Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    I have 6 brothers and sisters, and there is no resentment between
    any of us.  Although I should resent my older sister.
    
    She is 8 years older than me, blonde, perfect figure, and was
    very popular when she was in high school.  I had hoped that when
    I grew up, I would look a little like her, and have as many friends,
    but that is not the case.  I grew up to be short, brunette, slender 
    but not much of a figure, and not at all liked in school.  She was just
    so sweet to me during that time, saying things like "The other kids
    aren't important, you are".  I have been out of school for 6 years
    now, she is still my blonde, beautiful, sweet sister.  I should
    hate her, but I can't!
    
    As for the rest of my siblings, sure, we had our fights, and sometimes
    punishments weren't fairly doled out, but we all grew up close,
    even though our ages ranged so much (to date:  37, 32, 32, 31, 27,
    23 and 15).
    
    I wouldn't trade my family for the world!
    
    K.C.

    I have a brother...He never said a civil word to me until
    I was 21 (he was 27 at the time) and even now our relationship is
    marginal at best.  How do I cope with it?  Fortunately he lives
    in another state so visits/telephone calls are infrequent.  When
    we do talk, I try to keep it real general and avoid topics where
    I could feel hurt by him again.  I have gotten to the point
    where I can accept that we're never going to be close, and I try
    to understand what's driving (and drove) his behavior towards me.  
    I also have terrific moral support from my husband who has witnessed
    my brother in action and agrees with me that my brother is a jerk.
    Having a second opinion has helped me, since I no longer put all the
    blame on myself for the situation.  I would also recommend counseling.
                                   
    Wouldn't it be wonderful if all families were like the ones on TV
    when you were growing up?
    
    Liz
    

    
    Unfortunately, I have the same problem with my sister.  Although
    I love her deeply she does things that turn me off ALL the time.
    She has always been jealous of my relationship with my parents
    (Dad has always loved me best - so she says), jealous of my 
    relationship with my brother, jealous of my friends, and jealous
    of my boyfriend(s).
    
    She says and does things ALL time that really make me angry but
    I have learned that the only way to deal with it is to stop
    telling her things and stop talking with her.
    
    This may sound cruel to some of you but there are other things -
    one REAL BIG ONE in particular - that recently happened and I 
    can never forgive her for what she did.   
    
    Tracy
    

    Just because you're related doesn't mean that you are compatible.
    What _is_ important is some degree of cooperation in the family,
    on whatever level is possible...even if it just means being civil
    to each other at a holiday meal!
    
    I have four sisters, and we're all pretty close in age...our
    relationships have ebbed and flowed over the years and continue
    to change.
    
    Perhaps your sibling isn't aware that his/her behaviour is driving
    you up the wall?  (Or perhaps s/he does and continues because s/he
    knows it drives you bonkers!)  The hardest people to be assertive
    with are those closest to you...think of how you would handle the
    situation if it was a co-worker or a friend...sometimes we believe
    that because siblings are family, they must be treated differently...
    if they are causing you grief, it is up to you to say something,
    or else continue suffering.  Forget that they're related for a minute
    and look at the situation objectively...as has been said many times,
    you can't change the other person...change the situation or how
    you react to it and see what happens...
    
    

I have 2 sisters and a brother. My older sister is 4 years older than
me; she is 31 and I'm 28. When we were very young we all got along
fine, but as we got older she wanted less and less to do with us
"young brats". Like .2, there were many years when she never said a
civil word to nay of us. 

When I was in highschool and college I had a real hard time dealing
with her. She always seemed to get what she wanted and there was
nothing left over for the rest of us. (Talk about traumatized, I'm not
only a middle child, but I share the middle with my brother ;*) ) I
really resented the fact that my parents paid for her to go to a very
expensive college, but when it was time for the rest of us to go there was no
money left and we went to state schools. Money was very tight for
me. I worked two jobs during school most of the time. It took me along
time to realize that I didn't miss out on anything by going to a state
school. In fact, I think I gained alot because of the exposure to such
a wide variety of people and opportunities. Looking back on it, this
seems really silly that it bothered me so much. 

Finally over the years, we have come to realize that I am not a "young
brat" and she is not a "snotty bitch". We get along okay now. We are
nowhere as close as I am to my younger sister, but we are heading in
the right direction. As we get older, we find more things to value
about each other. 

I still have resentments about the way she treats my parents. She
still lives at home and, to me, it looks like she takes tremendous
advantage of my mom and dad. I'm getting used to the idea that she
cannot take advantage of them unless they let her. I have to accept
the fact that their relationship doesn't have to work for me, it has
to work for them. 

I'm really happy to see our relationship move from avoiding each other
to being able to do things together and actually enjoy each others
company. 

Patti 

    I have one brother who is 4 1/2 yrs. older than me.  (We're 38 and
    43 now-although it doesn't seem possible we're that old already.)
     We have nothing in common.  I don't resent him.  It's not worth
    it although he's certainly never been a help to me in my life, and
    sometimes a hindrance.
    
    Back in school he was very quiet, had no friends and people used
    to make fun of him.  I don't know why he was like this and my parents
    seemed to turn a blind eye to his problems.  He never asked for
    help.  When I started school I had to live down his reputation as
    an outcast and a weirdo in order to be accepted.  It wasn't always
    easy.  I've always been quiet until I get to know people, but he's
    the quietest person I've ever known.  He never gets to know people!!
    
    He lives in my parents house (my father is dead & my mother in a
    resthome completely senile after a stroke).  He has never married and
    has not dated for years.  He's petrified of women.  He can't even look
    a pretty one in the eye today.  He's a nice person, but just extremely
    quiet and lives sort of like a hermit.  I'd be miserable with his
    life but he doesn't seem to mind.
    
    But, he was never any help to me when I was a teenager and I wanted
    to make friends and meet guys and figure out how to act in social
    situations.  In fact, in some ways he was a hindrance.  I used to
    be embarrassed to have my friends and boyfriends meet him, for fear
    that they would think that if I had a brother that weird there must
    be something wrong with me too.
    
    Two years ago my mother told me she was leaving her house and 3
    acres of land to him.  I told her I didn't think it was fair, that
    she had two kids, and she shouldn't leave her house to just one.
     She said, "Well, he was the one who stayed home to take care of
    me!"  I couldn't believe it.  She didn't realize he only stayed
    home because he was afraid to go out into the world.  She said to
    me, "You went off and left home and got married."  (No kidding.
     Don't most people?)
    
    I call him once a month to make sure he's still alive.  He never
    calls me.
    
    Lorna
      

    I have (had) an older sister, 3 & 1/2 years my senior.  We were
    both adopted, each of us from different biological origins.  We
    were never really close growing up, but I saw that mainly due to
    the age difference.  I figured there would come a time when age
    would no longer make a difference. 
    
    My sister got married and promptly had 4 children, her first biological
    ties in her life.  For a bunch of complicated (sick) reasons, my
    sister cut off all communication with me over 6 years ago.  She
    uses her children like weapons to manipulate our parents and get
    what she wants.  I am not 'allowed' to see, telephone, write or
    communicate with my nieces in any way.  The last time I saw the
    youngest one she was 13 months old.  She is now almost 8 years old.
    She has no idea who I am.  The others will, no doubt, have some
    recollection of me as their aunt, they really loved me and I loved
    them, but their childhoods are going by and I cannot be a part of
    it.  
    
    Maybe when they reach majority age they will seek me out.  I hope
    so.  Even if they do, beginning a relationship in their adulthood
    will not replace all that is being lost during these years of
    alienation.
    
    If my sister were to come to me now, or in the future, I just don't
    know if I could let her back into my life.  I'm really used to not
    having her in my life now, although I miss my nieces a lot.  My
    sister is not the kind of person I would choose for a friend, so
    I think, what would ever be the point of reconciling with her?
    
    As an adoptee, I did search for my families of origin about 3 years
    ago.  I found a half-brother and half-sister, much to my delight,
    and we are figuring out how to be siblings in our adulthood.  They
    'act' the way I had always hoped brothers/sisters would act with
    each other.  It is great, exciting, and I love them both dearly.
    
    Family stuff comes with such baggage sometimes, and I for one ought
    to know.  I have zillions of relatives now, and I don't refer to
    my family tree as a 'tree', it is, in fact, a forest!
    

    Well, let me add my two cents from the other direction.  I have
    a younger brother (by about 6 years) who, although I know he loves
    me, resents me deeply.  I know why - I was given a lot of authority
    over him when he was younger.  I babysat 5 nights out of seven...I
    was essentially a third parent.  unfortunately, I was really too
    young to be given such a responsibility...I resented having to stay
    home and take care of Daniel rather than go out with my friends,
    so I took it out on him.  Physically (not abuse, but quite a bit
    of unneccessary pushing around) and definately emotionally.  I was
    too young to realize that I was doing real damage.
    
    My brother moved in in with father 5 years ago, and I stayed with
    my Mom, so our relationship is quite a bit different now.  When
    we see eachother, we get along fairly well, but have very little
    in common to talk about (for reference, I am 20, he is 14).  I wish
    we could be closer...I've been trying to write and call and be a
    part of his life, a positive, loving part this time, but it's hard
    over 2500 miles.
    
    Incidentally, there are other things that make him resent me...I
    always did much better in school, for some reason, and he had to
    live up to that expectation (my family is very acheivement-oriented.)
    Also, although it is patently untrue, he always felt (when he was
    younger) that he was discriminated against because we was black
    and I was white.  He doesn't believe that anymore, but I think the
    resentment from those days remains.  (Actually, the "discrimination"
    was because of age...of course I got to stay up later/have friends
    over/do more things...I was 6 years older! :-)
    
    Anyway, just some ramblings.  I just wanted to say that one estranged
    sister is doing her best to overcome the resentment that came between
    her and her brother.
    
    D!ana

    "Wow."
    
    That's what I thought to myself, as I read the previous replies.
    
    I think it's interesting that most of the responses so far are on
    the negative side.  They also seem to be "I'm older than my siblings",
    but there are a few middle-children in here.
    
    I'm 10 years older than my sister (I'm 22, she's 12), and the
    differences between us are so great that we do have a basically
    good relationship.
    
    Dad married Mom when I was 4, and I was a rather difficult child.
    Hyperactive, bright, but with a hearing-impairment, there was a
    lot of stress going around during their first years of marriage,
    and (not to pat myself on the back, but) I think that having such
    a big problem to work on helped develop them into a team.
    
    When Jennifer came along, things were much different.  Since it
    was later in their life, things were a bit more prosperous, and
    now that she's at the age where she can enjoy outside activies,
    she (and my parents) are very involved in softball (parents are
    coaches), girl scouts (Dad chaperones trips), soccer (Mom and Dad
    drive girls to game), and innumerable other after-school activities.
    
    She's also an achiever, whereas I was a bright goof-off.  
    
    I've been "out of the house" since I was 15 - I attended a residential
    school, and then entered college, with dormitory life, etc.  Summers
    are spent working in such exotic places as California and Massachusetts
    (Hello, Digital!) - home being in Maryland, I'm only there on holidays
    and school vacations.
    
    To Jennifer, I'm the brother that goes everywhere, sees everything,
    and sends loads of "neat" stuff home.  She's got a better sweatshirt
    collection than any of her friends, which makes my arrival at the
    ole homestead that much better, and departure is a tearful thing.
    She might resent me periodically, but the good things outweigh.
    
    She is 12, so I imagine that deep thoughts about sibling relationships
    are not really forefront in her mind right now, but I can see the
    basis for a great future relationship - one that will only grow
    stronger as the difference in ages is not so apparent.  There's
    a big difference between 12 and 22, but 22 and 32 is not as bad...
    
    --------------
    
    For those with "jerk" siblings...  Just because you share the same
    parents does not mean you have to share their misery.  If you're
    satisfied that you've made the best effort you can, and they're
    not meeting you halfway, then seek elsewhere for soulmates.
    
    The comment about what you would do if they were co-workers instead
    of siblings is an excellent one.
    
    I have more net-sisters and net-brothers than I care to tell
    non-computer-oriented people.  Places like Notes develop the sibling
    attitude through the sharing and caring that are present, and blood 
    seems to be an unnecessary attribute.  :^)

    Bill

    re .-1
    
    I share your boat with the babysitting, being 8 years older than
    my "baby" brother.  But, unlike you, I didn't have too many friends
    to go out with, so babysitting Peter 5 nights out of 7 was no problem
    for me.  As a matter of fact, we are having lunch tomorrow, so I
    can "warn" him about the school that he is starting next week (Nashua
    High).  (For a better idea of my background, read .1.  But just
    because I had older siblings, didn't mean that I could pawn Peter
    off on them; they were all out of the house except for the one just
    older than me, who might as well have been!)
    
    My heart goes out to you, and to all who have the misfortune of
    not being able to get along with siblings.  I don't count myself
    as normal.  Just extremely fortunate.
    
    Best of luck,
    
    K.C.

    
    	I have 3 younger sisters.  Twins, Michele and Margo, were born
    	11 months after me (all of us in 1966 and we're called Irish
    	Triplets)  My youngest sister, Tracy, is 5 years younger than
    	I am.  
    
    	My sisters and I have always fought, physically a lot of the
    	time.  There have been fat lips and broken fingers even.  But
    	I love my sisters more than anyone alive and I know that they
    	feel the same way about me.  It hasn't been easy for them--I
    	got better grades than them in HS--I went to a big football
    	school which my parents loved--I'm very big on ND.  However
    	I paid most of my own way.  Michele's schooling will end up
    	costing the most.  Both Michele and Tracy came out by themselves
    	to visit me at school and became close to my friends.  My whole
    	family including Margo's boyfriend came out for graduation and
    	threw a party for all my friends, bought all of us roses for
    	graduation, bought me a gold bracelet and then after we got
    	home, organised and threw a graduation party for me with everyone
    	we know from this area including all of Michele's best college
    	friends.  Next year when all 3 of them graduate from something
    	I'm sunk because I'm going to be in TX and even if I was home
    	I wouldn't even know how to EQUAL what they did.
    
    	I feel badly for those people who don't have that kind of closeness
    	with their siblings.  I feel as someone else earlier did, that
    	I am extremely lucky.  I wouldn't trade my sisters for the world.
    	There are, and always have been, times when we drive each other
    	nuts, but we've always been there for each other and I firmly
    	believe that we always will be.
    
    	Rachel

    God gives you your relatives, thank goodness you can choose your
    friends!