Conference turris::womannotes-v2

Well, I bet lots of people have variants on the can't-find-a-dress-all-the
-bridesmaids-will-agree-to-wear story. 

And I know someone who's best woman was very pregnant, and had to make her own
dress.

The only other alternative that comes to mind is, let her wear it long.
	Mez

    I think that the bride's wishes should be the final say.  But....
    
    It really wouldn't look that strange if she were to wear a long
    dress when eveyone else is wearing short (I've seen this at a 
    wedding just recently, looked fine to me).  Or if the mother
    doesn't want to cut the dress, maybe they could shorten it by
    making a 'ballon' type dress out of it.  Or tell the mother to 
    take pictures of her in the long dress before she cuts it.
    
    Anna
    

    My personal vote would be to let the little girl wear her
    dress long. However, if it really matters to the bride that
    all the attendants have the same length dresses the dress
    can be basted up to a shorter length without pressing the hem.
    This will allow it to be let down later without a line from
    shortening it.
    
    Bonnie

    Not to get off the subject, but i've always wondered how people in
    weddings could be so inconsiderate of the brides feelings??  I don't
    get it.  Naturally everybody wants the flowergirl to look nice, but the
    bride did ask for short dresses, didn't she?  This is "her day".  I've
    have seen this type of behavior in so many weddings, and i'm fed up
    with it!
    
    FLAME!!!!!!!!!
    
    I say, "it's the brides day, do as she asks without question.  If you
    can't do that, than politely refuse the invitation to be in the
    wedding!"
    
    just my opinion,
    Shirley

    Shirley, that's true if all the requirements are known up front. 
    However, I've known bridemaids who agreed to be in a wedding, and then
    when the bride got carried away, ended up with a $350 dress they'd
    never have another chance to wear...  
    
    Marge

    I agree that can happen, but i also think that if you were close
    enough to a woman to be asked to be a bridesmaid, you might have a
    pretty good idea of how expensive her tastes were.  
    
    I'm sticking by my guns on this one, especially in answer to .0's
    question.  I would definately call this woman and let her know that I
    appreciate the fact that she likes this dress to much to cut it, but
    it's my wedding and you can 1)by another dress or 2)cut the dress you
    already bought.
    
    I think this woman is being extremely self-centered by even having the
    nerve to put the bride-to-be in this type of situation.
    
    
    Shirley
    

RE: .4 (Shirley Smith)

>    I say,  "it's  the brides day, 

    I believe  that  most  states  require  a  groom, although in some
    cultures he may be superflous.

--David

    Please.....give her a break!  I just got married in June, and I
    can personally attest that being a bride is not an easy thing
    (especially if you are having a big wedding.)  I say, do what the
    bride asks if you've agreed to be a part of the wedding.  And, don't
    ask her to explain her motives over and over and over.....
    
    Fortunately for me, most of my "people conflicts" were battled early
    in our engagement.  It seems that many relatives/friends think they
    know what is best for us, instead of letting us choose on our own.
    
    IMO, it was rude and inconsiderate to even question the length of
    the hem, since it had already been discussed.
    
    I guess I'm rather opinionated, but I know what she's going through.
    
    
    -linette
    

    
    
    Re .7
    
    
     she: honey, are you all set to come over tonight and help me make the
          floral arrangements?
    
      he: groooaaaannnn
    
                                    OR
    
     she: honey, are you all set to come over tonight and help me make the
          floral arrangements?
    
      he: Oh sure sweetie!!  I can hardly wait to get my hands on those
          babys breath!  I'm feeling extremely creative today.  8*)
    
    
     question: Assuming that both can occur, which scenario is most likely?
    
    
    you got me .7, however, in my own experience, I've yet to run into a
    groom that was overly eager to spend months working on wedding
    arrangements, never mind trying to decide what the hem length should be
    on the dresses.
    
    
    Shirley

    In a three year time span, I was a bridesmaid four times.  I was
    asked to be in a fifth wedding, and managed to gracefully decline
    the invitation(what a story that is!).  I have worn colors that
    did not look good on me, dresses I was not comfortable in, shoes
    that were not flattering, and two dresses that were rather expensive,
    but very poorly made.  I did this all without complaint in defference
    to the bride's wishes.  Three of the brides were very dear friends,
    the fourth became my sister-in-law.
    
    There are several points to be made from these experiences:  never
    once was the groom concerned with anything other than not being
    bothered with the arrangements;  each bride was disappointed to
    learn _after_ the wedding that the maids had problems or were not
    happy with her choices.  
    
    My comment to the basenoter, thus, would be:  let the flower girl
    wear a long dress if that is what looks good on her.  If she is
    comfortable and happy, she may be more cooperative the day of the
    wedding(you know how kids can be). 
    
    I attended a garden-type wedding this past weekend.  The bridesmaids
    dresses were atrociously made.  The flower girl had a very different,
    store-bought dress in the color scheme of the day.  She was adorable
    and comfortable.  The girl's mother was happy, the bride was happy,
    all was well with the world.  Wouldn't you rather have everyone
    happy and able to enjoy the day?

    FWIW, this past December my youngest sister-in-law had a stupendously
    gorgeous wedding.
    
    Karlan, my s-i-l, was entirely neutral to the concept of having a
    humungous wedding.  Cam, my now b-i-l, had always dreamed of a
    fairy-tale glorious church wedding.
    
    She chose her dress.  He chose _everything_ else and made all the
    arrangements.  [ooops, I mispoke...she arranged a bridesmaids breakfast
    for the morning of the wedding...very low-key]
    
    no Cam didn't do the florals [as it turned out Karlan's aunt & I
    did...she offered], but he picked them all out and went to the florist
    to inspect each and every blossom for colour and conformity before
    paying for the flowers.
    
    yes, he's a bit of a rarity, but he does exist
    
       Ann

	I guess, as a man, I see this issue differently. The biggest
	problem I had with the root note was figuring out who was 
	being more childish, the bride or the flower girls mother.
	I finally picked the flower girls mother because she was the
	one going back on her agreement. I still think that someone
	who gets all bent out of shape over the length of the flower
	girls dress is being a bit silly. Having been through a wedding
	or two I understand how brides get stressed out so I can
	accept a little "irrationality" on her part though.

	I've been to a lot of weddings where the slower girl dressed
	in a different length than the bridesmaids. Usually she's had
	a short and they a long but either way one expects that the
	flower girl may be dressed a little differently. Is this really
	a big enough deal to argue over and possibly lose a friend over?

	RE: .4 The single most offensive thing my mother in law ever
	said to me was that it was the brides day. When my son gets
	married, if anyone says that about his wedding in my hearing
	I will absolutely refuse to participate and will not attend the
	reception. It is with out a doubt one of the worst pieces of
	sexism inflected upon men in our society.

	True few men are all that interested in the wedding or the
	reception. I myself was very interested in the wedding ceremony
	itself (that's religious and important). What people wore or
	what the details of the reception were was/is not that important.
	I was marrying the most wonderful beautiful woman in the world that
	day. Everything else was trivia in comparison. I suspect that
	most men feel the same way. I am convinced that more weddings have 
	been "ruined" by brides who cared more about the details than they 
	did about the really important thing of getting married then any
	other single thing.

~Cliff

    
    I let my sister-in law pick her daughter's dress, as 
    she was our flower girl. I asked her to pick something
    the little girl liked, felt comfortable in, and matched
    our color scheme. She was so delighted to wear a "special 
    dress" and I think it helped her through possible shyness
     and/or being afraid of going down the aisle. 
    
    It's really aggravating when you have asked for something
    specific however! I would not ask this of the bride - but 
    having dealt with many many minor annoyances (which all 
    added up much more than one big one) I would let it go 
    and forget it. You'll make your self crazy! 
         
    Whoa .12 - I can understand your feelings about "it's a 
    brides day". It is a really old-fashioned phase that  
    people tend to use without thinking, but probably not 
    meant to cause hurt to anyone. My own mother and 
    mother in law said it about our wedding, and my husband never picked
    up on it, and I let it slide.  Like you said about the 
    dress, better to let these little annoyances drop by
    the wayside.
    
     
    

    My fiance has helped me in every single planning stage of our up-coming
    wedding.  Everything from the wedding invitations, to the bridesmaids
    dresses to the flowers, he's been fully involved and we've been
    having a wonderful time!   Like most all brides and grooms, we've
    had our share of conflicts and problems, but having him right there
    to help carry the burdens and help make decisions has been wonderful.
    
    As far as the problem that .0 has come up with, given it was _my_
    problem, I'd let the girl wear it long.   My flower girl is wearing
    a floor-length dress yet the 6 bridesmaids are wearing "t" length.
    I always thought that the flower girl and the ringbearer were suppose
    to compliment the bride and groom, thus, the flower girl is wearing
    a long dress like me, and the ring bearer is wearing white tails
    like Dan, I think it'll look lovely!   Granted, it's the Bride and
    Groom's wedding and everybody "should" do as they ask and wish,
    but believe me, through my recent experiences, it just doesn't go
    that easily.  
    
    Let me just say, that your friend is going to most likely have bigger
    and more difficult problems to deal with and getting stressed out
    over this will be hardly worth the energy.  She'll need to save
    all the energy she's got!  IF she doesn't have any problems, than she'll
    be one very lucky bride!    Wish her luck and tell her to try and
    ENJOY this time !!    I'm having a ball!
    
    Judy
      

    I am also getting married in September. I was going to have every body
    in a "t" lenght dress but the "t" lenght was full lenght for one of the
    bridesmaids. We tried the full lenght in the same style for the other
    "maids" and they looked good in them and the price wasnt any different 
    than that of the "t" lenght(We are renting them).The full lenght wont
    look good on Cheryl because of the ruffle. The store will adjust the
    lenght but the ruffle makes her look like a "munchkin"(her word not
    mine). I would rather she look nice as an individual person that try to 
    make the dresses look exactly alike.So she is wearing the "t" lenght
    and every one else will wear the full lenght.
    
    
    If the type of dress was a very important issue to me(Its not for me
    personally but I'm not considered the authority) Then I think that I
    would try the compromise of hemming the dress without ironing the hem.
    that I'm sure someone suggested already I just cant remember who it
    was. I do believe the Bride and Grooms wishes should be formost on all
    participants minds.
    
    There are aspects of the wedding that are important to my future Groom
    to-be. Some of them are things I never would have suspected if I hadnt
    asked him about it. Traditional wedding dress was one of them. He didnt
    have any thing specific in mind but he did not want me to were Red(His
    favorite color) I was teasing him when I suggested it.
    janet

    
    out of curiosity, what does '"t" length' mean?
             
    
    
    /. Ian .\

    My seamstress told me....Tea Length dresses use to be worn at afternoon
    social gatherings where tea is served ("Afternoon Tea").  The length is
    somewhere between mid calf and the ankles.  They are more formal then
    street length dresses, yet a little less formal than full length gowns.
    
    
    Suzanne

    
    ah yes ... now if the earlier notes had said "Tea length" rather
    than '"t" length' I'd have known what they meant.
    
    Thanx
    
    /. Ian .\

    I've talked to me friend several times since I entered the base
    note and come to find out, the flower girl's dress is tiered.
    Therefore, all they have to do is turn the bottom tier under and
    pin it if the parents don't want to have it hemmed.  The last she
    heard from her future sister-in-law was that they would "try" to
    have it hemmed.  I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that they do.
    
    I know, alot of people think this is "silly" for her to be upset
    about it, but a wedding is something alot of people dream about
    most of their lives.  They want it to be as near perfect as it can
    possibly be.  Perfect to her is to have anyone but herself in a
    short dress.  Perfect to me was to have everyone but the flower
    girl in a long dress.  Perfect to you may be something entirely
    different.  She doesn't want to get started on the wrong foot with
    her sister-in-law to be, but she wants her wedding to fit her standard
    of "perfect".  I went through alot of "changes" when planning my
    wedding and although it was pretty and nice, I now finding myself
    wishing I had stuck to what I originally said I wanted (don't get
    me wrong, it WAS the happiest day of my life).  I don't
    want my friend wishing after her wedding is over that it had been
    differently.
                                                 

Oh no, not silly. She should just take care of herself. If taking care of
herself means insisting, fine. But sometimes it just means letting go. And I
remember perspective on situations being very hard to come by when I was
there....
	Mez

        Someone once suggested that it is sily to want your wedding to
        be "the best day of my life", because that de facto means that
        the marriage is down hill from there.
        
        Now our wedding wasn't the *worst* day in our marriage, but it
        has been surpassed many a time.
        
        JimB.

    I am getting married next week and would like to offer my perspective
    on these issues in this notesfile.  I do not have any expectations
    that my wedding will be perfect.  Nor do I want it to be.  Because
    I realized a while back that if I get concerned with perfection,
    then I'm not going to have a good time at my own wedding.
    I have done my best in arranging the wedding/reception according
    to my fiance's and my tastes.  We have hired a DJ, musicians for
    the ceremony, a judge to marry us, florist, etc. etc.  In most cases,
    we let these people offer their suggestions rather than going in
    with our demands because we figure they are the experts and know
    better.  The only information I gave to the florist was that my
    tastes are contemporary and that I like bright colors.
    
    As for the dresses, I foresaw potential problems so I took care
    of this in the beginning.  My sister is my Maid of Honor.  She is
    6' 2" tall.  My three closest girlfriends are between 5' and 5'2".
    Both of these groups have special needs as far as clothing is
    concerned.  My solution to this is that I am only havine one attendant,
    my sister.  We went shopping and she was able to pick out the dress
    that she wanted and one that flatters her height.  So that my
    girlfriends wouldn't feel left out, I asked each of them to help
    me with a particular aspect of the wedding.  One friend did the
    calligraphy on the invitations, etc. etc.  Everybody seems happy.
    
    Well, this is getting long winded for what I really want to say.
    That is that if you are looking for perfection, you are going to
    be disappointed because nobody and nothing is perfect.  Relax and
    have a good time at your wedding and your guests will too.
    
    Nancy
    

    Re .0:  What finally happened?  Was the flowergirl's dress long or
    short?
    
    Thinking back on my wedding (for 250), I wished we'd eloped! 
    But...then we wouldn't have all these beautiful pictures, would we?  
    
    For the indignant grooms out there who feel left out of the "bride's
    day," let me ask if you see any "Groom Magazines" on the newstands?
    Then see all the bridal magazines!  We as women are forced to think of
    the littlest details because we've always been brainwashed to think the
    wedding day as THE most important day of our lives.  NOTHING even comes
    close to it, so LAY OFF!  If you can't empathize, then try not to
    antagonize the poor bride who's being pulled in a hundred different
    directions.
    
    Well, for my wedding, my husband's sister wanted her barely 3-yr-old to
    be a ringbearer, so we wound up with 2 of them and 2 flowergirls. 
    Luckily the girls were angels, and I made their dresses to match the
    maid-of-honor's dress.  Even tho they came out slightly bigger than
    perfect, the girls were wonderful.  Can't say the same for my husband's
    nephew!  He screamed with fear as his mother was forced to drag him
    down the aisle!  My advice is: if you can't elope, try not to use
    children in the wedding!  And even tho I picked the most beautiful 
    dresses for my bridesmaids, they complained that the style made them
    look FLAT!
    
    It's true, you really can't please everyone.  
    
    -Stella