| Title: | ARCHIVE-- Topics of Interest to Women, Volume 1 --ARCHIVE |
| Notice: | V1 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open. |
| Moderator: | REGENT::BROOMHEAD |
| Created: | Thu Jan 30 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Fri Jun 30 1995 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 873 |
| Total number of notes: | 22329 |
In the "men and PMS" note, Liz asked what's so special about PMS when
there are many other situations that contribute to communications
difficulties in a relationship, which kind of struck home for me since
my husband and I have been having a certain amount of difficulty in
that area lately.
We had pretty much adjusted to my not working outside the home.
The difficulties you encounter when he's had a rough day at work
and just wants to collapse in front of the fire with a beer, while
you've spent all day dragging the three-year-old out of the cupboards
and rescuing the cat and all you want to do is get out, you don't
care where, just *OUT*, have been pretty well documented and discussed.
It wasn't easy, but we were on known territory.
Now I'm working again, and we find ourselves in terra igcognita.
Magazine articles seem to be aimed at either two-career couples trying
to live in the fast lane or at two-career couples where he's in a
higher prestige job than she is. There's very little that covers
relationships in which both partners are approximately equal in
professional standing and salary (we are in fact working on different
aspects of the same project right now) and are more "family" than
career oriented. (I'm using 'family' in the sense of 'the home
unit', whatever that is -- I don't intend to imply heterosexual
marriage with kids.)
One of the biggest problems is keeping professional disagreements
from carrying over to the home. Another is overtime. A third is
balancing time with the rest of the family and time alone with each
other. And so on.
What do you-all do -- either practical techniques or philosophical
approaches -- to deal with these kinds of problems?
--bonnie
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 691.1 | jobs should never require overtime | CADSYS::SULLIVAN | Karen - 225-4096 | Fri Jan 29 1988 16:41 | 11 |
One thing I do is try and schedule my overtime when Tom is working late or has basketball. We still have problems, though when something comes up at work and the other has gone home and started dinner. There's nothing worse than having a bad day at work and going home anticipating time with your love and your love is working late. Well, we don't have many solutions. Just try and be understanding and don't work late too often. ...Karen | |||||
| 691.2 | Day at a time? | MEMV01::BULLOCK | Flamenco--NOT flamingo!! | Fri Jan 29 1988 18:16 | 25 |
Try to live a day at a time. I know, I know--easy for ME to say!
I've been trying to do it for years.
Ours is a pretty equal relationship--you know, BOTH of us wear one
leg of the pants in the family? But there are conflicts that happen
and one or both of us may work late or go a little overboard on
new projects, etc. etc. I am finding it works out best when we
don't plan how to deal with things; we just DO. Some days it works,
and other days it falls apart.
I have asked many women our mothers' age about how they managed
husband, kids, and job--while managing to be a "real woman" (just
what IS that, anyway?!) at the same time. They all say the SAME
THING--"..it wasn't always easy, but then we weren't doing all that
in the 80's!" So even they're flummoxed by the times.
We just try to make "alone" time with each other each day--even
if we are just collapsed on the sofa together, mindlessly watching
"ALF" on TV.
If we could figure this thing out, we'd be rich!
Best of luck,
Jane
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| 691.3 | days are too much. Half days? | VIA::RANDALL | back in the notes life again | Fri Jan 29 1988 19:14 | 25 |
re: .2 --
Yes, you bring out one of the things that leaves us high and dry -- by
each of us, as you put it, wearing one leg of the family pants, we
eliminate about 90 per cent of the people who otherwise serve as
admirable role models.
My mother-in-law, for example, was a successful career woman 25 years
ago, when that was a much less common thing. But she didn't go back to
work until after Neil (the youngest) was in school, and her career
always came after her husband's career and needs. If it made him
uncomfortable, she couldn't do it. She doesn't think that was unfair.
She says that when she chose to marry, she chose to put herself second.
When I ask her for advice, she tells me you can't have both, that I
have to make hard choices.
But neither Neil nor I is willing to assume that what's good for his
career is good for the family. When we're looking at a career decision
or a job-related problem, we can't make any assumptions. We have to
negotiate each one. And what we decide this time doesn't make it any
easier to decide next time. It's wearing.
--bonnie
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