Conference rocks::weight_control

    re .0:
        
    The following may not be what you want to hear, but here goes...
    
    My answer would depend on whether you are talking about getting
    together just as friends and fellow DECcies, or meeting with the
    possible objective of establishing a long-term relationship. 
    
    If it's the former, I don't see any need to mention your weight.
    The "other people will make fun of me if I'm seen with an overweight
    woman or man" mentality leaves 95% of the people in this world after
    junior high school.
    
    But if you're talking about a "singles/dating/maybe this will lead to
    marriage" type situation, I might change my response somewhat.
    
    It might not be right Ann, but it's true: a lot of men who would
    get acquainted with a woman through notes, agree to meet her not
    knowing beforehand that she was seriously overweight (I'm not talking
    "a little bit chubby", but extreme obesity), and then find out upon
    meeting her that she was seriously overweight would be very
    unpleasantly surprised.  (Same goes if the situation were with a
    normal weight woman and a seriously overweight man).
    
    And -- I may draw a few flames with this next statement -- I can't
    blame them.  If I were "single and looking" (thankfully I'm not,
    I found the right woman several years ago), what I would be looking
    for is a "lifetime companion".  Whether one wants to admit it or
    not, a seriously overweight person (again, I'm talking extreme obesity,
    not someone with "a few pounds to lose") runs a very real risk of
    a shortened life span because of the health complications brought
    about by obesity.  Someone who's going to die 20-30 years before
    her time because of serious overweight is not what I'd want in a
    lifetime companion.
    
    So, if what you are referring to is meeting someone with the idea
    of possibly pursuing a romantic interest, my opinion would be yes,
    you should inform the other person beforehand if you are seriously
    overweight.   
    
    BUT -- I will suggest one way in which you might be able to turn this
    negative into a positive.  Don't merely tell the other person "I'm (X
    number) pounds overweight". You can take it to the bank that such a
    statement will draw a negative response. Rather, say "I do have a
    weight problem, but I am currently attending Weight Watchers (or
    whatever program) and have so far lost 20 (or 30, or however many)
    pounds out of the (however many you want to lose) pounds I'm
    planning to lose in order to reach my goal.  In that case, the change
    in tone in the man's voice may not be one of disgust, but one of
    respect for a woman who is facing a problem head-on and making a
    concerted effort to overcome it.
    
    
    Paul

Hi Ann, 

I wonder...when you "let them know you are heavy", how do you do it?
Do you sound like you are saying, "I am heavy and I know that you won't
like me because of that"? Or do you sound like you are saying, "Just so
you aren't surprised, I am heavy, but I am working on changing that. But
more importantly, I am a terrific, caring person." (I am not referring to
the actual words you use, but more the overall feeling you project.)

I think that if you expect people not to like you, for whatever reason,
they usually won't like you. Maybe for that particular reason, but most 
likely because of the feeling you project. "You won't like me."

Also, yes, there is much more to a person than just their outside.
Unfortunately, first impressions are based almost completely on looks.
That's the way things are. 

A question for you: Would you really want to be spending time with
someone to whom looks were the most important thing? I wouldn't.

Just some thoughts. And remember, *you* have the power to change!

-Amy.

    RE: .1, and .2
    
          Some great advice and answers to a very tough-to-approach
    question. I couldn't have said it better. 
    
    
    
    
    
    Chris
    

    I have a comment to add to .1:

    You may not like the way it affects you (I don't), but I don't blame
    ANYONE for not finding a member of the preferred gender sexually
    attractive if he or she is overweight.  There are men who find
    skinny women unattractive, just as there are men who find fat women
    unattractive.  It's a matter of personal preference, usually beyond
    conscious control.

    I agree, too, with .2.  What's sending them away may not be "Ugh, she's
    fat," but rather "She sounds like she's really down on herself; I bet
    she's not much fun to be with."  Can you blame them?  People who
    complain or apologize for themselves aren't very good company!

    Beverly
    (who_knows_cause_she_used_to_be_that_way_until_her_husband_broke_her_of_it)
    !

    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
              

    I have a theory on this, which you may not like also, but nevertheless.
    
    God has it set up that physical attraction is the initial attraction.
    Physical attraction is what initially pulls people together.  Now,
    as the relationship grows and matures, there is far less emphasis
    on the physical beauty of a person and much more on what the person
    is really about.  More on what the person believes, how the person
    thinks, feels, etc.  More about the intrinsic person and his/her
    depth as a human being and not if their waistline is 36.  I can
    prove it too.  Look around you.  There are alot of married couples
    that are ugly, yet they're still together.  If physical attraction
    was the only criteria, these people wouldn't have lasted through
    20 years of marriage.  
    
    So there you have it.  Physical attraction is the initial attraction,
    but then declines in importance as the relationship matures.  
    
    It's a crime, that many fat people NEVER have the opportunity to
    experience this, because the initial attraction is never made.
    
    Glenn
    
    (There are, of course, exceptions to this, but in general, this
    is what I believe.)

    I have often wondered if there is a cultural element to this also.
    
    I lived in Canada and never had a boyfriend, not through High School,
    or University.  Lots of male friends but I never rated as dating
    material.
    
    Then I moved to Ireland for 2 years and had lots of requests to
    go out.  In that time I finally learned what it was like to have
    lots of possibilities, to go out with someone, and to break-up,
    a few times.  And when I return to Ireland I still get asked out
    alot.
     
    Back in Canada since Sept 86, and no dates again.
    
    I think North Americans tend to concentrate alot more on physical
    appearance.  And as a result probably miss out on getting to know
    some neat people.
    
    Just my 2 cents worth.
    
    Debra

    re .6
    
    There may be something to what you say, Debra.
    
    I remember that when I was in high school (and a little chubby,
    even then), I never had any dates with "locals" who weren't also
    a bit (or more than a bit) overweight.  But, I excited more than
    polite interest among the Foreign Exchange students (male) - notably
    young men from Italy, Jordan, and, yes, Ireland.
    
    Lynn

	I also believe that as an individual matures, one realizes the relative
insignificance of physical appearance.  Let's face it, there are a lot of people
age 35-70 who are looking to establish a relationship for whom physical 
attraction is not nearly the requirement it was at age 17-25.  One learns that
love, respect, honesty, and personality are the 'concrete', the foundation,
upon which one builds a long term relationship.

				Al

    I know this is a long time since the last reply, but I can't help
    it I *need* to add a comment.
    
    When you find that special person, and I believe there is always
    hope, don't belittle youself because you are heavy.  That is the
    mistake that I made when I got married.  I hadn't had many dates
    because of my weight (5'6" and 150-160lbs) so I was overwhelmed
    that this good-looking man found me attractive and desireable and
    wished to marry me.  Now that I'm older and *hopefully* wiser I
    know that I wasn't in that bad of shape and had a nice looking face,
    pleasent personnality.  Anyway, I let this feeling become one of
    gratitude and tried to *become* whatever my husband wanted, also
    tried to give him whatever he wanted.  I was afraid to upset him
    for fear that this *dream* would go away and I would be left alone
    again.  It took about a year for me to finially come to grips with
    the fact that I wasn't the person he wanted me to become "Miss Susy
    Homemaker".  I'm not very good at housekeeping but I'm one fine
    engineer.  Once I realised that it was tearing me up to try and
    maintain the facade I broke down and confronted him.  To my surprise
    he loved me anyway!  He tells me he loves me for me the way I am.
    This does not mean that we agree on things, we have some pretty
    heavy duty disagreements(fights) but we work it out.  I still fight
    this desire to change me for him or to give him anything he wants
    even though we can't afford it right now, or it is damaging my ego.
    But now he knows me well enough that he can see when I'm doing it
    and helps me get on the right track.
    
    After 13 years of marriage and three children you would think things
    would smooth out but I'm sure that we will be disagreeing when we
    are 100 years old but I'm also sure that he will still love me and
    we will still be together.
    
    So be yourself, there are no "matches made in heaven".  You have
    to be able to get along as you are not as you perceive that person
    wishes you to be.  Fat or thin, cheery or moody, housewife or career
    person.
    
    Well, that was windy but I hope that it might keep others from making
    the mistakes that I made.