Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    Perhaps, they, the step children, feel like they might be competing
    with the new expected child. And because they are lost and distant
    between two house holds, sometimes there is the loss of them being the
    center of attention. But teenagers develope new friends and new pier
    groups too.;(
    
    

    Thre is a BLENDED_FAMILIES notes file somewhere.  That might help.
    Otherwise, all I can suggest is to lay out then facts.  The back up
    your words witha actions.  If you tell the kids that they are part
    of the family, then treat them like part of the family, and be
    very patient.   It may take a while.  Beyond that you can't _make_ 
    the think or feel _anything_.
    
    fred();

	AIMHI::BLENDED_FAMILIES

-stephen

    I have a half-sister (my dad's daughter from his first marriage) who
    lived with us during the summer and with her mother during the winter. 
    Her mother never had any more children so I can't comment on that.

    We always referred to her as our sister, and were corrected by dad if we
    ever called her our half sister.  Mom seemed comfortable with either
    term.  But it was challenging to explain to our winter friends that we
    had a sister that didn't live with us without using the term
    half-sister.  :-)

    Evidently the summer that my mom was pregnant with her first child, my
    half sister was quite jealous and threatened to "hit the baby on the
    soft spot."  Family legend goes that they cured this by letting her
    name the baby, and that the baby's initials would be the same.  Once my
    sister was born and my half-sister held her, it was love at first
    sight.

    My full blooded sister and I idolized our older sister.  She could do
    no wrong.  And we all just flowed into the different routine of summer
    which included her.  She is 11 years older than me and 7 years older
    than my other sister.  

    Today we all live in different New England states, and see each other
    mostly at holiday get togethers.  But dad died this last summer so I
    guess only time will tell if we drift or not.

    My two girls have a younger half sister and brother at their fathers,
    they also have an older step sister and brother at their fathers.  This 
    full household has been fun for them, they always enjoy visiting, there's
    always something going on and someone to play with. 
    They never seemed jealous of their fathers 'new children', it's all
    what you make of it I guess.  Just make sure they feel included, wanted
    and needed and I'm sure everyone will blend right in.  My kids have
    often been allowed to bring their friends to their fathers to visit on
    weekends, though I'm sure this makes things Really hectic, I think it
    also makes it really seem more like 'home' to them. Their friends can
    understand better where they disappear to on weekends, and talk about
    it with them. 
    
    Sharon
    

        I'm not a child psychologist, nor do I play one on TV, but...;^).

    There's a saying, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they
    aren't out to get you".  I've seen cases where _everyone_ was supposed
    to take third place (there wasn't even a second place) to a  new baby. 
    That is, just make sure to keep the proper balance.  If the  kids feel
    loved, wanted, and included, then they will be.  Unless they're spoiled
    brats, and there are plenty of those around these days too.  In that
    case, it will take a lot of confidence in what you are doing, and a lot
    of firmly but gently standing your ground.

    fred();

    
>    We always referred to her as our sister, and were corrected by dad if we
>    ever called her our half sister.

    That was my immediate reaction to the basenote, that in casual 
    around-the-house conversation I can't see using the "half-" or
    "step-" labels at all.  To take it a step further the mother
    distinguishing between the two seems petty (not to mention
    confusing).  It's only a start, but if everyone's to feel the 
    same, then an unconditional "that's my sister/brother" is the
    way...
    
    glenn
    
     

    Yes, what Fred said is very true, "Unless they're spoiled brats..."
    which is the case with what happened with my husbands daughter.  I
    consider myself really good with kids, and my kids are really
    considerate also, but she could never accept us, she was mean,
    demanding and expected the impossible.  We tried and tried, her mother 
    was always interfering and told her what bad guys we were.  
    Don't blame yourself if things don't work out, sometimes it's not in 
    your hands.
    
    Sharon

The following note is being entered as a reply from the basenoter who wishes to
remain anonymous.  Please reply here or send me mail at TERZA::LZEKHOLM, and I
will forward it on. 

						Terza L. Z. Ekholm
						-moderator-
================================================================================
Thanks for the responses so far. As far as the stuff about half-brother/
half-sister goes ... Yes in normal conversation we would use brother or
sister. The one discussion with the children was a "technical" discussion
about relationships - trying to make them aware that they are just as related
on their father's side as they are on their mother's side. When we talk,
I might say "Gee your younger brother must be walking now" or something like
that, or we use his name. The same will be true for this little one. I think
they need to understand the relationship the way the world sees it as well
though.

I was looking for practical ideas - some little thing that would help them
feel included & family, as well as things to watch out for that might 
inadvertantly give them the wrong message. The idea of letting them choose 
the baby's name is one such practical thing, but I don't trust that they would
choose something we would necessarily like - I want to choose a name with my 
husband for our child, their sibling, in fact we already have a couple names 
chosen from years of hoping for a child. And of course, as siblings, they
rarely can agree on anything themselves either.

I didn't realize the Blended Families file was still active.

Anon