| Title: | Welcome to the Non-Custodial Parents Conference |
| Notice: | Please read 1.* before writing anything |
| Moderator: | MIASYS::HETRICK |
| Created: | Sun Feb 25 1990 |
| Last Modified: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 420 |
| Total number of notes: | 4370 |
This is the first note that I've entered although I've been a reader of
this conference for about nine months.
Background:
After 21 1/2 years of marriage, the last 3/4 year of which saw a rapid
deterioration in relations between my wife and I, my "to-be-ex" set up
a situation that resulted in me giving her one push. She used that as
a reason to ask and get issued a restraining order which she then used
on me at 3:00 A.M. on a Saturday morning. I had just gotten in at
10:00 PM from a three day business trip.
To summarize a lengthy story -- which is still very painful for me to
recount -- I left with the clothes on my back and stayed with friends.
When I showed up in court to argue why the order should be lifted she
had me served with a divorce complaint. As I started to present my
side to the judge he literally began to sign his name on the extension.
I had heard that justice was blind, but did not know until then that it
was also deaf.
A week and a half later in Probate Court (Cambridge, Mass) my lawyer
and her lawyer negotiated a "temporary order" that gave her exclusive
occupancy of the house, physical custody of our three children (girl
now 15, boys 11 1/2 and 7) and my "right" to have them every other
weekend and one night during the week "when their schedules permit",
the right to continue to help them with their homework, drive them to
appointments, activities, and functions, and to generally be as much of
a "co-parent" as possible including "sitting" for them if she was out.
Since I was concerned about minimizing the disruption to the kids and
keeping the house AND was trying to reconcile, I agreed to pay her $800
a week for three months. The order to be revised at the end of that
period.
I tried very hard to reconcile for three months and agreed to extend
the order for another month. However, toward the end of August she
told me to `drop dead' and that she was going ahead with the divorce.
She "kindly" agreed to drop the amount to $730/week.
During the four months I had been (and am) living in a small furnished
room in a single family house about 12 miles/20 minutes away from kids.
I work about 8 minutes away from them so I was over frequently during
the summer -- during lunch and after work. However, I never got a
phone call from the kids. I never was asked to take them anywhere, to
sit with them or to help them with homework.
(I should add at this point that for one month of this time she was in
school 3 - 4 nights a week and 1 - 2 weekend days a month; I had help
the kids with homework almost every night, took care of the house and
the "dad's taxi service" for ferrying them around to friends, school,
soccer, etc. and put them to bed (especially the youngest) most of the
time.)
At the end of August my "to-be-ex" told me that I could now only come to
the house to exercise my scheduled visitation. If I showed up at any
other time she would "exercise her legal rights" (ie. get another
restraining order).
Everyone who meets my kids now says that they're very quiet and
withdrawn. They NEVER talk about what they're doing in school, let
alone what they do at home. And these are three kids that could
monopolize dinner conversation for hours before the separation
occurred! Their mother has admitted that she has told them not to
answer the phone unless they are there. When she is there and I call I
have been told that she stands right next to the phone, so the kids
don't talk much. They never call me. She has also admitted to
deliberately leaving the house when I have said that I would be over to
visit the kids.
Finally in frustration I vented and said that I'd delay the weekly
check if I didn't get to see them more. *** wrong move *** She had
her lawyer immediately file a motion to attach my wages alleging that I
had been frequently late and that I not going to pay any more support
without more visitation. (I had ALWAYS been on time except for that
once when I held it for two days!) My lawyer has counter-filed a
motion to put in an increased, fixed visitation schedule (the word
"visitation" really rankles me since I want to be a "real" parent), and
to change the support to follow the Mass. child support guidelines.
We go to court tomorrow to battle it out.
The reason for writing this note:
My lawyer tells me that I have little to no chance to still be a "real"
parent given the "slightly biased" (my words, not his) attitudes in
Massachusetts toward the mother, (This is not to cast any aspirsions
towards the females reading this, but merely reflects my sense of the
current conditions here.) IF we try to argue on any traditional
father/male/economic basis.
I really miss my kids. I really miss being able to be a father to
them. And, dammit, I am crying at this point because I can't help it.
I want to be an effective parent to them too. Or as my lawyer said
"giving them the benefit of equal parenting from the father. I DON'T
want to be just an "entertainment director" every other weekend at
best. Being a parent to me means being there for them when they need
me, and having them be able to get to me.
I am even looking at renting a house (if I can possibly afford it) near
my to-be-ex and kids so that I could be able to get them 1/2 time and
shared physical custody. My to-be-ex at hearing this got very upset
and said that she would NEVER agree to shared physical custody. Her
attitude is really that she would prefer that I disappear from the face
of the earth and never be heard from again as long as the weekly
support checks keep coming.
Our argument is that the the support laws (and legal system) assume that
the mother is a more fit parent than the father. The father is better
fit to go out and earn the money to turn over to the mother. This in
inherently GENDER BIASED and is in violation of the Equal Rights
Amendment to the Massachusetts consititution. The father should have
an equal right to offer the children the benefits of his parenting as
the mother does. Indeed, they should have the benefits of both --
equally.
My lawyer says that this is "new law" and would probably have to be
appealed up the court system. His estimate is that it could easily
cost $40,000 to $60,000 during the next two years.
As much as I love my kids and want to be with them I'm ready to give
up. I can't afford this kind of a legal fight by myself -- even if it
would benefit a lot of other fathers out there besides myself who want
to be with their kids.
So, readers (if you have got this far which is much longer than I had
intended when I started), have you any suggestions for me? Is there
anywhere I can turn for assistance? I would dearly appreciate any
advice or information you could offer. Any encouragement would also be
helpful, since I've been feeling pretty lonely these days.
Thanks,
Steve
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 167.1 | Sounds all to familiar to me...... | TROOA::AKERMANIS | Wed Oct 30 1991 20:15 | 25 | |
Hi Steve, Your ex sounds just like mine, we had agreed to live part for a week to see how we felt, 10 nano seconds later, the locks had been changed on the house. Your pattern sounds just all to close to home for me, but can't put my finger on anyone thing, since too many things are going on. The best advice other than a good lawyer, is document, document, document every thing that is going on, visitations, phone calls, your kids comments, your ex's comments, anything that may prove useful to identify a pattern to a judge. The worst mistake I made was being to nice to my ex and being reasonable when the same was not being returned (mind you keep civil, you should appear to be the reasonable one). You'll crash and burn and end up living below the poverty line (if you can live at all). I get the feeling your ex will take you for everything she can from the sounds of it. You seem to be ending up with less and less, again, sounds familiar. Shop around, there are some good lawyers out there, but beware, there are a few that are real 'beep' 'beep' one's too. The latter will just pick you clean and you get nothing for all the dollars you have paid out. Good luck, John | |||||
| 167.2 | RIPPLE::KENNEDY_KA | Counting down! | Wed Oct 30 1991 21:20 | 5 | |
Steve,
I don't have any advice for you, but you have my support. I'm truly
sorry you are going through this.
Karen
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| 167.3 | AIMHI::RAUH | Home of The Cruel Spa | Thu Oct 31 1991 10:10 | 9 | |
One smart move:
1. UNDER NO EXCUSE AT ANY LEVEL. DO NOT GO INTO THE MARRITAL HOME
UNLESS YOU HAVE AN O.K. FROM THE COURT. REASON IS IF YOU TWO BIRDS HAVE
A SPAT AGIAN YOUR GOING TO GET KEAL HAULED ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF THAT
COURT HOUSE. AND ITS AN UGLY SIGHT. This is in capital letters for a
reason!
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| 167.4 | welcome to America the land of.... | CSC32::HADDOCK | the final nightmare | Thu Oct 31 1991 16:27 | 38 |
Steve,
Welcome to the nation that just passed all the "equal rights"
legislation (sarcasm intended).
I can't tell you how many times I've heard your story. This is not
a slam against you, but it seems that it's almost impossible to get
NCP's (mainly men, but not always) to fight this &^#$@ as a group.
The one's that it's already happened to are too bankrupt both
financially and emotionally to fight and the ones that it hasn't
happened to keep their heads burried deep.
You have to get over the emotional &^%^ as quickly as possible, and
start thinking/acting coldly and rationally. Make no mistake about it
this is *war*, and you have to become a warior. At stake is nothing
less than the future and well being of your children. Find an NCP support
group. There some listed in this notes file.
The biggest weapon that you have now (to repeat .2) is document,
document, document. I know it's a pain mentally and emotionally,
but DO IT! Keep a log/journal of when, where, who, and what happened.
It's admissable evidence and can help establish patterns for the
court, and admissable evidence is going to be in *very* short
supply. Mostly it's going to be your word agains hers and you
know which way that is going to go.
Even if you have a lawyer, go to a library (public or university) and
read up on the divorce/custody laws. It's hard reading (take a
dictionary) and emotionally a %$#@& to deal with, and will probably
turn your stomach when you find out just how bad things really are,
but KNOW THE LAWS AND YOUR RIGHTS. DON'T DEPEND ON YOUR LAWYER TO
TAKE CARE OF YOU.
Present every argument as its benefit and/or harmfullnes to the kids.
The court doesn't give a rat's %$#*@ about *you*, but will listen
(a little) when the kid's well-being is involved.
fred();
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| 167.5 | Badly bruised, but not out | GEMVAX::BRACE | Thu Oct 31 1991 17:16 | 53 | |
Thank you all for your kind messages and notes of advise and support.
It is *really* appreciated.
Well, after waiting for almost three hours I got my 10 minutes -- or
was it 20? -- in court. We had a new (woman) judge, and we were the
last case she heard. It was past her lunchtime & she did not want to
waste any time. I won't know the decision until sometime next week.
My lawyer kept it short and sweet summarizing why the wage garnishment
(is that right?) shouldn't be granted, why the Mass child support
guidelines should apply and how, and why my requested "visitation"
schedule should be granted. I asked for my kids about 30% of the time
for the next two months since we anticipate going to trial in early
January.
Her lawyer appeared to have pissed off the social worker and then
seemed to do the same to the judge by trying to do **BIG TIME**
character assassination on me ( so bad that even my to-be-ex was
shaking her head "no" a few times ) and not keeping to direct
arguments. It almost seemed as if she was trying to get me denied ANY
visitation time... and then ended up by agreeing to much of the
requested schedule!
I have **NEVER** heard or had such lies and slander directed at me --
added to, in part, by my to-be-ex's "log" that she appears to have kept
of all of my comings and goings together with her impressions. What an
AWFUL experience!!!
At any rate I learned something that was new to me: if a CP is a
welfare or public aid recipient a wage garnishment is AUTOMATIC. ANY
OTHER CP can get a wage garnishment simply by asking the (in
Massachusetts) Department of Revenue. As of 1995 wage garnishment will
be automatic in ***ALL*** child support cases! Yes, that means for
*everyone*!
Another example of the bad apples spoiling it for the rest of us who do
their best to voluntarily comply.
Let me add here that this is especially ironic for me personally. You
see, for the past year I have spent most of my time working on
automated child support enforcement systems. Federal law mandates that
all states must have a state-wide computerized system/network in
operation by 1995. These are BIG networks -- and in which IBM, UNISYS,
and DIGITAL are the only computer vendors certified to supply
equipment. These are also your classic "big brother" programs. Unless
you've been involved in these you guys (women, too) have NO IDEA what
they can get to. And they will be interconnected nationwide.
Well, I'll keep you posted as soon as I hear anything.
Thanks,
Steve
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| 167.6 | ESMAIL::BEAN | Attila the Hun was a LIBERAL! | Thu Oct 31 1991 17:34 | 35 | |
Steve...
To add support to the others who have replied... you MUST take care of
yourself. Find some support (this notesfile is just one small piece of
that), and I would strongly recommend you get some professional
counselling to help you deal (personally) with the emotional upheavals
which are now happening and which will continue to happen. Also, see
to it that your kids get the same sort of support/counselling. Start
with the school and take it as far as you need to.
Your relationship with the ex, as bad as it seems now, is really not
that unusual. It may get worse, so be prepared.
Look for signs that the kids are being used. It can happen at any age.
YOur ex will not hesitate to slander and accuse.
I am presently in litigation with my ex. She has countered with
allegations that I am emotionally disturbed, and represent a threat to
the physical and/or emotional well being of my children if they are
"forced" to visit me in MA. She is also alleging that I am behind in
child support.
I took the advise of others and have documented everything... they are
all fabrications, and the court WILL know it. BUt, in the meantime,
my kids are being told all this shit and untold damage is being done.
Watch out for that... winning any legal battle will never undo what
hurt is caused by the battle.
So, it happens. All the time. Be honest with yourself, your kids,
your ex, and remember... IT HURTS NOW, BUT IT WILL WORK OUT IN THE END.
It just sometimes takes so much time!
tony
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