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Conference thebay::joyoflex

Title:The Joy of Lex
Notice:A Notes File even your grammar could love
Moderator:THEBAY::SYSTEM
Created:Fri Feb 28 1986
Last Modified:Mon Jun 02 1997
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1192
Total number of notes:42769

233.0. "The Mysterious East & West" by ERIS::CALLAS () Thu Sep 04 1986 14:11

	(Mail headers removed -- J.C.)

			Truly Inspired Gibberish
			    by Donald Carroll
			(c) The New York Times

NEW YORK -- I am, perversely perhaps, a collector of malapropisms.
When I left the United States for an extended time, I knew exactly
what I was going to miss most, apart from my family and friends:
American plumbing and telephones, baseball and football, autumn in New
England -- and Howard Cosell, who once called Baltimore "an imbued
city," and who described a thrown bottle as "a dangerous
instrumentality."
	Now that is truly inspired gibberish.  That is what I thought
I would miss.
	But I have had a pleasant surprise.  As people around the
world have come to recognize English as the international _lingua
franca_, they have begun adopting it for the benefit of visitors.  Or,
I should say, adapting it, because the English in most countries has
clearly been tampered with by the gremlin spirits of Mrs. Malaprop and
Mr. Cosell.
	Consider, for example, this advice from the brochure of a car
rental firm in Tokyo:  "When a passenger of foot heave in sight,
tootle the horn.  Trumpet at him melodiously first, but if he still
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
	The next time you take an elevator, you may wish to keep in
mind this notice posted in a hotel elevator in Belgrade:  "To move the
cabin, push button for wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more
persons, each one should press number of wishing floor.  Driving is
then going alphabetically by national order."
	Should your wishing floor be the one with the restaurant on
it, you may be invited to select your meal from among such delicacies
as these found on a menu in a Polish hotel:  salad a firm's own make;
limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; a
slice of bovine meat; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up
in the country people fashion.
	Back in your hotel room, if the hotel is Japanese, you might
well be confronted with a polite warning combined with an impossible
request:  "Is forbitten to steal the hotel towels please.  If you are
not person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
	Or try following these instructions that came with a
step-stool in Taiwan:
	"Step 1.  When you want to open and use it, don't put your
hand on the end of up step board and down step, you must be put your
hands on the fore leg and back leg that between of down cross bar and
seat leg.  O.K.! opening that's right.
	"Step 2.  When you want to take to the other place, pushing
the plate spring with your hand of one, holding the belt with the
other hand, take up the step stool with holding the belt hand.  O.K.!
you are success."
	I don't mean to convey the impression fractured English is the
exclusive domain of people who don't know any better.  In the Louvre
in Paris, among the wonderful works of art, is this
less-than-wonderful work of English:  "We ask to the visitors to take
off their bags and packets of the cloakroom before 4:30."
	And to think the French have the nerve to laugh at those fine
shops in Beverly Hills peddling Objects D'Art and Objet D'Arts!
	I find even more amusing those signs where the language is not
necessarily mangled but where the message is a little different from
what the author intended.  There is, for instance, a dentist in Hong
Kong who advertises:  "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
	There is this alarming sign seen in a Jordanian tailor's shop:
"Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation."
	My favorite sign, however, is not to be found in a dingy back
alley of a faraway place, but in Oxford, England.  On one of the main
streets there is a building that houses two adjacent public toilets.
One of the doors is labeled, not surprisingly, Men.  The other:
Disabled.
	From this, one can only surmise that Oxford women who suddenly
feel a need to park outside the building do not respond to being
tootled melodiously, or even with vigor -- therefore prompting
otherwise gentle Englishmen to grab them with the hand of one, holding
the belt with the other hand, annd to proceed to beat them up in the
country people fashion."
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
DateLines
233.1more from Great BritainDYO780::DYSERTBarry DysertFri Sep 05 1986 13:3835
    That reminds me of a few odd phrases I encountered during a recent
    trip to Great Britain:

    -------------------------

    In Heathrow airport is a sign prohibiting

	"electrical passenger carrying vehicles"

    	(I went through that gate since I was neither electrical nor
    	was I carrying any vehicles.)
    
    -------------------------

    A couple of interesting signs on the rest room stalls.  (These were
    "official" signs - not graffiti.)

	"sorry, not in use"

	(I wondered why they would be sorry no one was using it until
    	I realized that I couldn't use it either - then *I* was sorry.)

	"disabled toilet"

	(I first thought this was another blow for my kidneys but was
    	happy to see that it was fully functional - and how spacious!)
    	

    -------------------------

    And, driving through an apparently nasty area of town...

    	"dead slow children playing"

	(I didn't see any, thank goodness.)
233.2not very far eastSWSNOD::RPGDOCBrains clogged? Call Rent-A-WriterFri Sep 05 1986 14:365
    A malappropriate reference to the "upper" house of the English
    Parliament: 
    
    			The Louse of Hordes
    
233.3Harvard UniversiteBUCKY::MPALMERThu Oct 02 1986 16:2635
    
    I was in Paris a few weeks ago (the week they had all those bombings)
    and noticed the fashion for "things American" to be much more
    popular than it was last year.   Sweatshirts with "Americain" logos
    are very popular and I saw lots of interesting examples.  They 
    almost always have some mistake which makes their true origin 
    obvious.   Quite a few are "university" sweatshirts - usually with
    something spelled wrong.  A few (as nearly as I can remember):
    
    		The Classic     (this is a popular phrase)
        	West Coast
    		University
    		  U S A
    

    		The Classic
    		  EAGLE
    		MOUNTAIN EXPEDITION
    	       [picture of snowy peak]    
    		APPALACHIAN
    		NEVADA
    
    If I had more time it would have been fun to get a collection of
    the funnier examples.

    		But again, who are we to talk when we buy
    		"Haagen Dazs"  ice cream by the ton!
    		Talk about contrived - I don't think those two 
    		words could even *possibly* exist in any nordic 
    		language!  

    		{flame off}
    
    MP    
233.4REGENT::MINOWMartin Minow -- DECtalk EngineeringThu Oct 02 1986 17:489
233.5Herrel's is the bestCACHE::MARSHALLbeware the fractal dragonThu Oct 02 1986 20:357
    Haagen Dazs is a purely american product manufactured in NJ somewhere.
                                                   
                  /
                 (  ___
                  ) ///
                 /
    
233.6BUCKY::MPALMERFri Oct 03 1986 11:3013
    re: .4, .5 
    
    That's just my point.  The irony in the Haagen Dazs name is that
    besides being a bit of chicanery dreamed up soley for marketing
    something not in the least bit "exotic" as such, it was made up by 
    people too ignorant to consider whether their creation could even
    *plausibly* exist in some nordic language!  And it worked!
    It makes one wonder whether the folks who made up the name were
    just ignorant or got some perverse kick out of taking such blatant
    advantage of the ignorance of the American public.
    
    Ah well.  See you at Steve's :-)
    MP
233.7So what's new?APTECH::RSTONEFri Oct 03 1986 12:117
    Re: .6
    
    > ...taking some blatant advantage of the ignorance of the American
    > public.
    
    Isn't that the primary tactic of the Madison Avenue types?
     
233.8An Illusion ShatteredZENSNI::TAVARESJohn--Stay low, keep movingFri Oct 03 1986 13:173
    Thanks, folks.  I always considered Hagen-whatever to be second
    rate stuff, and wondered how the heck someone thought it good enough
    to import.  Sets my mind at eaze...
233.9The Word from Vermont.FOREST::ROGERSFri Oct 03 1986 14:053
On the other hand, there is Ben and Gerrys...

Larry
233.10Lots in a nameSSDEVO::GOLDSTEINFri Oct 03 1986 22:0210
    Ben and Gerrys; that's an honest name for a product; especially
    if it is made by Ben and Gerry.  Did you know that the real name
    of Ralph Lauren, the fashion designer, is Ralph Lipshitz?  Sad
    to say, but few people would go out of their way for an original
    Lipshitz.  "Ralph Lauren" has a vaguely continental sound to it
    - especially to American ears and is therefore more acceptable.
    It isn't dishonest.  It is only unfortunate that the phony is more
    acceptable than the real.
    
    Bernie
233.11Thank you for your support.REGENT::EPSTEINDare to be eclecticMon Oct 06 1986 14:324
Don't forget, the real names of Bartles and Jaymes
are Ernest and Julio...

Bruce
233.12well, it's all in the familyDELNI::GOLDSTEINor someone like himMon Oct 06 1986 14:527
233.13An Original LipshitzKIRK::JOHNSONMatt JohnsonMon Oct 13 1986 15:557
>    to say, but few people would go out of their way for an original
>    Lipshitz.  

    I would!  Lipshitz was a great Soviet futurist/vorticist sculptor!

    
    MATT
233.14Ralph and JaquesSSDEVO::GOLDSTEINMon Oct 13 1986 22:2210
    re: .13
    
    Very good.  That was Jaques Lipshitz.  He would have been upset,
    however, to be described as a Soviet sculptor.  He was from Latvia;
    he emmigrated to Paris early in the century and then to America
    at about the time of the occupation in the '40s.  He lived and worked
    in New York until his death a few years ago.  He is usually described
    as a cubist; what do you mean by "futurist/vorticist"?
    
    Bernie
233.15KIRK::JOHNSONEminent TautologistThu Oct 23 1986 20:428
    My knowledge of Lipshitz is years old, and the cobwebs have gotten
    dusty in those recesses of my mind.  Your description sounds
    more correct.  At least I still remember liking the look of his 
    pieces....
    
    
    MATT (a Modern Studies major in a former life, now merely an 
          occasional fan of JOYOFLEX)
233.16TKOV52::DIAMONDMon Feb 19 1990 11:538
    Re .0
    > ..., but in Oxford, England.  On one of the main
    > streets there is a building that houses two adjacent public toilets.
    > One of the doors is labeled, not surprisingly, Men.  The other:
    > Disabled.
    
    Surely, like "chairmen" and "mankind", the Men label is generic
    and applies equally to both sexes.