Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    (I'm uncomfortable that only men have replied to this point)
    
    It sounds as if you shouldn't be sure you really understand all sides
    of the story, though I'm not certain. My suggestion (from what little I
    know) is that you NOT try to block working with this man, but that you
    make sure to discuss your concerns ahead of time with at least three
    separate people (hopefully this can include your current boss). If your
    really worried, put it in writing to at least two people. My numbers,
    above, are just made up approximations, but probably reasonable.
    
    		- Bruce

    I'd concentrate on the job and keep your thoughts to yourself.  If
    anything occurs that is out of line, immediately make it clear that you
    do not desire his attentions, and then keep a journal.  
    
    my .02,
    Marge

One of the many tough lessons about work is that sometimes one has to work with
folks one would rather not. It looks like a learning opportunity to me! :-)

Also, I couldn't really tell from .0 what you were worried about. Future
advances, working with people you don't approve of, working with people who had
screwed up in the past and hadn't learned from it? It might help you to clarify
some of that.
	Mez

Reply from the base note author.

Bonnie J
=wn= comod

==============================================================
Based on what happened to my friend, I am physically afraid to meet
alone in a conference room with this man.

It was her word against his, but she believes that if they hadn't
been interrupted by a janitor, she would have been the victim of
more than an unwelcome embrace and kiss.

Reply from the basenote writer

***************************************************************


Aren't there any WOMEN reading this file today?  Hasn't anyone had to
deal with working with a man who's known to have sexually harrassed
someone else?  

The men answering me seem to have taken the approach that "These things
happen and you just have to live with them."  Gee, isn't that nice.  
Maybe since I'm not as pretty as my friend, I won't be asking for 
unwelcome advances, either.

Yes, I'm a woman reading this file. No, I've never been in your position.

I must admit if I was, if I was really worried about sexual violence, and it
wasn't at all important to put myself in this position for my career or
self-esteem, I wouldn't.
	Mez

    Well, I will venture a response.  I have seen in Digital people
    get out of working with eachother due to "personality conflicts".
    I don't know if assignments were turned down after given, or if
    people just knew better than to assign the individuals to the same
    project.  Of course if you do this too often, you could get the
    reputation of being difficult to work with.
    Is it true that the information about the harrasment case is considered
    confidential?  If so, might not your friend get in trouble if you let
    on that you know the details?  If not, I would perhaps tell the guy
    that you know about the charge, feel some discomfort working with him 
    as a result of it, but that you intend to judge him on how he acts 
    toward you.  That would clear the air, as well as let him know you 
    expect (not) to be treated.
       I think you have the right to meet only where you feel comfortable,
    (if in a conference room, keeping the door open).  When I have worked
    with people that I have felt were being inappropriate, I met their
    remarks head-on with "That is an inappropriate/offensive remark",
    spoken _loudly_.  Also, Marge's suggestion to document was a good
    one.
  	Linda

    If you are physically afraid of this guy, I think that it would
    be a good idea to talk to your boss about it, assuming that s/he
    is supportive.  I also don't think it would be a good idea to make
    up an excuse, because it may reflect on you rather than on  him.
    	Linda

In the cafeteria in MRO1 is fine - it's well populated.  But a lot of the smaller 
buildings have cafeterias that are out of the way and unpopulated except during lunch.
Same applies to many conference rooms, so those really aren't good choices.  Meeting
in an open office doesn't always wash well either, esp. for those around you.

I'd avoid the job entirely, though I'm not sure how to do that.

    I was in a very similar situation...this person kept pestering me
    to go "out for a drink" with him after work for several weeks.
    I was too naive (and young) to tell him off once and for all. Next
    thing I know, personnel and supervisors were called in.  This person
    had a history of making advances to single women (he is VERY
    married).  
    
    My suggestion is to first, relax.  He hasn't hit on you yet. By
    being so worried I'm sure you are giving out signals already (not
    being overly friendly, not making small talk, not responding to
    anything he says with a smile or eye contact).  There isn't much you
    can do unless he propositions you or makes body contact.  If he 
    does, quickly say, "that is completely out of line, please do NOT
    do that again" in a firm, and professional tone.  Do NOT overreact!
    You may need this guy for information down the line and you don't
    want to burn any bridges.  Listen to your friend, but remember, there
    are two sides to every story.  I was told later on that I was 
    supposedly "enticing" this person by my easy going manner and dress.
    I had no idea I was doing anything wrong.
    
    Feel free to contact me directly if you think there will be trouble
    down the line.
    
    C

    reply to .8...
    this is a reply from a woman who has over 15 years of experience
    dealing with men in the workplace, and up to this moment...I have not
    had a problem with any of my co-workers.  Sure, there are always people
    who will make a pass at you, but...I deal very tactfully but very
    firmly with that kind of people and believe me...they get the message! 
    May be I have been extremelly lucky, but I don't think so, I do deal
    with all kinds/types of men usually found in office work invironment
    and they have always behaved very nice, very gentleman-like with me.
    A woman has a "six sense" to spot a trouble situation and the message
    is...end it asap! Be clear to say you want nothing of the kind and that
    the connection is strictly professional and work-related and that
    your private life belongs to you and you alone and wants to keep it
    that way.  In your situation, I would not refuse to work with a person
    because that would damage my own performance and we get paid to do
    that, work, I also hate to judge others by rumors, but if the person is
    guilty, I would make sure that my supervisor knew of said rumor and I
    would be very clear in not getting involved in any anything that could
    lead to any sort of "danger". Remember, he has been "caught", has been
    problably reprimanded or advised to cool it, so, that weights against
    him in case of future happenings. Behave strictly
    professional/business like and I don't see much of a recurring
    problem... Best of luck.
    Ana

    
    I have been in a situation which has some similarities to that of your
    friend. Without going into details, I was re-assigned.
                                                   
    I have thought about what I would do. And I don't feel comfortable
    stating how I would handle the situation, except to say that I would do
    everything to protect myself, my professional reputation, and my
    career, and I really wouldn't concern myself with how it affected him;
    that's his problem.
    
    Do whatever it takes to manage yourself and your career. If all he got
    from Digital was a slap on the wrist for physically assaulting a
    co-worker, then I personally don't care if additional repercussions
    come into play. In my mind, he's got 'em coming.

	WOW!!!!  How do I reply to this and keep the roaring fire, not
	flames, to a minimum?  Here goes:

	I tend to agree with the above notes.  You don't want to end up
	hurting your career for something that may not happen.  Maybe
	he has learned his lesson.  BUT, make it very clear to your
	supervisor and someone in personnel that you have some very
	valid concerns about working with this person.  Events that
	seems the slightest bit questionable should be documented by 
	you.

	NOW, on to what really flamed me, and this is very relevant to
	your current situation also:


.13>    I was in a very similar situation...this person kept pestering me
.13>    to go "out for a drink" with him after work for several weeks.

	Maybe you didn't make it explicitly clear that you had no intentions
	of going out with this man, but when one repeatedly denies an invita-
	tion, don't (wo)men get the hint.  Also, doesn't "No" mean NO anymore?  

.13>    are two sides to every story.  I was told later on that I was 
.13>    supposedly "enticing" this person by my easy going manner and dress.
.13>    I had no idea I was doing anything wrong.
    
	YOU DID NOTHING WRONG BY DRESSING AND ACTING LIKE YOURSELF!!!!
	If the person who told you this works for personnel, they need a
	serious realignment on women's rights and valuing differences.
	I wear what I want and try to be myself at all times.  Easy-going
    	manner and dress are left to interpretation, but if my co-workers 
    	read more into it than is there, that's their problem, not mine.  
    	Doesn't this perpetuate the misconception that women say no, but 
    	mean yes?  That they are playing hard to get?  That "she wanted 
	it"!

	Attitudes like this are what keep rape, sexual assault and 
	sexual harrassment at the outrageous rate of occurance that they
	are at today.  

	Flame off.  Reply at will! 

    In my experience at Digital: He will try it again.  If not
    with you, then with another female co-worker.  The
    "slap-on-the wrist" reprimand does not usually stop a man
    who tries to force sex on unwilling female co-workers.
    
    I was in the situation where a man who had assaulted me in 
    a work environment was applying for a job at Digital (I had
    worked with him as Digital's representative).  I went to a male
    manager who is a close friend and asked him whether I should 
    conceal the problem or talk to the hiring manager.  If the jerk
    was hired, he would have been in a group that I was working with.
    My male manager friend advised me to inform the hiring manager,
    because the hiring manager would want to be aware of the possibility
    of repeat behavior, and could be very explicit about Digital
    corporate policy, without actually accusing the man of anything.  
    
    In fact, the jerk was not hired for other reasons, but the hiring 
    manager thanked me for sharing my experience.  He had already 
    decided not to hire the jerk, but if he had been planning to 
    make an offer, he said he would have wanted to know the information.
    
    No one suggested that I had been "inviting attentions".  I was 
    attacked at 1:45 pm in an office building.  The jerk had consumed
    several drinks at lunch.  I escaped with mussed hair, one lost
    button, and bad dreams.  I found out by discreet inquiries that he
    had a bad reputation with women - so bad that his male co-workers
    were aware of it.
    
    If I now had to work with someone, whom I knew had committed
    sexual harrassment of the kind you describe, I would let him know
    that I had heard of problems, and that I am not interested in an
    affair.  I would leave my source of information vague to prevent 
    repercussions on your friend.  I would also keep a journal of every 
    interaction, and avoid being alone with him at any time.  Literally.  
    If everyone else walked out of the conference room to take a break 
    except the two of us, I would leave.  If everyone else got off an 
    elevator we were sharing, I would get off with them.
    
    Whether I would tell my boss would depend upon my relationship
    with her/him, and whether I thought I would have his/her full
    support.  If my boss thought that incidents are partially provoked
    by the woman ("unconsciously"!!), then I would find a confidant in
    Personnel or EAP. I would be sure that someone knew I was going into
    an assignment where I felt endangered.
    
    I have seen men change their harassing behavior, but usually not
    until a major sanction.  Like when the harasser is forced to 
    transfer, rather than letting the victim find another job.  
    
    I am referring to men who commit serious harassment and physical
    assault, not to those who just use inappropriate language.  A
    formal reprimand can work very well to educate a man who is flirting
    or demeaning female co-workers.
    
    I would be happy to talk with you or reply by mail.  This was not
    my only experience of serious sexual harassment.
    
    Pat
      

    Something has been nagging at me about this note, and I finally put my
    finger on it.  
    
    Why *is* he still with the company?
    
    I was under the impression that just about the only thing you can be
    fired for directly at Digital is sexual harassment.  And it doesn't
    seem like the guy in .0 falls into a gray area, since he assaulted her
    physically, there was a witness, and she registered a complaint.  Why
    just a reprimand?
    
    Nobody should be put into the position of deciding how best to "walk
    into" a potentially dangerous situation, particularly if it affects
    your career options!
    
    Conjectures, anyone??  (The basenoter may not want to answer if the
    answer makes the guy too identifiable.)
    Pam

    re .18

    Clearly none of us know the whole story, so any answers you get will be
    conjecture - and I won't even try that, beyond pointing out that "can
    be fired" and "must be fired" are by no means the same thing.

    Also - I didn't see the basenoter *anyplace* specify that a physical
    assault took place, with or without a witness. I assume you're
    referring to reply 6, in which she said a janitor's appearance
    interrupted what she feared might be an assault. My impression from the
    base note was that the complaint stemmed from job-related retribution
    for spurned advances - sleazy, to say the least, but not specifically
    "physical". Perhaps the basenoter can clarify, so that at least the
    conjecture that will follow will be based on a clearer understanding of
    what did and didn't take place.

    Insert usual disclaimer here: a request for facts is in no way to be
    viewed as offering the slightest excuse for the harrassment, or for the
    response to the complaint, or for anything else. This is simply a
    request to focus carefully when reading between the lines.

    I think that the noter who replied that she has never had a problem
    with a male co-worker harrassing her HAS been lucky.  I've had it
    happen to me -- my daughter had it happen to her at the age of 17 and a
    number of my friends have had it happen here at Digital.  Face it,
    there are men who don't understand the word NO.  And quite
    frankly, I've seen very few instances where the system has handled 
    instances of harrassment properly.
    
    A friend of mine was in a similar situation to the basenoter.  Had to
    work with a guy who had one formal complaint against him and numerous
    other women who hadn't filed formal complaints had grounds for them.
    She said that the first time he came on to her she couldn't believe
    it was happening.  It was clear that he didn't get the message the
    first time (he also received a reprimand) and probably never would.
    She didn't feel like putting herself at risk to nail the guy so she
    made sure that she didn't meet with me alone unless it was in an area
    where there were people in the immediate vicinity.
    
    If I were the basenoter, I'd do the same.  And under no circumstances
    would I agree to work after hours, travel to meetings or in anyway
    put myself in the position of being alone with the man.  And if that
    was questioned, I'd explain my reasons to my manager.
    
    

    Paul,
    
    Since she mentioned that she escaped with *only* mussed hair, and
    a missing button, it is clear that some physical contact was made.
    This may constitute "battery" without the "assault", but that's
    a legal distinction only.
    
    							Ann B.

Ann,
                        -< Did I read the right note? >-

No, you didn't.  It was Pat White who commented that she had an experience
where she escaped with "mussed hair, a missing button and bad dreams."
The only comment the basenoter made about the situation was that if it
weren't for the interrupting janitor, the friend *probably* would have been
"the victim of more than an unwanted embrace and kiss."  It's not clear to
me whether that means that she *got* an unwanted embrace and kiss, and the
janitor kept it from going further, or whether the "more than an embrace
and kiss" was a colloquial way of saying "physical assault" and that nothing
of the sort actually happened (thanks to the janitor.)

D!

    re: .16:
    
    Believe it or not, it was a WOMAN (not in personnel) who implied that
    *I* was the one who initated this attention.  A footnote to this
    story; the man in question has subsequently found himself someone who
    shares his desires, AND no-one has put a real stop to the situation!
    I just watch them and laugh, laugh, laugh! (especially at the woman
    who originally pointed the finger at me!)

    um, it was the same woman that both criticised you and is now in bed
    with him??

    
    This is being posted for a member of the community who wishes to remain
    anonymous....
    
    -Jody
----------------------
    
    I was involved in a similar situation. Someone was about to join the
    project I was working on. I "accidently" found out that a coworker was
    involved in a court situation with this person. This person allegedly
    assaulted my coworker, causing physical injury.

    I found out about this when, after having not seen this coworker for a
    while, we were catching up on what each other was doing. I mentioned
    that someone was joining my project and my coworker asked who it was.
    When told who the new person was, the coworker told me that they were
    in court because of an assault, that I should be very careful around
    this person, that I was not to tell anyone that I knew about the
    assault charges. The coworker told me to be careful because this person
    appeared to be unstable. The coworker also went to management and
    personnel to voice concerns and to let them know that I was told about
    the situation because there was concern for my safety. 

    My manager met with personnel, then met with me. They explained that I
    could not say anything to anyone about the people involved (because of
    legal reasons - particularly the possiblity of slander lawsuits). And
    that nothing had been proven in court. Until there was proof in court,
    DEC couldn't do anything. (Apparently, the incident was not witnessed.)
    I made sure that they understood that I found out about the incident
    innocently, that we were not sitting gossiping about people. And that
    it was something that I wished I didn't know.

    Basically, I was told to keep my mouth shut and my eyes open and to
    immediately report any situations in which I felt uncomfortable. At
    first, it was difficult to manage working with this person after having
    been told of this incident. I didn't want to judge someone based on
    someone else's experiences, but I didn't want to endanger myself. I
    hated knowing this information.

    I acted like I do whenever I have a coworker that I don't want to
    encourage (for whatever reason). I was direct and to the point with
    this person. I did not discuss anything other than work with this
    person. This person frequently acted inappropriately, but not
    harrassing (in my opinion). When this happened, I made it clear that I
    thought this person was acting inappropriately. Things never got out of
    hand. I was always very careful and never real comfortable around this
    person, but I wasn't fearful because of the rules I played by.

    I did not tell this person what I knew. We worked together for 6+
    months without incident. The project is over and we no longer work
    together. During that time I made sure I was never alone with this
    person. I made sure that my manager and personnel understood how I felt
    about working with this person given what I had been told. I knew I had
    to work with this person. I managed it by not being alone with this
    person, being business-like, and very aloof. I was cold, but not nasty.
    I trusted my instincts to not get involved in the situation.

    Be careful and protect yourself, but try not to be judgemental. It will
    only look bad for you. For whatever reason, DEC made a decision to
    allow him to continue to work here. If you refuse to work with him,
    you'll look bad. I'd let personnel and your manager know that you know
    about the incident and that it makes you uncomfortable. I would talk to
    EAP to get some help to work out the way you feel about the situation
    and how you can make it work. They can give you strategies for working
    together, like meeting in open places. Involving personnel will lay the
    groundwork if there is any trouble. If I were you, I'd be willing to
    work with this man, under the conditions that it is not required that I
    ever be alone with him. My impression from my management and personnel
    is that if you refuse to work with him, you may find yourself in
    trouble for being uncooperative.

    I don't envy you at all. I know that it is very difficult to deal with.
    It drove me crazy at first. Lay the ground rules out. Do what you can
    to discourage any familiarity. Be sure to let people know if you feel
    threatened. 
    

    Re .25:
    
    > They [personnel] explained that I could not say anything to anyone
    > about the people involved (because of legal reasons - particularly the
    > possiblity of slander lawsuits).
    
    I'd like to point out that Digital isn't in charge of the whole world
    -- court records are public, and if somebody got a copy of public
    records, made photocopies, and sent those copies by United States mail
    (perhaps anonymously) to people who might be interested in them,
    Digital would not have jurisdiction.
    
    Another idea that might come in useful in some situations:
    Voice-activated tape recorders can be obtained for $45 or less.
    Letting a person know you will be carrying the recorder at all times
    may cause the person to control their behavior.  (Note that the
    legality of recording without a person's knowledge varies from state to
    state.)                                          
    
    
    				-- edp 

    You are in a tough situation but it is wise that you are concerned over
    working with such an individual.
    
    Many years ago I worked in another industry and had a similar problem. 
    Three women (myself included) were frequently propositioned by a man
    who refused to take no for an answer.  When he would say inappropriate
    things to me, I would very loudly respond  "THAT'S UNPROFESSIONAL.  DO
    NOT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO ME.  IF YOU CONTINUE, I WILL REPORT YOU."
    
    Unfortunately the buffoon continued with all three women.  The three
    of us got together one day, made notes of our experiences and went
    directly to personnel.  Of course, personnel made light of it....this
    was in the early l970's when this was not taken very seriously.
    
    Then we went to the VP of the company whom we trusted and gave him the
    facts.  He listened and brought the buffoon into the room so his side
    could be heard.  Needless to say, later that afternoon the buffoon
    packed his office and was not to be heard from again.
    
    My advice to you:
    
    1.  Be cautious and prepared.  It's better to be aware than caught in a
    compromising situation.
    
    2.  Don't be afraid to say that his behavior is inappropriate to his
    face if something happens.....SAY IT LOUDLY!!!!  Maybe others will hear
    and back you up.
    
    3.  Never be alone with him.
    
    4.  Express your concerns to your manager.  It doesn't have to be
    accusing but merely this is what I've heard and I am concerned.  That
    way your manager has been told and is aware also.
    
    5.  Since he's been caught before, he may not be willing to pull
    anything again and jeopardize his job so you're probably safe.....but
    keep your guard up anyway.
    
    6.  Keep it professional, cool, and distant.  Don't jeopardize your
    reputation because of some jerk who can't act civilized.
    
    Good Luck.....
    
    Nancy

   I'm a guy, and as such, its far less likely that I should have to fear
   being the recipient of such treatment.
   
   But I get the heebie-jeebies just thinking that there are men like that
   around me.  I mean, they won't bother *ME*, but just the thought that
   they would do such a thing to ANYONE makes me think of brushing myself
   off after being near such a person.  It makes me want to look nervously
   over my shoulder, wondering about those around me.
   
   And yet, theres at least a possiblility that I have, do or will work
   with someone like that, and might never know it.
   
   Its sort've like the feeling I had after my car was stolen and returned. 
   It was filthy inside, but the dirt wasn't what bothered me.  It was
   being *IN* a car where "those people" had been.  Sitting in the seat
   where they were.
   
   I admire anyone that can handle staying in such a situation.  I don't
   think I could.
   
   Jim
   

    
    Reply from the basenote writer
    Bonnie J =wn= comod
    
    *****************************************************************
    
    I'm sorry to take so long to clarify this, but I didn't have a
    chance to read notes earlier.

    I don't know exactly what degree of assault took place between my
    friend and her supervisor.  I know he attempted to kiss her, and
    that by the time the janitor actually entered the room, the
    supervisor was on the other side of the table.  The janitor was
    able to confirm that my friend was very upset but she didn't see
    anything that actually happened, so it was my friend's word
    against his.  And personnel felt that my freind had contributed to
    the incident by being attractive and friendly.

    My friend told me about it when I was considering taking a job
    that would have reported to him.  She didn't want me putting
    myself in a dangerous position by accident.  She told me only the
    minimum to get me to take it seriously, not enough to really
    violate confidentiality. 

    I appreciate all the good advice I'm getting, both here and off
    line.  In a crazy way it helps to know that this isn't an isolated
    incident.  I don't feel so much like I'm dealing with someone
    who's unbalanced.  He's part of a social problem!

    The problem with making sure we're not alone together is that this
    is a friendly group where we normally work in small teams and
    socialize outside of work, often at odd hours.  It will be pretty
    hard to work differently with this man without others suspecting
    what's wrong. 

    My husband's the DECCIE but I'd like to give some encouragement -
    though not necessarily advice - as those given by several women here 
    have been very good.  I'm an Equal Opportunity Specialist with a US govt 
    agency and part of my job is investigating complaints of sexual 
    harrassment.
    
    The advice on keeping a journal is excellent because if anything
    happens to you, you'll need it.  Speaking or giving a written memo to
    your manager is also necessary, since that establishes the fact that
    you've notified Management of your concern.  Once that happens, DEC is
    liable for whatever is eventually proven to have been done by one of
    their employees.
    
    It's sad but true that being a woman in the workforce today is
    particularly taxing, because we have to balance our need to build our
    careers with self-preservation.  Because of this, many many women are
    afraid to make waves; so like rape, the number of cases reported are
    only a tiny fraction of the actual incidences of harrassment.
    
    For starters, being a federal contractor (receiving federal $ to supply
    goods and services), DEC is subject to federal regulations re sex
    discrimination, along with many employment-related requirements.  I
    don't have the regs with me, but the sex discrimination citation is
    41CFR60-20.  I think the sexual harrassment guidelines are prescribed
    therein.  Let me know if you want specifics.
    
    Sexual harrassment is extremely pervasive; however, there's more talk
    of it now, so hopefully, some good will come of it.  I remember how on
    my first job out of college the president of the company used to find
    an excuse to touch me every so often.  I didn't know what to do about
    it, but felt unhappy and uneasy.  Of course at the time (1978) I didn't 
    even know it was called "sexual harrassment."  Looking back, having to
    deal with that type of thing really affected my job and career, because
    I was always afraid to say anything for fear of offending him.  Even
    things short of assault can affect a woman's employment in nasty ways. 
    It isn't fair and must be stopped.
    
    I find that over the years, I've acquired certain more mature ways to
    handle these tedious annoyances.  I can hold my own now, but haven't 
    seen a decrease in this type of thing in the workplace.  Luckily, there
    are mechanisms in place now for women to file complaints against men
    who make repeated unwanted physical or verbal advances.  They can also
    file a complaint of retaliation if they suffer a backlash because of
    the original complaint.
    
    Courage!
    
    -Stella                                 

    Hi, I work in Personnel and .31 is right.  If you tell your manager and
    Personnel - DEC is responsible for what that person does.  If you tell
    them your fears and keep a journal and report anything that happens
    to you to your manager/Personnel they have to act on it.
    
    I would work with this person but let all the right people know what
    you found out and that you are going to be cautious and keep a journal
    and if he does anything harrassing report him immediately.
    
    re: 28
    
    Just to let you know....sexual harassment does not just happen
    to women.  There have been men who have reported sexual harassment
    by women supervisor/managers and also by other men who have harassed
    them.  Since it's usually a woman who gets harrassed we assume it's
    only a "woman" problem but it's not.  - Women harrass too believe
    it or not!  harassment is everyone's problem and there should be
    alot of awareness about this so we can put this to an end.
    
    

    
    
    
    I hope that this note is not too overdue, but I've been looking for
    some reference materials that might clarify my reply.
    
    To the base noter, my call is that you should try to work with this man
    and not say anything to him that you have knowledge of a prior
    harassment charge brought against him.  Why put him on the defensive
    if, perhaps, he has reformed his behavior.
    
    If he says or does anything that you feel is harassment, please take
    into consideration that actions that Mary Rowe recommends, exerpts from
    her article appear below.  If you want a complete copy of her article,
    have one of the moderators notify me and I will send a hard copy to
    that mod to be forwarded to you.  Or contact me directly if you feel
    comfortable with that.
    
    Regards,
    
    Laura
    
    *************************************************************
    
Mary P. Rowe who specializes in conflict resolution has written an article 
re: dealing with harassment.  To quote from her article (I have not 
included the entire article):

Complainants must be willing to take action themselves in a rational and 
responsible way.  To many people this may seem unjust since it appears to 
put a double burden on the offended person.  This concern makes sense.  But 
I recommend such action because it works and because nothing else really 
works as well.

Moreover, it helps offended persons to focus their anger outside themselves 
instead of becoming sick or depressed, which often happens otherwise.  
Finally, such measures may be the only way to obtain evidence for 
management (or the courts) to act on.

Writing a letter:  One method that works quite consistently, even when many 
verbal requests have failed, is for the offended person to write a letter 
to the accused.  I usually recommend a polite, low-key letter (which may 
necessitate many drafts).

The letter I recommend has three parts.  The first part should be a 
detailed statement of the facts as the writer sees them: "This is what I 
think happened..."  I encourage a precise rendition of all facts and dates 
relevant to the alleged harassment.  This section is sometimes very long.

In the second part of the letter, writers should describe their feelings 
and what damage they think has been done.  This is where opinions belong.  
"Your action made me feel terrible"; "I am deeply embarrassed and worried 
that my parents will hear about this"; "You have caused me to ask for a 
transfer (change my career objectives; drop out of the training course; 
take excessive time off; or whatever)."  The writer should mention any 
perceived or actual costs and damages, along with feelings of dismay, 
distrust, revulsion, misery and so on.

Finally, I recommend a short statement of what the accuser would like to 
have happen next.  Since most persons only want the harassment to end, the 
letter might finish by saying so: "I ask that our relationship from now on 
be on a purely professional basis."  

Someone who know that he or she contributed to the problem does well to say 
so: "Although we once were happy dating, it is important to me that we now 
reestablish a formal and professional relationship, and I ask you to do 
so."

If the letter writer believes some remedy or recompense is in order, this 
is the place to say so: "Please withdraw my last evaluation until we can 
work out a fair one"; "I will need a written answer as to the reference you 
will provide from now on"; and statements of that type.

What happens next:  The complainant should, if possible, deliver the letter 
in person to know that it arrived and when it arrived.  When necessary, a 
plainclothes police officer, security person, or some other protector 
and/or witness should accompany the writer or be present when the letter is 
delivered.  The writer of the letter should keep a copy.

Usually the recipient simply accepts the letter, says nothing, and reforms 
his or her behavior.  Sometimes there is an apology, an astounded opening 
of discussion, or a denial.  Rarely will the recipient reply in writing to 
"set the record straight."  Nearly always, the alleged harassment stops.

Obviously, it is now more dangerous for the recipient of such a letter to 
harass the employee.  The letter constitutes an attempt to settle the 
problem peaceably.

A good letter is useful if the complainant later feels the need to appeal 
to high-level management, especially if the writer can prove it was 
delivered.  It can also, if necessary, constitute invaluable legal 
evidence.  Such letters are usually enough to stop a mildly disturbed 
aggressor-for example, someone who importunes with sexual innuendo and 
suggestions for sexual activity.

Even if a written order or request to stop harassment does not succeed, in 
my experience the complainant is always better off for having tried to stop 
the offense in a direct and unambiguous way.

Finally, and possibly most important, taking action in this or similar ways 
often has a powerful effect on all participants.  Taut nerves relax as 
victims learn they can protect themselves.  Insomniacs get needed sleep.  
Productivity improves.

Both persons are likely to feel better about themselves.  Aggressors 
sometimes turn for help, through which their self-esteem may rise.  They 
may also stop harassing people, thus sparing those who could have become 
victims; this often matters greatly to the person who takes action.

For all these reasons I strongly encourage persons who feel harassed to 
take action themselves if possible.

Exerpts reprinted without permission from Harvard Business Review: When the 
Executive is a Woman - Reprints of selected articles.