Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    Get another doctor.
    
    --bonnie
   

    I'm under the impression that there are three reasons for trying
    to have a baby sooner rather than later:  (1) fertility decreases with
    age, (2) the rate of some birth defects increases (Some of the birth
    defects are detectable in utero, such as mongolism.), and (3) if you find
    that you have a particular fertility problem, obviously the more time
    you have to try to correct it, the better.  I don't know how the exact
    numbers associated with either #1 or #2.
                                            

    Does your doctor suspect you may have a problem having a baby? 
    I'd ask him to be sure that's not the reason he's pushing you.
    Otherwise, I think the first and foremost reason to have a child
    is that the child is WANTED by both parents and will be loved and
    well-cared for.  It's really your business and no one else's.
    

    Re: .0
    
    I have the impression that having the FIRST child when over forty
    is more significant than having A child when over forty.

    Chelsea is right...a woman who has already had several healthy
    children and no problems in childbirth is far less of a risk than
    a 40 year old prima para...or on the other hand...I had one pregnancy
    at age 25. If I were to become pregnant now at 43 I would also be
    a high risk pregnancy because of 1. the time since I was pregnant
    before, 2. the fact that my previous pregnancy ended in a C section
    because I failed to go into normal labor.
    
    All of which really means, find a doctor that you trust and abide
    by his/her advice.
    
    Bonnie Jeanne

    RE.4
    I asked the doctor the same question regarding if he thought that
    I would have problem having children etc. He told me he had no reason
    to believe that I would have any problem it was simply the age factor.
    I have discussed with him that I am aware of the "risks" and am
    planning on having a baby in two years and it is not sensible to
    have one any sooner due to when my fiance and I have planned to
    get married etc.  But he still harps on me. I realize that I should
    get another doctor ans I intend to but I am on the Tufts medical
    plan at present and he is my primary care physician and I am stuck
    with him for now it seems to me according to the way the plan operates
    and until there is another opportunity from DEC to sign up for another
    plan which seems to ony happen the first of each year. 
    I have been trying to contact Tufts to find out if I can change
    primary care physicians but I keep getting refered to different
    people and so far I still don't have an answer. To tell you the
    truth I've had this doctor since I was 25 and he was harping on
    me about getting going on having a baby even then!!!
    

    That makes me mad ! What business is it of his !!!!
    
    I hope you have some luck in getting a new doctor.
    
    	Sarah.
    

    My parents were 40 afd 37 years of age whef I was born.  I was born
    at home, as were my brothers and sister.  I have a brother who is
    three years younger than I am.
    
    ** Mq parents never played games or other things after wgrk as they
       were always too tired.  You are looking at parents 40 years older
       than their childref 'double generation gap?' who are ready tg
       rest after wgrk and really have no time for their children.
    
    Mq youngest is 12 afd I am 47.. 35 qears different, she wants to
    do many things and I would rather relax.  I try and participate,
    mind willing body exhausted, and find I usually sprain or pull 
    something a lot easier now.  
    
    Just points to ponder..  Good luck on a family whenever you start.
    
    Dave,
    
    P.S.  My daughter is also mildly retarded and was born with C.P.,
          her right side is weaker, as she has about 2 inches difference
          in leg length and the arm is also shorter.  I would not have
          had her had we planned and known in advance, but what she
          lacks, she more than makes up by her loving ways.

    I think 40 is kind of pushing it....but I had a girlfriend who had
    her first baby at age 35 and her second at age 37.....and she had
    no problems whatsoever....but she did say that she wished she started
    sooner because now at age 38 she really gets tired easier trying
    to keep up with her two toddlers!!!!  :-)  The bouncing boys!!!
    
    I'm 32 and want to start a family soon myself and my doctor also
    keeps advising me to start *NOW*....but he didn't push it.  Just
    giving me his opinion.....I would love to do it NOW but the timing
    isn't right.
    
    bobbi
    

    RE. All replies
    I truley apprciate the time yiu have taken to add to this Topic
    as I have been a nervous wreck since my appointment with the doctor.
    Everyone has offered excellent points which has given me more to
    work on when all I had was the doctor on my back.
    It may sound naive on my part but it never occured to me that it
    really wasn't his business when I decided to have the baby, somehow
    I assumed that it was his business as he is the doctor and he should
    "know". But I realize that the problem here is not his concern for
    me but that "if" it is a difficult delivery that he doesn't want
    to have to deal with that or something to that effect. 
    Well, I've got two years to search for someone else who will take
    this decrepit thirty-one year old on as a patient!
    Thanks again,
    Fran
    

    This note isn't directly related to Fran's concern, but it's
    something I wanted to add to the general discussion: 
    
    I was 19 when Kat was born and 30 when Steven was born, and if I
    wnated to, I could recite some experiences and bad emotional times
    that would make it seem like the disadvantages of having a child
    at any age outweigh the advantages. 
    
    A couple of notes pointed out that an older parent can have less
    energy and a bigger generation gap to cope with.  Sometimes, too,
    I find I resent having a child's unpredictable needs intruding
    on my careful schedules.
    
    Advocates of waiting to have children point out, correctly, that
    when you're older, you're more stable, you quite likely are in a
    better position to provide for the child, and you probably have
    more insight into your own and the child's behavior.  And that's
    all true, too.
    
    None of it matters.  Every person has strengths and weaknesses as
    a parent.  Those strengths and weaknesses vary not only with your
    age but with your personality, your experiences, your environment,
    and the child's personality. 
    
    When you're thinking about having a baby, there's a tendency to
    focus on the things you think you're likely to do wrong and
    overlook your very real strengths.  You worry about the fact you
    never did like strong smells of the sort associated with dirty
    diapers (I threw up more than once while changing Kat, but I
    survived) and that you're impatient and tend to yell at people
    when you're annoyed.  I think, "What kind of damage am I doing to
    Kat when I scold her because I'm p'd at my boss?" I wonder if she
    feels bad because I'm not like her friends' mothers and I'm
    not there after school to talk to her -- I must be irretrievably
    damaging communications channels.
    
    Then she gives me a birthday card that says I'm a one-in-a-million
    mother and tells me I'd be boring if I was any different. 
    
    She tells me how important it is that I work because it tells
    her she can do anything she wants to.

    When you have a baby, you don't have the faintest idea if it's
    going to grow up into a singer, a dancer, a politician, a chemical
    engineer, or an axe murderer.  In a lot of ways, having a baby is
    like having a total stranger move into your house unannounced and
    without much intention of conforming to household rules.  You'll
    have a hand in shaping that person's behavior and beliefs, but on
    the whole, the kid is going to grow up into someone unlike you. 
    
    The fun of parenting is discovering who that child is and sharing
    yourself with that new person.  And in the end, that's all
    that matters about being a parent -- the love and the excitement.
    
    --bonnie    

    Bonnie, your note (.12) has inspired me.  Even though I don't have
    any children yet, and my sister's baby is only 3 months old (the
    "First" in the family), I've often questioned whether or not a
    baby is something my husband and I truly want (I guess that's the
    question of the times).
    
    But what you said about your child growing up to be unlike you is
    inspiring - I would want my child to be whomever he/she wants to
    be (provided it's a "decent" way to be) and not a "clone" of me.
    
    I think of raising that child as being a "challenge" and a
    "friendship".  Am I totally off-the-wall in my thinking?  I don't
    have a lot of experience behind me.
    
    Pam
    

    My doctor had her first baby last year at the age of 39.  She and
    the baby are fine!

        Replace the doctor. If you can't get help through Tufts, contact
        Personnel or the EAP, and get them to help you get a better
        doctor. Both groups can be very helpful. One of them should be
        able to answer all your questions, and if you getthe run-around
        the should be able to help get things moving. It is reasonable
        to not put off your first child beyond your mid-thirties and
        therefore to be planning by the time you're 31, but there is no
        reason for this sort of pressure at 31, and if he was doing it
        when you were 25, then he was way out of line. 
        
        JimB. 

    I know an 82 year old woman who had her first and only child at
    forty-six.  Needless to say her daughter was a big surprise.  Her
    daughter is now 37 years old this year and had her first baby last
    year and is expecting another this year.  This young woman is extremely
    talented.  She is an exceptional artist and speaks four languages.
    She studied voice and teaches piano and voice and owns a piano tuning
    business.
    
    I am very pleased to know that a woman can have a baby that late
    in life and that the baby can be so healthy.  I thought you might
    like to know so that it will eliviate some of the fear associated
    with having a child after thirty years old.

    
    Phew, for a moment there I thought you were going to say you knew
    an 82 year old who'd *just* had a baby!!!!

    re: .13
    
    No, you're not off the wall.  It sounds to me like you'd make
    a wonderful mother.
    
    The special friendship a mother can develop with a child she truly
    loves is perhaps the deepest and most rewarding part of being a
    mother.  Don't let all the apple-pie-and-motherhood crap you read
    fool you; your child knows you're not perfect, knows in what ways
    you aren't perfect, doesn't expect you to be perfect, and doesn't
    care that you're not perfect.  All your child wants is your love. 

    And there's nothing more challenging than loving someone for
    what they are instead of for what you want them to be!
    
    --bonnie     

    One should have children when they are ready and WANT to have children.
    
    Can't you change insurance companies by getting a physical?
    
    I don't know how much age has to do with problem pregnancies and
    births.  It seems that more and more women today are waiting.  In
    fact, when I was pregnant with my daughter, (I was 20), several
    other women told me that I was crazy and should wait to start a
    family, that I'd be sorry later.  But I haven't been in the least.
    I had my son when I was 22, and we decided that our family was
    complete.  Then this past year we changed our minds. (I'm now 27).
    I experienced a miscarriage in June.  The doctor said that 20% of
    all pregnancies end in miscarriage and not to worry about it.  So
    I got pregnant again under advice of my doctor.  The day before
    Christmas, I was five months pregnant, and we found out that the
    baby had multiple birth defects and would not survive if it even
    lived to term.  If , and I say if because I don't know if I can
    handle such a loss again, I get pregnant again, I will have to have
    an amnio done at 16 weeks.  The doctor was very surprised at the
    outcome of the last pregnancy as I should be "under the 35 year
    old  in my prime for having babies" period.  I never had ANY problems
    with either of my other kids.
    
    Don't worry about being "too tired". I'm always too tired for physical
    activity at the end of the day.  I'd rather read, so I've spent
    time increasing reading skills with the kids, and now they like
    to read.  They play after school.  They look forward to their quiet
    time with me at the end of the day.
    
    I know SEVERAL woman over 35 and 40 who have had NO problems
    whatsoever.  In fact, I do not know of one who HAS had a problem.
     Everyone is different, and I think that some doctors try to apply
    too many statistics to individual situations.
    
    I imagine that this isn't quite the place for this reply, but I've
    felt like getting this experience off my chest for quite some time.
    Excuse the ramblings....
    
    D. Marie

    Your doctor has NO RIGHT to pressure you on what is a very personal
    decision.  There should also be no reason why you can't change doctors
    without changing HMOs.  (I've done that with two doctors I wasn't
    comfortable with at Fallon.)  Try contacting the head of the OB/GYN
    department, as well as patient relations.  If those fail, get Digital's
    help.
    

    RE.20
    THANK YOU! I have still been trying to find out if I could
    change primary care physicians!  And to date I still thought I couldn't
    until next year or something... I'm due for my annual check up
    in afew months and hopefully can have this worked out by then.
    Sincerely
    Fran