Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    Congrads to you Read only person. It makes me happy too to know that
    our constant preaching does work!;) Prayers to you!
    
    George

    
    I still haven't gotten permission from the original noter, but I
    think I can put in the following from their mail without causing 
    much trouble.  Since the whole reason for this file is to help,
    lend support, and give hope to those ncp's who are in the same 
    position, I think this is important to put in here.
    
>	My husband got custody of his two daughters in <date deleted>
>after trying for three long years.  My husband and I took your advice about 
>documenting everything and that proved to be one of the most powerful 
>aspects of his case.  The GL that was appointed (after two years) told us
>that she had never seen such thorough documentation.  Our lawyer was
>astounded when we turned over "the book" - everything he needed was there
>to prove our case.  
    
    Again thanks and congratulations!
    fred()

    Ditto on the Congrats to the Read-Only!
    
    Nice to hear.
    
    -Bill

        I have now gotten the note's permission to use their mail.  However,
    I have already entered the most important parts.  That is, hard work,
    study, and documentation does pay off.  

    Overcomming all the emotional garbage that goes with these situations
    can be very difficult.  However, if you can maintain a level of
    objectivity and do the job right, you will stand a much better chance
    of winning.

    fred();

	I am the person that wrote to Fred to let him know that the 
information, advice, support and sharing in this file DO make a difference.
I found this notes file a couple of years ago and have used so much from
it.  I sincerely thank everyone who wrote about experiences and shared 
what they had gone through.  It provided me with hope when I really needed
it.  It has also made me laugh at times and realize that our situation 
wasn't so different from a lot of other folks out there.  
	My husband got custody of his two daughters in September of 1992,
after trying for three long years.  We took the advice about documenting 
everything and that proved to be one of the most powerful aspects of his 
case.  Time and time again, we could prove our case because situations 
were documented with time/date/police records/insurance records and the 
list goes on and on.  
	Anyone going through a custody battle knows it can take a long time 
and it seems that the evidence has to be overwhelming before anyone will 
listen to you.  Documenting everything can take so much time.  If you do
it consistently and objectively, it can work.  It did for us and made the
difference in this case.    
	Again, many thanks to everyone for sharing in this file.  People
like me do read it and have success.  

Thanks to all,
Ellen

    Ellen,
    
    
    God Bless. Congrads! 
    
    George

    Congratulations!  I hope this victory is a permanent one.
    A friend of mine was awarded custody of his 2 kids and 
    home when his alcoholic/drug dependant wife left him for
    a married man....only to end up in the street.
    
    Aa meetings, counseling, a new job and a couple years later;
    She filed a complaint for modification and got custody of 
    the kids and the house.   
    
    Victory is seldom sweet or permanent for an NCP in Mass.

Thanks George!  

As far as this being permanent, today is Wednesday and the kids are with
us.  That's the only way I can deal with this.  I try not to think about
tomorrow in terms of whether the kids will stay or not cuz I'll go nuts.
I know she would have to prove that she is not "unfit" and could provide
the children with a better home.  This was a very long case and involved
counsellors, GL, 3 mediators from the court, police, doctors, the schools
and many others.  In the past few months, we have received letters from
her stating that she would never want the kids to live with her again,
it was too much to worry about, also stating that we are the better parents.
The letters go into much more detail which I won't bore you with!

All of her actions suggest withdrawal from this situation and from the 
kid's life which is really sad.  She has cut visitation to one weekend 
a month and even brings the kids home early on her weekend.  She no longer
calls them and will not give them her phone number.  She doesn't attend
any school or extra curricular activities that they are in..etc...

The kids know what the truth is, and they tell us that they love living 
with us - in spite of rules and chores! :*)  They have made their own 
decisions about the reality of this situation.  

So I live for today and show them that they are loved.  

    It will come to pass. Once the kids are in the house, they have to have
    mom whine, cry to the infanite degree, or untill they are of age
    to make their own decision to move.
    
    
    But.... the secret.... make shure of several things.... and you will
    not have to worry.
    
    1. The refridges is always stocked with food.;)
    2. The house is not a combat zone.;)
    3. There know that there is big time love for them in the house.
    
    And you will never have to worry! 
    
    Eva, my daughter of (big girl,as she say) 6, knows, and has a 
    BS meter that is un-canney. She even told me once what a looser
    her mothers beau was/is. No kidding! Words from the mouths of the
    babes. 
    
    Mean time. Enjoy them. They are on loan to you from God until they
    turn 18. Then they are either of their own, or of their SO's.
    
    George

    Since this topic is about DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, I thought I
    would post a good-news note. I was in court yesterday because my wife
    filed a motion against me for "temporary issues" (time with our son,
    who stays in the house, and who gets money from whom). My wife was
    trying to reduce the amount of time that I spend with our son (I
    presently spend more than 50% of the evenings with him, and she can
    have days with him when she wants) and she was going for some serious
    money (like 70% of my take-home pay). She also wanted me to pay a large
    chunk of her attorney's fees.
    
    Basically, she got nothing that she asked for. The number of evenings
    that I have with our son didn't change, and money issues were
    worked out (the judge noted that my offer to her was very fair and
    didn't even make me pay that much). The judge was an older woman, who
    is known for being tough on husbands.
    
    So, I feel that good documentation helped me a bunch. I also feel
    that the declaration that I wrote was well organized and coherent, so
    the judge didn't have to read all of the stuff I submitted in order to
    understand what I was saying.
    
    I am a documenter by nature, but my attorney helped me figure out what
    statistics were relevant. He also helped me determine the approach for
    my declaration, and helped me highlight important facts (hey, as an
    editor, it was kind of fun to have an attorney edit my stuff).
    
    Last, the advice that I have received from my attorney and his partner
    was consistent from the beginning. I was directed to stay in the house
    for as long as I possibly could, so if my wife tried to throw me out
    there would be several month's evidence of peaceful coexistence.
    
    My wife and I have yet to settle, and if we aren't able to do that then
    we'll return to court in July. I just have to share that there were
    many times when I felt like giving up and settling for far less
    time with my son than I wanted. Part of the reason I was discouraged is
    because of the many stories I have heard about gender bias.
    
    In short, if you feel that gender bias is an unfair rap against you and
    you have facts to back your case, I want to encourage you to hang in
    there. Of course, if you can avoid divorce, I'd recommend that, too.
    :?)
    
    

    Congrads! Good! God Bless!!

    re .10
    Good job!
    fred();

    
    
    Another small victory of my own.  The year I got custody of my kids,
    I claimed them on my taxes.  Apparently "Theex" was collecting AFDC for
    at least two of them (I had custody of the other two the whole year).
    The IRS came down on me a couple months ago and said that unless I
    could prove I had paid for more than half of their upkeep for that
    year, I could not claim them.  If I couldn't claim them, I was going
    to have to pay back a pretty good hunk of change in penalties, interest,
    taxes, etc.

    My Wife went back through the tax papers and checks and dug up all
    the expenses, and I made copies of all the custody orders and sent
    them all off to IRS guys.  It took them a while to sort it all out
    because Theex had apparently continued to collect AFDC even after I
    got custody.  I was not held responsible for money she collected
    through fraud.

    Anyway, I just got a letter today saying that they were dropping all
    claims against me.  (No mention of what they are going to do to her).
    Bottom line is I had all the documents needed to prove my case.  They
    couldn't touch me.  (However, I'm probably fixing to get one of those
    nuclear-melt-down telephone calls from her ;^) ).

    fred();
    

    Fred,
    
    Use your nuke proof answering machines to screen the calls!:) It works
    for me. And if she rants and raves and makes a death threat....so be
    it! 
    
    
    Mean time! Congrads to the man with the nuke proof shorts! Cause the
    IRS is naster than anything Theex could ever dream up!:)

    If the IRS says you're clean, you are CLEAN!  If Theex calls, tell her
    to have her lawyer call yours.
    
    Congrats......
    
    steev