Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    
    
    Just wanted to add a quick note.  I made it clear months ago that
    I did not want a shower at all, just as I did not have a bridle
    shower.  I object to them on principle and do not attend them
    for others if they are only for one sex.  I figure the only way
    to change "tradition" is to start somewhere, and that's with my
    own circumstances.
    
    

    I've heard of Jack and Jill showers for couples about to be married.
    If I were to receive any shower at all, I would want it to be one
    of those.  As for baby showers, I don't know.  I'm funny about that.
    I don't go to them "before" the baby is born.  I give a gift "after"
    the baby's birth.  My whole family is that way.  So, I will probably
    not run into the situation that you are about to face.
    
    Have you tried discussing this with your mother-in-law?  I know
    it is painful but as my mother always reminds me, "you have to do,
    what you have to do to make it through your day", and if this means
    calling-the-shots, then do it.
    
    Cathy
    
    p.s. ever go to a Tupperware Party that was co-ed?  I hear they
    are a blast!!!!

    I see  no  reason  not  to invite men. Shortly before my brother's
    wedding  someone  (I  think my sister in law's family, but I'm not
    sure)  organized  a  shower.  It  was  a  party  held  at  a local
    restaurant  for friends and family (of both sexes). There was some
    silliness  about photographing them under a paper umbrella (shower
    remember  :-) ugh), but otherwise it was a quite reasonable little
    party.  I certainly enjoyed myself.

    Perhaps because  men  were  invited  to  the  shower  there was no
    bachelor  party,  which is probably just as well, knowing how wild
    some of my brother's friends were.  

--David

 Well, back when I worked in Ottawa SWS, we gave a surprise baby shower for our
district manager, Paul. We took over the big conference room, sneaked all kinds
of neat baby-related stuff into it, and then hauled him in on some pretext. It
was fun... he had a good time, we all played with the baby toys and spent time
anticipating what the baby would look like, etc etc. 

 				Nigel

    Re .0, I don't see why you can't explain your feelings to your
    mother-in-law in the same way as you did here.  Anything to liven
    up those horrible showers would be welcome by me!  If she objects
    to inviting your male friends, maybe you could invite them yourself!
    Sometimes it may take a little force to change mindless traditions
    :-).
    
    Re Tupperware parties, undercover parties, make-up parties, etc.,
    I hate being invited to parties like this where if you don't go
    it looks rude, but if you do go it looks even ruder not to buy
    something!  I definitely think it's about time men got invited to
    these thrilling little occasions.
    
    Lorna
    

    I can see your point, and I felt exactly the same way when my husband
    and I got married.  My solution was to make my feelings very clear
    that I did not want a shower with just women, and that we would
    have only one shower, and that would be both men and women.  It
    was just like the wedding (sit-down dinner, band, party til the
    wee hours) and was a great time.  My husband had never been to one
    like that before, but is always willing to go now.
    
    I would tell your mother-in-law nicely just how you feel.  Tell
    her that it's her son's baby too, and that he would like to be there.
    Tell her that it's a special occasion for the both of you and you
    would like to share it with everyone, not just with the other females.
     I think if you approach it positively you will have an easier time
    getting your ideas across.  
    
    Also, like one of the earlier replies, I don't like baby showers,
    and fortunately my family doesn't believe in them til after the
    baby is born just in case something happens (and we've had a few
    of those in our family), so you might want to suggest that she wait
    until after the baby is born, and just have a big welcome party
    for the new arrival, and invite everyone.  That also makes it easier
    for things like colors and should they get the baby a cute little pink
    dress or a blue suit. 
    
    Cathy

    
    
    
    I guess so far most people are in general agreement with my feelings
    on this.  I too like the idea of waiting for the shower until after
    the baby is born.  (In case something happens).  My sister is holding
    a lot of furniture and gifts at her house because I'm not ready
    to put them into mine, just in case things don't work out.  Perhaps
    I should suggest that the shower be postponed until after the baby
    arrives.  Good idea!
    
    I did speak to my mother and she mentioned that they'd wanted to
    put on a shower too which would have included couples so my two
    sides of the family had best get together, after I've stated clearly
    what I would like.
    
    I did not agree with my mother's suggestion about my name.  She
    suggested I let the invitations go out under the name my in-laws
    think I have, which is my husband's name, instead of my name, 
    which is my maiden name.  I did not agree with this.  I think
    my in-laws should know and acknowledge what my legal name is,
    especially if there was an emergency and they had to contact me
    at Digital.  I know they would ask for me by my husband's name
    and of course they would not be able to locate me.
    
    My mother then suggested my maiden name with a hyphen and my
    husband's last name which is a comprimise but still is not my
    name that I am known by.  Someone else out there must be in
    this same situation.
    
    Yes, it is obvious from the responses that I will have to speak
    up.
    
    Linda
    
    

    
    
    Just a thought - shouldn't the invitations be in the mother and
    father's names.
    
    Most of the baby showers I have gone to in the past 10 years have
    included men as well as women - that is why I go to them now.
    
    _peggy
    

    re: cute little pink dresses and cute little blue suits...
    
    Why not a pair of little grey pinstripe jammies :-)
    
    

>						That also makes it easier
>    for things like colors and should they get the baby a cute little pink
>    dress or a blue suit. 
    
	Yuch.  That's a good reason to have the shower before the baby
	is born.  At least then people wouldn't start giving sexist
	gifts.

	...Karen

    I was present at my wife's bridal shower, and would expect to be
    present at a baby shower. (numerous other MALE members of the family
    were also present at the bridal shower.
    
    
    Steve

    
    
    I'm surprized at the responses I have gottem from this agreeing
    with me.  Evidently, I live in an area that is approximately
    50 years behind the times.  At least I'm not.  People at work
    and in other living areas seem to agree that testimonials and
    co-ed baby gatherings are the way now, while people around home
    look at me as if I'm just trying to start trouble.
    
    They ain't seen nothing yet!
    
    Wait till the baby comes.
    
    Linda
    
    

    Well, speaking for this man.
    
    When I worked in an insurance companyas an actuarial clerk, there
    were about 250 people in the department, ten were men. I went to
    all sorts of parties, as I was, to use the EXACT words given to
    me .. I was regarded as "... one of the girls". So I went to baby
    showers, bridal showers (btw - 'boy friends and husbands were generally
    excluded'), baby showers. (this was between 1955 - 1959)
    
    I think (in hindsight) men were generaly excluded from these showers
    because 'they' didn't want the men to know women actually could
    'talk dirty', 'make obscene jokes and gestures',' have fun like
    that', and so forth. The women tended to get 'quite rowdy' which
    made the few 'stag parties' I went to seem like 'childs play' by
    comparison.
    
    For your case (.0) - the choice is yours. TELL your mother-in-law
    (tacfully if possible) that it is YOUR shower, and you want it done
    your way. Enlist your 'SO's help, and see if he's spineless when
    it comes to supporting your position with his mother.
    
    Other alternatives are: Grin and bear it, and have a good friend
    have a second shower for all the others, tactfully omitting your
    mother-in-law. If necessary, call it a 'Fathers' baby shower';
    or a 'friends of the baby-shower' - at least so it appears different
    from whatever your m-i-l calls her shower thats '..For You..'.
    
    'course, I'm beyond all that stuff now (more/less). We'll see what
    happens IF my daughter-in-law ever gets her way and gets pregnant.
    I expect she'll invite EVERYONE, because that's the way HER mother
    and Mother-in-Law is (careful ... my Daughter-in-Laws Mother-in-Law
    is NOT my wife).
    
    .bob.
    
    
    

       RE: .0
       
       I'm in a similar situation right now - only on the hostess
       end of a baby shower. I'm giving my husband's brother and
       his wife a baby shower on August 15th. I live in New
       Hampshire where almost all showers are coed, but this
       shower is going to be in New Jersey. The couple
       lives in New York. I understand that in NY, showers are
       still for women only. I also have the feeling that my
       sister-in-law prefers the ladies-only type of shower. 
       
       I gave this whole situation a lot of thought and finally
       decided on this.  

       I am most comfortable with coed showers. It just wouldn't
       be ME to sponsor a ladies-only,
       -finger-sandwiches-and-punch type of shower. I decided to
       invite my brother-in-law's family and his friends (who are
       mostly from NJ), and my sister-in-law's immediate family.
       It's going to be a cookout with kids and all. I thought
       that since this is a family event, why not make it a
       family celebration? Besides, my father-in-law and all
       the men in the family REALLY want to go!
       
       I knew that SOMEONE would do the ladies-only shower for my
       sister-in-law, which would include all her aunts and
       female cousins. These people were specifically not invited
       to this shower. (Besides I don't even know who they are!)
       Sure enough, I was right. Her sister is going to give her
       a shower. This way, my S-I-L will have both types of
       showers. 

       After reading .0's note, I briefly thought that maybe I'm
       wrong to give her a coed shower and not the ladies-only
       type of shower. But the thing is, if I didn't do it this
       way, I wouldn't give her one at all. In .0's case, none at
       all sounds like the best answer. In my case, I think I
       made the right decision. 
       
       We'll see.
       
       G.
       
       PS It's a surprise shower for BOTH mommy and daddy!

    
    
    
    My mother-in-law finally did agree to have the co-ed "baby
    party" and then got it in her head that because men would be
    coming, there would have to be booze.  I thought this very
    sexist.  Only men drink?  That's a new one on me!
    
    Get-to-gethers we have had at her house in the past have
    never had alcohol because no-one on either side drinks, and
    the few that do seem to think they can go without for a couple
    of hours.
    
    So... because my mother-in-law did not want drinking going on
    at her house she decided against the co-ed party and said that
    if it wasn't ONLY women, she wasn't putting it on, which was
    fine with me, because I had told everyone I did not want one
    from day 1.  If only they had listened to me.
    
    Now I discover that my mother-in-law was planning to invite
    hoards of woman who have invited her to showers over the past
    forty years and it was time "to get back" what "she'd spent
    on them."  That's where the booze part came in.  So I was
    to not only be subjected to a party I didn't want, but with
    people I DON"T EVEN KNOW and I would probably be the one to
    end up on THERE shower lists for the next thirty years even
    though I wouldn't go to them.
    
    So my mother-in-law called and said it would only be woman
    and I told her to forget it.  My husband talked to his dad
    and explained that this is OUR baby and that we both felt
    WE should both be at the shower and HE would like HIS friends
    there as well.  He also explained that all the neices and
    nephews parties we attend we attend together and they are co-
    ed, so what's the difference.  His father agreed with us!