot of "post-trauma"
    and I am working on coping with it. I have notified 3 friends that I'm
    going to "lean" on them, and talk to them at night before I go to bed.
    The cats spook me a lot when they play at night, and I'm trying to deal
    with that. But what I most look forward to is when sleep comes easy,
    and night noises don't cause fear.
    
    I've had first floor apartments and lived alone for the last three
    years. My family is very close-knit (Ma Bell and Sprint make out like
    bandits!) So we usually speak 2-3 times a week; people would know if 
    I was missing. With my friends, I tend to keep track of where they are,
    and I tend to let them know when I won't be around. Its a VERY
    automatic thing; many of us live alone. When my mom goes away, she now
    knows to tell all of us first, or we panic. When my dad got caught up
    in a snow storm last year and forgot to call in, we put out an
    All-Points-Bulletin on him and he got pulled over by the police who
    told him, when asked why he was being pulled over, that he forgot to
    call his daughter. I don't think Dad will make that mistake again.
    (My parents are in their 60's; we worry...)
    
    I don't call a buddy system, "paranoia". I call it love. And I am glad
    to have people in my life who love me enough to check up on me. I check
    on my male friends less, but that's because they have roommates. The
    ones who live alone hear from me at least weekly.
    
    I also leave lights on at home. Some of my friends joke about the
    electric bill, but I hate coming home to a dark house. Three days after
    the break-in, the electric company turned my electricity off by
    accident. I cased the house with a candlestick and a knife. (Admittedly
    dumb, but it helped me feel safer.) These incidents have made me feel
    vulnerable, and my next apartment probably won't be on the ground
    floor. But it has also taught me that I have a LOT of friends. And this
    has given me strength.

    Reading these replies about some of the (very understandable) fears
    of women who are living alone, makes me wonder why some women still
    choose to live alone.  What are the benefits which outweigh these
    negative aspects?  Are the benefits worth not having to put up with
    roommates?
    
    I only lived alone once, when I was 22, for a period of about 3
    months, and during that time I called my mother everyday (what a
    baby!), and my boyfriend spent every weekend with me.  It was a
    long time ago, (18 yrs.), and in a small town.
    
    The only time I ever think now that I would want to live alone is
    when my roommates and I get to bickering over something, which is
    not often thankfully.  But, at these times I get brief thoughts
    of, "Howard Hughes had the right idea!  Wish I were rich enough
    to be a hermit!"  But, in reality I think I'd rather put up with
    the idiosyncrasies of roommates than live all alone.
    
    Lorna
    

>But, in reality I think I'd rather put up with
>    the idiosyncrasies of roommates than live all alone.

Well I do live with a roommate. I couldn't afford nearly as nice a place on my
own.  But we hardly talk at all.  We don't run in the same cirlcles - she
doesn't know my friends and I don't know hers. Sometimes we don't see eachother
for days.  The house is set up in such a way that I don't even know if she is
home, and she doesn't know if I am home.  My hours are very strange - I often
leave to go to work and don't come home till long after my roommate is asleep.
I also often spend the night at a friend's house, and spend weekends elsewhere.
So even living with someone else doesn't necessarily help with the problem.

D!

    I love living alone.  I can walk around my apartment in my underwear
    whenever I feel like it.  I don't have to share a bathroom.  I can
    leave rotting food in the refrigerator for months.  I can leave old
    socks on the living room floor.  I can walk around my apartment in my
    underwear whenever I feel like it (oh yeah, I already said that.)

    The only disadvantage of this sort of lifestyle is that any potential
    visitor has to give me several days notice, because it takes that long
    for me to clean up the living room to make it presentable enough for
    guests.

    -- Mike

I lived alone for 9 years, and seriously doubted I'd ever want to share
living space (which I view as highly private) with another human being,
especially someone I wasn't intimately involved with.

When you live alone, you know your house is going to be exactly as you
left it when you return home at night.  You do not have to put up with
visits from another person's friends.  The only noise you hear is your
own.  The only messes you clean up (or see) are your own.  If you want 
alone-time, there are no deals to be made.  You can decorate and re-
decorate any way your heart (and wallet) desires.  And as Mike Valenza 
alluded to, you can walk into the kitchen naked and not run into your 
roommate's lover or mother.  When a blue mood hits, you can scream and 
cry with no interruptions.

I've always wondered how anyone could tolerate living with roommates,
especially when you're not even FRIENDS -- I'd think it would be very
awkward and private-less.  I guess I'm just an intensely private soul.
I love being alone, listening to my music, doing what I want, cooking
the meals I want, and being surrounded by my own things.

I've never worried about whether someone would notice I'm missing.  I
have always had jobs where, should I fail to show up without a phone
call, someone would call my home.

My home life is everything to me, and I've never wanted, nor needed,
to compromise that by incorporating strangers' lives into my own for
financial reasons.

As always, different strokes for different folks.

Carla

    First off, to Bob Holt in particular and any others in his situation
    - yes, please worry, at least a little bit.  My ex-husband's business
    partner *died* because he lives alone.  He fell down his cellar
    stairs, they believe on a Friday night.  He lives in a well-populated
    neighborhood, houses close to each other.  Neighbors noticed that
    the same lights stayed on and his car was in the drive, but didn't
    call the police until Sunday.  When the police went in, they discovered
    a body, rather than an injured person.  From physical evidence,
    they believe he was knocked out, came to, tried to reach a phone
    and failed, and died of internal injuries suffered in the fall.
     (I also had worked for his fiancee until about 4 months prior to
    the accident.  None of the results were pretty.)
    
    About living alone.  I do, much of the time.  It could be a couple
    of days before someone found me if I suffered a similar accident.
    I like the sense of independence, of being able to do what I want
    when I want to.  But I don't think it's overly safe.  But then,
    all of life's a gamble anyway - right? :-)
    
    Alison

>I've always wondered how anyone could tolerate living with roommates,
>especially when you're not even FRIENDS -- I'd think it would be very
>awkward and private-less.  I guess I'm just an intensely private soul.
>I love being alone, listening to my music, doing what I want, cooking
>the meals I want, and being surrounded by my own things.

Oh me too.  My privacy is *very* *very* important to me.  I find it necessary
to live with a roommate for financial reasons, but I virtually live alone.
I don't use the livingroom or diningroom, and I use the kitchen only
for storing and cooking food - I eat in my bedroom.  I have a very large
bedroom (one of the reasons I choose the place I am living) and in it is
everything I need - my bed, my keyboard, my stereo, my tv, my computer,
my books, and enough room to "entertain" one or two people.  (I could never
have a party.  Oh well.) The rest of the house is decorated tastefully
but not at *all* in my style.  Everyone who visits comments on the fact
that walking in to my room is like walking in to another living space
altogether - the crystals and doilies and ceramic ducks are replaced with
dragons and Georgia O'Keefe and Escher.  Just a whole different flavor.
So essentially I am renting a room.  I live alone in it, and it doesn;t
have a kitchen or bathroom, so I borrow those from the next door neighbor. :-)

The same was true in college.  My first year I had to share a room with
someone else - but my side of the room was kept *very* much MY SIDE.
It was decorated strongly *me*.  I arranged the furniture such that there
was a strong sense of division between her side and mine.  (She didn't
mind  - we got along well, didn't interefere with eachother's privacy, etc.)
I am a very private person, my living space is very private, and very
*personal*.  (I get antsy staying any place that doesn't feel like *me* -
that is why I decorate my office too.)

My third year in school I got an apartment with my boyfriend.  That didn't
cramp my style much, because he was a part of me.  It became *us*, but
equally as private.  We valued *our* privacy, rather than each of our 
individual privacy.  It wasn't that we had to fit both our universes into
one house - it was that we both moved into the *same* univere.  (Not that
there were never any conflicts, or times that I wished I had my own space,
but it was doable, because I still felt like I had privacy - not *from* but
*with* him.)

D!

Everything that Mike, Mike, Carla, and D! said.

One of the things I like the most about my own place is that I don't have to
clean up after anyone but myself.  If the place is a mess it's my fault, the
dishes in the sink are mine, I put the newspaper on the living room floor,
the scum in the tub is mine, etc.

I moved out of an apartment where I had lived with three males who all were
Deadheads and with whom I had just about nothing in common.  This is the first
time I've ever been in a situation where I've lived completely alone.  It's
still somewhat lonely, but it's better than dealing with roommates. IMO

And my goal is NO advance warning....=).

Lisa

    
    Ditto for Mike, Mike, Carla, D! and Lisa.
    
    I had roommates all through college and it got REAL painful after a
    while. I'm a slob. But I can't deal with other people's messes. So, if
    I had a neat roommate, she freaked. If I had a slob roommate, I
    freaked. Every month, I go on a cleaning binge, and it can stay clean
    for up to a full week. Having someone else around just gets in the way.
    The cats are bad enough.
    
    There's nothing I would hate more than having to worry about house
    guests when I don't feel like putting clothes on.
    
    Some day, I hope to be like D!, living with someone with whom I want
    privacy "with", but not privacy "from". Until then, I'm livin' the
    single life... literally.

    It is interesting to note some of the safety concerns of people who
    live alone.  I live alone (in a first floor apartment) and frequently
    leave the front door unlocked if I am home.  I come and go when I want 
    to and don't feel the need to inform anyone.  In June, I will move 
    into 3 bedroom house and live by myself (as long as I can afford it).
    
    I, like others in this discussion, highly value my privacy;  This note
    have given me an interesting insight into some of the fear people
    experience living alone.
    
    Here's to washing dishes once a week!
    
    Joe H.  
                                      

    Guess I'll go against the flow!  I've lived alone for weeks or a month
    at a time, but I don't like it.  Only once have I lived with a HORRIBLY
    MESSY roommate (lasted three years, can you believe it?!); with two or
    three others, some personality problems developed; and now I've had
    three rooming situations in a row that worked well in their different
    ways.  I'm more concerned about personality "fit" than neatness.
    
    I think the key is to find someone who has the same ideas about privacy
    as you do -- or who can communicate well enough about what their needs
    are.  For instance, D! is lucky to have found a situation ideal for her
    in that she can live alone in a place with someone else.  For me, I
    prefer to know that there are lives going on around mine as well, and
    like to share what's going on in mine.  Taking the time when
    interviewing to discuss "rooming relationship level" openly is a good
    idea.
    
    The "my mess" vs. "your mess" stuff doesn't bother me.  We usually talk
    over how chores are to be done, and in what rotation.  Most of the
    clutter is mine anyway, and I apologize profusely twice a week.  :-)
    
    Pam

Well, I like living alone and I like living with other people.

Advantages (to me) of living alone:
-----------------------------------

   o  No hassles with chores, etc.  I'm really neat I have to adjuct
to live with other people who are messier than me (95% of the
population).

   o  No TVs, stereo, etc making noise that you are not in control of.

   o  Can walk around naked or half-naked.

Advantages of living with other people:
---------------------------------------

   o  Costs alot less.  Can save money.

   o  Not as lonely.  Have people to talk to.

   o  Keeps you flexible.  I find living with other people a good
chance to learn about myself and grow.  Because things come up and you
get practice at resolving issues, etc.  Also, you can built valuable
relationships if things work out (they don't always work out).

I found that if you do live with other people (roommates) it's
important to establish some ground rules like chores, how many nights
SO's can stay over and stuff like that so everything is real clear up
front.

john

    I like living alone - I don't feel that I am at higher risk for harm
    from strangers than I would be sharing with a roommate.

    The everyday advantages far outweigh the possible risk for me.

    I like living on the top floor of my apartment building, and I have a
    timer system to handle the lights at night so they go on and off at the
    right times if I'm away.  I get very claustrophobic if the curtains are
    ever closed.  I am at the back of the building, over a parking lot, and
    I have plenty of privacy leaving them open.  I do change clothes in the
    bathroom, though.  And I don't walk half dressed in front of the open
    windows.  In some places, this would be dangerous, but the way my
    apartment is set up makes it possible.

    I am very paranoid about walking alone at night in the city, but for
    some reason, never feel fearful in my own place.  The quality of life
    living alone outweighs the small possibility of being a victim at some
    point for me.  And I feel much safer living in Nashua than I did in
    Cambridge.  

    I have a noisy chain lock on my door.  I also have a very alert cat
    (I'm not kidding) who goes flying off my waterbed and makes waves and
    wakes me up if he even hears the people going into the apartment across 
    the hall.  

    In most cases, I would be able to pick up the phone by my bed in time
    to call someone if I was home and someone was trying to get in.  But
    like everyone everywhere, I'm vulnerable to someone being in my place
    when I get home and not knowing it.

    A lot of people in my apt. complex prop the outside doors open with the
    mud mats so that they don't have to use their keys.  This really
    irritates me, and makes me feel much more vulnerable than I would
    otherwise.  Laziness is no excuse to jeopardize everyone else!

    Holly

    It's not the living alone part that worries me, it's the fact that
    I'm in a first floor apartment.  I'm VERY aware of the fact that
    the windows in my bedroom could be broken into in a split second.
    Perhaps if I kept them sealed tight and locked at all times the
    sound of breaking glass would wake me in time to do something (run),
    but in the middle of summer when it's 80 degrees at night I hardly
    consider that an option.

    I didn't realize how much this bothered me 'til one night I heard
    "sounds" outside.  What they were, I don't know.  They could have
    been a branch hitting the building, a raccoon on her nightly jaunt.
    All I know is I had a hard time falling asleep and I plotted my
    route to the kitchen knives.

    Sue    

    I've lived on the first floor 3 times since moving out to the Worcester
    area.  Twice I got broken into (fortunately I wasn't there at the
    time).  Apartment insurance would cover the things that were stolen,
    but my peace of mind was always at stake.  I always wondered who was
    out there, always kept the curtains closed, lived in darkness, lived in
    silence (who might be listening?  they'd know I have a TV or a stereo
    to take....) - and of course if they rob you once, they've marked what
    else you have in their minds and could always come back....
    
    -Jody
    

    I wasn't so much worried about someone breaking in when I lived alone
    (although my apartment was robbed once), but what would happen if I got
    very sick, or something, with no one around to send out to buy chicken
    soup, or aspirin, or whatever (I don't often get sick, but when I do, I
    sometimes am so sick I can't even roll over in bed, let alone get
    dressed, get in the car, drive to the drugstore, etc.).  The one time
    it happened, though, I had a small "soup chicken" in the freezer, just
    by chance, so I managed to stumble out of bed, get the chicken into
    a big pot, add water, put it on the stove, take some aspirin, and
    crawled back into bed.  A couple of hours later, after finally getting
    some sleep thanks to the aspirin, there was chicken soup on the stove -
    I tossed in a few noodles and ate some - I think I ate that soup for
    three days, until I felt well enough to get out and buy food.
    
    
    /Charlotte

    Hi all. I do not live alone. I live with my 65 year old mother. Our
    house is built so that it is difficult to get to either exit without
    passing an area where any intruder is likely to be. One could climb out
    of the 2nd story window, where all the bedrooms are, but one would
    probably break one's neck in the fall to the ground. It's as much as 35
    feet in some spots. The closet to the ground from the 2nd floor is 20
    feet. Still scary. 
    
    Once, before I moved back home and my mother was away, she came home to
    find that the house had been broken into. Someone, we later found out
    who, had broken in through the cellar and slept there overnight. He had
    only taken a beer. He left a note scrawled on the counter saying "Merry
    Christmas and you're lucky it is Christmas or I would have cleand you
    out" She is still frightened to the point of if I don't call before 10
    at night I'm locked out via the storm door which is not key unlockable.
    
    I too get nervous when I'm alone there. It's a large victorian house
    and I love it but it can be awfully noisy at night when your alone
    there. 
    
    BTW and this should not be a point but I'm a 38 year old man and I can
    easily be scared, especially in today's society.
    
                           Phil

    
    	Time for me to add my 2 cents worth here.. :-)  I've been living
    	 alone in a 3 bedroom house now for just over a year.  I enjoy the
    	 freedoms, but also have wondered how long it would take anyone
    	 to notice if something happened to me.
    
    	I've had roomies for 5 of the past 6 years, and enjoyed all but
    	 the first one. (then I settled on female roomies, and we got along
    	 much better)  I don't think I could handle a roommate who wasn't
    	 a friend, ie we go out and do things together.  I'd need to have
    	 someone whose tastes were similar to mine.  I think that's part of
    	 the reason my first roommate and I didn't get along well.
    
    	As for security, I've installed a deadbolt on the front door, and
    	 have a security rod on the glass patio door.  I'm lucky in that
    	 my neighbors and I watch out for each other, so I feel reasonably
    	 secure.  Also, the crime rate in my town is pretty low.  Since
    	 our gun law was enacted 8 years ago, the crime rate dropped 98%!
    	 (the law states that if you are head_of_household withing the city
    	 limits, you must own a gun)  I keep my .38 on one side of my bed,
    	 and my rifle on the other side.  
    
    	The part that worries me is that it may take a few days before
    	 anyone would notice if I were to disappear.  I'm in Field Service,
    	 so I often keep weird hours.  I have no family in Georgia, and
    	 am currently not involved with anyone.  I reckon it's take about
    	 2-3 days before anyone noticed, longer on weekends.
    
    	Not a pleasant thought, but the freedom of living alone is worth
    	 the risks, I think....
    
    
    
    
    					-Rich