Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    I will give you my opinion on the situation, but take it as that.
    
    I think you are treading on some very dangerous grounds.  First,
    this guy is apparently married and is having problems,  and  many
    times when someone is going through hard times they need someone to 
    listen to, this is were you come in.  He may or may not be attracted
    to you as well, but he is letting you in on his problems that he
    should be working out himself, be it with his wife or a councelor,
    not a woman in the office.   Second thing, you do work with this
    man, he has told you that he is having marital problems, so he
    probley has told others as well.  People in office enviroments love
    to gossip, they see you with this man whose apparently unhappy with
    his marriage and they will automatically say their having an affair.
    And, believe it or not, you may not  come right out and say you are
    attracted to him, but your actions will.  Now, lets say you decide
    to get involved with this guy, what happens when things go sour.
    I can tell you from past romances of people who worked in the group that I
    work, that it was pure hell.   Not just for the two people
    involved but for every one else who associated with these people.
    It even came to the point when one girl nearly had a nervous breakdown 
    because she was so heartbroken over the guy she had an affair with.
    She couldn't find another job, so she had to continue seeing this
    person who wanted nothing to do with her.  He was the more valuable person
    in the group, so he wasn't going to leave.
    
    I would think twice about getting into that kind of situation.
                                   
    
                                       
    

  

I would like to suggest to you that it is OK to have warm fuzzies floating
around you.  I would like to suggest to you that what you are feeling is
normal.  I would like to suggest to you that you need not act on what you
are feeling but can continue to enjoy your feelings.  This is what happens
in the everyday world to a lot of people.   Some people act on their 
feelings.  Some people just sit back and enjoy their feelings within themselves
and hurt no one with this method.  Eventually, they do decrease and settle
into a dull roar.  As long as you are willing to just listen and not participate
in his divorce, why not give him the benefit of a listening ear?  What about
starting a mail exchange, having him write out his problems?  This might
take some of the intensity of the situation off of you plus provide him with
the needed outlet of someone there who will listen to his pain.  Being a 
friend is more important at this point for him than being a new "interest".
Friends have warm fuzzy feelings for each other.....it's called "caring".

Hope this will be helpfull to you.


justme....jacqui

    Reading the base note, I didn't get the impression that this guy's
    marriage was actually 'breaking up', but rather that he likes to
    discuss problems.  This isn't the same thing, and in fact I think
    we all discuss our problems with co-workers.
    
    I agree with the writer of 790.2, that you CAN have a caring friendship
    with people you work with, without getting into a full-blown affair.
    Sometimes these friendships can be really valuable and you can
    reciprocate the listening process as and when each of you need it.
    In fact, to stand that little apart and NOT get involved results
    in a deeper (and more useful and lasting) relationship than a mere
    fling would ever give you.
    
    I would be very wary of getting emotionally involved as there seems
    no future and a lot of pain in such a route.

     ******************* BE CAREFUL !!!! ********************

I couldn't possibly emphasize the dangers inherent in your type of 
situation.  That combination of your "warm fuzzies" and the other's 
obvious neediness at this time has an incredibly explosive potential.
Each of your respective needs is sufficiently blinding so that you can 
delude yourselves enormously about the nature of your "friendship".
You'll have to examine any such idea very, very carefully and suspiciously.

Another point is that if you do end up in a relationship, this 
relationship will have its roots in the current state of need  
and confusion that invariably goes with your parterner's breakup and
reorientation.  I wouldn't give it a lot of chance for success. 

The third point, not to be minimized, it the absolute horrors of being 
involved with a co-worker.  The most intense relationship of my life 
was with co-worker, and if you really think you can work effectively 
while in a romantic delirium you are being extremely unrealistic.  
Things like that have the potential to ruin careers.  Even if it doesn't 
go that far, I feel that there are some restrictions on what I can choose to 
do in the this company because of my past involvement.  It is always an 
error, and when those pheromones start flowing every rational process in
your brain will short-circuit and you will forget this... 

I do believe it is possible to get "warm fuzzies" from certain 
individuals, and to make a very firm internal commitment that that is 
all it will be -- a little tingle that adds some spice to being around 
that individual.  You've got to be sure, though, that you aren't 
harboring any secret hope that might change.  If you are, then you'll be 
torturing yourself and playing a less-than-altruistic role.  It helps if 
that person is truly unavailable -- of a different sexual orientation, 
or in a completely committed relationship.  When that person is semi-
avaiable, (e.g. in a troubled relationship), it's real hard to draw the 
line.  You've got to be merciless with yourself.

I wish you luck...

    
    
    I have to agree with Catherine on this.  I suggest extreme care 
    on your part that those "warm fuzzies" don't turn into something
    else like mine did.  For what it is worth, this was my experience:

    At one time I worked for a manager at DEC who lit up the room just
    by his bright smile and cheery "Good Morning".  Besides being my 
    manager, he also became my friend.

    Then the day arrived, 14 months later, that he was to relocate to
    another part of the country.  My heart was broken, and although I 
    tried to hide it, I couldn't hide it from everyone.  It was then I 
    realized my true feelings for him - I had fallen in love with him.

    We took my manager out for a farewell drink where I finally broke 
    down in tears.  I simply said I felt like I was losing my best 
    friend.  He left and DEC just wasn't the same.

    When he first left, he couldn't face me.  You know the old cliche':
    "I hate to see a woman cry."  For a long time after that we didn't 
    even exchange hellos.

    Today, he's happily married.  We speak every now and then, but for
    me the "warm fuzzies" never went away.  I'm not sure he knows how I
    *really* felt then, and how much I *still* care, but what would it 
    get me to tell him?  He's happy.  I guess that's what's most important
    to me, although I do wish we could be better friends again.

    Point is, sometimes you really don't understand the meaning of your
    true feelings until it's too late.  Don't get hurt like I did.
         
    Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck.

    The warm fuzzies are great...between two single people.
    I suspect there is not a sole around with enough self control to
    "will themselves" into not getting involved with an unavailable
    person. By pursuing this relationship even through fantasy (you
    said you find yourelf thinking about him alot) you are leading to
    a senario that sounds like: It just happened, I wasn't looking for
    an affair...
    
    Friends are great to have but your attraction might be to tempting
    to him...and that attraction can't be "set hidden". From my experiences
    I sugest you run, not walk, to the nearest available man and get
    involved. Then you will have the possibility of carrying on an
    uninvolved friendship with this co-worker.
    
    Good like and best of judgement to you
    
    Gail

    I have never had to use the "old my wife does not understand me"
    line.  I have not had any urge to cheat on my wife, I am in love
    with my wife and my best friend.
    
    But the oldest line I have ever heard is the marital problems
    dodge.  Maybe they are true but, maybe they are not, do you
    want to be the other woman?  This has that ring to it.  
    
    Lots of men are always out to conquer new women, don't fall for
    it unless you understand the concequences.
    
    good luck,
    
    Dave