Conference yukon::christian_v7

Dear Nellfaye, Billy amd Betty:

It is with great difficulty I write this letter to all of you.  First, I 
must confess that I miss my grandmother and the closeness we once shared.  I 
know in my heart before God, that *I* did not propogate the damage that was 
caused between us and am struggling with resentment.  There are many things 
that have caused hurt in my life, but this one, for me, goes the deepest.

All of my life, the only person with whom I felt completely safe was my 
grandmother.  For me, she was my mother.  Though she did not give birth to 
me, she gave me things that my own natural parents failed at giving.  One of 
my earliest memories is being in the kitchen with her and telling her that 
when she got old that I wanted to care for her because she had cared for me 
so very well.  I also remember when they discovered that cigarette smoking 
caused cancer and when they announced it on tv, I ran to the front bedroom, 
threw myself on the bed and cried because I was so afraid that she would 
die.  And now, for me she has died.  You all will one day know the loss, but 
for me the loss began 2 days ago after having spoken to Betty on the phone.
It is safe to say that for me I am grieving.  She used to tell me that I 
could sing the Old Rugged Cross for her at her funeral.  This used to be one 
of her favorite hymns.  So, now, for me I've been singing this song to her 
in hopes that when she's in heaven, that she'll know I only loved her and 
never wanted her to know what my father had done to me.

I am 37 years old and would have never have told her the secret nightmare 
that I lived with until I was placed in the foster home.  You see Billy, I 
don't know if you even know the whole story or if you too think that I am 
some horrible person who'd torture an aging woman.

Therefore, I've decided to open pandora's box and tell all the secrets to 
all of you, so that there can be no misunderstandings.  I am writing in 
English and will attempt to be clear in this communication.  I can only hope 
that you know the motivation comes from the pain and hurt I feel towards 
who in this family, I'm not sure.  I have an idea, but must admit I don't 
know for sure which of you [Nellfaye and Betty] are to blame.

My father, your brother sexually molested my older sister, Jackie, myself, 
Martha [Doris' daughter] and most likely others.  The perversion I 
experienced at his hand and Doris' will most likely upset you, turn your 
stomach and make you wonder why I never told anyone.  I hope to explain as 
best as I can how this child dealt with the situation.  I will be brutally 
honest and hope that maybe through this you can see that a butterfly has 
come forth out of something very ugly.  I like who I am today, and though 
I've had my issues in resolving who I am, I am a very happy, healthy, loving 
and caring woman, mother and Christian.

I wrote the below approximately 4 years ago.  I left out of here the 
perversions my father allowed with my stepmother.  When my father died, I 
remember crying at the funeral as the memory of my stepmother performing a 
sexual act on my father, while he read a pornographic novel while Martha and 
I ate breakfast one morning.  They were only a few feet away from us kids.  
This was why I was so upset at my father's funeral... not because these 
memories were killing me inside.  



                                 My Life

My parents were in the midst of a divorce when my mother discovered she was 
pregnant with me.  They decided to keep it together for a while longer and see 
what happened.  However, what happened next has never been quite clear to 
anyone.  

My parents finally divorced when I was 2.  My father took me to live with his 
mother in Kentucky.  There my grandparents gave me the only "home" I can recall.  
They took me to a Baptist church every Sunday. It was shortly after this that my 
nightmare began.

Starting when I was 4 years of age, my grandmother would put me on a plane to 
Florida, with my "Teddy Bear-TO & FROM" necklace in place.  In Florida, my 
Father would pick me up and off we would go to his den of darkness.  My father's 
abode had pornography on the walls.  He had pornography in the bathroom and at 
night he would molest me when he thought I was asleep.

During the day we didn't acknowledge anything had happened between us.  I was so 
young (I know it started before 4) that I didn't know any different.  I remember 
by age 6 asking my friends if their fathers visited them in bed.  They would all 
look at me shocked and my shame stopped me from talking about this.

At age 6, my Father (who I now know was an alcoholic) liked to stop at the bars 
and drink.  For a while, in the state of Florida, I was allowed in the bars that 
served any type of food.  So by age 6, I understood the happenings in a bar 
including prostitution, one-night-stands or pickups as I called them.  I would 
see a woman in a bar and could identify her as a "pickup" or a "prostitute" or 
just a "lush".  I also knew which ones my Father would go for and oh how I 
prayed that he would pick someone up and give me one night of "safety".

But, soon Florida laws wouldn't let me in the bars at all.  So my Father would 
leave me in the car and have barmaids come out and bring me a grape soda and 
take me in the bushes to relieve myself.  At closing, he would amble out drunk 
and somehow only God knows we made it home!

Okay, I know you are asking where was your Mother during all of this?  Well, Mom 
was busy with her beaus.  At this time, she had met the man of her dreams and 
was not interested in me.  I saw her on weekends sometimes, but not a lot.  I 
usually stayed with a neighbor or my older sister if she was there.  My sister 
lived with my Mother's parents.

So for two more years I continued living with my Father's parents during the 
school season and in the summer went to visit my parents in Florida.  What a 
conflict of environments; in Kentucky was church, no drinking, no fussing, no 
cursing and in Florida it was bars, sex, no church, and ilicit talk, complete 
opposites.

Then at 8 years old I began another transition.  My mother was pregnant and 
decided she wanted me to live with her.  I guess it was guilt.  She married the 
father of the baby and my little brother was born.  My mother has 3 children; my 
sister born illegitimate when she was 16, myself - not illegitimate but 
unwanted, and then my brother, yet another father.

Having a stepfather and 3 stepsisters was more then difficult for me.  We slept 
in the same room and one of my stepsisters didn't like me or my mother.  After 
all her Dad was happily married to her mother for 18 years before my mother came 
along.  She physically and verbally abused me whenever I was left in her care.  
She was 8 years older than me.  I was at this time starting to become bitter.  
One incident when my stepsister slapped me across the face I ran away.   I 
actually hid in an alley behind our apartment for 4 hours.  When I finally came 
out, my mother asked me what had happened, when I told her what my stepsister 
had done, my stepfather jumped up, slapped me in the face and called me a liar.

From that point forward, I was not a cooperative child.  My whole soul had been 
snapped away like clicking two fingers together when my mother took custody of 
me.  

To further worsen matters, a year later when I was 9, my father met a woman who 
had a daughter my age whom she willingly turned over to my father's bed.  I now 
had competition for the only "constant" person in my life, my father.  I didn't 
want anyone to take him from me.  Yes, I know what he did was wrong, but in 
every other way he was the kindest man I had ever known.  He never hit me or 
cursed me, nor did I lack in clothing or "things".  Yes, it gets worse.  My 
father soon had my stepmother, my stepsister and myself in one bed.  I was 10 
years old then.

With my mother,  there was never enough money for much.  She yelled a lot and 
cursed a lot and drank a lot.  She never "protected" me.  My father's house was 
full of pornography everywhere for everyone to see.  But at this time, she took 
me there faithfully every weekend and left me with him.  She never questioned 
what kind of environment I was in.  

Then, though no-one else, not my sister, not my mother, not my grandparents, 
no-one picked up on an overly sexual 10 year old, except...my stepfather and he 
was now making nighttime visits to my bed.  My stepsister moved out and my 
brother was an infant, therefore it was safe for his visits.

But there was no safe place for me as a child.  This continued until I was 13.  
I had become so rebellious, my mouth was filthy as the gutter.  When my mother 
would request that I do something, I would shout obscenities at her and tell her 
to do it herself.  I now hated this woman who didn't protect me with every fibre 
in my soul.  To the point I wished her dead.  The pain came from her not 
spending any time with me.  I knew my mother less after coming to live with her 
then when I visited on weekends as a small child.  I begged my mother to spend 
time with me and she never did!  I mean NEVER!  She never spent one minute alone 
with me..EVER!  She didn't spend enough time with me to gain insight into the 
pain her child had.

I was at school, my third that year and the third honor roll on which I had 
been, when the Florida State authorities picked me up and placed me in Foster 
Care per my Mother's instructions.  Let me say here that, socially, amazingly I 
easily made friends.  One of my teachers came to my defense and said surely you 
have the wrong girl.

Then I was brought in front of the Judge who heard my mother's case and in my 
mother's and stepfather's presence I was asked this question by the Judge, "How 
do you feel about living with another family that is not your own?", my response 
verbatim without blinking an eye was, "Anything is better then living with these 
people."  The last words I spoke in front of my mother for a very long time.

I went into a Christian foster home, praise the Lord, He had His hand on my 
life.  I resisted the plan of salvation for about a year.  Then my foster 
parents gave me  a book to read entitled "Run Baby Run" by Nicki Cruz.  In that 
book when Nicki asked Jesus into his heart, I knelt on my bed and asked Jesus 
into my heart and to forgive me of my sins.  Many miracles occurred in my life 
after my faith in Christ.  Immediately, the hate for my mother turned to love. 
My Father paid for me to go to a Christian School where I was blessed to hear 
the powerful preaching of men like John R. Rice, Lester Roloff, Jack Hyles, Jack 
VanImpe, Bob Harrington, Bob Gray and others.  I attended for only 3 years at 
this institution, but it changed my life.

Since my salvation at 14 years of age, I have sinned and made bad choices, but 
God has stayed constant, only I have waivered.  I moved to California and God 
led me to a fundamental, Bible believing Baptist Church called North Valley.  If 
it hadn't been for God's saving grace and mercy the direction of my life was 
straight to destruction.  My life verse that I have claimed since I was 14 is 
Psalms 27:10, When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take 
me up.


In spite of my conversion to Christianity, I made horrible choices.  I married a 
man who also was alcoholic and abusive.  Rafael has pointed a gun at me, he has 
given me black eyes and knocked me down stairs while I was pregnant with 
Clayton.  He's now sober.  He has been sober for 2 years now and is doing 
wonderfully.  But we are divorced and that relationship has been severed and I 
see no hope in its mending.  I am however, very thankful for the father he has 
become to our boys.

I can look back and see how I was set up to fail in choosing a mate.  I loved my 
father inspite of the abuse and even defended him in court when my Martha's real 
father brought molestation charges against my father in 1968.  

Why, why why did I not turn him in has been the question that has haunted me all 
of my adult life.  And I can only tell you what I know, I was ashamed and as a 
child believed all that went wrong was my fault.

So when my Dad died, he and I had never spoken of what he had done.  But his 
best friend, Jody told me that he knew what my father had done.  And I cried in 
his arms as he told me what my father had said to him.  He bragged about it, but 
at the same time felt guilty.  He said that what he would leave me wouldn't make 
up for what he'd done, but that he hoped it would help me in my life.

It was after this that I spoke to Nellfaye and Betty about my father.  I told 
them what had happened, but made it very clear that I didn't want my grandmother 
to know.  I thought and rightly so that it would do more harm than good.  But I 
wondered if they knew something that might have happened to my father that would 
have contributed to his ways.

Now this is where my memory gets confused.  I don't know which one, either 
Nellfaye or Betty told me that my father had been sent to live with Granny 
Bradshaw due to him having been inappropriate with Betty.  Exactly what happened 
I don't recall, but it was something to that effect.

I remember Betty saying that my father had been inappropriate once when she 
visited him in Florida and that she made a decision to keep her daughters away 
from him.  Now what it was the he had done, again I don't recall.  But there was 
something that occured that kept Betty away from him.

Then some months ago, I phoned my grandmother to talk with her and she asked me 
point blank if it was true what Nellfaye or Betty [can't remember which now, 
though I believe it was Nellfaye] had told her about my Dad.  I asked her to be 
specific, though at that time I felt as though I'd swallowed my heart.  She 
said that my father had molested me.  I swallowed deeply and thought of lying, 
but felt that if she was asking, then  I had to tell the truth.  I told her yes 
that it was true and then I cried.  I told her I was sorry that she had to hear 
this that I would have never told her.  She asked me why I hadn't said anything 
and then began saying I wasn't really my father's daughter anyway.  I told her 
that I was so young when it started that by the time I was old enough to know it 
was wrong, I was trapped by shame and guilt.  Then, fortunately, I was put in 
the foster home.  When I was out of the foster home, I could protect myself.  
Although my father and I never spoke about it, at night I nailed my bedroom door 
shut and used copper wire around the nails to prevent him from opening my door 
while I was sleeping [which was his normal behavior, he took pictures of us 
while we (Martha and I) were sleeping.  I found those pictures after his death 
and destroyed them].

She then said to me that she was sorry that this had happened to me.  That if 
she'd known she would have stopped my father.

Then I phoned her a while later and we spoke again.  And this time she didn't 
ask me anything.  She began accusing me.  Asking me why I took his money, if 
he'd done all those things to me.  Why did I tell Nellfaye and Betty this after 
he'd died.  Again, I was quiet and I cried and I begged her to understand that I 
wish she never knew this that I was just a child.  Maybe what I did was wrong by 
not telling, but it was the only choice I thought I had... I was so ashamed and 
blamed myself for everything.  Only this time, she continued to accuse me.  I 
told her I understood that I was a mother now.  And we hung up the phone.  I was 
so hurt.  I called Betty to tell her what had happened.

Betty told me to give it some time and call her again later and not to allow her 
to talk or mention anything about my father.  I agreed.  But I have to tell you  
at this point I was angry at Nellfaye, for I felt that my relationship with  my 
grandmother was being destroyed by something that she had no right in telling my 
grandmother.   I was sorry I ever reached out to you Nellfaye for some 
understanding.

I did call my grandmother again and not a thing was mentioned.  She started to 
and then quickly caught herself and we ended the conversation without much 
warmth as we always had in the past.  I must have told my grandmother a thousand 
times that I thanked her for all she had done for me as a child and that I felt 
that who I am today, is because of who she was to me.  But this time, she 
wouldn't hear it.

I must also mention that she brought up my not cashing a check she sent the boys 
for Christmas some 5-6 years ago.  I explained that at the time I was married 
and felt guilty taking money from her.   I had told her at the time that I would 
buy the boys something and put it under the tree from her, which I did, but I 
never cashed her check.  She took this as some sort of rejection instead of what 
I [in my naivety] was trying to portray.  Had I known, only if I had known...

I could go on with more things to say about my life...but I imagine you are 
thoroughly tired and possibly sick of reading this.

I've lived a very lonely life.  But I've never been a person of malice.  I've 
forgiven all those who have wronged me in my life as I will forgive you 
[Nellfaye and Betty] for your wrongs as well.  You've robbed me of the only 
person from whom I ever felt love.  Her life will end and I will go on with 
this to add to my other memories.  Betrayal is a horrible thing, but family 
betrayal cuts the artery of bloodlines.

My mother was here these past two weeks and was with me when I spoke to Betty 
this last time.   I had been trying to call my grandmother but it rang and rang 
and rang.  I had tried once each month as I always do.  When my grandmother 
didn't answer, I recalled her saying that her days and nights had been messed up 
and she couldn't always hear the phone.

Only this time, I decided to check in.  I thought to myself surely if something 
was wrong, someone from this family would have called me.  Then Betty told me 
that it had been two months that she was at Nellfaye's and that she had been in 
the hospital prior to that.  At this point, Betty then told me that the family 
thought it best if I didn't talk to my grandmother at all.  She said that my 
grandmother said I had talked "nasty to her" the last time we spoke.  Well this 
is untrue.  And while I can believe that hearing my voice would upset my 
grandmother because of her new knowledge of her son's sexual deviance, I am left 
with two feelings:

1.  Betrayal by my Aunt(s) in telling her about my father.  
2.  Resentment for being robbed of anything familial good in my life.  She was 
    the only thing good for me in family that I could hold onto.

How could you give a little a girl a family and then just take it away from 
her like that?  Why did you tell your own mother this thing about my father?  
What purpose did it serve you?  Was it to hurt me, hurt your mother or destroy 
the relationship she and I had?

Whether or not I truly am blood Bradshaw (which I believe I am, my oldest son 
looks like my father's twin [when he was a young man]} and Clayton has the curly 
hair like me and the hazel eyes, this family let me call you family and it hurts 
to have lost that.

Sincerely,
    

Nancy,

I love you, my Sister

    Oh Heavenly Father,

    my heart aches that his letter ever needed to be written.

    Father God, I lift before you now, this precious woman of Jesus. Lord
    God, I pray that You will raise her crushed spirit, that You will
    breath a new vitality into her heart, that You will continue to lift
    her life in Jesus.

    Heavenly Father, I commend my Precious Sister to You, and I pray that
    You will minister to her heart and spirit the healing balm of Your Holy
    Spirit.

    I ask this in the Glorious Name of Jesus, our Lord God and Saviour, amen.

    
    Ahhh Nancy, I'm sorry.   
    
    [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[HUG]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
    
    I'll be keeping ya in my prayers.
    

    All I can say is ... I read it all.

      Me too Nance.  Offline.  Can you feel my tears?
    
    					Love You,
    
    					Tony

    Nancy, God's love for you *shines* in the honest and loving way in
    which you shared with your family.  
    
    May God continue to give you the strength to bear this terrible burden,
    and may He give grace to your family to open their arms to you.
    
    Big hug to you from this end!
    Love, Mary

>I like who I am today, and though 
>I've had my issues in resolving who I am, I am a very happy, healthy, loving 
>and caring woman, mother and Christian.

This, in the midst of the rest of this letter, is an astounding witness to
the power of Christ to transform lives.

Blessings to you, sister,

Paul

	The letter leaves me 

	speechless

	prayerful

	TonyC
	

    I've hesitated in answering anything in here... cause nobody's really
    asked anything... but ... I must say thanks to all who have responded
    to this note both here and offline.
    
    I am so glad that I don't hide behind the shame and guilt anymore. 
    Being free from this and able to post this letter here helps me to
    release all that could ever be locked inside of me to destroy me.
    
    If anyone reading this shares similiar shame and guilt, let me
    encourage you to throw away John Bradshaw's book on dealing with it and
    look to the source who can begin "Healing" it.  
    
    Jesus Christ the son of God conquers all sin and covers all pain and
    all hurt that we ever experience in our life.  The Bible says that
    Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away
    [Luke 21:33].  
    
    For He is able to sa ve them to the uttermost that come unto God by
    Him. [Heb 7:25]
    
    No matter what hurt you have in your life, Jesus is the answer.
    No matter what secret you hold in your heart, Jesus is the answer.
    No matter what shame you bear in your soul, Jesus is the answer.
    
    I hold tightly to knowing that Eye hath not seen, ears have not heard,
    neither have entered into the heart of man the things which God hath
    prepared for those that love Him.  2Cor 2.
    
    

    amen!

    I want to reply, but I don't know what exactly to say and I do want to
    reply. I thank God for the peace of Christ in you  and I pray right now 
    that the Peace of Christ fill you even more. I also pray that God the
    Father allows you to feel His love for you. To touch you like never
    before. I stand in awe of your courage and compassion. May you
    continue to reach out in Love even when you don't feel like it.
    
    May God bless you and those you pray for.
    
    I can't describe the love I have for you, I don't even understand it.
    All I can say is thank you Jesus.
    
    I wasn't going to mention this; You are so right. I don't know where in
    scripture it says that sin that is hidden has power over you. What you
    have done is the righteous thing to do.
    
    Looking forward to meeting you.
    
    Steve Downey.
     
    

    There is a topic regarding secret sin .. its #26.
    
    Thanks for your note Steve.
    
    Nanc

	Nancy, 

	I praise God for the healing he is doing in your life.

	It must feel like a hot iron cauterizing a wound, but it
	will allow the wound to heal.

	I thank God for you, sis!

	Karen

    Nancy I just wanted to tell you I understand. I love you and pray for
    your everyday. I john 4:7-8 says," Beloved Let us love one another ofr
    love is of God and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth
    God. he that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 
      Knowing that God is lovelet me direct to I Corinthians 13: 4-8
    and replace love(charity) with God.
    "God suffereth long, and is kind, God envieth not;God vaunteth not
    himself, God is not puffed up. God doeth not behave himself unseeminly,
    God seeketh no his own,is not easily provoked, or thinketh no evil.
    God rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
    God bears all thing, believethall thing, hopeth all things, engureth
    all thing.  GOD NEVER FAILS.
    
    He'll never fail you nancy. We love you
    Thomas

    Nancy I love you too.  Letting something dark and hiden out so
    that the light can replace it.  Before long the hole will be filled
    with grace too.  One step at a time, but remember to keep your eyes
    on him.
    
    Jill2

Hi Nancy,

I just got back from vacation and read your letter.
It is amazing what God can do in situations so damaging as yours. 
There are no words that can define the pain that you have suffered
and the feelings that you must have felt(anger, betrayal, etc.)
I would image that you can most certainly relate to what Jesus went 
through on the cross suffering like you did. Your story is similiar
in - you experienced a death and resurrection(becoming a Christian and 
receiving forgiveness and healing) in spirit, mind, body and soul.

Now I can see why you bless others with your gift of discernment and
understanding. God must really love you to allow you to go through what you 
did. I am blessed by your strength and endurance, but also extremely saddened 
by your ordeal.

I pray that your pain will diminish and that Jesus will continue
to envelope you in his love as he already has. 

I pray God's healing upon you and I thank God for your life
and the pearls that you sprinkle on us so often. 

God bless you,

Steve 
 

    Hi Steve,
    
    Thank you for the encouragement in your last note.  However, there is
    something you wrote that jumped out at me:
    
    >God must really love you to allow you to go through what you 
    >did. 
    
    I have to admit that I didn't feel very loved... and later after my
    salvation and being put out of the foster home, it was feeling that God
    didn't really love me that put me in a period of about an 8 year 
    rebellion.  At this time I went from being 150% in my relationship to
    the Lord, to about 80, 70, 10, and then 1%.
    
    I don't think anyone who is being abused feels loved by God... on the
    contrary they feel disgusting to God and surely this is happening
    because ultimately something is wrong with me, so wrong that even God
    doesn't care.
    
    False belief, lies from Hell..  but also very real.
    
    But I know now God does love, and yet seeing that phrase written
    touched something deep inside, like a confirmation. :-) Thanks.
    
    Nancy

    This is a section out of "What Happens When Women Pray" by
    Evelyn Christenson.  Pages 85-87.
    
    HOT FIRES
    At Lindon Karo's funeral, my fourteen year old niece was sobbing out
    her heartbreak, she loved her pastor dearly.  As I put my arms around
    her, I said, "Carla, God must have something very, very great for you
    if He's giving you this hot a fire so early in life."  What did I mean? 
    I meant that God has a way of making us greater persons by the "hot
    fires" which are preparing us for what is ahead.  This is a beautiful
    concept.  David understood it.  He said, "Thou hast enlarged me when I
    was in distress" (Psalm 4:1).  The work "enlarged" means "prepared for
    the task ahead".
    
    Our Jan learned this when she was in the ninth grade. [When her best
    friend Dave died of leukemia in ninth grade.  Jan had recently introduced
    Dave to Jesus] For a little while we sat and cried together in that little
    purple chair.  I said, "Honey, God is making you finer gold."  She had
    heard that many times in our home.  We talked about Romans 8:28, and
    Job's assurance, "When He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold"
    (Job 23:10).  That morning I said to Jan what I had told Carla at Lindon 
    Karo's funeral, "Honey, God must have something great in mind for you 
    to give you all this "fire" at your age."  Then Jan sobbed, "O Mother, 
    what if I hadn't invited him to hear Dave Wilkerson preach?" [This was 
    when Dave got saved].
    
    
    
    "He

    .20
    
    Jill2,
    
    Thanks for taking the time to put that in.  I enjoyed it.
    
    Nancy
    

    Nancy, my heart goes out to you.  I have been read-only in this file
    for awhile, now, and I have always been struck by your fighting spirit
    and intelligent answers.  You have given me many unknown (to you)
    blessings.  Now I know where you have gotten the fire that gave you
    that steel-like strength.  May God continue to bless you.
     	Renee

    Amen Renee (nice to hear you BTW)
    
    Love
    Ben

    Thanks Renee... It is GREAT to see you in here.  So many times when I
    pour my heart and soul in here, I wonder... if I offend anyone or make
    them uncomfortable with my candidness... I forget that not everyone is
    able to take such a risk.  Sometimes I do feel very raw after having
    written something and posting it, but I always trust that if God has
    laid it on my heart to do so, the risk is worth it... and conclude some
    will be offended and I must bear that in order  to let God be
    strong when I am weak.  We sing it as a child, but often times I forget
    that.
    
    Jesus loves me this I know
    for the Bible tells me so
    little ones to Him belong
    they are weak, but He is strong
    
    Yes Jesus loves me
    Yes Jesus loves me
    Yes Jesus loves me
    for the Bible tells me so
    
    Nancy
    
    
    
    

    Nancy, 
    
    Just a few years before Karl Barth died, he was at a week-long
    conference at Princeton.  At the end of the week there was a question
    and answer period, and one of the seminarians asked him, with all the
    studying he had done, and all the books he had written, what was the
    most significant thing he had found.  
    
    He stood deep in thought for a long time, then began singing softly, in
    German:  Jesus loves me, this I know...
    
    Whenever I lose my bearings (and I do, far too often), I think of this
    and am grounded once again...
    
    Thanks for reminding me once more, 
    
    /John

      re: .26
    
      John,
    
        That was beautiful!
    
    						Thanks!,
    
    						Tony

    re: .28, re: .26
    
    You're welcome, Tony.  
    
    I've told a lot of people that story, and every time I do, I choke up
    and have to pause a few seconds before I can finish.  
    
    It *really* gets to me, too.  
    
    /John
         

    My grandmother died on Sunday at 6:30 A.M.  Her funeral is this
    Thursday.

	Rest eternal grant to her, O Lord:
	And let light perpetual shine upon her.

	Into paradise may the angels lead her; and at her coming
	may the martyrs receive her, and bring her into the holy
	city Jerusalem.  May the choirs of angels receive her,
	and may she, with Lazarus once poor, have everlasting rest.

	Deliver her soul, O Lord.
	May she rest in peace.

 Amen

Hugs sis.  No more pain to be inflicted by anyone through your grandmother
now, whatever distortions of the truth they may wish to use, to protect
their own memory.  Prayers for Thursday, that N. & B. in particular may be
prevented from touching you - or anyone else - with any poison.


							love
								Andrew 

    amen
    

	Sorry for your loss, Nancy.

        Nancy,

        My prayers are with you. I can't imagine what a mixture of
        emotions and thoughts you must be having. I hope you can 
        hold onto the good memories of your grandmother, and not some
        of the later conversations. You've been through so much,
        I hope that gradually all the sad, dark, hurtful places and
        times will be flooded with light, warmth, and healing through
        the grace of our loving Lord.

        Leslie

    <stunned silence>

{hugs}

    Nancy, 
    
    I'm deeply sorry for your loss.  Am I the only one who noticed she was
    called home in the old year?  The new year is fresh and clean in front of 
    us and you can keep all the good memories and share them with your own 
    children.
    
    I'd like permission to copy your letter and some of the replies.  I
    have a dear friend who only recently admitted to me she was sexually 
    abused by her mother as a child.  I knew about the physical and
    emotional damage done to her, but not the other.  I also know she went
    to her priest once for help.  He asked mother is it were true and when
    she said no, he turned on her for being a liar.  Since then she has not
    attended church.  I have tried to witness to her, but having been
    reared in terrible guilt, she's afraid to attend any other church but
    her own.  Her health is poor and I pray that she can embrace Jesus
    before her time here is through.
    
    God bless you, and I'll certainly understand if you (or any others
    who've replied) don't want this to go outside Digital.
    
    Karen
      

    Karen,
    
    Feel free to copy this and use as God would lead you.  After all its
    His testimony. 
    
    God Bless,
    Nancy
    

    I'm just now catching up in here and came upon the bad news.  I'm so
    sorry to hear about your grandmother, Nancy.  May the peace of God
    encompass you in this time of loss.
    
    
    -steve