Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    I am currently raising two children on my own.  Being a single mom
    is frightening, exhausting, lonely, and eye-opening.  On the other 
    hand it is a rewarding, emotionally strengthening experience.  
    
    I would recommend that you seek support of family and friends as
    soon as possible, because that is what has helped me during this
    time.  You don't have to be alone and frightened.  There are women's
    support groups, therapists and many others.  I am not saying you may
    not have to endure some of the "sniggering or disapproval" you fear,
    but believe me your skin will get mighty thick in the next couple
    of years if you choose to be a single parent.  And what others think
    really doesn't matter, if they love you, they will accept, and you
    must always hold your head up and think well of yourself.  You are
    giving a lot more thought to your situation than I ever did in the
    beginning.  I was 21 when I had my first son almost 7 years ago.
    
    You may wish to let the father know; you are entitled to child support, 
    and that money is VERY important!  
    
    I don't know what else to say right now, I am trying to think of my
    own experiences.  Please feel free to send me mail, anon, you do not
    need to feel ashamed about this situation!  You are NOT alone, by a
    longshot.  There is much help and support available.  I will be glad
    to listen and answer your questions.
    
    Kim

    Look at QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS note # 970.  It deals with raising
    children "out of wedlock."

    Hi,
    
    I am the author of note #970 in QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS, so I can
    relate to your problem some what.  Although I live with the baby's
    father, I will probably still be considered a single parent.  I
    think you should tell your exboyfriend about the baby.  You were
    in a relationship with him for 18 months, there still must be some
    feelings there.  Are you afraid he's going to make trouble for you?
    
    I have a lot of phone numbers of support groups that can help you
    mentally and financially if need be.  If you'd like these numbers,
    you can send me mail (anonomously if need be) and I'd be more than
    happy to send them to you.
    
    Now that I'm in my 5th month of pregnancy and starting to show,
    it's hard to keep it a secret anymore (not that I have been), and
    you'd be surprised that people don't shun you the way you'd think
    they would because you're not married.  I've learned that my friends
    and family are there for me and they've been very supportive.  Things
    will work out.  But remember (as a friend told me when I first found
    out I was pregnant), not doing something about it, is doing something
    about it.
    
    Lori B.

    
    You mentioned that you're not sure how you got pregnant, since you're
    on the pill.  The olny idea that I had came from looking at my
    calendar.  I went back 10 weeks which puts the time of conception on or
    slightly before Christmas Eve.  If you went off the pill as soon as you
    broke up but still had live sperm in your body, (they live 3 days I
    think), you could possible have ovulated just in time.  
    Also, I'm not a doctor but I've heard that the hormones in the pill can
    cause damage to the fetus if you get pregnant and are still on the
    pill.  So, I would DEFINITELY ask your doctor about that.
    Also, by the way, even just skipping 1-2 days on the pill at the
    'right' time can cause you to ovulate.  So, if you stopped for a couple
    of days after you broke up, that could have caused it.
    
    I hope this has been of some help.
    Rachael Smith
    DTN 276-8543
    

    There are several other ways that you can get pregnant while on
    the pill. Some drugs such as tetracycline (I think) can interfere
    with the action of the pill. Also if you are throwing up a lot
    that will also lower your protection (you'll throw up the pill
    before you absorb it).
    
    Bonnie

    Dear Anon - 
    
    I too have been in a similar situation.  I was married to my baby's
    father but he and I had separated.  
    
    IMO - the primary thing to think about right now is what is bast for
    you and for your baby.  Your relatives, friends, your ex's relatives
    and friends are not going to have their lives affected to the extent
    that you and your baby will.  I'd like to pass along some of the questions 
    that I asked myself...
    
      o  Can I cope with having a baby alone...i.e. going through pregnancy
    and childbirth by myself with no support (financial or emotional)
    whatsoever?  There are no gaurantees that you will have any support
    from your ex or your friends and relatives.  Do you think you can find
    the support you would need if this happens?
    
      o  Can I support a child by myself both financially and emotionally? 
    Will I feel resentful of the child when I have to say no to social
    events, dates, lunches with friends, when I am not considered "dateable" 
    because I have a child?  Will I take it out on the child if these feelings 
    come up?  Will I resent the child because I have to spend my money on
    the child instead of on myself?  Kids cost a lot of money.  I'd advise
    you to go to the grocery store and check out the price of diapers,
    formula, baby food, pacifiers, bibs, bottles, etc,etc,etc.  Then call a
    few daycare centers in your area and check on the cost of daycare for
    an infant for 1 year.  You'll be surprised.
    
      o  Am I ready for parenthood regardless of the circumstances?  Can I
    responsibly raise a child by myself?  Do I have my own life under
    control enough to feel confident passing down those values and ethics
    to a child?
    
    
    Remember that you do have choices.  They are many and varied.  Whatever
    you decide - make sure it's the best decision for you and the child at
    this time.
    
    Good luck!
    
    Feel free to contact me by mail.
    
    Nanci Van Fleet

    G'Day,
    
    Re: .5
    
    	Christmas and New Year are the highest failure times of the pill (I
    read it somewhere but can't remember where) and it is for the reason
    you mention.  Some people tend to drink to excess at these times of
    year and end up going home with somebody, throwing up, having sex and
    then the pill fails because you vomitted it and/or forgot to take the
    following days due to hangover etc.  Now I don't know if .0 was in this
    situation or not but it certainly does happen.
    
    David.
    
    

    other things that affect the pill include decongestants, and other
    regular medications.  And, as whatever-pamphlet-you-read-on-birth
    control says quite clearly....NO method is 100% effective except
    abstinence.  Maybe there are some centers around which you could ask
    for information about how other people have chosen - centers which
    would support your decision either way - whether you keep the child or
    put it up for adoption - but would allow you to explore how other
    people who they've worked with decided, and how it affected their
    lives?  I'll bet there are probably books in the library which could
    reveal ramifications of either that you might not have seen
    yourself....
    
    take care,
    
    -Jody

    
    
    I think you should most definitely tell the father.  It is afterall
    his child also.  But don't be surprised if you get a very negative
    reaction from him.  As was stated before, he is also legally
    responsible for this child.  So if you choose to have the
    child and keep it then you will need his help both emotionally
    and financially.  
    
    God Bless,
    Michele

    If you plan on asking for child support, tell the father asap and let
    him be part of your plans and decisions.  If you don't, don't say 
    anything to him until you have made firm decisions with which you are 
    comfortable.  And that means deciding your response to every possible
    reaction he may have.  If you think he might go off the deep end and 
    demand abortion, don't tell him until it's too late for that, if at all.
    
    As for the family, tell only the ones to whom you are the closest and 
    will support you.  You don't need any negativity, you need peace of
    mind and a sense of control of the situation.
    
    If you plan to work after taking some time off, start looking for
    daycare now.  My friends tell me good daycare is difficult to find,
    expensive and has waiting lists.

    re: anon...
    
    There are more and more women who are deciding to get pregnant and be
    single mothers for a variety of reasons.  Some people will react
    negatively to a single, pregnant woman, but I believe that attitudes
    are changing and there is not the same "shock" value or judgements that
    we used to see.
    
    Clearly your family will have their feelings and reactions about your
    pregnancy, if you choose to tell them, and you may well be able to
    guess based on knowing them and their personalities whether or not they
    will be able to be supportive of you, or if they will be judgemental
    and non-supportive.
    
    As for the father of your child, yes, technically, he would be
    responsible for supporting your child.  In reality, would you be able
    to count on him for support, is a hard question to answer.  If he were
    to default on child support payments it is a lengthy and involved
    process to work the system.
    
    Adoption can be a less traumatic experience, depending on how it is
    handled.  It is my opinion that a totally closed adoption is the most
    traumatic method of adoption for both birth mother and child. 
    Nowadays, you have the option for an open adoption, semi-open adoption,
    or anything in-between.  In fact, as the birth mother, you can decide
    what is best for you in this situation, you can set the conditions of
    the adoption.  I believe that this method is the most humane, loving
    and caring approach.  You have many options, I would suggest that you
    get some support in looking at these options and deciding what is best
    for you.  I know a couple who have two adopted children, one via the
    "traditional" closed method and one who was adopted in a totally open
    method.  In fact, the birth mother and adoptive mother developed a very
    close and loving relationship while still giving the baby/child the
    opportunity he needs to bond with his adoptive parents.  It can work if
    all people concerned are open and expansive enough to believe that
    children do have an infinite capacity to love when raised in a healthy,
    caring, supportive and nurturing environment.  In other words, if
    parents can love more than one child, children can love more than one
    set of parents.  We tend to project limitations on children that aren't
    real.  If you want some help in getting connected with people who can
    support you, in a healthy, non-exploitive way about exploring your
    feelings about adoption, please contact me.
    
    If you are not comfortable with contacting me, I will list the name of
    an adoption agency that handles open adoptions, as well as the more
    traditional adoptions.  Although I have not had personal experience
    with them, I have heard that they do a good job.  As the birth mother,
    you get to select who the parents of your child will be, etc.  The name
    of this agency is Friends in Adoption.  As a pregnant woman, their
    services to you are free.  Friends in Adoption are located at: PO Box
    87, Pawlet, Vermont 05761.  Telephone: 802-325-3520, contact Dawn
    Smith-Pliner, Director.
    
    If I can be of any assistance, please let me know directly or via the
    moderators depending on your level of comfort with direct contact.
    
    Above all else, I hope that you find a way to come to a decision that
    is best for you at this point in your life.
    
    Laura
                                               

    
    One note about asking the father.  Yes, it is YOUR decision on wether
    or not to keep or give up the baby.  It is YOUR decision on wether or
    not to have the baby.  However, I think the father should have input
    too.  If he agrees that you should have and keep the baby, then it
    seems logical that it's his responsibility to help pay for it.  On the
    other hand, if you think you should have and keep the baby and he
    either thinks you should have and give up the baby or have an abortion,
    then you get into a sticky question.  Yes, the father did help to
    conceive the baby but he thought you were on the pill, (as you did).  
    For both of you it was a surprise.  So, this means the father did not
    willingly agree to have to baby or even to chance having the baby. 
    (most people think of the pill a 100% effective.)  Of course, you also
    did not willingly agree to chance having the baby.  But if you decide
    to have it and he thinks you shouldn't then I'm not sure if he should
    be obligated to pay for it.  And even if the courts decide that he
    should, he probably would be mad about it and not pay, or at least not
    pay promptly.  What I'm trying to say is that if you and he disagree,
    it's going to be difficult.  Personally, I think that if you take some
    advice given earlier, (you don't tell him about his baby until it's
    too late to have an abortion), and he would have wanted you to have an
    abortion, then you should be prepared to take on, 100% the financial
    responsibility as well as the emotional responsibility of raising the
    baby.  In addition, what if he would want you to have the baby, but you
    wait to tell him?  He is probably going to be hurt and distrustful and
    that's not the way to start off a mother-father relationship.  
    
    I dont mean to preach.  I know this is a difficult time for you.  But
    if he knew, it would probably but difficult for him too.  
    You might read the subject on abortion in mennotes.  They get into this
    issue.
    
    

    
    re -1
    
    Unfortunately, the laws in Mass state that regardless of whether or
    not the father agrees to support the child, he has a legal
    responsibility to pay child support.  It is just that simple.
    Sure it is not fair, but that's the law.
    
    I understand that this can get quite complex.  However, it seems
    as though this woman has decided to have the child.  The only
    way the father can legally avoid paying support is if the child
    were to be adopted.  He may be mad as hell at finding this out.
    Yet the responsibility for this child weighs on both of it's parents
    regardless of how the child was conceived or brought into this world.
    
    
    Michele

    Heavens, i hope this isn't taken out of context.
    Years ago when i first started having strong feeling about abortion,
    (yes, i know that's not the point, here; give me a moment; i'm still
    dealing with singed fur from the flames that followed my last attempt
    at a BRIEF observation) i also felt that the answer for a man who 
    didn't want a child was to keep his pants on.  I still feel abortion
    is a bad idea, but i would never vote to make it illegal again (maybe 
    to raise the standards for "informed consent").  However, i STILL think
    that any guy who doesn't want to pay child support needs to be sure
    he isn't doing anything that makes such a situation likely.
    Now! The thrust: I think this person should be allowed the opportunity
    to be responsible for his acts.  If he chooses honor, great.  If not,
    "we're" no worse off than before than before, are "we"?
    (Yeah, i know.  What do i mean "WE", kimosabe?)
    	{DISCLAIMER, after the fact: IMHO}		der
    

    I have raised a son from birth by myself, I also have a 6 year old
    daughter.  My son is now one.  It is very difficult raising a child
    by yourself, but it is very fullfilling as well.  You have to be
    totally prepared to be the ONLY one there.  Not just for getting up in 
    the middle night,  and if you work (I did) getting up with the child in 
    the morning even if he has been awake most of the evening as well. But
    also for making all the decisions and not having someone else there to 
    bounce them off of. If it is a decision you can discuss with another parent
    then that is great, but it is those spur of the moment decisions... am I
    doing the right thing?  Most times, common sense gets you through. 
    
    My son's father took off as well.  I do not get any support from him,
    and I don't want it.  As far as I'm concerned he didn't want this child
    and if he gives me money (through court, because he isn't going to do
    it on his own) that is a ticket for him to say 5-10 years down the
    road, ok I want to be daddy now.  And if I took the money, I would have to
    smile, grit my teeth and say ok.   Because the courts would make me, that
    is, if he is a "responsible" human being.  He wrote this child off and I
    have written him off.  He is not now and will not be his father.
    I have to live with that and my son will have to live with that.  Of
    course I read/watch all the articles/shows about boys not having a father in
    there life and how it is so detrimental.  But, I hope that I can do
    a good job and provide him with the male role models in his life to
    make up for that (uncles, cousins, friend, etc.).  But I think about
    it constantly, maybe some day I will remarry, it isn't in the 
    near future that is for sure and I'm not looking to find someone just
    to be his father. 
    
    
    Money is another big issue, you have to have money for diapers,
    formula, food, clothes.  A can of formula right now goes for
    2.79  (ready mixed), a baby goes through at least one can a day.
    Diapers now are 10.55 or abouts, and you go through them so fast.
    Baby food in itself is quite expsensive.  As I said clothes, they
    need new clothes every few months, I was lucky I had some help from
    friends and family in this department (actually all departments of
    giving).  And if you do decide to go back to work expect to pay at
    least (the very least) 100.00 a week for daycare, probley more for
    an infant.  So you are talking big bucks.  I'm just letting you know
    so you will be prepared.
    
    Time by yourself will become scarce and your social life will be
    next to nil.  I found that most people are very leary about caring
    for another persons baby under the age of 6 months, so many things can
    happen when there that young most people don't want to take on the
    burden.  And don't expect to date much because when a guy hears that
    you have a newborn or young baby, they kind of look at you a little
    differant.  They seem to think that your looking for a daddy,  or
    it just ain't worth the hassles.
    
    You wanted to know how it was, and this is how it was for me. But
    I have a beautiful 1 year old that is a great kid.  I wouldn't
    trade it for the world.  It is a lot of hard work, but it can be done,
    and it can be done with dignity. 
    
    Good luck with your decision.
    
    Chris
    

    
    
    
    The woman asked for support, she stated very clearly, "abortion was not
    an option!"  How many more times does it need to be said?  the woman
    stated that her two choices were to either raise the child alone, or 
    adoption. period. It would be nice if comments would be towards 
    sharing the experience of raising a child alone, or giving one to
    adoption, instead of preaching.
    
    vivian

    What a tough decision, my heart goes out to you.
    
    When I was 21, I lost my baby in the 7th month, but I can tell you how
    I felt.  Very confused.  I would not have married the father, it was
    not an option at the time.  But I would have tried to raise it as best
    I could.  That was my choice ...
    
    Now, I'm 27 and have a lot of experience dealing with single parenthood
    from an observation standpoint.  You see, one of my best friends is a
    single mother, and one of my roommates is a single mother.  Both have
    young sons around 4.  From my point of view (and both are *excellent*
    mothers), it is very difficult for them.  While one of them dates
    regularly, she cannot afford a babysitter and is living with her
    parents.  She must take her son everywhere, even on dates, if it is
    possible, because she doesn't want to burden her parents too much.  The
    other girl has *no* real social life outside of her family.  This may
    or may not be by choice.  But they have huge responsibilities to their
    children, and the kids come first and foremost.  Are you ready for that
    responsibility?
    
    Day-care:  expensive and difficult to find good caregivers with
    reasonable rates.  You must bear in mind that not only are children a
    joy to have, they are *expensive*.  Both of them have to take a lot of
    time off from work when their kids are sick or have problems of any
    kind.  One of them was in consideration for a promotion, and when her
    son became sick, she took a lot of time off.  Due to this, I believe
    the manager felt that she might not be so committed to her work, and
    she lost out on a promotion because of it (I think).
    
    There are many pros and cons to consider.  I urge you to think about
    adoption, as was discussed in previous replies.  If you feel you cannot
    handle a child at this moment in time, it might be the best
    alternative.  A girlfriend of mine had her daughter 2 years ago, the
    father deserted her (they never married) and she made the decision to
    give her up for adoption.  It was very difficult for her to do, but the
    only viable solution to her dilemma.  She arranged for someone in her
    church to find out about "open adoptions".  She has no contact with the
    child, but receives through this friend photos and letters on how the
    child is progressing.  The baby is stable and happy, well taken care of
    and my friend is happy because of this.  So it is something you might
    want to consider.  There are so many wonderful, deserving people out
    there who are unable to have children ... what a gift this could be for
    some special people, you, and your child, should you choose this route.
    
    
    Talk to your parents, even if it is difficult.  And yes, tell the
    father.  He may not choose to support you, but do you want to marry
    just for the sake of a child when you had problems prior to the baby's
    conception?  On the other hand, this may bring you two closer together.
    
    
    I wish you all the luck in the world.  Think of the pros and cons
    realistically, and tell your family and the father.  I'm sure your
    family will support you, maybe they will be upset in the beginning, but
    they love you and you need their guidance and support right now.
    
    
    Tammi (who's been there - and it's so hard ....)
    

Hi Folks,

The base-note author asked me to let you know that because of unforeseen
circumstances, she's currently unable to answer your messages. You've been
very helpful, and the author would like me to thank every one of you who
has replied. She will be in touch as soon as is humanly possible.


Liz

    As a parent remember one thing, "There is no formula for raising a good
    child or being a good parent".  Do your best, and what ever you decide 
    it will be right for you. 
    
    Its like walking on ice.  Take one step.  Stop.  Think about it. 
    Decide what to do next.  Don't look back.
                        

I'm surprised no one has brought up a third option:  the father might want
to raise the child.

There's even a fourth option: joint custody.

The base noter may consider full-time single parenting too much for her, and
giving the child up for adoption may be too hard, too.  If the father wants to
raise the child, he should have that option (and probably does, by law). 
Depending on the base noter's capabilities and wishes, one of the above could
be the best possible solution for her (and perhaps for the child, too!). 

        Carol

<  sniggering behind my back, 
< I'm not sure what people's reactions
< are going to be, and I feel bad enough right now, without having to cope with
< their negativeness.

I am a lesbian who was pregnant and am now raising the child with my spouse.
I'm not a *single* parent, but many consider me so anyway.  When I was pregnant
most folks knew I didn't have a man in my life, and many who *thought* I was
a lesbian got really confused.  :-)

I didn't get much flack, though, and I think it is because I was sure of myself.

When you are comfortable with the idea that you are pregnant, when you can
be happy with the child that you are bringing into the world (whether or not
you raise it) then you will be better able to handle any negative reactions.
I expected negative reactions, too, but found just the opposite.  Suddenly
I was *accepted* by people who would barely give me the time of the day before;
we were united by a common bond: parenthood.  You may find that you get
more positive reactions than you anticipate, too.

     Hugs and good luck,

       Carol

    It's hard to make a decison based on other peoples experiences because 
    everyone has a different experience.  I say go with what you feel is
    best...funny thing is I think *you* do know what you want to do but
    you need to check with people to see what *they* think.
    
    Since you don't want an abortion at least you know that - but do you
    really know if you want to give it up for adoption?  Maybe that's
    the one that really is scary.
    
    Personally I know alot of adoptive parents in my building and they
    are FAB parents....I wish I could pick out parents for you.  But on
    the down side of things some people aren't so FAB and I think people
    don't either want to think about it or mention it.  I know of a
    professional couple with great financial security that have adopted two
    children who as they see it - their careers come first and the toddlers
    stay with a babysitter or grandparents....not so good.  Don't ask me
    why they wanted to adopt in the first place.
    
    Anyway - the best person in the world who is an adoptive parent is
    Bonnie Reinke!!!!  Yeah....*****
    
    But anyway good luck to you and do talk with your ex-so...I think
    you will feel better if you do.....
    
    Take Care -
    
    Bobbi
    

    Bobbi
    
    thankyou, I'm blushing
    
    Bonnie

If have not told your parents, and you would like to maintain a close
relationship with them, you need to tell them.  If you do not tell them,
you may hurt them much more that you didn't feel you could come to them
when things get rough than springing some "unwelcome" news on them.

My impression is that you belong to a traditional family whose parents
will be upset by this advent.  I am a father of three [young] girls and
a boy, and it would upset me.  Two of my brother's girlfriends (now wives)
were pregnant during their wedding.

It will hurt mom and dad, but it will hurt less than the love they have
for you.

You will need to allow them to hurt and then recover.  If you are/were
close to them, they will recover and love you as much as they ever did, 
perhaps more because they have to (because you need more at this time
of your life).  Part of the hurt is the natural progression of grief,
which includes anger.  I am almost sure that you experienced disbelief,
fear, anger, resentment, and acceptance (you psychologists out there can
correct me on the order and missing emotions).  They will too, because
they are a part of your life.

In the eventuality that one my daughters gets pregnant before marriage (good
grief!  my oldest is only 10!), they are still part of me and are very dear
to me.  I won't be as mad as I will be pained that she didn't embrace the 
values in which my wife and I raise her to hold.  The fact will remain that
despite the efforts of Joy and myself to instill in them our values, 
they choose for themselves.

But they will *always* know this:  they are loved, unconditionally.

Mark Metcalfe

    I have not read all the replies, but ...
    
    first, something like 1 out of every 100 women who are on the pill
    get pregnant.  It is 99% effective.
    
    Support is important.  If, because you are on the pill, your boy
    friend thinks he is not the father, exact genetic marker testing can
    be done to prive paternity.  He does have responsibilities - it takes
    two to create the child.
    
    Going it alone .. well, I am not sure there is that much difference
    between having an ex 3000 miles away and NEVER in the picture when
    the child is small ( as in my case) or being apparently alone.  For
    me, I see it as only your affair.  Inquisitors can be shrugged off.
    
    Now I thought we were slightly more enlightened.  Better to be a
    single parent than in an unhappy marriage through force.
    
    As far as sescurity.  it might be a good idea to get a secure job
    with benefits.  Although if you are pregnant when you take the job
    you might not qualify for insurance coverage since it is a pre-
    existing condition.
    
    hope all goes well.