Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    			[i'm a "2"] 
    Peggy, 
    
    Ouch. that kind of dream can be terrifying. i've had cycles of bad
    dreams, often when i feel that my life is out of control. it can happen
    whether or not i'm alone. my aggressor is not always human. sometimes
    it's a strange and large animal. in the dreams i can never get away or
    i wake up just before something unmentionably horrible and inescapable
    happens. 
    
    when i wake up, i feel terrified. i don't always know where i am. i lie
    in bed and listen for sounds in the house. [i'm always sure i hear a
    few.] my heart pounds wildly. i force myself to keep my eyes open so
    that i don't fall back to sleep and continue the dream. sometimes i
    turn the light on to orient myself and to  keep myself up long enough
    to calm down. i write in my journal, or i just sit up and wrap my
    covers up to my chin and think. 
    
    lately, what's really helped (after my heart calms down) is to think it
    through very rationally. even though the situation seems inescapable on
    the surface, it helps to decide how i could have gotten out of it.
    there's been a way (ever since i've started trying to figure it out),
    and it makes me feel much more powerful to discover it. 
    
    it also helps to take some time the next day to examine what in
    my life is making me feel so crazy. [my md says that dreams have
    different stage settings but tend to tell the same story...]
    
    btw, it's hard to read your note and NOT to draw parallels with
    some of the other issues you've written about lately. are you feeling
    that connection?

    
    liz

    Often, if I do remember a dream, it is because it was particularly
    horrifying (although they don't happen that often).  When I do
    particularly heinous things in my dreams, or have them done to me,
    I always have trouble getting back to sleep.  Things that help include
    turning on the TV to something interesting (cable TV is great for
    this, there's always some special on the Tanzanian Tiger or Buddhist
    Art or NewAge Videos on at the strangest times...), and if my SO
    isn't there (being a student he tends to keep odd hours) I grab
    the nearest stuffed animal.  Thinking the dream over helps a bit,
    but getting back to "the real world", and realizing that what I
    dreamt was NOT real, is the most helpful thing for me.
    
    I also try to tell myself that although I dreamed the dream, there
    is no reason it will come true.  I find that the more horrible dreams
    seem to have no rhyme or reason, and no connection with my current
    life...perhaps it's just my subconscious blowing off steam...and
    if I have bad dreams several nights in a row, I will go into
    self-hypnosis for 15-20 minutes at bedtime and will instruct myself to 
    go into a deep, normal, trouble-free sleep instead of waking from the 
    hypnotic state (but this part isn't for everyone...)

    -Jody
    
    p.s.  "From ghosties and ghoulies and long-leggity-beasties and
    things that go bump in the night may the good Lord preserve us!"
    

    wait, wait, I just remembered this technique that helps if "pictures"
    or "frames" from the dream keep drifting back when you try to go
    back to sleep....
    
    Visualize the scary/offending "picture" very clearly.  Now surround
    it in a balloon, and allow it to float up out of your head towards
    the ceiling.  Do this time and again until all the offensive thoughts
    are gone.  Try to replace them with pleasant things, and once the
    bad thoughts leave your head, know in a firm/positive way that they
    cannot return (balloons only go one way, right, up?)
    
    -Jody

    Two things that I have done when troubled by particularly 'bad
    dreams' are to edit the dream, and in the case of a recurring
    bad dream take charge within the dream and change it.
    
    I have waked up occasionally from some really awful ones and
    been able to get back to sleep by redoing the ending in my
    head visualizing all the scenes in my mind.
    
    and when I was a girl I had a recurring bad dream that I finally
    learned to deflect. Then when I was a young woman and had the
    same dream again I went through the scarey part again and discovered
    that it no longer had any power over me.
    
    Of course this only deals with how I manage to get to sleep again
    in the face of such a dream, not the content or why I have/had them.
    
    Bonnie
    
    

    I don't know a lot about this subject, but from what I've heard,
    dreams are often loaded with symbols. Even if something may seem
    to be a real-life possibility, it may indeed symbolize something
    else. Like - somebody puts their hand over your mouth. Is there
    some reason you feel gagged in real life? Stuff like that.
    
    It might be a good idea to dissect the dream and see if you
    can find anything in it relating to issues you're currently working
    out, or maybe some you aren't, but need to.
    
    Some people advocate programming yourself to talk to the "problem
    person" in the dream and ask them what they want from you. I've
    never done this, nor known anyone who has, so I can't vouch for
    ....well, ANYthing, when it comes right down to it...
    
    Take care,
    
    --DE
    

    Yeah, I've had dreams like that.  I also have another, um, style
    of nightmare.  Sometimes the two merge....
    
    So I've slept with a (sheathed) hunting knife under my pillow.
    Sometimes the act of getting it out has been difficult enough
    for me to wake up and realize It Was Just A Dream.  (I hate cliches.)
    Other times I just bolt out of bed  (It's amazing what feeble
    muscles dream-people have compared to your waking self.) and head
    for the lightswitch.  When it's *really* bad, I skip the light,
    and dash right out the door.  Once I can see the nightlight in the
    bathroom, I know It Was Just A Dream.
    
    I put in the nightlight when a friend who also had nightmares (male.
    abused child.) told me that's what he used.
    
    Once you can think again, take the advice you find best among what
    you read here.
    
    						Ann B.
    

    
    
    This is the first time in years that I have been unable to do any
    of the things so far suggested and not shake the feeling - this
    time it stayed.  I could not move for almost 5 minutes much less
    put the light on or even meditate it away.
    
    I feel that this came out of the blue, though it may be related
    to my daughter.  Sometimes when I have a strong dream or feeling
    that I can not explain it is related to something she is going through.
    
    _peggy
    		(-)
    		 |	I am writing more now because
    				Cakes took the month of
    					December off.
    

    Re: .0
    
    I stay up all the rest of the night, with every light in the house
    on, and do something like houseclean.  The latter makes me feel
    like I'm accomplishing something (the house usually needs it :-)),
    and it beats staying there in the dark, terrified to fall asleep
    again.  In the morning, everything looks better.
    
    I think living alone is not the root of this problem -- women are
    attacked all the time even though someone else is in the house.
    At least if you're by yourself, only one person is harmed.  On that
    cheery thought, I end my reply.
    

    I do not live alone, but a couple of nights ago I dreamt that another
    woman and I were raped and murdered.
    
    It stayed with me all day.
    
                    Carol

    I've never lived alone, aside from an occasional weekend when all
    the roomies are away.
    
    My prefurred solution is to get up and grab the nearest cat.  Gently.
    Unfortunately, in the current living situation, the nearest cat is
    down the block.  :-(                                                 
    
    It's odd how long the fear and or outrage can last.  From any
    nightmare, but especially the life-threatening ones.   Especially
    the ones where men are part of the life-threatening stuff.
    
    You know, it's just real hard to discuss this  with men.  Even best
    friends.  er, <clearthroat>, um well, just be patient, and 
    <deepbreath> appreciate that you get to overhear, guys.
    [I'm at tears' edge, and I haven't even said anything.]  

    re: .0
    
    	Do you usually feel safe in your home?
    
    	I lived in an apartment for about six months (couldn't take
    	it any longer) where strongly felt *something* would happen 
    	to me one day.  It was a good neighborhood, but I was on the 
    	first floor and for some unknown reason I was terrified of the
    	accessibility of my bedroom window.  I constantly had violent, 
    	lasting dreams, and finally it got to the point where I was 
    	afraid to go to sleep -- I was afraid of the dreams, and I was
    	afraid someone would break in while I slept.
    
    	I've since moved and the dreams are pleasant once again.  *8-)
    	I'm a firm believer in outside influences/fears/worries/loves
    	making symbolic appearances in dreams.
    
    						Carla
    

    Like Lisa, warm, breathing, purring cats (and big dogs) are my
    best ways of getting back to "present time" after waking up terrified
    during the night.  People will do in a pinch, but I prefer the 
    animals. ;-)  I often sleep with the bedroom lights on.
    
    I am terrified of the city.  When walking around New York I am in
    such constant fear that I cannot enjoy it.  It's like the nightmare
    feeling coming back during the day.  I lived in Cambridge in a basement
    apartment for a year, and was so stressed from that that it colored
    my whole year.  There were bars over the windows, so I worried about
    not getting out in a fire as well as people intruding.  I lived
    in the suburbs for a while, and that was better.   I didn't wake
    up terrified as often as I did in the city.
    
    I finally moved back out to the country.  I felt so relieved to be away
    from the city and to feel safe again.  (I had lived in a cabin in the
    woods for 2 years near where I am living now, and had felt very safe
    there because it was so hard to find!  I was not scared of going out in
    the woods at night.)  After a few weeks of feeling relieved and of
    having no nightmares, a brutal murder of a woman and 2 children was
    committed 2 miles away during the afternoon.  I know people who
    know both the victims and the alleged murderer which makes it more
    real for me.  I realized that my illusions of safety had made me
    feel so good, but they were just illusions.  We really aren't safe
    anywhere.   And the nightmares are back along with a feeling of
    being watched even though no one seems to be around.  
    
    Holly

    
    For a short period of time, when I was troubled with a not-particularly
    nasty but tenacious recurring-bad-dream, I decided to get out of
    bed and write it down.  After doing this two or three times, it
    stopped appearing so frequently, and eventually went away.  
    
    Funny, I had a bad one last night.  I don't remember what happened,
    but I do remember waking up terrified, because I thought I'd heard the 
    bedroom door squeakily swinging open (I don't even know if the hinges
    on that door squeak).  It took what felt like ages to turn my head
    (which was facing away) towards the door, to look into the entrance to 
    the room...  I don't think there's anything you can do At The Moment
    but wait it out and hope it's only a dream, or plan your course
    of action.  My bad dreams are usually of the Someone Threatening to Do 
    Bad Things variety.  I've been known to sleep with lights on in
    other parts of the house.  That makes me feel better.
    
    Good luck!
    
    CQ 

    Ah dreams...  My last one was worms.  Three kinds, all white and
    icky, squirmy, gah.  Coming out of my flesh.  Don't even want to
    imagine what it means; the memory of the dream is too uncomfortable.
    
    Living alone can be scary, especially if you are on the first floor.
    I had a peeping tom a couple months back, and so have been locking
    ALL the doors, tho the porch window is still unlocked so I can let
    the cat in & out.
    
    To keep away the fear, I ignore it.  It seems I ignore it pretty
    well, since my dreams don't include fear of being alone.  It may
    be that the REASON I can ignore it is because I've already been
    beat up and raped... somehow I know that I've lived through it before
    and if it happens again I will live through it again.  That may
    be an uncautious way of looking at it, but there is really little
    choice I can see: live in horrible fear, or decide to cope with
    whatever happens.
    
    Which is worse and harder to bear?  A lifetime of fear, or an incident
    (or two)?  I think the fear is harder, but that was a very concious
    and difficult choice...
    
    Lee

  
    
    	Ever since I was little, I had dreams where burglars were entering
    through the window.  I would wake up and see shadows.  But, I never
    screamed because I thought if I pretended I was asleep, they won't
    touch me.  But, my heart was always pounding a mile a minute.
    
    I still have those dreams.  And I hate them.  I am a rational,
    intelligent human being who can't stand to be afraid of anything.
    So, when I have one of those very REAL dreams, if I'm alone, I will
    do stupid things just in case someone is in the house.  

    I will drop a book on the floor (there is always one by the bed)
    so as to make a loud noise so if someone is in the house, they might
    leave.  I will loudly talk to myself saying things like "Boy, am
    I thirsty, think I'll go downstairs and get a drink".  Sometimes,
    I'll even yell at the top of my lungs.  It feels good and lets
    some of the tension I'm feeling release.  (I've only done this since
    I've moved out of an apartment and into a house) 
    Then I feel stupid and scared.  So I think to myself FEAR NO MORE
    and try to go to sleep.  
    
    And if this doesn't work, I watch tv the rest of the night and play
    zombie for the rest of the day.   
    
    If I am not alone, I usually just hug the heck out of my husband.
    But, actually, I normally only have these dreams alone.  And mine
    are not recurring, because I'm so mad at being afraid, I try and
    program a happy dream for the following night.  ( I have wild
    dreams and if I think pleasant thoughts before I sleep, I normally
    can start to dream happy dreams.  It works)
    
    Anyhow, I hate to admit these things, but I've just had one.  I
    think I've pinpointed them to the fact that there have been two brutal
    murders in the Mass area and my husband was at DECUS so I was alone.
    
    On a happy note, my weird fantastic dreams outnumber the few 
    nightmares I have.  My dreams have become famous among my friends
    so whenever they have a strange dream, they refer to them as VICKY-dreams.

    Sleep well and dream softly,
    Vicky

	I had nightmares many years ago about a man attacking
	me in my home, usually at night while I was asleep.
	The nightmares increased as I became aware of the number 
	of women raped and knowing there was a rapist loose in the
	neighborhhod, whom the police had not caught.  After 
	waking up in a sweat one night I realized that I did not
	have to live this way.  I went out the next day and bought 
	a gun, which I keep at the top of my bed on the headboard.
	I have two dogs, who would give warning if anyone tried to 
	break into my home. The nightmares about being attacked 
	and/or raped have not reoccurred since buying the gun.

    Re: .14
    
    About that porch window...  you can do a number on it so that the
    cat can get in and out, but someone still can't get in from outside
    too easily.  There are little gizmos that you can attach to the
    frame, specifically for holding a window partly open (cat-opening
    size, not people-opening size) but "locked", and so forth.  Or,
    perhaps a cat door instead.
    

    Re .15
    
    I know what you mean about having those dreams of an intruder and
    believing if you lie *very* still, he will believe you are asleep
    and not touch you.  I used to do that too - even did it once recently.
    It certainly is not rational - if someone is in the house with the
    intent to rape or kill you, lying still will not help.  However,
    if he is only there to steal something...maybe it's a rational thing
    to do.  But since when are nightmares rational?
    
    Elizabeth

    Every once in a while I'll wake up from a dream and still feel the
    presence of the dream figure in my apartment.  Sometimes its friendly, 
    sometimes its threatening.  When ***FEELS*** threatening, 
    I turn the lights on and either (1) try to
    go back to sleep; (2) write down the experience and my feelings in my 
    journal; (3) read; and/or (4) turn on the TV.
                                   
                

      
    
Though I am not alone when I dream, I once in a while get pretty awful dreams
mostly about insects crawling all over the place (insects make me physically
sick) or about something happening to my daughter (I don't even want to verba-
lise it here, because I am so TERRIFIED of it).

Several things that could possibly help are:

	- try to understand why you dreamt that. Are you really worried that
	  you may be attacked, like in your dream, or is your dream a sign
 	  that something is worrying you, about yourself, about someone
	  you love?

	- if the aloneness is really the root of the problem, would you 
	  consider sharing appartments with somebody, like taking a
	  boarder in a spare bedroom (this may not be realistic depending
	  on the size of your appartment) or inviting a friend to sleep
	  in for a while ?

	- would you consider having a pet ? Several noters have said
	  they'd "grab for the nearest cat", and I think cats and dogs
	  are very comforting to have around. They are great company,
	  even though they represent an extra responsibility which not
	  everybody is willing to take.

I'd really like to help but, sad to say, though being alone is definitely 
worse when you wake up from the dream, not being alone will not 
automatically mean that the dreams will go away (I know...).

Joana 

	    "Dreams often more than waking passions move."
    
    
    				from a poem by Thomas Campion ~1613
    
    
    
    
                                                           
    
    
    
    
    (Found this when I was too restless to sleep last night.)

Currently I live alone.  When I first moved into my house, I was 
bothered by dreams of this type too, even though the neighborhood 
did not seem to be a threatening one.  It definitely seemed to be 
related to living alone.  But I have had them when not alone, 
too.  So, having someone stay over didn't always help.

For a while I would leave a light (not just a nightlight) on all
night long.  Then, in my science-fiction binge reading, I read a
story where the main character talked about his nightmares as a
child.  He said they went away when his father gave him a weapon
(gun) and told him to use it (in the dream) the next time he felt
threatened.  Not being a gun person, I settled on a baseball bat
near the bed. I'm not sure how much help it would be if I was
really attacked, but I certainly felt better and the nightmares
stopped. 

One of the other things I did at the time was think about what I
was really afraid of.  My conclusion was that I *was* (am?)
afraid of being attacked because of being a single woman living
alone.  I also concluded that if someone really wants to attack
*me* (as opposed to any random available victim), they will and
there's not much that I can do to stop it.  But I don't have to
live in constant fear of it either.  But I can reduce the 
probability of being chosen as the easiest available victim and 
have done things to prevent that.

Hope this helps.

    I to have a very bad nightmare that has been with me for the past
    ten years.  I live alone and when I have this dream it scares the
    death out of me.  It goes like this...
    
    I'm sleeping, then it is as if I wake up..I try to stand up or move
    to put the light on but I'm paralyzed I can't move a muscle, and
    at the sametime someone is trying to get me.  The dream is so real
    one time I remember walking up the stairs and banging on my neighboors
    door to get help but then I woke up and was wondering if I really
    did go upstairs cuz it felt so real.  Then when I do wake up I try
    to stay awake but I feel the dream pulling me back to sleep and
    when I do fall asleep again I find myself back in the dream. 
    
    I told my girlfreind about this and she told me that is is because
    I don't like to be alone.  Which fits in, because 99% of the time
    when I have this dream is on Sunday night and that is the only time
    I'm really alone.
    
    I don't know if this helps, but at least you know your not alone
    I wish I knew what to do and why I have this dream, yet I have not
    had it for a while (I hope it stays that way).
    
    Randi

    When I first got divorced (eleven years ago) I worked in emergency
    admissions in a local hospital.  We had a little boy admitted for
    burns which turned out to be a case of child abuse.  I played an
    active role in getting case heard before authorities and the people
    involved knew that.  At one point they came in with about ten people
    and tried to take the child from the hospital.  We had gotten a
    restraining order allowing us temporary guardianship.  That little
    boy had third degree burns on his genitals from being held on a
    hot stove and we (hospital personal) felt very strongly that we
    must protect him.  There were five police cars at the hospital 
    that night.
    
    After that I started having some very strange nightmares.
    In my dreams I was in my house in my bed in the dark ... just as
    I really was... when I heard voices and noises that sounded like
    someone trying to get into the house.  I'd wake up in a cold sweat,
    shaking.  My own two little ones were very little at the time and
    I feared for them too.  I spent more than one night sitting in the
    kitchen with the phone in my hand.  
    
    Gradually I came to terms with myself and my aloneness.  In the
    final analysis we are all alone.  We are born alone and we die 
    alone.  Although I too carried a knife and have always had big dogs
    but thats really just my own pacifier.  After awhile one must put 
    one's fears aside and trust in fate and whatever God you
    believe in to take care of you.  You can't allow fear to comprise
    you, you must defeat it.  We cannot allow the dark side of life
    to effect our decisions, our goals, or our integrity.
    Death will confront us all one day, some sooner than others.  
    A woman confronts death frequently during life, when having children,
    when caring for our sick families, when faced with the responsibility
    of little lives totally dependent on us.    
    We live the best we can and when death comes, we'll face it
    in style_;-).
    

    My worst nightmare (in terms of after-effect) is always just some
    unknow terror in my home.  It opens doors that I've closed. Opens
    drawers, I'll close them, leave the room, return and they'll be
    open again.  The incidents continue until the moment when the 
    the "horror" is about to unveil itself, and I wake up.  But I'm
    not really awake, I dream I woke up, but the same things start 
    happening again.  I'll "wake up" like this several times before
    I am really awake.  By the time I am really awake, I don't know
    if I'm asleep and the horror will start again, or I'm really 
    awake.  I tell you, I get so disoriented.  It takes me the whole
    next day to get over it.
    
                                          cj (*yawn*)
    

    re .25  That happens to me, sometimes, I mean the part about thinking
    you're awake but you're only dreaming you are awake.  When I am
    under stress or I discover something new about myself (negative),
    I have this nightmare, that I wake up (but I"m really asleep) and
    I can see this black object flowing by the side of my bed, tempting
    me near it, but then I pull back into myself and shake as hard as
    I can so that I can "really" wake up.  I say hello to God and then
    off to true sleep I go.
    
    The funny thing: I tried sleeping on my other side and I still dreamt
    about the black object.  That was only for 2 nights in a row two
    weeks ago.  Now, my dreams are weird but they don't scare me.
    
    Cathy
    
    p.s do you ever dream you are falling and your foot shakes or
    something, and you wake up for an instant?  

    Re: .26 falling/ foot/ etc.
    
    Yup.  Does this have a physiological basis, I wonder?   I seem to
    recall that it has something to do with the way one's muscles/brain
    go on leave during various phases of sleep.
    

    
    I wonder if I'm the only one who dreams this way?....
    
    When I have a bad dream, I am aware that I'm dreaming - so then the bad
    stuff isn't that bad, because the whole time I'm dreaming - I'm
    saying to my self "It's just a dream, I'll wake up, and it will
    be gone, so this is no big deal".
                   
    Pretty Strange?
    
    
    I've only had one dream in my life that I can consider a "nightmare",
    all the rest have been unpleasant, but not terrible.  I had this
    nightmare when I was probably about 5 or 6 years old.  ( A dragon
    was chasing my brother and I) I still can remember some of it.
    
    Bye!
    
    Corinne
    

    
    	Some years back, I went through a series of "bad dreams" where
    	I was fully aware that I was dreaming and merely *ordered* myself
	to wake up (and I did wake up.)  It was definitely a strange
    	feeling (and left me wondering for several moments whether I
    	had, in fact, awakened or if I was still dreaming.)

    	Another strange experience I've had several times is having
    	dreams that come equipped with memories that are specific to
    	the dream (i.e., they are not part of the action of the dream
    	itself but manifest themselves as thoughts I'm having *during*
    	the dream about fictional past experiences that have been
    	invented as *part* of the dream.)
    
    	Nowadays, my worst dreams usually involve some sort of personal
    	crisis or a serious problem at work.  

    							   Suzanne...

    Well well well, stumbled across this topic just in time.  Last night
    I had a very bad, scary, blood-curling, horrifying, nasty, panoramic,
    technicolor, dolby sound, shocked out of my mind dream.
    
    Kept me up half the night.  I do what .4 does...re-write the script.
    I liked the color, symbols and imagery so they stayed.  I didn't
    like the action. The plot was good so I expanded it into Nightmare
    Part II.  Woke up several hours later refreshed and here I am
    developing other plots, other ideas, new strategies to meet tomorrow's
    frontiers.  This is called working.
      

    
    
    I think it is time for me to explain why I started this note.
    
    1.  I did in fact have a severe nightmare - I wanted to know if
    other women suffer from them and if they did how did they cope.
    The worst part of the dream was the inability to convince myself
    that "it could not happen to me" even after I woke.
    
    2.  We (some of the women) in this conference have wanted to discuss
    life experiences that for the most part men do not experience in
    the same way.  We have been told - many times (espeically lately)-
    that we can not, it is against the rules.  (I have begun to notice
    that the rules keep changing everytime we agree to them.)
    
    3.  I would like there to be a closed conference but there is not
    one around so I am using this one to get what I want out of it.
    
    4.  So many of the males have stated in their intros that they are
    here to learn about women?  Huh!  As a female student of Socrates
    has been quoted "My arm my be lovey but it is not on public display."
    Thankyou.  If you want to learn about women first learn about your-
    selves, we have no great secrets, we are not all the same.  There
    are as many different sides to women as there are to men.
    
    5.  Sometimes I get bored and do things to see how others react,
    especially if the "others" have been particually annoying.
    
    I am back from the Heartland and know why I stay in Massachusetts.
    I also know why I stay in this conference.
    
    _peggy
    		(-)
    		 |	Sometimes it is worth the effort
    

    
    Peggy, I'm glad you decided to take a risk like this in order to
    get more of what you needed from this conference.  I think this
    gesture of yours enabled a number of us to start finding each other
    again.
    
    Thank You!
    
    Justine