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| Title: | Welcome to the Non-Custodial Parents Conference |
| Notice: | Please read 1.* before writing anything |
| Moderator: | MIASYS::HETRICK |
|
| Created: | Sun Feb 25 1990 |
| Last Modified: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 420 |
| Total number of notes: | 4370 |
270.0. "Divorce and Custody in Mass. - Need Help" by TERZA::ZANE (Imagine...) Mon Jul 12 1993 01:01
I am posting the following entry for a member of our community who wishes
to remain anonymous. Please reply here or send me mail which I will
forward to the author.
Terza
-co-moderator-
I am a man that has just reached a difficult decision. My marriage of
14 years must end soon. I hope to receive guidance and support from
the members of this community in this transition. The problem is not
the divorce - but ensuring that my two daughters emerge from this as
healthy as possible. I believe my daughters' (5 & 6) health depends
upon me gaining physical custody because my wife is an alcoholic. I
suspect that I will face a custody battle and am frankly terrified of
the emotional and possibly financial toll that such a battle will
involve.
Some background....
I have never experienced healthy, emotional connection with my wife.
We both married for very unhealthy reasons. I know I had self-esteem
issues and she was the person who wanted to sign on to fix and improve
me. I've done a lot of work, growing, therapy, etc. over the years
and that need no longer exists. Now in active therapy for alcoholism,
she believes she married me because I was full of life, playful,
happy, she could experience the joys of life through me even if she
felt dead herself. My wife is a Child of an alcoholic family going
back generations and the victim of lots of emotional abuse. She does
not feel much of anything except rage, often violent, mostly directed
at me (sometimes physically). Over the last few years, her stuff has
kind of hit a peak and we began distancing ourselves from each other.
Her alcohol abuse hit passing out stage, anger intensified, she had a
2 year affair.
I am divorcing because I have realized that I want a healthy partner
and that my wife may never be that. I am divorcing so my children may
learn what healthy connection is and live in a falily where stress and
anger is not part of the equation. I am emotionally prepared to
divorce but am terrified that she might get custody - that fear has
held me in this marriage for 3 years now. I have actually been both
mother and father to these kids all their lives - I've been the
nurturer, the one to know and respect them for who they are,
understand what they feel and aknowledge it, the source of love and
affection, the parent who can play and who does things with them.
Where I'm/we're at...
Have yet to find a lawyer (references anyone? Chelmsford, MA area)
Don't even know if I can afford the legal fees of a custody battle
if it comes to that.
Haven't made my plans known to my wife though we've talked about where
we're at (a joyless marriage, not good for the kids).
Don't know if my wife will see reason about custody. She loves the
kids as best she can and I think her need for them may outweigh
objectivity about where they would be healthiest/safest. I plan to
involve our family therapist (who has seen our kids) in the
discussion. I really would prefer to do this amicably so that the
kids have access to parents who are able to maintain some kind of
partnership as parents. That might not be possible if a dirty divorce
is what happens. I would consider sharing physical custody in the
future if I could know that she is well into recovery from alcoholism.
I'm scared about the logistics. Though I've been their primary
caregiver since their birth, I take my responsibility as parent
seriously and can imagine doing it all alone will be tough.
Any pointers to resources, references, advice (except how to save the
marriage), or support would be appreciated. I am commited to being
healthy myself, someday having a healthy relationship, and creating a
healthy environment for my kids.
| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 270.1 | | AIMHI::RAUH | I survived the Cruel Spa | Mon Jul 12 1993 13:17 | 4 |
| Best to do is to call Fathers United for Equal Justice in New
Hampshire. 603-624-6811.
Good Luck
|
| 270.2 | Joint Custody can be healthy | NSTG::SHEEHAN | | Mon Jul 12 1993 13:23 | 67 |
|
First off I'd like to say that I really sympathsize with you and admire your
persistance in staying in your marriage for the sake of the kids. My personal
feelings are that the childrens best interest should always come first.
I am also the father of 2 daughters. Their mom and I seperated 2 years ago.
During the last 2 years we have had shared custody of our daughters and it appears
to have worked out rather well for all of us. My daughters spend the first
half of the week with me. Sun. 6pm - Wed. 3pm. then spend Wed.- Sat. morning
with their mom. On Alternating weekends my girls are also with me Sat & Sun.
This schedule I feel was best of all the options we read about and has allowed
our children to be with mom and dad as much as possible. Our daughters have done
well in school and are very happy thus far. Their mom is not an alcoholic and
I'm not sure what I would have done if she was, regardless it is important
that your daughters spend lots of time with their mom as well as dad as long as
their is no abuse going on.
Suggestions:
1, Talk with your wife and suggest Joint Physical Custody as the best option for
your daughters as long as she is willing to work on her alcoholism.
2, Read about joint custody and shared parenting and discuss the many possible
options which might work for you, your wife and your children.
3, Talk with your daughters and explain to them why you must seperate and that
you and your wife love them very much and want to be their for them as much
as possible.
4, If you can agree on a schedule then start doing it and stick with it for a
long enough period for everyone to adjust to it. I'd recomend at least 2
months before making changes. It takes a while for everyone to become
acclimated to a change and if you change the schedule too soon or too
drasticaly it will just cause confusion for all of you.
5, If things seem to be working out ok for your daughters then start talking
about the long term and what your daughters needs will be as they grow older.
The best situation and I feel the only situation for joint physical custody to
work longterm is if you both live within the childrens current school district
or if you and your wife relocate to a mutualy decided school district at least
till they reach High School age and possibly longer.
6, Don't jump into a new relationship! If you meet someone or start dating don't
expose your children to them for a long while it will only cause them anxiety
and possibly jealousy on the other parents part. Your children need "YOU" not
another mom or dad figure to replace the missing parent when they're with you.
And my personal feelings as well as the recomendations by authors of books
I've read on Children of Divorce is, don't by any means cohabitate with your
new adult friends while your children are with you. Doing this could be the
biggest mistake you'll ever make in your relationship with your children and
their other parent not to mention their dating/relationships later on in life.
7, Last but not by any means least, "make it legal" You need to get the court
to set up temporary custody orders to protect yourself and the children prior
to the final divorce settlement. If your temporary orders are for joint
physical custody then you have a lot better chance of obtaining primary
custody down the line if things start to get nasty. You don't have a chance
right now of getting primary custody at the temp hearing unless your wife is
agreeable to this, hospitalized, or proven to be abusive to your children. If
she agrees to Joint Physical Custody in court thats the best chance you'll get.
Good Luck! Feel free to write me if you'd like a reading list on Joint Parenting
or to discuss your situation further.
Neil...
|
| 270.4 | Been away for a while | CSC32::HADDOCK | Don't Tell My Achy-Breaky Back | Tue Jul 27 1993 14:26 | 10 |
| The best advice I can offer is that I've given so often before in this
file. DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT. Keep a diary/journal of every thing
that happens. Especially around her drinking and physical abuse, _and_
around things that you do with/for the kids. _You_ may want the
process to remain amicable and do everything you can to keep it so, but
these things have a nasty habit of getting very ugly before they're
over. Hope for nice, prepare for nasty. Too many men go in not
prepared for nasty and get shafted.
fred()
|