Conference thebay::joyoflex

     I used to know a lot of them, but can only recall one:
    
    "I've been kicked out of the embassy," said Tom disconsolately.
    
    -John

    There are a number of them over in the PARVAX::ONELINERS file.
    
    As always, press SELECT (KP7) to add this conference to your notebook...

I learned a lot in Paris, said Tom indifferently.

    
    "I'm a homosexual necrophiliac," said Tom, in dead earnest.
    
    --- jerry

Here's one I made up yesterday, not really a Tom Swifty, but one of those
"IP Daily" book jokes:

	"Working Conditions in the Orient" by Groo Ling

Is this funny ?  Please laugh so I'll know.

/Eric

With acknowledgements to Firesign Theater:

"I wonder where Ruth is?"  Tom said ruthlessly.

re .6: I heard it as, "There's a book missing from my Bible," Tom said 
ruthlessly.

    No, no!
    
    It's "I don't care who fell off the cliff," Tom said ruthlessly.
    
    -bs

    "Did the Babe strike out?" said Tom ruthlessly. 

"Let's steal Dad's pancakes," said Tom syruptitiously.

   "'I'm afraid I've lost my flock,' the shepherd said sheepishly,"
    said Tom swiftly, to avoid feeling sheepish.

    "What's my line," asked Tom breadthlessly.
    
    Bernie

    "I'm late for class," Tom said coursely.

    "I don't like this transmission," Tom said automatically.
    
    "I'll have another cookie anyhow," Tom snapped gingerly.

    "My fingernail fell off," Tom's brother said quickly.
    
    "                      ," Tom said blankly.

"I'm a plumber," he piped.
"Well, I'm a chemist," Tom retorted.

"I'll have a hot dog," he said frankly.
"Give me a Martini," Tom said dryly.
"I just want some candy," she said sweetly.


	Tom "not-so-swift" Speake

    "But I can't afford to buy you a mink coat," shouted Tom furiously.
    
    "That's a very large angle," Tom asserted obliquely.
    
    Bernie

	"And then you press KP7 to add this conference", Tom noted.

Stephen

These are courtesy of my wife Wendy

"I guess the ships are gone," Tom said fleetingly.

"Let's watch some cartoons," Tom said animatedly.

"Why don't we do it in the leaves?" Tom said rakishly.

"Watch out with that knife!" Tom said sharply.

    re: -1
    
    NO, NO!
    
    The first one should be this:
    
    "I think I'm constipated," Tom said fleetingly.
                                 
    -bs

    Re: -.1
    
    "I think I'm constipated," Tom grunted.
    

    Re: -.*
    
    "I think this entry is constipated," Tom noted.
    

    "This entry is closed," said Tom moderately.
    
    MATT 

"Stop the computer," Tom said haltingly.

"I'd do anything for this promotion," Tom said tounge-in-cheek.

    Tom broke in, "I've got the password!"
    
    "I don't like this program," Tom interrupted.
    

might it also be

	"This system has lax security", Tom hacked.

of course,

	"I'd rather be in an Egyptian Port", said Tom.

    "I always like to type without glancing at the keyboard," said Tom,
    touchingly.
    
    "I hate to use sandpaper," Tom gritted.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

      "You must can have them both, or you can have neither, but
      you can't have just one," said Tom inexorably.
      
      Dave C.

    "The printer is down again," Tom muttered listlessly.
    
    	TS

    "I am too tired, Dear," Curtis interrupted.

    -too-ashamed-to-sign-

    

"Uh oh, look at Great Blue Hill, what's coming out the top of it?", he
interrupted.

    "I like my potatoes french fried," said Tom indefatigably.
    
    --- jerry

    "There she blows!" Tom wailed.
    
    "My blood is A negative," Tom typed.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

    "Go to the back of the boat," Tom said sternly.
    
    -Allison

    "Happy Halloween," Tom said spiritedly.
    
    [re -.1] "Go to the front of the boat," Tom said with a bow.
    
    "That's a nice biz-jet," Tom leered.
    
    "I'm in love with ewe, ewe, ewe," Tom said sheepishly.
    
    "The sleeves are too long," Tom said fittingly.
    
    "Does it feel good for you?" Tom asked intensely.
    
    "We don't have earthquakes here," Tom said faultlessly.
    
    "I'd like to write more, "Tom said pensively. 
            
    "Maybe we'll have quadruplets," Tom said forethougtidly.
                                             
    -bs

    I forgot this:
    
    "I like Van Gogh's paintings," Tom said eerily.
    

"I know this has nothing to do with trigonometry, but I sunbathe in the nude." 
said Tom, tangenitally.

    "I'll have to go in the basement to unclog this drain," Tom piped
    up.
    
    "Open this door or I'll break it open!" said Tom abashedly.
    
    "You just gave me the present, and now you want it?", asked Tom,
    taken aback.
    
    "Your car has been repaired," said Tom fixedly.
    
    "Your bread is a little hard, dear," said Tom stonily.

    "I have never liked lox and bagels," said Tom waspishly.

    "Give me a break!," Tom snapped.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    
    

    "I weigh 80 kilos", Tom expounded
    

    Re .41:
    
    Actually, Tom probably weighs 784 Newtons or masses 80 kilograms.  (Is
    that usage of "masses" generally accepted yet?  I've heard it used many
    times in physics classes.) 
    
    
    				-- edp
                               

    The reason "masses" is generally found only in physics classes is that
    only physicists need to make that fine a distinction. The more mudane
    people are generally clever enough to be able to hear what was
    intended.
    
    	Jon 

    Besides, physics professors are generally bad enough at English
    that they use "mass" as a verb.
    
    I just keyboarded that in, having noted it, and will now control-z
    this topic.

    re .44:
    
    > Besides, physics professors are generally bad enough at English
    > that they use "mass" as a verb.
      
    mass _v_. to gather, form, or assemble into a mass.
    
                                                   
                  /
                 (  ___
                  ) ///
                 /
    

    "Can you amass a mass of Bach masses in Mass.?" sighed Tom heavily.

    Re: statement .45, usage .46
    
    Surely "amass" is the verb, "mass" is the noun?
    
    Jeff.

    I've seen it used in a military sense: to mass troops and materiel
    for an operation.  

    re "mass"/"amass":
    
    my dictionary is The American Heritage Dictionary of the English
    Language (Paperback Edition).   [DEC standard issue]
    
    amass - _v_. to accumulate
                            
                                                   
                  /
                 (  ___
                  ) ///
                 /
    

    Yes, "mass" can be used as a verb, meaning "amass", but (as the
    title of my reply implied) it's stretching things to make it mean
    "weigh".
    
    I may weight 14.8 stone or so, but I don't mass about 75 kg.  I
    may, however mass stones weighing 75 kg into one big heap.

    If it's a beam balance, you're measuring mass.  If it depends on
    springs or a pressure pad, you're measuring weight. "Kg" is used
    colloquially to mean "Kg weight", so I don't see what's wrong with
    saying "I weigh n Kg" anymore than "I weigh n pounds" - both are
    equally right or wrong.

    > I may weight 14.8 stone or so, but I don't mass about 75 kg.
    
    Right, you mass about 94 Kg. :-)

    Re .52:
    
    > If it depends on springs or a pressure pad, you're measuring weight.
    
    Actually, you are directly measuring a rotation, which is the result of
    a distance movement, which is the result of a force on a spring, which
    is weight because no other significant forces act on the spring (or
    some similar scenario).  And since you know, with reasonable precision,
    the strength of the gravitational field, you might just as well say you
    are measuring mass as weight, considering how indirectly they are both
    measured. 
    
    
    Re .50:
    
    Webster's indicates slightly different definitions for "mass" and
    "amass"; "amass" means "collect for oneself", "collect into a mass", or
    "come together"; "mass" has a meaning of "form or collect into a mass".
    "Form" seems a bit stronger than "collect". 
    
    > . . . it's stretching things to make it mean "weigh".
    
    Nobody is trying to make "mass" mean "weigh".  The distinction between
    mass and weight is precisely what we are lacking a verb for, which is
    why physicists use "mass" as a verb. 
    
    
    				-- edp 

    Why do physicists need a verb for mass?
    
    "Its mass is 10 kilograms" doesn't seem more difficult to say than
    "It masses 10 kilograms."  Its only advantage seems to be the offense
    it gives to us purists.  Anyway, when I studied physics in the dark
    ages "mass" hadn't yet been verb-alized.  I suppose it is still
    the case that, in spite of what may be spoken in classrooms, journal
    editors make the appropriate corrections.  The trend is clear, though;
    it won't be long before we car to work, door the office, chair,
    desk, and pencil, before we car again so that we can televison and
    beer.  I think I shall sick.
    
    Bernie
    

    Re .55:
    
    English has tens of thousands of words it does not "need".  The "extra"
    words make English unique, giving it a flexibility to grow and adapt to
    new circumstances and the capability of making fine distinctions when
    used properly. 
    
    
    				-- edp

    Re: .56
    
    In my opinion, when we expand the meanings of words or use words
    in different ways (like making nouns and adjectives into verbs)
    we often do little or nothing towards giving the language flexibility
    or the capability of making fine distinctions.  In fact, it often
    has the opposite effect.  It makes it more difficult for us to
    communicate our thoughts and ideas with precision.  If I had not
    been a reader of this notes file and I had heard someone say "It
    masses 10 kilograms," I would not have known what was meant.  I
    would have thought the meaning were "amass."
    
    That is not to say that new words aren't needed; they are essential,
    for example, for new technologies and products.  But the expansion
    of meaning and the shift of parts of speech does not usually enhance
    communication.
    
    I just finished reading a book first published in 1860 ("The Mill
    on the Floss" by George Eliot) and was overwhelmed by the clarity and
    purity of the English.  The situations and emotions she deals with
    are no different from those we encounter today, but the language
    in her hands is a more powerful tool for communication than it is
    in ours.  The difference is not due solely to her superior writing
    ability, for surely there are writers today who are as skilled. 
    An important difference is that she was not handicapped as we are by modern
    trends like the wide acceptance of illogical expansions of meaning
    and useless shifts of parts of speech.
    
    It seems to me that when such changes were made in the past they
    were done for better reasons and were more carefully considered.
    
    By the way, if anyone is interested, Jane Austin, H. G. Wells, and
    Thomas Hardy are also in George Eliot's class; that is they are
    worth reading not only for the quality of their stories but
    also for the quality of their English.  If you want to experience
    the language at its best and see it used with clarity and beauty,
    read anything by any of them.
    
    I appologize to Tom Swift for wandering so far from the topic. 

    Re .57:
    
    > It seems to me that when such changes were made in the past they
    > were done for better reasons and were more carefully considered.
    
    
    				-- edp

    re .57:
    
    I really wish you'd started a new topic. I find this interesting, but
    I'm loathe to contribute to a complete digression. If you move .57 to
    its own topic, we can both delete our replies here and make *some*
    attempt to maintain a train of conversation. 
    
    	Jon

    Hello, you may remember me, I entered reply .41 which started some
    of you off at a tangent. Next time I come up with something remotely
    amusing and relevant to a topic I shall jolly well keep it to myself.
    
    Dave Edwards, Birmingham UK

    Re .60:
    
    "We will stay on course," said Tom, unswervingly.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

    "I used too much glue!" said Tom, sticking to the subject.

    Re .63:
    
    "The feeling is mucilage," said Tom, stickily.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

    "You need to sign here, and below that your spouse needs to cosign,"
    Tom said tangentially.

    "i've got to fill out this insurance form," Tom claimed.
    "let's camp out," said Tom intently.
    "why doesn't this watch work?," Tom whined.
    "look at that truck," said Lorry, Tom's sister, visiting england.
    "this clock is going backwards," said Tom's Aunty Clockwise.
    
    
    		dd

    
    "Strictly speaking, I thought the original concept of this type
    of humor was to parody the propensity for adverbial sentence structure
    in the Tom Swift adventure stories by describing some humorous action
    adverbally." said Tom definitively.
    
    
    

    "I heard reply #67 every Monday!" said Tom weakly.

    
    "I'm dying," he croaked.
    
    "You snake!" she hissed.
    
    MP

    "I'm sorry the knife slipped," Tom said offhandedly.
    
    "Did I say that before?" Tom said again.
    "Did I say that before?" Tom said again.
                          
    
    -bs
    

    "We have to push harder," Tom stressed.
    
    MP

"He has three eyes - and four arms!" Tom freaked.

-Mike

    "What happenned to my Nova?" he exploded.
    
    yucko, that's so bad I don't even like it
    
    Dan

    "I see, Sir," said Tom, the blind man, quite buffly, "Chips with
    everything."
    
    
    Stuart

	I see the tide is ebbing, Tom said kraftily.

    Re .75:
    
    I see the tide is flowing, Tom said soapily.

    "Who stole my suspenders?!", asked Tom, embarassed.
    

    "The bride and groom should stand under this curved structure,"
    said Tom, archly.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    
    "For the last time, - mend your own puncture!", said Tom, flatly.
    
    "It's better in the dark", said Tom, delightedly.
    

    "You can see my fingers are stained," said Tom, didactically.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    "I just got off the jet," Tom explained.
    
    Kate

    "The airplane was a DC-10," Tom exploded.

    "I'll try a baloon next time" said Tom loftily.
    

    "I just cant hit that note", Tom strained.

    "I just cant hit that note", was the tenor of Tom's complaint.

"I just can't hit that half-note," Tom quavered.

Dave C.

"I think I'll write an ode to that conifer", Tom opined.

    
    "Do you remember old whats-his-name?" Tom asked forgetfully.
    

    "This aluminum siding really does come off easily!" Tom decided.

"Yes, I will glue these two layers together again," Tom replied.

    
    I think it's time to discard my two of spades," Tom deduced.

"I can't find my shoes!" said Tom, looking defeated.

"I'll dress warm for the cold weather," said Tom raptly.

"Let's not get into hemlines," said Tom, skirting the issue.

"I'm going to have my teeth cleaned," said Tom implacably.

"I itch all over," said Tom rashly.

"I can't tell which way the wind is blowing," said Tom vainly.

"I refuse to sit with you," said Tom conceitedly.

"This stinks!" said Tom sensibly.


-- Dorian

    
    "I hate jelly fish," wined Tom spinelessly.
    
    "He used to be the president of Uganda," Tom imformed us idiotically.
    
    "There were two skunks," explained Tom distinctly.
    
    
    Bernie

    
    "I'm giving up saunas," said Tom abstemiously.
    
    "Kennedy's been assassinated," said Tom unprecedentedly.
    
    "It was wrong of you to eat that," Tom insinuated.
                                             
    
    -- Dorian

"How did the transplant go?" Tom asked half-heartedly.

(A better version of my last attempt)

"Looks like I need a transplant," Tom said half-heartedly.

"Women should stay in the kitchen," said Tom deliberately.

"Should I continue fishing?" Tom debated.

                    <<< Note 255.96 by VAXWRK::TEDECSTART >>>
"The bog is dry," Tom repeated.

    
    
    "I'd rather ride up on the elevator than ride down", said Tom
    condescendingly.

    
    "This is a real jumping-off place," Tom alleged.
    
    "The whole tribe is doomed," said Tom clandestinely.
    
    "My hands are freezing -- I'm trying to warm them on each other,"
    said Tom intermittently.
    
    -- Dorian

"Try a bite of this apple," Tom insinuated.

"You rapscallion, you," Tom said when he saw his onion on MTV.

    "So you have diabetes," said Tom insolently.
    
    "I'll have to send that code again," said Tom remorsefully.
    
    "I think Ms. Earhart was the greatest," Tom ameliorated.
    
    -- Dorian

             <<< Note 255.27 by INK::KALLIS "Support Hallowe'en" >>>

<    "I always like to type without glancing at the keyboard," said Tom,
<    touchingly.
    
    
	"This typewriter has no "?""  said Tom unquestioningly.    

    "I don't use this workstation's keyboard," said Tom, mousily.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    "I'd like a hot dog," Tom said frankly.
    "But only if it's the right brand," he added swiftly.
    
    "I'm from America," he stated.
    
    "I have jet lag from I just left Japan," he said disorientedly.
    
    "That executable code is magic," he dissembled.
    
    "No one would pay your price for this sword," he parried.
    
    "I can't breathe," he choked.
    
    (re .-dozens) "I hope there will be another mass argument," he prayed.

"My brother! My son! My brother! My son! He's my brother _and_ my son!" Tom
apparently said.

"I can't remember the lyrics to `Tumbling Dice'," Tom said amicably.

"I was amused by `My Life as a Dog'," Tom said waggishly.

    "Surely you won't send me to the principal," said young Heisenberg,
    uncertainly.

    "I'm trying to save for a house," he said intensely.
    
    "You've got class!" he said objectively.
    
    "Did you bury him?" he interrogated.
    
    "I ate too many berries," he rasped.
    
    "Ith THAT language thtill around?" he lisped.
    
    "I definitely have to lose weight!" he said emphatically.

    "Bow wow," said Tom doggedly.
    
    "I'll have a hot dog and the works," said Tom with relish.
    
    "I'll swing by and pick you up in my new ambulance," said Tom hospitably.
    
    
    							Mark

    Q:  What did the agnostic and dyslexic insomniac say after a hard
    night's sleep?
    

    A:  "Is there a dog?" he asked mourningly.

    "At least he won't be writing more `Cantos'," Tom expounded.
    
    "Good fences make good neighbors," Tom stonewalled frostily.
    
    "He, she, it, they," Tom pronounced.
    
    "You've thrown out my furs," Tom determined.
    
    "I've given up bondage," Tom extrapolated.
    

    "These data need stricter error checking," Tom typed.

    "This code must be revised," Tom maintained.
    

    
    	"I wish I could play guitar", fretted Tom.
    
    	"This shirt is filthy!!", Tom shouted.
    
    	"The price tag came off this can", Tom remarked.
    
    	"I said, 'The flowers are dying!!'", Tom repeated.
    
    							GTI
    

    (Sorry, I can't resist this less clever variation.)
    
    "while (1)", Tom repeated.
    
    
    
    "I think this company will make it," Tom ventured.
    "I can't tell you about one of our tankers," Tom leaked.
    "The phone lines are down," Tom called out.
    "Does anyone have a working disk drive?" he paged.
    "I need that file desperately," he rasped.
    "No, its contents aren't secret," he allowed.
    "The password isn't a real word, but uses linguistic techniques
       in order to be easily remembered," he pronounced.
    "Give me a copy of that window," he snapped.
    "I hate cuthtomithing Emacth," he lisped.

    "I guess I really ought to call Mom" Tom muttered.

    "I'm not sure about the answer to this automata problem," said Tom
     haltingly.

    "If there's one play I can't stand, it's Hamlet," said Tom disdainfully.

    "What an awful haircut," said Tom in distress.

    "Let's move in together," Tom insinuated.

    "Perhaps it's time to buy a new mattress," said Tom coyly.

    (or, if you like: "Come on up and see my collection of large
		       exotic goldfish," said Tom coyly.)

    "Your chest is much more developed than mine," Tom said flatteringly.
    
    "I hate Tom Jones!" said Jonathan wildly.
    
    "Get into the shower," Hitchcock said janetly.
    
    "`A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose,'" Tom quoted
    morosely.
    
    "Thank you for the Parmesan," Tom said gratefully.
    
    "Ha!  See!  It IS mightier than the sword," Tom said penetratingly.
    "Wrong!" the Count parried cuttingly.
    "Hell!" Tom fumed.
    
    "Reform, Sadie Thompson," Tom exhorted.
    

    "This writing implement is full of holes," Tom said pensively.
    
    "I better get dressed," Tom said warily.
    
    "My fingernails hurt!" said Tom quickly.
    
    "Curved blades make me ill," Tom said sickly.
    
    "I really like conifers," Tom opined.

    "Hey, that's me!" said Tom swiftly.

Re .118:

>	"Hey, that's me!" said Tom swiftly.

	"That must be the last word!" said Tom finally.

Chris.

P.S. In my defence, I thought of the sentiment before the joke.

    "But we've only just begun!" said Tom, startled. 

    "And I want to do it again and again!" said Tom, continually.
    

    "We all scream for it" said Tom, laconically.

    
    	"I'll bash his ******* head in!", swore Tom.
    
    							GTI
    

                <<< VISA::USER:[NOTES$LIBRARY]JOYOFLEX.NOTE;1 >>>
                              -< The Joy of Lex >-
================================================================================
Note 468.0                          SWIFTIES?                         14 replies
CRONIC::SECURITY                                      8 lines  16-JAN-1988 16:41
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    "Please turn on the light," she said brightly.
    
    "Put that knife down," he demanded sharply.
    
    "Could you please not make so much noise?" he asked quietly.
    
    "I just quit my job," he sighed with resignation.    
================================================================================
Note 468.1                          SWIFTIES?                            1 of 14
ERASER::KALLIS "Has anybody lost a shoggoth?"         9 lines  18-JAN-1988 19:21
                                -< a few more >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "This came from Mr. van Gogh," she said eerily.
    
    "Don't stick out your lips," he said poutily.
    
    "Gentlemen, this is nitroglycerine," he said explosively.
    
    "Get me my steed," he said hoarsely.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
================================================================================
Note 468.2                          SWIFTIES?                            2 of 14
2524::SAVAGE "Neil, @Spit Brook"                      2 lines  18-JAN-1988 19:29
                   -< Conserve disk space; point to the old >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Are these all new, or are some recycled from any of the 72 replies
    to Note 255?
================================================================================
Note 468.3                          SWIFTIES?                            3 of 14
SLTERO::KENAH "Quivering in sympathetic vibration..." 7 lines  20-JAN-1988 00:35
                      -< It seemed obvious to me... :-) >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >Are these all new, or are some recycled from any of the 72 replies
    >to Note 255?
    
     ..."he asked, pointedly."
    
    					andrew
    
================================================================================
Note 468.4                          SWIFTIES?                            4 of 14
MORRIS::SLABOUNTY "A Momentary Lapse of Reason"      13 lines  28-JAN-1988 16:56
                        -< Andy - long time, no hear!! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
        RE: .3
    
    >>Are these all new, or are some recycled from any of the 72 replies
    >>to Note 255?
    >
    >..."he asked, pointedly."
     
                                 That's a classic!!
    
                                                             Shawn L.
    
    
================================================================================
Note 468.5                          SWIFTIES?                            5 of 14
RTOEU3::JPHIPPS "the end is nigh"                     4 lines  29-JAN-1988 12:20
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "oh , no it isn't" , he said rejectedly 
    
    John J
    
================================================================================
Note 468.6                          SWIFTIES?                            6 of 14
CRONIC::SECURITY                                      4 lines  31-JAN-1988 14:15
                                   -< Sorry >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    "I'm sorry I started this before reading all of the old notes,"
    he noted with embarrassment.
    
================================================================================
Note 468.7                          SWIFTIES?                            7 of 14
VIDEO::OSMAN "type video::user$7:[osman]eric.vt240"   3 lines   2-FEB-1988 22:34
                     -< are you old enough to get this ? >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "We all love Frank Sinatra", they sang out dubiously !
    
    /Eric
================================================================================
Note 468.8                          SWIFTIES?                            8 of 14
VIDEO::OSMAN "type video::user$7:[osman]eric.vt240"   5 lines   2-FEB-1988 22:35
                     -< is this clever ?  (I made it up) >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Are you also married ?", asked tom with abandon.
    
    
    
    /Eric
================================================================================
Note 468.9                          SWIFTIES?                            9 of 14
VIDEO::OSMAN "type video::user$7:[osman]eric.vt240"   9 lines   2-FEB-1988 22:39
                          -< water under the bridge >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I heard this one in net.humor:
    
    
    		"We couldn't possibly be in Egyptian waters!", said
    		Tom totally in denial.
    
    
    
    /Eric
================================================================================
Note 468.10                         SWIFTIES?                           10 of 14
LAMHRA::WHORLOW "Progress:=!(going_backwards>coping" 10 lines  10-FEB-1988 08:55
            -< one thing leads to another, they said collectively >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    
>        "I heard this one in net.humor:"  he said, with a catch in his
    voice.
    
    
>    	      '	"We couldn't possibly be in Egyptian waters!", said
>    		Tom totally in denial. ' he quoted to his mummy.

================================================================================
Note 468.11                         SWIFTIES?                           11 of 14
BINKLY::LEVITIN "Sam Levitin -- MAD Scientist"        4 lines  10-FEB-1988 15:02
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
	"How does this chainsaw work?" he asked, offhandedly.

	Credit to (Dr-to-be) David R. Wheeler,
	drw@Xhmeia.Caltech.Edu
================================================================================
Note 468.12                         SWIFTIES?                           12 of 14
LAMHRA::WHORLOW "Progress:=!(going_backwards>coping)" 4 lines  11-FEB-1988 02:11
              -< "Shall I change glues, or stick with this one?" >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I heard an Egyptian Bell" he said when he told his mummy.
    
    
    "I'm left handed" he said, sinisterously
================================================================================
Note 468.13                         SWIFTIES?                           13 of 14
TLE::SAVAGE "Neil, @Spit Brook"                       2 lines  22-FEB-1988 19:15
                               -< But, Judge... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I'm innocent; I don't deserve to be sentenced," he pleaded with
    conviction.
================================================================================
Note 468.14                         SWIFTIES?                           14 of 14
ODIHAM::HILL "Nick Hill - UK Corp. Actts"             8 lines   6-MAY-1988 17:33
                           -< This topic is a trial >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inspired by .13
    
    "Not guilty?" he asked without conviction.

    "Guilty!" said the jury with determination.
    
    "Two hundred and twenty years for parking, house breaking, larceny
    and murder" the judge said in a single sentence.
    
                <<< VISA::USER:[NOTES$LIBRARY]JOYOFLEX.NOTE;1 >>>
                              -< The Joy of Lex >-
================================================================================
Note 835.0                      Is there no end?                       3 replies
FASDER::MTURNER "Mark Turner * DTN 425-3730 * MEL4"  11 lines   8-OCT-1990 16:57
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I just can't decide between Clio and Calliope," Tom mused.
    
    "That guy Liszt never shows up for performances," said
    	Tom disconcertingly.
    
    "I think these trousers need to be taken in," Tom panted.
    
    "When will the alterations be ready," he asked fitfully.
    
    "Someone's ripped Dennis out of the Sunday funnies," said
    	Tom menacingly.
================================================================================
Note 835.1                      Is there no end?                          1 of 3
HERON::BUCHANAN "combinatorial bomb squad"            8 lines   8-OCT-1990 19:13
                           -<  "835.1," Tom noted.  >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
	"Titus!" Tom groaned.

	"Port, Edward & Simon," Tom said.

	"Will they never cease?" Tom wondered.

(but fortunately, they did.)
Andrew.
================================================================================
Note 835.2                      Is there no end?                          2 of 3
FASDER::MTURNER "Mark Turner * DTN 425-3730 * MEL4"   3 lines   9-OCT-1990 15:03
                                -< Migration? >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Oops -- meant to put .0 at the end of 255.n.  Moderator: do 
    you want to move these before Tom Swifties engulf the entire
    Notesfile?
================================================================================
Note 835.3                      Is there no end?                          3 of 3
TKOV51::DIAMOND "This note is illegal tender."        2 lines  11-OCT-1990 00:56
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "", he replied in moderation.
    (Moderator:  please delete this reply when you move .0 and .1.)

    "Uh, please remind me what year will start soon," he asked sheepishly.
    
    "We should plan for internationalisation," he pondered.
    
    "It's an ugly triangle," he said obtusely.
    
    "We have all the symtoms," said Thomas, Thom, and Tommy.
    "But we'll cure it...

       ...We have a punning clan."

     
    
    "We should plan for i18n," he p6d.

    "Where's the roast," asked Tom disjointedly.

    "I'm a faster pilot than you are,"  Tom Swift said airily.
    
    (Having flown my PIK-20D glider for the first time today, things
    like this seem to be popping into my head.)

    > "I'm a faster pilot than you are,"  Tom Swift said airily.
    
    Don't you mean he said it swiftly????
    
    
    
    
    But it's my job to test mattresses!" he lied.
    
    
    "It is illegal to export this code.  However, it is legal to export
    the object code for purposes of authentication.  Of course the code
    has already been developed outside of the U.S.A., but if you copy
    it to the U.S.A., you can't copy it back," he said cryptically.

    G'day,
    
    
        >> "I'm a faster pilot than you are,"  Tom Swift said airily.
    
       > Don't you mean he said it swiftly????
    
         "But I can hover longer", he said hawkishly.
    
    djw
       

>>> "I'm a faster pilot than you are,"  Tom Swift said airily.
    
>> Don't you mean he said it swiftly????
    
>"But I can hover longer", he said hawkishly.
    
"No, *I* can hover longer", he said choppily.

"Maybe, but I'm the best Cruise there is", said Tom.

"That depends on your vantage," Tom said pointedly.

    "I have a new paradym," Tom said shiftily.

  "I followed the list as directed.  It wasn't my fault!" said Tom pointedly.

    Here's your chance to break out of the Notes and into the Big Time!
    
    You may know that New York Magazine runs a biweekly competition.  The
    theme for the issue of 15-July is, you guessed it, Tom Swifties. 
    Here's the announcement:
    
    .....................................................................
    
    	"In that Las Vegas sketch, I had to eat all my gambling markers,"
    	said Mr. Caesar insidiously.
    
    	"The mother of my cousin, she does no longer wear these glasses
    	since she has move' to Paris," said Jacques expectantly.
    
    Above, Tom Swift redux.  Competitors are invited to devise an
    *original* example: one adverb, more than one pun, please.
    
    Competition rules: Postcards, please; typewritten if possible. One
    entry only should be sent to Competition Number 711, New York Magazine,
    755 Second Avenue, New York, N.Y.  10017-5998.  It must be received by
    July 19.  Editors decisions are final, and all entries become the
    property of New York Magazine, and runners-up will receive one-year
    subscriptions.  Results and winners' names will appear in the September
    2 issue.  Out-of-town postmarks are given three days' grace.

    re: .135 -
    
    Here are the 1st prize winners and runners-up. There are also many more
    which won honorable mentions; far too many to type.  See the 2-Sep-91
    issue of New York Magazine, probably no longer at your newstand, but
    maybe at the library.  Or you can wait a couple of years and it might
    show up in your dentist's waiting room.
    
    First Prizes:
    
    	"Tastes great or less filling?" asked Mr. Gallup politely.
    						- Les Greenblatt
    
    	"Here, fish-fish-fish-fish," called Izaak complacently.
    						- Inger Gire
    
    	"I kind of hate to see Mary leave the show," said John Tesh
    	halfheartedly.
    						-Don Wigal
    
    Runner-up Prizes:
    
    	"Sorry, gotta go, I'm flying to New York to perform in Harlem
    	 tonight," said M.C. Hammer apologetically.
    						- Tena Turner [my wife!]
    
    	"Poor Peter, he never heard the crocodile coming," Wendy deadpanned.
    						- Brian L. Simmons
    
    	"That chicken was magnifique," said Jean-Luc apprehensively.
    						- J. Peschock

    "No negroes allowed!" Jim crowed.
    "You can do it!" Pep talked.
    "She sure is feisty!" Tom bouyed.
    "This is a feline smilee." Tom catted.
    "This is a *wild* feline smilee." Bob catted.
    "He is tall, dark and handsome." Dee scribed.
    "I want to have your children!" Dee sired.
    "I'm reporting that graffitti." Dee filed.
    "I'm going to lure them out." said Dee coyly.
    "I'll vote for him." Dee sided.
    "To pee or not to pee?" the Miss quoted.
    "Of course I'll cooperate." Al lied.
    "I heard a rumor about you." Al edged.
    "This is how we program." Flo charted
    "Follow me." the Miss led.  (okok, so "Cool and the Gang" thought it up
    first)
    "This is a soft bed." Matt rested.
    "This isn't digital." Anna logged.

Re: .137

These are not Tom Swifties.  A Tom Swifty requires an adbverb:

"The Jellyfish Float is easy," said Tom bouyantly.

I don't know what the items in .137 are -- is there a name, or are they
something new?

-d

re .-1

> I don't know what the items in .137 are -- is there a name, or are they
> something new?

Judging from the Tom cat and Bob cat entries, I'd imagine that they are 
"smilees".

Larry

    "I'd say he acquitted himself quite well," said Lawrence Walsh prosaicly.
    
    
    
    (Yeah, it took two months too long to come up with this.  Pardon me.)

       "Reduce Costs.  DAMN the aberrations, we MUST reduce our lens
        costs.  Fewer materials.  I know a way," said Fresnel focusedly.
    

	Dan, is that a legit word - "focusedly"?  Just curious, as it's
	not in my decidely poor excuse for a dictionary.    

	Thanks,
	Di

    (-: blush :-)
    
      prolly not
    

    "Will you give me a (*&%(& minute?  I need to get this #$&^%$ picture,"
    Foe cussed.

    "My compiler uses the most modern 1970's technology," he yacced.
    
    "C++ is the worst of the bunch," he objected.
    
    "1993 is the year of the rooster," he crowed.
    
    "Cocaine?  Hmph!" she snorted.
    
    "Shall we look for joy?" he opened.
    
    "That's not a real Swifty," she noted.
    
    "Yeah I know," he replied.
    
    "P.S.," he added.
    
    "At least my dessert is better than yours," he retorted.
    
    "OK OK, you win, just shut up and here's a lens," she said objectively.

    Pirated from someone's .signature:
    
    "Thank you for not smoking," she breathed.

     "Must you smoke?!," she coughed.

    "sh'll sure shell C-shells if you s-link it right," she sighed.

    "To bread!" Tom toasted.

    "Give me those scissors!" Tom snipped.

    "I just love blowing into my straw!" Tom bubbled.

    "Get out of my blacksmith shop!" Tom bellowed.

    "I suppose you want me to draw you a bath," Tom said, drained.

    - Jim

    "I know how to administer CPR," said Tom, repulsively.

    "I can recharge that battery," said Tom, revoltingly.
    

    "And I can lead that battery's charge against the white house,"
    said Tom, revoltingly.
    
    
    "And if you don't like it, I'll write what you can do with yourself
    in lots of little graphic details," said Tom, revoltingly.

    "That does not compute," Tom figured.

    "Her measurements are extraordinary," Tom figured.

    "Your blouse has a very bright purplish blue color," assured Tom.

    - Jim

    "There's no reward for making programs do what we promised,"
    grunted Tom.

    "It's the wind in the chimney," moaned Tom.

    "That's MY fish," Tom carped.

    "Digital will make it up to us someday," he wagered.
    
    "You're lion to me!" he roared.
    
    "And then we ran some more," he continued.
    
    "I knew you might hear me," he allowed.
    
    "<quiet, she'll hear us>" Tom peeped.
    
    "It will hide the beauty of your finger, but let's put this on it,"
    he tendered.
    
    "It tastes like vinegar," he whined.
    
    "Just after this call of nature," he stalled.
    
    "Let's open this one," he elected.
    
    ...`"`"No recursion allowed," he quoted,' he quoted," he quoted,'...

    "I'm afraid the torpedo hit the cruise ship instead of the destroyer,"
    he said submissively.

    - Jim

    "Such a deal!" Tom wagered.
    
    ed

    "Some argument," spat Tom.

    "We have a no-layoff policy," lied the IBM manager.  Argh.
    

    "Windows NT is better," he expounded.
    
    "We got it working there too," she reported.
    
    "It's already been--" she posted.
    
    "I/O's done," he interrupted.
    
    "Action him on it," she verbed.
    
    "The zipper's broken," he snapped.
    
    "You ate my favorite berries," she rasped.
    
    "Ok if I chop down this tree?" he axed.
    
    "We need to cut it smaller," he saw.
    
    "His firewood lasted us a month," she recorded.
    
    "Yes, I'll be careful walking here," he acknowledged.
    
    "The cake tastes awful," she panned.
    
    "Maybe I can pose as a gynecologist," he speculated.

    
    In the next reply I have placed the results of a little experimenting 
    which I did.

    The Tom Swifts in the previous 165 replies have been divided into
    different categories (e.g. those based on adverbs, verbs etc), and
    within each category, are then listed under the 'keyword' of the TS.

    This means that if you want to know whether a specific TS has already
    been entered you can look it up.

    The bulk of the work was done by a program (invert the last word of the
    TS and sort), with a fair bit of human intervention after. Perhaps
    seeing them presented like this will inspire others to think up some
    more. Keep them coming. 
    
    -Sim Lee

VERB + ADVERB
-------------

abashedly.          "Open this door or I'll break it open !" said Tom abashedly.
abstemiously.       "I'm giving up saunas," said Tom abstemiously.
amicably.           "I can't remember the lyrics to `Tumbling Dice'," Tom
			said amicably.
animatedly.         "Let's watch some cartoons," Tom said animatedly.
apologetically.     "Sorry, gotta go, I'm flying to New York to perform in
			Harlem tonight," said M.C. Hammer apologetically.
apprehensively.     "That chicken was magnifique," said Jean-Luc apprehensively.
archly.             "The bride and groom should stand under this curved
			structure," said Tom, archly.
automatically.      "I don't like this transmission," Tom said automatically.
blankly.            "           ," Tom said blankly.
bouyantly.          "The Jellyfish Float is easy," said Tom bouyantly.
breathlessly.       "What's my line," asked Tom breathlessly.
brightly.           "Please turn on the light," she said brightly.
choppily.           "No, *I* can hover longer", he said choppily.
clandestinely.      "The whole tribe is doomed," said Tom clandestinely.
clockwise.          "This clock is going backwards," said Tom's Aunty Clockwise.
complacently.       "Here, fish-fish-fish-fish," called Izaak complacently.
conceitedly.        "I refuse to sit with you," said Tom conceitedly.
condescendingly.    "I'd rather ride up on the elevator than ride down",
			said Tom condescendingly.
continually.        "And I want to do it again and again !" said Tom,
			continually.
coursely.           "I'm late for class," Tom said coursely.
coyly.              "I'm going to lure them out." said Dee coyly.
coyly.              "Perhaps it's time to buy a new mattress," said Tom coyly.
coyly.              "Come on up and see my collection of large exotic
			goldfish," said Tom coyly.
crestfallenly.      "I dropped my toothpaste," said Tom crestfallenly.
cryptically.        "It is illegal to export this code. However, it is
			legal to export the object code for purposes of
                        authentication.  Of course the code has already
                        been developed outside of the U.S.A., but if you
                        copy it to the U.S.A., you can't copy it back, ,"
                        he said cryptically.
cuttingly.          "Wrong !" the Count parried cuttingly.
definitively.       "Strictly speaking, I thought the original concept of
			this type of humor was to parody the propensity for
                        adverbial sentence structure in the Tom Swift
                        adventure stories by describing some humorous
                        action adverbally    ," said Tom definitively.
deliberately.       "Women should stay in the kitchen," said Tom deliberately.
delightedly.        "It's better in the dark", said Tom, delightedly.
didactically.       "You can see my fingers are stained," said Tom,
			didactically.
disconcertingly.    "That guy Liszt never shows up for performances," said
			Tom disconcertingly.
disconsolately.     "I've been kicked out of the embassy," said Tom
			disconsolately.
disdainfully.       "If there's one play I can't stand, it's Hamlet," said
			Tom disdainfully.
disjointedly.       "Where's the roast," asked Tom disjointedly.
disorientedly.      "I have jet lag from I just left Japan," he said
			disorientedly.
distinctly.         "There were two skunks," explained Tom distinctly.
doggedly.           "Bow wow," said Tom doggedly.
dryly.              "Give me a Martini," Tom said dryly.
dubiously.          "We all love Frank Sinatra", they sang out dubiously.
eerily.             "This came from Mr. van Gogh," she said eerily.
eerily.             "I like Van Gogh's paintings," Tom said eerily.
emphatically.       "I definitely have to lose weight !" he said emphatically.
expectantly.        "The mother of my cousin, she does no longer wear these
			glasses since she has move' to Paris," said Jacques
                        expectantly.   
explosively.        "Gentlemen, this is nitroglycerine," he said explosively.
faultlessly.        "We don't have earthquakes here," Tom said faultlessly.
finally.            "That must be the last word !" said Tom finally.
fitfully.           "When will the alterations be ready," he asked fitfully.
fittingly.          "The sleeves are too long," Tom said fittingly.
fixedly.            "Your car has been repaired," said Tom fixedly.
flatly.             "For the last time - mend your own puncture !", said
			Tom, flatly.
flatteringly.       "Your chest is much more developed than mine," Tom said
			flatteringly.
fleetingly.         "I think I'm constipated," Tom said fleetingly.
fleetingly.         "I guess the ships are gone," Tom said fleetingly.
forethougtidly.     "Maybe we'll have quadruplets," Tom said forethougtidly.
forgetfully.        "Do you remember old whats-his-name ?" Tom asked
			forgetfully.
frankly.            "I'd like a hot dog," Tom said frankly.
frankly.            "I'll have a hot dog," he said frankly.
frostily.           "Good fences make good neighbors," Tom stonewalled frostily.
furiously.          "But I can't afford to buy you a mink coat," shouted
			Tom furiously.
gingerly.           "I'll have another cookie anyhow," Tom snapped gingerly.
gratefully.         "Thank you for the Parmesan," Tom said gratefully.
half-heartedly.     "Looks like I need a transplant," Tom said half-heartedly.
half-heartedly.     "How did the transplant go ?" Tom asked half-heartedly.
halfheartedly.      "I kind of hate to see Mary leave the show," said John
			Tesh halfheartedly.
haltingly.          "Stop the computer," Tom said haltingly.
haltingly.          "I'm not sure about the answer to this automata
                        problem," said Tom haltingly.
hawkishly.          "But I can hover longer", he said hawkishly.
hoarsely.           "Get me my steed," he said hoarsely.
hospitably.         "I'll swing by and pick you up in my new ambulance,"
                        said Tom hospitably.
idiotically.        "He used to be the president of Uganda," Tom informed
			us idiotically.
implacably.         "I'm going to have my teeth cleaned," said Tom implacably.
indefatigably.      "I like my potatoes french fried," said Tom indefatigably.
indifferently.      "I learned a lot in Paris, said Tom indifferently.
inexorably.         "You must can have them both, or you can have neither,
			but you can't have just one," said Tom inexorably.
insidiously.        "In that Las Vegas sketch, I had to eat all my gambling
			markers," said Mr. Caesar insidiously.
insolently.         "So you have diabetes," said Tom insolently.
intensely.          "I'm trying to save for a house," he said intensely.
intensely.          "Does it feel good for you ?" Tom asked intensely.
intently.           "Let's camp out," said Tom intently.
intermittently.     "My hands are freezing - I'm trying to warm them on
                        each other," said Tom intermittently.
janetly.            "Get into the shower," Hitchcock said janetly.
kraftily.           "I see the tide is ebbing," Tom said kraftily.
laconically.        "We all scream for it" said Tom, laconically.
listlessly.         "The printer is down again," Tom muttered listlessly.
loftily.            "I'll try a balloon next time" said Tom loftily.
menacingly.         "Someone's ripped Dennis out of the Sunday funnies,"
                        said Tom menacingly.
moderately.         "This entry is closed," said Tom moderately.
morosely.           "`A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose,'" Tom
                        quoted morosely.
mousily.            "I don't use this workstation's keyboard," said Tom,
                        mousily.
objectively.        "You've got class !" he said objectively.
objectively.        "OK OK, you win, just shut up and here's a lens," she
                        said objectively.
obliquely.          "That's a very large angle," Tom asserted obliquely.
obtusely.           "It's an ugly triangle," he said obtusely.
offhandedly.        "I'm sorry the knife slipped," Tom said offhandedly.
offhandedly.        "How does this chainsaw work ?" he asked, offhandedly.
penetratingly.      "Ha ! See ! It IS mightier than the sword," Tom said
                        penetratingly.
pensively.          "This writing implement is full of holes," Tom said
                        pensively.
pensively.          "I'd like to write more, "Tom said pensively.
pointedly.          "I followed the list as directed. It wasn't my fault !"
                        said Tom pointedly.
pointedly.          "That depends on your vantage," Tom said pointedly.
politely.           "(Les Greenblatt) Tastes great or less filling ?" asked
                        Mr. Gallup politely.
poutily.            "Don't stick out your lips," he said poutily.
prosaicly.          "I'd say he acquitted himself quite well," said
                        Lawrence Walsh prosaicly.
quickly.            "My fingernails hurt !" said Tom quickly.
quickly.            "My fingernail fell off," Tom's brother said quickly.
quietly.            "Could you please not make so much noise ?" he asked
                        quietly.
rakishly.           "Why don't we do it in the leaves ?" Tom said rakishly.
raptly.             "I'll dress warm for the cold weather," said Tom raptly.
rashly.             "I itch all over," said Tom rashly.
rejectedly.         "Oh, no it isn't," he said rejectedly.
remorsefully.       "I'll have to send that code again," said Tom remorsefully.
repulsively.        "I know how to administer CPR," said Tom, repulsively.
revoltingly.        "And I can lead that battery's charge against the white
                        house," said Tom, revoltingly.
revoltingly.        "I can recharge that battery," said Tom, revoltingly.
revoltingly.        "And if you don't like it, I'll write what you can do
                    with yourself in lots of little graphic details," said
                        Tom, revoltingly.   
ruthlessly.         "I don't care who fell off the cliff," Tom said ruthlessly.
ruthlessly.         "Did the Babe strike out ?" said Tom ruthlessly.
ruthlessly.         "There's a book missing from my Bible," Tom said ruthlessly.
ruthlessly.         "I wonder where Ruth is ?" Tom said ruthlessly.
sensibly.           "This stinks !" said Tom sensibly.
sharply.            "Put that knife down," he demanded sharply.
sharply.            "Watch out with that knife !" Tom said sharply.
sheepishly.         "I'm in love with ewe, ewe, ewe," Tom said sheepishly.
sheepishly.         "Uh, please remind me what year will start soon," he
                        asked sheepishly.
shiftily.           "I have a new paradigm," Tom said shiftily.
sickly.             "Curved blades make me ill," Tom said sickly.
sinisterously.      "I'm left handed" he said, sinisterously.
soapily.            "I see the tide is flowing," Tom said soapily.
spinelessly.        "I hate jelly fish," wined Tom spinelessly.
spiritedly.         "Happy Halloween," Tom said spiritedly.
sternly.            "Go to the back of the boat," Tom said sternly.
stickily.           "The feeling is mucilage," said Tom, stickily.
stonily.            "Your bread is a little hard, dear," said Tom stonily.
submissively.       "I'm afraid the torpedo hit the cruise ship instead of
                        the destroyer," he said submissively.
sweetly.            "I just want some candy," she said sweetly.
swiftly.            "Hey, that's me !" said Tom swiftly.
swiftly.            "But only if it's the right brand," he added swiftly.
syruptitiously.     "Let's steal Dad's pancakes," said Tom syruptitiously.
tangenitally.       "I know this has nothing to do with trigonometry, but I
                        sunbathe in the nude." said Tom, tangenitally.
tangentially.       "You need to sign here, and below that your spouse
                        needs to cosign," Tom said tangentially.
tongue-in-cheek.    "I'd do anything for this promotion," Tom said
                        tongue-in-cheek.
touchingly.         "I always like to type without glancing at the
                        keyboard," said Tom, touchingly.
uncertainly.        "Surely you won't send me to the principal," said young
                        Heisenberg, uncertainly.
unprecedentedly.    "Kennedy's been assassinated," said Tom unprecedentedly.
unquestioningly.    "This typewriter has no '?'" said Tom unquestioningly.
unswervingly.       "We will stay on course," said Tom, unswervingly.
vainly.             "I can't tell which way the wind is blowing," said Tom
                        vainly.
waggishly.          "I was amused by `My Life as a Dog'," Tom said waggishly.
warily.             "I better get dressed," Tom said warily.
waspishly.          "I have never liked lox and bagels," said Tom waspishly.
weakly.             "I heard reply #67 every Monday !" said Tom weakly.
wildly.             "I hate Tom Jones !" said Jonathan wildly.

VERB+past-tense
---------------

acknowledged.       "Yes, I'll be careful walking here," he acknowledged.
added.              "P.S.," he added.
alleged.            "This is a real jumping-off place," Tom alleged.
allowed.            "No, its contents aren't secret," he allowed.
allowed.            "I knew you might hear me," he allowed.
ameliorated.        "I think Ms. Earhart was the greatest," Tom ameliorated.
assured.            "Your blouse has a very bright purplish blue color,"
                        Tom assured.
axed.               "Ok if I chop down this tree ?" he axed.
bellowed.           "Get out of my blacksmith shop !" Tom bellowed.
breathed.           "Thank you for not smoking," she breathed.
broke in.           Tom broke in, "I've got the password !"
bubbled.            "I just love blowing into my straw !" Tom bubbled.
buoyed.             "She sure is feisty !" Tom buoyed.
called out.         "The phone lines are down," Tom called out.
carped.             "That's MY fish," Tom carped.
catted.             "This is a feline smilee." Tom catted.
catted.             "This is a *wild* feline smilee." Bob catted.
charted.            "This is how we program." Flo charted.
choked.             "I can't breathe," he choked.
claimed.            "I've got to fill out this insurance form," Tom claimed.
continued.          "And then we ran some more," he continued.
coughed.            "Must you smoke !," she coughed.
croaked.            "I'm dying," he croaked.
crowed.             "1993 is the year of the rooster," he crowed.
crowed.             "No negroes allowed !" Jim crowed.
deadpanned.         "Poor Peter, he never heard the crocodile coming,"
                        Wendy deadpanned.
debated.            "Should I continue fishing ?" Tom debated.
decided.            "This aluminum siding really does come off easily !"
                        Tom decided.
deduced.            "I think it's time to discard my two of spades," Tom
                        deduced.
defeated.           "I can't find my shoes !" said Tom, looking defeated.
determined.         "You've thrown out my furs," Tom determined.
dissembled.         "That executable code is magic," he dissembled.
edged.              "I heard a rumor about you." Al edged.
elected.            "Let's open this one," he elected.
exhorted.           "Reform, Sadie Thompson," Tom exhorted.
explained.          "I just got off the jet," Tom explained.
exploded.           "What happened to my Nova ?" he exploded.
exploded.           "The airplane was a DC-10," Tom exploded.
expounded.          "Windows NT is better," he expounded.
expounded.          "At least he won't be writing more `Cantos'," Tom expounded.
expounded.          "I weigh 80 kilos", Tom expounded.
extrapolated.       "I've given up bondage," Tom extrapolated.
figured.            "Her measurements are extraordinary," Tom figured.
figured.            "That does not compute," Tom figured.
filed.              "I'm reporting that graffiti." Dee filed.
freaked.            "He has three eyes - and four arms !" Tom freaked.
fretted.            "I wish I could play guitar", Tom fretted.
fumed.              "Hell !" Tom fumed.
gritted.            "I hate to use sandpaper," Tom gritted.
grunted.            "There's no reward for making programs do what we
                        promised," Tom grunted.
hacked.             "This system has lax security", Tom hacked.
hissed.             "You snake !" she hissed.
insinuated.         "Try a bite of this apple," Tom insinuated.
insinuated.         "It was wrong of you to eat that," Tom insinuated.
insinuated.         "Let's move in together," Tom insinuated.
interrogated.       "Did you bury him ?" he interrogated.
interrupted.        "I am too tired, Dear," Curtis interrupted.
interrupted.        "I don't like this program," Tom interrupted.
interrupted.        "I/O's done," he interrupted.
leaked.             "I can't tell you about one of our tankers," Tom leaked.
led		    "Follow me." the Miss led. 
leered.             "That's a nice biz-jet," Tom leered.
lied.               "I'm a faster pilot than you are," Tom Swift said
                        airily. But it's my job to test mattresses !" he lied.
lied.               "Of course I'll cooperate." Al lied.
lisped.             "I hate cuthtomithing Emacth," he lisped.
lisped.             "Ith THAT language thtill around ?" he lisped.
logged.             "This isn't digital." Anna logged.
maintained.         "This code must be revised," Tom maintained.
moaned.             "It's the wind in the chimney," Tom moaned.
mused.              "I just can't decide between Clio and Calliope," Tom mused.
muttered.           "I guess I really ought to call Mom" Tom muttered.
noted.              "And then you press KP7 to add this conference", Tom noted.
noted.              "That's not a real Swifty," she noted.
objected.           "C++ is the worst of the bunch," he objected.
opened.             "Shall we look for joy ?" he opened.
opined.             "I think I'll write an ode to that conifer", Tom opined.
opined.             "I really like conifers," Tom opined.
paged.              "Does anyone have a working disk drive ?" he paged.
panned.             "The cake tastes awful," she panned.
panted.             "I think these trousers need to be taken in," Tom panted.
parried.            "No one would pay your price for this sword," he parried.
peeped.             "<quiet, she'll hear us>" Tom peeped.
piped.              "I'm a plumber," he piped.
piped up.           "I'll have to go in the basement to unclog this drain,"
                        Tom piped up.
pondered.           "We should plan for internationalisation," he pondered.
posted.             "It's already been--" she posted.
prayed.             "I hope there will be another mass argument," he prayed.
pronounced.         "He, she, it, they," Tom pronounced.
pronounced.         "The password isn't a real word, but uses linguistic
                    techniques in order to be easily remembered," he
                        pronounced.   
quavered.           "I just can't hit that half-note," Tom quavered.
quoted.             "To pee or not to pee ?" the Miss quoted.
quoted,'...         ...`"`"No recursion allowed," he quoted,' he quoted,"
                        he quoted,'...
rasped.             "I need that file desperately," he rasped.
rasped.             "You ate my favorite berries," she rasped.
rasped.             "I ate too many berries," he rasped.
recorded.           "His firewood lasted us a month," she recorded.
remarked.           "The price tag came off this can", Tom remarked.
repeated.           "The bog is dry," Tom repeated.
repeated.           "I said, 'The flowers are dying !'", Tom repeated.
repeated.           "While (1)", Tom repeated.
replied.            "Yes, I will glue these two layers together again," Tom
                        replied.
replied.            "Yeah I know," he replied.
reported.           "We got it working there too," she reported.
rested.             "This is a soft bed." Matt rested.
retorted.           "At least my dessert is better than yours," he retorted.
retorted.           "Well, I'm a chemist," Tom retorted.
roared.             "You're lion to me !" he roared.
said.               "I'd rather be in an Egyptian Port", Tom said.
said.               "My brother ! My son ! My brother ! My son ! He's my
                        brother _and_ my son !" Tom apparently said.
said.               "Port, Edward & Simon," Tom said.
said.               "Maybe, but I'm the best Cruise there is", Tom said.
saw.                "We need to cut it smaller," he saw.
scribed.            "He is tall, dark and handsome." Dee scribed.
shouted.            "This shirt is filthy !", Tom shouted.
sided.              "I'll vote for him." Dee sided.
sighed.             "Sh'll sure shell C-shells if you s-link it right," she
                        sighed.
sired.              "I want to have your children !" Dee sired.
snapped.            "Give me a break !," Tom snapped.
snapped.            "Give me a copy of that window," he snapped.
snapped.            "The zipper's broken," he snapped.
snipped.            "Give me those scissors !" Tom snipped.
snorted.            "Cocaine ? Hmph !" she snorted.
spat.               "Some argument," Tom spat.
speculated.         "Maybe I can pose as a gynecologist," he speculated
stalled.            "Just after this call of nature," he stalled.
stated.             "I'm from America," he stated.
strained.           "I just cant hit that note", Tom strained.
stressed.           "We have to push harder," Tom stressed.
talked.             "You can do it !" Pep talked.
tendered.           "It will hide the beauty of your finger, but let's put
                        this on it," he tendered.
toasted.            "To bread !" Tom toasted.
typed.              "My blood is A negative," Tom typed.
typed.              "These data need stricter error checking," Tom typed.
ventured.           "I think this company will make it," Tom ventured.
verbed.             "Action him on it," she verbed.
wagered.            "Such a deal !" Tom wagered.
wagered.            "Digital will make it up to us someday," he wagered.
wailed.             "There she blows !" Tom wailed.
whined.             "Why doesn't this watch work ?," Tom whined.
whined.             "It tastes like vinegar," he whined.
wondered.           "Will they never cease ?" Tom wondered.
yacced.             "My compiler uses the most modern 1970's technology,"
                        he yacced.

VERB+past-participle
-------------------

drained.            "I suppose you want me to draw you a bath," Tom said,
                        drained.
embarrassed.        "Who stole my suspenders  ?", asked Tom, embarrassed.
startled.           "But we've only just begun !" said Tom, startled.
taken aback.        "You just gave me the present, and now you want it ?",
                        asked Tom, taken aback.

VERB+present-participle
----------------------- 

skirting.           "Let's not get into hemlines," said Tom, skirting the issue.
sticking.           "I used too much glue !" said Tom, sticking to the subject.
visiting.           "Look at that truck," said Lorry, Tom's sister,
                        visiting England.

PREPOSITIONAL-PHRASE
--------------------

abandon, with.      "Are you also married  ?", asked Tom with abandon.
bow, with.          "Go to the front of the boat," Tom said with a bow.
conviction, with.   "I'm innocent; I don't deserve to be sentenced," he
                        pleaded with conviction.
conviction, without."Not guilty ?" he asked without conviction.
denial, in.         "We couldn't possibly be in Egyptian waters !", said
                        Tom, totally in denial.
determination, with."Guilty !" said the jury with determination.
distress, in.       "What an awful haircut," said Tom in distress.
earnest, in.        "I'm a homosexual necrophiliac," said Tom, in dead earnest.
relish, with.       "I'll have a hot dog and the works," said Tom with relish.
resignation, with.  "I just quit my job," he sighed with resignation.
sentence, in a.     "Two hundred and twenty years for parking, 
			house breaking, larceny and murder" the judge said
                        in a single sentence.   

MISCELLANEOUS
-------------

                    "You rapscallion, you," Tom said when he saw his onion
                        on MTV.
                    "I heard an Egyptian Bell" he said when he told his mummy.
                    "We have all the symptoms," said Thomas, Thom, and Tommy.
                    "I just can't hit that note", was the tenor of Tom's
                        complaint.

    "He got nailed," said Tom tactlessly.
    
    "She'll look nice in pictures," Tom supposed.
    
    "314159," Tom said pointlessly.
    
    "OK, I guess I'll join the game," he said sportingly.
    
    "Michael Jackson #%&(*&^," he said badly.
    
    "It's for a bicycle," he spoke.
    
    "Just stare at it until you have it memorized," he wrote.
    
    "You're going to look it up some day," he predicted.
    
    "Let's play lexical games," he said livelily.
    
    "The USSR is gone!" he said ecstaticly.
    
    "28.4 grams," he announced.
    
    "It's mostly food poisoning," said Tom mainly.
    
    "Oh, it's the alarm clock," he said mournfully.
    
    "It's the same in Fahrenheit as in Celsius," he said coldly.
    
    "...Arnold Schwarzenegger still isn't back yet..." he repeated interminably.
    
    "So what do you think of my cooking?" he broached.
    
    "These are the best brooms in the world," he said sweepingly.
    
    "Then I was paid to do gardening," he proceeded.
    
    "Yes, in the biblical sense," he intimated.
    
    "Welcome to my bakery," he said with a flourish.
    
    "Your fees are too expensive," he said beratingly.

    "I want dessert!" I screamed.
    
    "You deserved that kick," she asserted.

    "What's the matter?" he asked energeticly.
    
    -----
    
    "A perfect strawberry," she phrased.
    
    "Uh, do da' cat," he sang.
    
    "Just one more Greek letter and we're done," she sighed.

    >>"A perfect strawberry," she phrased.
    
    	?
    
    >>"Uh, do da' cat," he sang.
    
    	??
    

    >>"A perfect strawberry," she phrased.
    
    >>	?
    

    'Cuz of "fraise"?    

    Okay, I get it now -- both of 'em are fractured French.
    
    					andrew

    "It's a steel," he said ironically.
    
    "To find the holy grail?" she questioned.
    
    "I'd like to see the holy grail too," he requested.
    
    "Anyone have a pen?" she inquired.
    
    "Can you sing?" he inquired.
    
    "I rap with Ice T," said Swift T.
    
    "I see, Lee," she said icily.
    
    "Which style of lamp do you prefer?" he asked politely.
    
    "I help him steal," she corroborated.
    
    "You're too chicken to do it," he said daringly.
    
    "I'm not worthy of your magnificent shoe repair work," she said soulfully.
    
    "Three no trump," he said gamely.
    
    "Four clubs," she said forbiddingly.
    
    "Four spades," he trumpeted.
    
    "Seven no trump," she said grandly.

    "Let's add another layer," I replied.
    
    "99 44/100 % pure," she said suddenly.
    
    "It floats," he said lightly.
    
    "I said walk, not run," she said pedantly.
    
    "The new grounding strap works," he said ecstatically.
    
    "The color saturation is better," she said humorously.
    
    "These are my brothers and sisters," he related.
    
    "Another drill," she said, bored.
    
    "One of Hofstadter's examples has contains two verbs," he said verbosely.
    
    "May you go six below the home position and then to the end of the line,"
          she cursed.
    
    "Joseph rules," he said jokingly.
    
    "I am the master of my destiny," she counterfeited.
    
    "I'll be --"   "Cut!" he terminated.

    "Sibling of mine, `pedantly' does not describe having fun on foot," she
    pedantically insisted.

    Isn't a pedantic a caper executed while afoot?

    Yeech, I hate capers. I think they're aptly named, because eating them
    should be outlawed.

    Sorry folks, that's just the way I see it.

    - Jim

    Batman's sartorial assistants would be appalled.  The only person I can
    think of who would want to eat a caper is a hatter who's thinking of
    branching out.

Here are a few contributions from me. The last three are courtesy of a
friend. 


"This quadratic equation has no real roots," said the mathematician absurdly.

"Now we'll have to start eating the albatross," said the Ancient Mariner's
    two assistants alternately.

"I got out of Hampton Court by laying down a trail the second time," Tom
    remarked amazed.

"I covered my source of inspiration with a dark blanket and now I can't write
    anymore," he mused appalled.

"I create non-representational images of marine life," said the sculptor
    artificially.

"This harpsicord is out of tune," complained Bach bad-temperedly.

" ...and then my mother said ... " continued the dentist to his patient
    boringly.

"I'm here to collect the latest edition of my book of logarithms," said Napier
    comfortably.

"There's no feeling so secure,
 As that of sipping clear colourless liqueur," said the poet controversially.
    (A failed attempt at "cointreau-versally")

"I can't find my husband anywhere," repeated Mrs. Dracula countlessly.

"I have a problem with mould on the walls," said the Baron to his guest, rising
    damply to greet him.

"I was a broken man once they took away my cattle farm," said the cowboy
    deranged. 

"We need to re-start the SALT talks," said Tom disarmingly. 

"I suppose I'll eventually get married to Bruce," announced the Kung Fu
    film-star's girlfriend engagingly. 

"This area of California is completely free from earthquakes," said the 
    real-estate agent, quoting faultlessly from the geological survey.

"Will you help us with a donation to establish an institute for the
    exceptionally talented," asked the fundamentally gifted person.

"I'm really pleased by your offer to help, but make sure all the cheese is
    properly done," Tom said gratefully.

"Let's give the waiter a tip," suggested Tom gratuitously.

"I like patting ponies," said Tom softly, feeling a little hoarse.

"I'm so happy she's put a picture of me in her locket," said Tom independently.

"I'm not really breaking the law selling you these birds; you see, they're sick,
    not healthy," Tom said, trading illegally.

"I lozt control of the chariot and enbeb uq in the waterway," wrote the dyslexic
    Roman gladiator, filling out his insurance claim on the spot, inadequately.

"This is the most satisfying sex I've had in a long time," Tom gasped
    insufficiently. 

"I can't get my hair to stay in that shape," Tom said jealously.

"I pride myself in my ability to slit people's throats with humour," said the
    hired-killer, jocularly vain. 

"This is the format I want my poem layed out in ! It's the format I used the
    last time, and I won a prize then," said the poet, and left justified.

"This workstation has such a fast electron-gun that you can do excellent 3-D
    motion graphics on it," replied the DEC salesman refreshingly quickly.

"You can sleep on this bed as many times as you like," Tom said reliably.

"It's impossible to play Chopin's 'Minute Waltz' in one minute," said the
    musician restlessly.

"I love the funny way my new Italian boyfriend twitches his head," she said
    romantically.

"'Tilly, Tilly, Tilly, Tilly, Tilly' is an ode to my wife in iambic
    pentametres," explained the usually nude post-modern poet, scantily clad.
    (_is_ this an iambic pentametre ?)

"I come as a consultant from another country to offer my very valuable
    services," said the contractor self-importantly.

"I'm going to set up my own shop," said every trawler owner, selfishly
    competitive.

"I'm glad that in my old age I'm getting to visit the place which is the
    setting for one of my most famous detective stories," said Agatha Christie
    senilely.

"Don't go yourself. Get one of your brothers or sisters to go for you," she
    advised sensibly.

"I'm determined to get over my schizophrenia," said Tom single-mindedly.

"My hives and their contents are my life. You can't take them away from me !"
    said the apiarist unbelievingly. 

"We'll never be able to raise the Titanic," said the captain unfathomably.

"Me ma's ma ain't here," said the boy ungrammatically.

"Ursula the wicked sea witch just had all my deckhands for dinner," said Tom
    excruciatingly 

"It's between my mother and father," said Tom transparently.

"That Norwegian Blue is not dead," the salesman opined.
    (for Monty Python fans only) .

    "This quadratic equation has no real roots," said the mathemtatian
    imaginatively.
    

    "This quadratic equation has no real roots," i said imaginatively.

    181: wow, did I mutilate "mathematician"
    
    It's my keyboard's fault.  :-)
    
    ed

    Re .181, .183
    
    >It's my keyboard's fault.  :-)
    
    "Was not," it dispelled.
    "I'm working fine," it transmitted faultlessly.
    "In fact I'd like more challenging work," said the key, bored.
    "But I know it's hopeless," said the key, depressed.
    "Oh well, on to the next note," it shifted.
    
    
    
    
    [Sorry for the delay.]

    "Thank you, thank you for your generous applause.  Please keep on
    eating your filets.  Thank you.  Well as promised, I was asked to give
    this major address to you this evening on the relationship between
    typing skill and proficiency in the use of DIGITAL's oldest groupware
    product ..." said the KeyNote speaker.
    

After careful consideration :-), I've decided that this doesn't merit
its own topic...  And I am sure you will agree, just a few screens
from now.

Last weekend, my wife & I took our two daughters & their respective
menfolk out for a gourmet dinner in San Mateo CA (231 Ellsworth --
well worth a visit if you can!).  The entire meal -- a total delight
-- took about 4 hours, the last of which we spent in happy creation of
what Jodie called "Linguistic Tom Swifties," a dubious art-form
created by one of her colleagues at Oracle's Linguistic Technology
Group.  This fellow actually did what fewer and fewer linguists get to
do these days -- live with a native tribe in Central America, dope out
their language, and work out a written form of it.  So he can perhaps
be pardoned for what follows.  (Jodie may be familiar to long-term
JOYOFLEXers, _vide_ 788.*)

There are many more, obviously; things I can't recall and many more
that you, gentle readers, will concoct on your own, if you're
susceptible.  In which case, my sincerest regrets.

Computer Languages Division:
----------------------------

"I'm happy to report that the operation to free your undescended
testicle was a total success," said Dr. Tom, in Cobol.


Eponymous Division (half-credit only):
--------------------------------------

"I think I'll retire from basketball," Tom said, in Jordanian.

"That really makes me angry," said Tom, in Irish.

"I've decided not to pay my gambling debts," said Tom, in Welsh.


Tortured Division:  (quarter-credit only:)
------------------------------------------

"It's a delicious dish of diced pork product," said Tom, in Spamish.


General Division:
-----------------

"I'll get you for every penny you own -- see you in court!"  Tom said,
in Sioux.

"I just got this stroller that holds both my babies," said Tom, in
Pushtu.

"I'm sorry, we only seat single parties, or groups of 3 or more," said
Tom in Bantu.

"Would you like me to diagram this question?" Tom asked in Parsee.

"I got whiplash when my brother's daughter crashed her car into mine,"
said Tom in Sudanese.

"I was forced to fire my sister's daughter," said Tom in Cantonese.

"Yech, this post-prandial wine really smells," said Tom in Puerto
Rican.

"I value your different sexual orientation," Tom said in Uruguayan.

"Open your legs, my sweet," Tom breathed in Indonesian.

"Why, that castle's not made of silver after all -- or even pewter!" 
Tom said, in Palestinian.

"This is a MAN's beer," Tom said, in Hebrew.

"That clergyman is like a Jewish priest," said Tom, in Arabic.

"I'll be happy to ferry those goslings across the lake," said Tom, in
Portuguese.

"I apologize -- I was totally in the wrong," said Tom, in Croatian.

"What a delicious dinner that was," Tom said in Vietnamese.

"Shamu is swimming in the Grand Canal," said Tom, in Venezuelan.

"I make my living by stealing oriental carpets," Tom said, in
Nicaraguan.

    "How about a little snuggle?" he asked in Lapp as he sat down.

    "First, let me sharpen my knives" said Tom's butcher in Bulgarian.

    Dan, your daughter's got a very twisted brain.  I admire it.

    I apologise in advance:
    
    
    "Is that relevant?" Tom asked in German.
    
    "That's a turnip for the books" Tom quipped in Swedish.
    
    "I'm from Coventry" Tom said in Middle-English.
    
    "I thought Winchester was still the capital" Tom stated in Old-English.
    
    Sorry :-{

  
 >   "That's a turnip for the books" Tom quipped in Swedish.
    
  It may be Swedish, but it has Scottish roots !!

   

    Re .192 re .191, sorry to say, but that eluded me...  "Sweet Dish"??
    
    OBTW, here's another for the Eponymous Division...
    
    "Hmm, my King seems to be under attack," said Tom in Czech.
    

Rutabaga (U.S.) = swede (Brit.).

    I think it (the first entry in .191) should have been:
    
    "Is that relevant?" Tom asked in Lebanese.
    
    							Ann B.

    "As I said before, is that relevant?" Tom asked again in Lebanese.
    
    (Though I fear that this is yet another perversion on an original
    perversion...) (And despite this, it was this Levantine sense that I
    first tried before "German" worked for me...) :-) :-)
    
    "Oooh stop tickling, I can't take any more!!" gasped Tom in Tahitian.
    
    
    ... Thanx for the explanation of swede ...
    
    ... and could anyone enlighten me about .189's "Bulgarian"??  
    
    

    "Well, I'm glad THAT's over," said Tom in Finnish.
    

    "Uh-oh, _now_ I've done it," said Tom in Dutch.
    

    "Vell, I like ambling along real leisurely," said Tom in Slovakian.
    

    "Me, I prefer getting there quickly," said Tom in Russian.
    

    "Well, Larry & Curly didn't know!" said Tom in Eskimo.
    

    "I dunno, I just played a hunch," said Tom in Inuit.
    
    "Gee, wouldn't it be great if that happened," said Tom in Hopi.
    
    "I don't have enough U-235 for a chain reaction," said Tom in Sanskrit.
    

    "Put some more ice cream in that & stir it up," said Tom in Maltese.
    
    "Duuh," said Tom in Cretan.
    
    "Hey Babe, yer lookin pretty foxy -- wanna party?" said Tom in Tutsi.
    
    "That's his most fecund hypothesis," said Tom in Seminole.
    
    ... and of course the inevitable corollary, behind a <FF> for the
    screamish:
                                      
    
    
    "Ooh baby," Tom ejaculated in Seminole.
    

                   "<Fill_in_the_blank>", said Tom in Gaelic.

    Maybe some are a bit far fetched, but here goes:
    
    "What material are those blue shoes?" asked Tom in Swedish.
    
    "This is a delicious pastry," said Tom in Danish.
    
    "I wanna go someplace realy cold," said Tom in Icelandic.
    
    "Let's kick some ass," said Tom in Bhutanese.
    
    "The choir's rendition of this contract was excellent," exclaimed
    Tom in Singhalese.
    
    "Careful with that vase," said Tom in Chinese.
    
    "I feel nauseous," said Tom in Malaysian.
    
    "You look just like one of those long-legged birds," said Tom in Ukrainian.
    
    "OK folks, let's gather around me," called Tom in Khmer.
    
    "What should I use to clean this table?" asked Tom in Polish.
    
    "Now I really need a big dinner," said Tom in Hungarian.
    
    
    Hans
     
    

    "Here's my beeper number," said the obstetrician in Urdu.
    
    "Way too many users are trying to connect at once," said the system
    manager in Pig Latin.
    
    "This idea of excise taxes on products made from old-growth forest
    timber is great, but how will we enforce it?" asked the legislator in
    Tagalog.
    
    "What a beautiful, sunny day to spend outdoors" said the tourist in
    Basque, "but, safe sun guidelines require me to use protection," he
    added in Aleutian.
    
    "Even the straits of Hormuz are clearly recognizable through this very
    powerful telescope," said the navigator in Farsi.

    "Here's an elegant proof," said Professor Tom in Choctaw, striding to
    the blackboard.
    

    "I'm about to pick up a new car," said Tom in Togolese, "but I never
    actually BUY 'em; there are more cost-effective ways."
    
    "And what happened to all the paper from the holes punched out of those
    ancient cards and tapes?" asked Tom in Chadian.
    
    "I use that to feed your mangy dog," said Tom in Kurdish.
    

    "I would like to examine some of the local wheat." Tom explained
    in Bulgarian.
    
    "Would you like that moistened with a little whey?" asked Miss Muffet
    in Kurdish.
    
    							Ann B.

    "You're under arrest!" said Tom in Marshallese.
    
    "It's really windy today," said tom in Gaelic.
    
    "That police officer seems very nervous," said Tom in Coptic.
    
    "I just love citrus fruits," said Tom in Mandarin.
    
    "Crowded in here, isn't it?" remarked Tom in Sardinian.
    
    "This coffee is excellent!" exclaimed Tom in Javanese.
    
    "It's  such a clear day, you can see for miles and miles," said Tom 
    in Afar.
    
    "He is such an old and wise man," said Tom in Osage, "and he really
    knows how to use cook with herbs."
    
    "Now we'll examine this pair of ganders closely," said Tom in
    Portuguese.
    
    "Can I have another cob?" asked Tom in Cornish.
    
    "Why didn't they ask me where it was?" asked Tom in Ainu.
    
    "You can have this little chamber for 100 dollars," said Tom in his
    peculiar mix of Lettish and Romanian. 
    
    "I'll give you 10 bucks for the watch," said Tom in Pawnee.
    
    "Aah, Thanksgiving is really my favorite," said Tom in Turkish.
    
    "Isn't it strange that it always finds its way home?" asked Tom
    in Pidgin.
    
    "This really is a warm garment," said Tom in Dakota. "I wonder 
    what material it is?" he continued in Wolof.
    
    "I will shape this piece of clay to resemble a bird," said
    Tom in Moldavian.
    
    "Can't you help me with one of these carts?" asked Tom in Pushtu.
    
    "I don't think this bird is of European origin," said Tom in Croatian.
    
    "Have you seen this months issue of Playboy?" asked Tom in Bubi.
    
    
    Hans
    

    
    "I love these bright sunny days" said Tom in Chinese.
    
    "I also love my brand new black leather shoes" he said (still taking
    						   Chinese).
    
    "Well, you could have used your old ones, if you had put shoeshine on
     them", she commented in Polish.
    
    "Let me taste some of your cocktail" he asked in Nippon.
    
    "But just a bit. Now that's enough" , she said in Finnish.
    
    

    `Let's play nooky over by the fire,' said Tom in English.
    
    b

    ... I think it proper to observe that "Safe Nooky" actually requires
    the wearing of the analog to "gloves."
    
    Just trying to stay with the times...
    
    And during the foreplay thereto, try this:
    
    "Your patellae are simply delicious," said Tom in Nipponese.
    
    ... and afterwards, thank-you notes are always appropriate:
    
    "My darling:  We must try to lengthen our lovemaking.  It starts too
     fast," Tom wrote in Hiragana, "and by tomorrow, it's over."
    
     Hope this helps.
    

    `Some people don't rush it, and I suggest that neither should that
    be the way for us' he continued, in Norwegian.
    
    b
    
    ps Dan:
    If you didn't understand .214 you were probably trying to read more
    into the title than it deserved - `the gloves are off' was just
    an excuse for an extra layer of contrivance in my `inglenook'
    reference.

    `If you're following the recipe for making bread, surely you shouldn't
    be doing _that_ in the bowl', Tom protested in
    
    
    
    
    (PG)
    
    Indo-European

       .216
       
       Bravo.

    "I do hope this will fix that bug in the queue manager," said Tom
    in Apache.

     "I'd like you to meet the woman who gave birth to me," he said in Maa.

    "My job?  I'm a printer's assistant," Tom said in Incan.
    
    "Of course that my personal desire," said Tom in Mayan.
    
    "I work for a Phoenix-based computer company," said Tom in Aztec.

	"Please keep those blinds closed!" admonished Tom in Venetian.

"I never pump the brakes on icy roads," said Tom in Korean.

"I'll make fun of you all I want, you bimbo," snarled Tom in Maltese.

"Hut-two-three-four," said Tom in Martian.

"I was brainwashed," said George in Romany.

    "I really hate driving on icy roads." said Tom in Korean -- "So I've
    devised these low barriers to lessen the chances of actually leaving
    the tarmac," he added in Burmese.
    
    (While I will claim credit for "Slovakian" and "Venezuelan" as ones of
    which I am particularly proud, I must also note that my wife Deb did
    the masterful  "Nicaraguan," my younger daughter Mandy did
    "Vietnamese," Jodie did at least "Spamish," "Sudanese" and "Cantonese,"
    and I believe it was my son-in-law Hal who did "Uruguayan," and Mandy's
    boyfriend John did "Palestinian.")
    
    All in all, it's a wonder they didn't toss us out on our collective
    ear from that resto.
    
    A final kudo to myself for "Cretan," which is distinguished by having
    the highest pith/byte ratio, followed by definition #2 for "Seminole."  
    
    :-)  "It's nice to be the King," as Mel Brooks observed. (-:
                                                               

    I laughed a lot, said Tom in Farsi.
    
    Tom
    

"this is fun, eh?" said Tom in C-eh-n-eh-dian.

"I dance," said Tom in terse Korean.

    Boo.

    - Jim

"Amazing! A spherical carbon molecule with 60 atoms!" exclaimed Tom in 
beautiful Iranian.

    If I may serve as Boswell to Wook's excellent Jonson and make so bold
    as to offer to help the less chemistry-exposed JOYOFLEXers, .230
    continues the excellent new sub-sub-genre of Linguistic Swifty
    inaugurated by the estimable Lee in .228, whereby he alludes to the new
    class of "Fullerenes" named after Buckminster Fuller.  These beautiful
    new configurations of Carbon mimic the Geodesic Dome of Fuller's
    invention, hence the name.  I dunno how he came up with this second
    one, again matching the actual punch-line ("Beauty Fullerine-ian") with
    the lead-in, as with the terseness of the dancer.
    
    I bet I speak for the far-off Jodie, inspiration for this sub-genre,
    when I say of .228 and .230 --
    
    Best In Show!!
    

    Remember my Cousin, the County Prosecutor in far-off Oregon?  I've been
    keeping him up-to-date on all this silliness, which he was absorbing
    without complaint -- until I got this via his CompuServe mail account
    t'other day...  Bravo!   (... and might this actually end this sub-string?)
    ====================================================================
    
    
	"Oh Dan you hound and all your ilk,
		Who suckled ink instead of milk,
	Alas, your pups have caught the rheum,
		And lost their linguilibrium,

	"But I, I share your pedigree,
		From philologic AKC
	And so I weave on warp and WOOF,
		This ditty 'neath your cyber-roof."

said cousin Barnett in (obvious) doggerel.

				******

And the Lord spake the words of Genesis 6:19 in binary.

		Barnett
    ====================================================================
    (From my old Jewish Theological Seminary Bible, Gen. 6:19 -- "And of
    every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring
    into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and
    female.")
    
    Thanks to everyone who contributed to this sub-genre; and to those who
    tolerated it, too!
    

    I thought those sixty-atom constructs were called "Bucky Balls?"
    
    					andrew

    I think that's the informal name...  From my vague recollection of the
    Scientific American articles that taught me all I know on this,
    "Fullerenes" is the formal name of this new class of carbon compounds. 
    Same diff... :-)
    

re .232:

So you think it's over?

"I don't understand this word-play thingumbob," Tom complained in Punjabi.

"He was the most famous professional wrestler back then," Tom explained
in gorgeous Georgian.

"I can't seem to shake this cold," said Tom in Flemish.

"This is the cow pasture," said Tom in Catalan.

"Here's where the baby sleeps, said Tom in Carib.

    (local dialects division)
    
    "Hmmm, nice wall ornaments", Tom commented in Friesian
    
    "See you soon", Tom said in Bayrisch (Bavarian)
    
    (one more for the Native American languages division)
    
    "This record will do extremely well in the Black Dance Chart", Tom said
    in Arapaho.
    
    (slightly mangled division)
    
    "Dit-daa-daa dit-dit daa-dit-daa-dit" Tom spoke in Norse
                                                        
                                                  - Rik -
    

    "This road surface is playing havoc with the car's suspension" he
    complained in COBOL
    
    "When will we be through?" came the Finnish enquiry

    "My feet are wet," complained Tom in Creek.
    
    Hans
    

    "Here is your steak, Sir", Tom spoke in Serbian
    
    "I'd rather have everyone pay their own drinks", Tom said in Dutch.
    
    "Do you mean I did something stupid?", Tom replied in Turkish
                                                        
                                                  - Rik -
    

    Not  -< I'm sorry, I have a cold >-  surely?
    
    
    But  -< I'b sorry, I hab a coud >-     

    "The capital does not have an elevated train system," said Tom in DCL.

    "The runner is rounding third," said Tom in Basic.

    - Jim

    "I don't do *any* work in my garden." he said in Navaho.
    
    "I need to make one more square to finish my quilt." she said in
    Apache.
    
    						Ann B.

"But it *doesn't* walk like a duck," said Tom in Nahuatl.

  re .244 that's a good one

    "Aren't you getting a little too much sun?" asked Tom in Uzbekistan.

"Ouch ... I've sprung a leak!!!" exclaimed Tom in CORAL.

    This reminds me of the US Patent Commissioner, who proposed in circa
    1898 that the Patent Office should be shut down on account of he
    thought that everything had been invented.  Silly me for even THINKing
    that this vein had been exhausted!!
    
    :-)
    

    "Sorry, it's against Digital P&Ps to talk about homosexual 
     sexual practices," said Tom in Gaelic.
            

    Re .247
    
    "I knew this genre was exhausted," he said veinly.
    
    Re .whichever
    
    "I'b feedik ill," he said in code.

    Re:.some
    
    'I'm sorry, I have a cold' (spoken in a perfectly normal voice) is from
    Monty Python's Pet Shop sketch, but it has a link to my entry.
    
    -------------------------
    
    
    '! /* */', Tom stated in C 
    
    'PEEK ABOO', was the first line in Tom's BASIC program (or should that
    really be PEEK AB00 ?)
                                                        
                                                  - Rik -
    

"I'm in charge of this Military Establishment!" said Tom, recently promoted
to commandant, in Fortran.

   "In Tibet, the roosters lay the eggs." said Tom in Himalayan

"It's simple.  Just turn on the computer," said Tom in Bhutanese.

"I'm going to cultivate the legumes," said Tom in Hopi.

"I'll have a pastrami on white bread with mayo," said Tom in Goidelic.

"Gee whiz, Mr. Franklin!  Your kite idea works!" said Tom in Bengali.

    "Oh no! I stepped in feces -- and it's not mine!" moaned Tom in Urdu.

    (Re .257)
    
    said Tom in Lisp.

    *(.258)
    
    said Tom in C.

    "GodDAMN this GodDAMNED statement," said Tom recursively.
    

    "Won't you all ever stop?" Tom asked in Finnish.
    
    "I'm calling my lawyer," Tom said in Sioux.
    
    "Go ahead and drop Tabby, she'll hit on all four feet," Tom said in
    Catalan.
    
    "I need a new gear," Tom said in machine language.
    
    "I'm inking in the holes in my socks so they won't show," Tom said in
    Blackfoot.
    
    "Got him right between the eyes," said Tom in Nez Perce.
    
    "You may be passing me, but I'll catch up," said Tom in Lapp.
    
    "Why, it's a winter wonderland," Tom said in SNOBOL.
    
    "A smooth stroke is fundamental in billiards," Tom said in QBASIC.
    
    "She's heeling over!  She won't make it!" said Tom in Ojibway.
    
    "I think he's a confidence man," Tom said in Gullah.
    
    "That clicking adds an exotic touch to the music," Tom said in
    Moroccan.
    
    Tom held his lighter up high and yelled "Encore!" in Moroccan.

"No more wives for me," swore Henry VIII in Algonquin.

"Blah blah blah," said Tom in Babylonian.

    "My duck is on fire and I can't find the honey roasted peanuts,"
    said Tom incoherently.

    - Jim

"I hate riding the subway in rush hour," said Tom in Sardinian.

"I've taken a vow of poverty," said Tom in Ossetic.

"P-p-please don't hurt me," said Tom in Khowar.

"I've returned," said Tom in Uzbek.

"You're nuts!" said Tom in Kashubian.

"I love French dance halls," said Tom in Konkani.

    Another one bites the dust, Tom said in Nipmuck.

    `I'll lie down and you can walk over me' said the King in Spanish.
    
    `Better still, just take one step to the side and I can jump over you,' 
    said the Rook in Castilian.
    
    
    b

    ...while their cohorts agreed in Pawnee. [is that what the Pawnee
    speak?]
    
    b

    "On this dark and stormy night, do let the bishop stay in the castle,
    and tomorrow I'll go as far as the king desires," fawned the queen.

    "I love sunning myself," said Tom in Basque.

    - Jim

    ... it's only half as good as Lew's .207...  Try to keep up eh??
    
    :-)
    

"This variety of vulture eats only pedal digits," said Tom in Tocharian.

"I understand the lyrics are dirty," said Tom in Luwian.

RE:       <<< Note 255.271 by NRSTA2::KALIKOW "The Data-Highwayman" >>>

    Oh DRAT! All the easy ones have been taken. I'll just have to start
    making some up or something.

    "Would you like fries with that?" Tom said in Burgerkenglish.

    - Jim

> "I love sunning myself," said Tom in Basque.

"I look good in this underwear," said Tom in Basque.

    "I love sunning myself", said Tom in Valuatan (or should that be
    Valuatuan?)

"The WC is next to the monkey house," said Tom in Zulu.

"The good guys vear vite hats," said Tom in Avestan.

    I don't think that that island nation is called "Valuatu," but rather
    "Vanuatu."  This from a highly cursory recollection of my wife's
    previous area of employment, which was as an electronic info broker in
    the philatelic marketplace.  The weirdest places pop up as sources for
    stamps -- why, didja know that Mongolia put out an Elvis stamp before
    the USA did?
    
    Sorry, Rik...
    
    (subjective probability that above is correct): P=.95)
    
    Merry Christmas, all...
    
               

    Re:.278
    
    Well, my map listed is as Valuatu. The 'l/n' is probably one of those
    sounds that has no direct equivalent in our phonetic system.
                                                        
                                                  - Rik -
    

    > one of those sounds that has no direct equivalent ...
    
    Nit.  Should be "sounds that have no direct equivalent."

    >Well, my map listed is as Valuatu.
    
    The 's/t' must also be one of those sounds that hab no direct equivalent.

>           <<< Note 255.280 by SMURF::BINDER "Cum dignitate otium" >>>
>                       -< Digression - sorry 'bout that >-
>
>    > one of those sounds that has no direct equivalent ...
>    
>    Nit.  Should be "sounds that have no direct equivalent."

Unless "that has no direct equivalent" refers to "one" instead of "sounds":

	The 'l/n' [sound] is probably one [...] that has no direct equivalent
	in our phonetic system.

-stephen

    Re .282
    
    Nope.  See Fowler 2d ed., under one (5) and number (5).  Diagramming
    the sentence gives you this:
    
       'l/n' |   is   \   one
    -+-------+-+-------+-------
      \      |  \           \
       \ The      \ probably \ of
                              \   sounds
                               +-+-------+--
                                  \       \
                                   \ those \  that | have | equivalent
                                            +------+-+----+-+----+-----
                                                   |  \      \    \
                                                       \ in   \ no \ direct
                                                        \
                                                         \   system
                                                          +-+-----+---
                                                             \     \
                                                              \ our \ phonetic

"I _am_ who I say I am," vowed Wook in Swahili.

    Aha, I finally found a clear path on the World-Wide Web to the "CIA
    World FactBook," which never heard of "valuatu" but which responded
    with more than you EVER would want to know about "vanuatu."  To wit,
    the following...
    =====
                                    VALUATU
                                       
   Index world-factbook93 contains the following 1 item relevant to
   'valuatu'.
   
   Search produced no result. Here's the Catalog for database:
          world-factbook93
          Score: 0, lines: 335
     ===== ... but, on the other hand...
Vanuatu
Geography

Location:
  Oceania, 5,750 km southwest of Honolulu in the South Pacific Ocean, about
  three-quarters of the way between Hawaii and Australia
Map references:
  Oceania, Standard Time Zones of the World
Area:
 total area:
  14,760 km2
 land area:
  14,760 km2
 comparative area:
  slightly larger than Connecticut
 note:                                  
  includes more than 80 islands
    .... and so on and on...              :-)

OK, here's a challenge.  Make linguistic Tom Swifties from the official
languages of South Africa:

English
Afrikaans
Zulu
Xhosa
Tswana
Sotho
Tsonga
Swazi
Ndebele
Pedi
Venda

    As for the others, yikes!
    

"And it's still ticking!" said Tom's brother John Cameron in Swazi.

-stephen

    "Some of my films include `Dirty dancing' and `Ghost'," said Tom's 
    cousin Patrick, in Swazi.

"I'm filing for divorce," said Harriet in Swazi.

"Fair to middling," lisped Tom in Sotho.

"It's a free-for-all!" said Tom in Malay.

"Welcome to the great white north," said Tom in Kannada.

    
    "Put a little spin on it," Tom counseled in English.
    
    "Yeeow, he's not only got two heads, but 18 fingers," cried Tom in
    Afrikaans.
    
    "Put out the chamber pots for the elephants," Tom directed in Zulu.
    
    "This flexible tubing is shot," Tom concluded in Xhosa.
    
    "My heart is turning ever to that river and the old folks at home," Tom
    murmured in Tswana.
    
    "He's not only a drunk, but a prostitute," Tom concluded in Sotho.
    
    "Na-na na-na na-na," Tom trilled in Tsonga.
    
    "You made the last letter of the alphabet a little crooked," Tom cooed
    in Swazi.
    
    "I gut-shot that sucker," Tom exclaimed in Ndebele.
    
    "I wish you'd tear the wax paper more neatly," Tom complained in Pedi.
    
    "No, thank goodness, it's 3.1," Tom vouchsafed in Venda.
    

Bravo, particularly on the Afrikaans one.

>"Welcome to the great white north," said Tom in Kannada.

Sorry Gerald, but Tom said that in Canajn eh, eh !  (Or ...

"Velkom to my Kontry" said Tom in Kandjn, eh !)

"Why is it taking so long to put new rubber on my car ?" yawned Tom in
Canajn Tired eh ?

"Yes, I'll race you!" said Tom in Huron.

"Let's light up the town!" said To in Luxemburgish

Stuart

    "The race is not always to the swift" said the politician in Washingtonish.
    
    (Substitute any other country's language of doublespeak as desired.)

Before somebody starts inventing to many ...ish languages ...

As strange as it might seem, there actually IS a language, known in English,
as Luxembourgish.  In French it's Luxembourgeois.  It is a Germanic language,
and bears a resemblance to German, but is decidedly different.  In Luxembourg,
they speak French (Belgian French that is ... ) and German and Luxembourgish.

It is different enough from German that it really can't be described as a 
local patois.

Stuart

"If you let us out, we'll each grant you three wishes," promised the Djinn in
Afrikaans.

Wook

    Hmmm.  After considerable thought, both my wife & I give up on
    understanding .297 on our own.  Hints please, Wook? :->
    

    Let's try ...  start by pronouncing Afrikaans in a S.A. accent ...
    
    Ifreekaans
    
    which is a short step to
    
    If we can

    afreet: (Muslim myth) Evil demon  (Oxford Illustrated Dictionary).

.301 got it right.

I was using the AHD spelling which has afrit (also afreet). I suppose it could
have been better with the following:

"Release us and we will grant thee three wishes, Master," tempted the evil Djinn
in Afrikaans.

Or

"Mister Aladdin, sir, what will your pleasure be?..." sang the Djinn in tonic.

    Glen's a classmate of Jodie's (double major in Math/Linguistics), and
    is now a grad student in Math at UCLA, and married to one of Jodie's
    college roommates.  When we were together over the holidays, talk
    turned to Linguistic Tom Swifties.  Don't ask ME why!! :-)
    
    This just in!!  (And a cute blend of Math and Linguistics, btw)
    
Subj:	Tom discurses...

"I'm not sure if that phrase has positive or negative connotations," Tom
said in Signed English.

Maybe a bit of a cheat, but I thought the deaf should get equal time...
         Glen

% ====== Internet headers and postmarks (see DECWRL::GATEWAY.DOC) ======

    
    ... which isn't a Tom Swiftie at all, but it belongs here anyhoo.
    
    ... which I would always tell whenever we were driving south from MA to
    visit family in NJ, the preferred route for which journey took us
    across a certain bridge over the Hudson River.  I've no idea how old
    this particular crack is, but I know my wife & I would say it before
    the kids were born...
    
    "What did they ask Helen Keller when she arrived in Germany?"
                                  
    "Tappan Zee Deutsch?"
    

    I'm afraid Luxemburgish may open the floodgates to bilingual and
    polylingual puns (my favourite sort). But you can't put the genie back
    in the bottle, as the man said [although it's possible with gin]; just
    remember the other man who said `If you open that Pandora's box there's
    no telling what wooden horses will come leaping out' [or words to that
    effect].
    
    "Let's both each pay" he said pleonastically in Double Dutch.
    
    
    b

re .304:

Continuing the NY area travel German puns:

"Herr Wagner, do you spell your name with a 'V'?"




"9W."

Re .303

> Subj:	Tom discurses...

Curses, that should have been "-courses"!

    Re .303
    In order to give deaf persons equal time, I believe that the following
    re-write incorporates the accepted verb:
    
    "I'm not sure if that phrase has positive or negative connotations,"
    Tom signed.
    
    Now for a true story.  When a deaf man was being interviewed by a
    citizenship judge, the judge asked the applicant if he knew what
    proportion of Canadians speak French as their primary language.
    The applicant didn't know, and the judge was about to reject his
    citizenship application.  The applicant persevered, saying that
    English sign language and French sign language are so similar that
    their users have no trouble communicating with each other, and
    asking if the judge knew how many deaf people there are in Canada.
    The judge didn't know, and he approved the citizenship application.
    
    -- Norman Diamond

I wouldn't like to say that story was true Norman, but, having seen
Canadian Citizenship court judges in action, it is a sad but regrettably
likely commentary.

Why do I believe it untrue ?  Because there are many new  Canadians
getting past citizenship court who still know no English or French.
We saw this first hand in 1984.  People were going into their interviews
with translators, and the translator answered everything, except "Who
is the Canadian Prime Minister?"  "Brian Mulroney" (of course now out of date.)

Stuart

    I read the newspaper report before 1984.
    
    For comparison, some northern residents (mostly now elderly, I believe)
    cannot speak the languages of the invaders' descendants, but are
    citizens because they were born after the invaders took the land.
    
    Also, some people who don't speak English are U.S. citizens because
    they were born in the U.S. or because their parents were born in the
    U.S. and had lived in the U.S. for certain necessary durations.
    However, it would probably be harder for them to become U.S. citizens
    if they weren't already.
    
    Despite the laughability of becoming a Japanese citizen (acceptances
    being few and far between, though non-zero) even for those who speak
    the language fluently and far exceed all the legal requirements,
    in fact the law does not require language ability.
    
    -- Norman Diamond

--Boundary-6810327-0-0

Swifties live.    
  
	-- Jodie  
     * * * This Message was Proofread by Oracle CoAuthor * * *  
    
more linguistic humor:

Along the lines of `"Can I come too," he pleaded in Tagalog', I 
just came up w/:

"Have you ever been to Seville?" she asked in Berber.

    "Look at the belly on that guy," Tom said in Gros Ventre.
    
    "You're up it now," Tom said in Creek.
    
    "It's not really a hill, more of a kind of rise," Tom said in Seminole.
    
    

    "Let's take this thing one step at a time" said Tom in Pawnee.
    
    b