Conference turris::womannotes-v5

    
    So far it appears that Lynns mom is trying to teach her a lesson
    of sorts. She doesn't call every other week as she has for 20 years.
    Lynn calls each week now.
    The most disturbing thing is that she'll no longer tell Lynn she
    loves her. You see, at the end of the phone call, Lynn and the parents
    would always tell each other they love em. Lynn still does, her dad
    still does, but her mom remains silent.
    
    Damn shame, really.
    
    						Hank

    
           I really haven't been following this string on a daily basis,
    but in going back a few,I personally think that there is more
    between Lynn and her mom than just her interfereing with the housework.
    The fact that the mom is now not doing certain things like saying "I
    love you" means that she's very angry. She's got some things going on
    in her head now (real or imagined) and she's obviously using it to 
    'hurt' Lynne. She may not even realize that she's doing this, but then
    again she may realize it and it's been a 'effective' way in the past
    to get her own way. Lynn maybe never noticed it before, or if she did
    it was subconsious and she went back to being what her mom knew her
    as. I think that this needs to be worked out with Lynn and her mom
    somehow. 
    
         The counseling sounds like an excellant idea. This could be a 
    good place for Lynn to see where the 'roots' may be coming from. At
    least she may be able to help matters by being the one who gets
    herself in a healthy space where she can figure out how she'll deal
    with her mom.
    
          Rosie

    Hank,
    
    Far be it from me to say negative things about another's mother, but
    Lynn's mom sounds like an ace manipulator and is trying the same tape
    she has used in the past to get family members "back in line." 
    counseling sounds like a great idea in this case.  
    
    I don't know that Lynn feels like she can do this right now, but when
    my mom pulled this sort of thing, I quit calling, she owed me a phone
    call, and obviously didn't feel the need to be in touch, so I realized
    I didn't "need" that touch either.  This was NOT easy and I don't know
    what I would have done if Dad or she had gotten seriously ill at that
    time, guess one of my siblings would have called eventually.  However,
    it put a stop to her trying to discipline me via silence.  
    
    It also sounds like mom is working herself up to a passive-aggressive
    confrontation.  Best advice I have for Lynn would be to be polite when
    mom calles, and if she is owed a call, to hold off until she gets one. 
    
    
    meg

    Do what you've always done & you'll get what you've always gotten.
    
    I add my vote of support for Lynn, for toughing it out and not
    relapsing into the behavior her mom expects.  It's not easy for
    anybody to change their way of interacting with the world, 
    especially a control freak, especially an older person, and 
    especially not at the behest of a daughter who has no right to 
    make demands (right?!)
    
    I can add my happy ending anecdote for standing up to my mother's
    ceaseless advice.  My 2 sisters are very, very much like my mom 
    (e.g. wash their floors every day and their woodwork every week, and eat
    meat at least once a day).  However, I had about 30 tense years with my
    mother because I was born with a mind of my own. 
    
    After I finally gave up trying to convince her that my way was okay,
    then magically, like the books say, I was able to meet her cutting
    comments with humor.  (Okay, I admit it was somewhat caustic humor at
    first.)   She finally did mostly stop criticizing me for doing things
    "my" way, and I finally stopped minding if a cutting remark
    occassionally leaked out.
    
    My great victory was when I visited her, and she was sick in bed with
    the flu.  I walked into her bedroom, she reached out her hand and said
    (weakly), "Hi, Honey. I'm sorry the house is dirty.  I would have
    cleaned for your sisters, but I knew *you* wouldn't mind."
    
    So why do I remember this as one of the nicest things she ever said to
    me?  Because she was both acknowledging my difference and finding value
    in it, although she clearly didn't approve.  (And, by the way, her house
    wasn't dirty.)
    
    
    
    
    
    

    
    
    	re: .52
    
    	Sounds like your mom's idea of a dirty house is the same
    	as my mom's.  I'll go home for a visit and she'll apologize
    	for the house being such a mess.  And it looks perfectly
    	clean to me!
    
    	As far as my situation with my future MIL I mentioned a few
    	replies back, circumstances have arisen that have made it 
    	impossible for me to treat her with any sense of respect.
    	
    
    	JJ
    

    My mother is a master manipulator and control freak. I moved far away
    from her when I was very young. I went to a counselor and he helped me
    work through this. We went through a very hard time for quite a long
    time until my mother realized that she needed to leave me alone to live
    life. It got soooo bad that when she would 'start' I would simply hang
    up the phone. I had to be firm and consistant. She does start to do it
    every once in a while and I always remember that I don't have to take
    it. I 'can' just hang up. I was with my mother and father in a car once
    last year. They are major interragators. I had just read the book
    celestine prophecy on the plane on the way. I could sit back and look
    at them objectivly instead of getting emotionaly entangled back into
    it. My mother and I today have a pretty good relationship. As long as I
    only see her for a few days every ten years and only speak on the phone
    once in a great while. Life is really tooo short for this and this is
    what I say to her now a days. I just tell her that we need to love each
    other and not get involved in power struggles. She means well.
    
    Take it from me there is a difference between being mild interferance
    and being a major control freak. Especially when she has stayed home
    all these years..never worked a day in her life...never had to pay a
    bill or make any major descisions...never had to go without or really
    work anything major out...who was she to call me and tell me what to do
    or how to do it...she was absolutly clueless as to what I was going
    through or even to what I was trying to do. I was a single mother going
    to school working full time and even had to take care of my own car
    repairs. I had to take a good look at my mother and I had to get over a
    huge hurtles that she put in the way before I could even take calc
    classes because 'she said I couldn't do that' you know girls don't take 
    math...I'm so glad I don't live by her...you know that I can't even 'park'
    a car right when I'm driving...and if I 'don't 'park' the way 'she'
    says I should - then I don't have class...
    
    Anyways it's been years and years since I've had to live this way and
    I'm sooooooooo glad that I don't.
    
    Even so I 'do' in my own way love my mother. I just recognise it for
    what it is...and I don't have to live with it..and that's OK.
           

    Small giggle today, and I did like it.  The weather was threatening, we
    may have a major winter storm moving in and my snow car is in the shop. 
    I took mom to her Dr's appointment, and I had our van, which is not a
    snow car by any imagination.  Her little subararu is, but she actually
    said, "you know if you drive your car, I can't bitch or whine, I can
    only gasp occaisionally.  If you take mine I will bitch about your
    driving, and I know you hate that."  (There is a goddess the snow
    hasn't really hit yet and the roads were only a bit wet when I took her
    out.)  Anyway we took the van and she managed not to plant her foot
    against the floorboards and moan everytime I changed lanes.  She is
    learning.  In fact, and this is a real shocker, I wonder if she is ok,
    she said she appreciated my driving skills, and I was driving in the
    "recent import" area of town, where people still think that residential
    roads are freeways and the onnly way to drive is with your foot on the
    floor and avoiding making eye contact.
    
    I guess after 25+ years of driving she has decided I might know what I
    am doing.  
    
    meg