Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    My ex husband and I are joint parenting our Children.  According to the
    Separation agreeement, I have physical custody, but in actuality we are
    truly co parenting.  Both my ex and I work full time.  Both of us have
    shared both emotional and financial responsibility for the children.
    
    Initially both children lived with me.  My Ex rented an apartment in
    the same town, had the kids every wednesday night and every other
    weekend.  He also had access to the kids at all times.
    
    When my son, became older, he went to live with his Dad.  He still came
    by my house when he chose, and had a bedroom in both houses.  later he
    came back to live with me and my daughter went to live with my Ex.
    
    When I remarried and moved out of town both children stayed with my Ex. 
    In May my Ex and I decided that my daughter would come back to live
    with me.  She was doing very poorly in school and was getting into
    staying out etc.  This summer, she is spending time in both houses and
    will return to my house in the Fall.
    
    According to the support agreement, my Ex pays me what I consider a
    nominal amount.  We have in fact both agreed from the beginning that he
    would pay less.  I preferred that he live in the same town as I so the
    children could have access to both of us, and so I would not have all
    the parenting responsibilities myself.  Since it cost him more to buy a
    house in town than elsewhere, I felt it only fair that we agree on an
    amount of support that was fair, and allowed both of us to get by.
    
    When my son went to live with him, we agreed that the support payments
    would stop.  I would support our daughter and he our son.  When both
    children stayed with  him, I paid the same amount to him.  In the fall,
    neither of us will  pay each other.
    
    We have never gone back to court.  We decided all this our selves. We
    both love and want to help the children.
    
    I know there are some awful stories out there.  I know that the Mass
    guidelines are unfair.  As a woman and as a feminist, I would lobby to
    change the existing rules and the Mass guidelines.
    
    Is my arrangements that unusual?  Any other stories of joint parenting
    that works?

    It sounds like a dream come true! Wish more could think like you and
    your ex. 

    I commend you on the one thing that my fiance's ex wife don't have...
    a concept of what is important. There should be more ex-wifes and more
    ex-husbands as concerned for the children as you and your ex are. 
    
    Again. I commend you for handling a difficult situation with grace. 
    
    
    

    
    Unfortunately your story is more the exception than the rule (by far).
    My congratulations that you have been able to work these issues out
    together reasonably.  As I've said before, having a good divorce takes 
    more maturity (from _both_ parties) than having a good marriage.

    fred();

    My husband and I worked out our own agreement.  While I had custody for 
    the twelve years between the divorce and my son going in the Navy, his
    father always had open visitation, complete access whenever he wanted
    it for as long as he wanted it.  We absolutely supported each other
    with the raising of our son.  Very little child support changed hands,
    but he was originally to provide clothing, he decided later to pay
    $40.00 per week to cover clothing and other expenses, as he found
    clothes shopping to be a problem.  We raised a child that had a good
    relationship with both parents.
    
    I think that this type of arrangement is probably the norm among
    divorced families where both parents work and earn fairly good
    salaries, the horror stories seem to always involve spouses who are
    either unemployed or underemployed.  this pain is almost always about
    money in the final analysis.
    

    MONEY:
    	Is the ROOT of ALL evil, there's no exception when it comes time
    for a divorce. Either the husband just doesn't make enough money, or
    he's just too cheap to spend money on his children, or the wife wants 
    more money than he makes to go out shopping and fruitless spending every 
    other day.  
    	There's very little room for compromise in today's society. All too
    often people are just too self centered to care about their children. I
    have been divorced for about 8 years now. My ex has had physical
    custody for all those years, everytime she thought she needed more
    money, I was brought back in front of a judge to increase my support 
    checks.
    	Now after tremendous patience, two of my four children live with
    me. And I'm sure the other two will soon follow. It's just a matter of
    time. It takes just as much effort to not elevate the situation. Let's
    face it, if you're not going to get together and do something besides
    talk about your problem, then why bother crying. Unity, that's the key
    word here. Stand together (both sides) or fall apart.
    	Everyone talks about the Laws here in Massachusetts being
    inadequate or unequal to both parties, then why not get together and
    write to our Senators, or Congress and get them to do something to
    change the current situation. Remember this "IS AN ELECTION YEAR!!!"
    
    Bill /:-Q 
    

    Bill,
    
    If you are willing to draft a letter, I will modify as appropriate and
    send to my legislatures.
    
                                     Patricia

    
    Nice story.  Maybe you should teach some classes on Joint 
    responsibility for children.
    
    Several years ago when we decided to split we sat down and talked 
    over a joint physical custody arrangment and I thought we were
    on the right track.
    Unfortunately she decided to move away with our children despite
    our discussions.  
    For ten+ years I have made six hour round trips to see my children
    on alternate weekends. Never missed a payment or a weekend.
    We get along and I suspect she regrets the move
    because I've been a good long distance Father. 
    I read recently where divorcing parents are required to attend 
    a course on parenting after divorce.  Sounds like a pretty good
    idea to me.
    
                                           Bill

    	Sounds to me like this course on parenting should be required
    before you can get a marriage license in the first place.