| Title: | Welcome to the Non-Custodial Parents Conference |
| Notice: | Please read 1.* before writing anything |
| Moderator: | MIASYS::HETRICK |
| Created: | Sun Feb 25 1990 |
| Last Modified: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 420 |
| Total number of notes: | 4370 |
Custody should we really go ahead or not. My husband and I are in
the middle of a court case to gain full custody of his children.
Unfortunately after reading many of the entries for the last few days I
am getting really concerned over the real chances we have of gaining
custody. The facts of our case are as follows:
- Joint custody between both parties with physical custody with
the mother.
- Visitations were every weekend and whenever the children needed
to see their father, or if we wanted to take them somewhere during
the week. Also, if the mother needed a "break" and could not handle
the children, etc....
This was all fine and very convenient for both sides because we lived
only 15 minutes from the children. The mother has now decided she
wants to go to school at U.Mass, Amherst. Why she chose that school
when there are so many good schools nearby is beyond me. She is not
even a full-time student. She has moved away from her family as well
as my husband's family. The children have minimal contact with the
friends, cousins and other family members that used to be part of their
every day life because of this move. We now only see the children
every other weekend from Saturday morning thru Sunday evening. Because
of the move we have to have the them back much earlier and as a result the
quality/quantity of time spent with them is minimal.
Regardless, we feel that the children would have a much more stable,
happy life living with us. They have moved over 4 times in the last 2 years.
They have little consistency living with the mother, and any
consistency they do have is the result of my husband.
Bottom line, the mother is really not a "bad mother", but we both feel
that her interests are in herself and not the children. Although some
of her tactics on how she disciplines the children or lack thereof
could be seriously questioned. I hate telling the kids that there are
different rules in our house vs. "mom's", like bathing daily, or
wearing pajamas to bed and not the clothes they are going to wear the
next day to bed.
I also strongly believe that the mother is trying to distant the children
from their father as much as possible if not mentally but physically.
It's bad enough kids end up being the the victims of a divorce, but
shouldn't they be able to have a mother and a father even they are
divorced. Am I being too idealistic?
My real question is this:
How much of a chance do we really have in gaining custody? What advice
would any of you (successful in gaining custody from a mother) have in
how we should prepare for this case? Are their any guidelines when
their is joint custody as to the geographical proximity of both
parents?
Thanks,
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 334.1 | AIMHI::RAUH | I survived the Cruel Spa | Wed Jan 04 1995 09:25 | 33 | |
There is an old adgage about stuff like this. Waiting for the other
shoe to drop.... Being the Samiri (sp) warrior, 'be prepaired for
everything, but expect nothing...'
When she gets even remotely involved with school... she is going to
have more on her plate than she will know what to do. Sounds like the
ex is looking for a second childhood she never had. Going back to
college days.... :) Like you have pointed out, it would have been much
easier for her to handle night school locally, grab a local sitter. And
least disturbing the daily comings and goings of the children.
I would document, document, and document. And retain an attorney. And
at such time when the other shoe has dropped. Go for it. Right now, it
doesn't look like there is a chance of reversal of custody. Even if the
kids sleep in the cloths that they will wear for the next day.
IF~! The kids SEE mom smoking pot, Having Sex with the local college
tallant, Leave them alone with no adult supervision. Now you got a
remote chance.
Mean time, prepair the war chest. Get the house in order for their
arrival as though they would be a perminate part of the house hold. And
wait......:)
In the terms of having sex with the local talant. Kids have to be in
the same room as mom and beau(s)....watching!
IF one of the beau(s) beats, molest, or does harm to the children. Be
also prepaired for both the fight and the back fire. Cause she might
accuse your team for such heinous things.
Peace
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| 334.2 | Slim Chance | FOUNDR::SHEEHAN | Wed Jan 04 1995 17:31 | 17 | |
If the children are under 10 years of age and they have been living with
Mom for a few years allready then you have a very slim chance of reversing
custody regardless of where she moves in this country unless as the previous
reply mentioned there is some serious form of abuse going on. The Courts don't
really put much weight in custodial parent relocation as a reason to change
the custody situation. However if the children are 10 or older ( different
states vary ) then the children can decide if they want to live with the other
parent and after some investigation by a GAL or other court appointed social
worker the courts will in most cases allow a change in custody if it is infact
what the child wants. Your best bet is to try to work the issue with their Mom.
However if she's getting a good chunk of child support there is probably no
way she's gonna give up her custodial rights.
Good Luck!
Neil....
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| 334.3 | CSC32::HADDOCK | Saddle Rozinante | Wed Jan 04 1995 18:06 | 30 | |
Unless, as has been indicated earlier, the children are being harmed.
or are in serious danger of being harmed, by the actions of the current
CP, then then chances of obtaining a change of custody are very slim.
Things to investigate: 1) signs of physical abuse and/or neglect, 2)
change in emotional condition or behavior, 3) are their school grades
suffering because of the moves, 4)are they getting in trouble with the
law, 5)are they left unattended (even at that age "latch key" kids are
really a no-no).
You also have to take into account the stress and b.s. that will fall
on the kids during a custody battle. If you loose (which is likely)
how hard will the ex be to get along with then? In my case I had
to take all of this into account, and I came to the conclusion that,
yes, the fight was necessary in spite of all the down sides.
If you decide to go ahead, as George said, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT,
DOCUMENT. It is your best weapon. Look though other notes in this
conference for further discussion of documenting the evidence.
Moving out of state is not usually frowned upon by the court if the
CP is trying to "better their life", new job, go to school, etc.
Even thought there are other colleges near by.
You're best option may be to lay low. Try to make as good a home for
the kids when they do stay with you (but don't try to buy them). Then
wait until they are old enough to decide for themselves. That is
when you will have the best chance of getting them.
fred();
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| 334.4 | The best parent is***both parents*** | SALEM::PERRY_W | Thu Jan 05 1995 07:48 | 9 | |
Unfortunately the respondants to your note are correct, There has to
be a "significant change of circumstances" to change custody.
I've been through the same situation as you; good mom, good dad(me).
I fought for custody and lost and then I tried to stop her from
moving out of state and lost again. I am very bitter over the whole
ordeal. You are dealing with a generation of Judges, Laywers,and
members of the political process who just don't think dads are very
important. I can feel your anguish and I wish you luck if you decide
to try for custody! Bill Perry
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| 334.5 | AIMHI::RAUH | I survived the Cruel Spa | Thu Jan 05 1995 09:13 | 7 | |
Remember Bill... Your vote does help. And giving a prospective canidate
the question during campains will give them something to think about.
In New Hampshire, in the upcoming First in the Nation race... Lots of
them will be publicly questioned.:_)
Peace
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