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Hi Ellen,
I don't know how much information you will gain here regarding your
situation but if you press KP/7, BLENDED_FAMILIES will be added to
your conferences.
From what I can gather, you wish to find out more on what legalities
exist for 2 female cohabitants regarding guardianship of a child and
how to deal with it regarding insurance, the male society, and just
society in general. Am I reading your note correctly?
Unfortuntely, your note didn't mention if the natural father of the
child is active in visiting the child, paying support, or whatever,
so I don't know how much or what kind of information anyone could
provide you with.
If you wish to elaborate some more, I'm sure you'll get some more
responses.
Thanks,
Kenn
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| Hi Ellen! Fred suggested that I read your note since he thought I might
have something to add. I have not read this file before, and Kenn is right:
there are other notesfiles that might help you more, such as BLENDED_FAMILIES,
PARENTING, and BGLAD (Bisexuals, Gays, and Lesbians at Digital). I will,
however, help you as much as I can.
First of all, to explain about myself. I am a lesbian living in Colorado (not
a very progressive place sometimes, really good other times). :-}
My spouse and I have one child, to whom I gave birth, and now we are working
on our second child, to whom she will give birth. We also own a house together
(as well as cars, cats, hamsters, etc) and have been together for 6 years.
Our son is 2 1/2.
Our situation may be similar in some ways to your and different in others.
Feel free to send me mail if you need/want to.
Much of what you can do will depend on Kenn's questions.
*IS* the biological father known to you? Is he involved in any way in
the child's life? Is his name on the birth certificate? How did you
become pregnant? Through Artificial Insemination? At a doctor's office
or at home? Did the doctor inseminate you, or was it a nurse? In many
states, all of this matters.
If you became pregnant through sex with a man, then much depends on whether or
not you know him and what his relationship is with the child. The chances are
that you could not give any rights *or* legal responsibilities to your
roommate so long as he is involved and/or known. My first piece of advice,
and probably my best piece of advice, is FIND A REALLY GOOD LAWYER to discuss
this with. Average lawyers will not do. They don't know *anything* about
this, and although they might be willing to look it up, it will cost you
a lot more. Your best bet is to call your local Gay/Lesbian Community
Center. Even if you are not gay, they should be able to recommend a lawyer
who will be more helpful to you. The lawyer can tell you what the laws
are in your state about abandonment, child support, and many things that
I wouldn't even know about. They can also tell you other things, things
that pertain to having no legal father, such as if the child was conceived
through AI.
If the child was born from artificial/alternative insemination, then there are
other matters involved. In Colorado, if you get pregnant through AI in a
doctor's office with an anonymous donor then the child is considered to have no
legal father. This means if you have to make an important decision (such as
the name change that my family went through) then you don't have to put an
advertisement in the newspaper saying, "is anyone out there the father of this
child? I want permission to change his/her name." It gets tedious enough to
deal with people without these hassels. It would be more than tedious in the
case of an emergency.
In some states, if the donor is known, or if the AI was done at home (even
with anonymous donor sperm from a sperm bank), the child will be considered
"illegitimate" (a concept not legally used in Colorado) and there will be no
way (that I know of) to put anyone else as the child's parent/guardian. SEE
YOUR LAWYER.
Okay, on to the rest. You don't say whether your roommate works for Digital
or not, or whether you do. For us, when I was pregnant my spouse worked
for a Dept of Defense contractor. She was the only technical woman and
worked with many middle-aged men. She also had a security clearance and
the important folks knew she was gay. When I became pregnant she announced
that she would be taking a few weeks of vacation time in about 9 months.
She ended up coming out to the rest of them, and they were very supportive.
We have made it clear to EVERYONE that the child(ren) is OURS. Our families
and friends, daycare providers, doctors, etc all respect this (or they are
not in our life; we don't need anymore prejudice against our children than
they are going to get anyway). When at that job or at her new job, she
takes time off whenever she has to get him to the doctor or whatever, and
she takes us to her company picnics and parties just as her coworkers take
their families. I do the same with Digital activities.
For all of our work, however, we still have little or no legal recourse in some
areas. We have written up Durable Power of Attoneys for each other. At the
hospital we are both listed as our son's parents, but the birth certificate
only lists me. Currently few insurance companies and workplaces will insure
our son under her, or our new-child-to-be under me (even though I am already
paying for dependent care). We have in our Wills that if one of us were to die
that we would want the other to raise the children. However, this has NO LEGAL
SIGNIFICANCE. It only states our desires at the time that we were living. If I
were to die tomorrow, any of my relatives - ANY, even a 14th cousin! - could
come and pick up my son and have more say about him than the mother he has
known all of his life. The judge can totally ignore my wishes in this.
I don't mean to paint such a bleak picture, but it is reality. If you are
willing to speak out every time you are questioned: at hospitals, at the
pediatrician's, at daycare, with your family, at work, then you can ease the
problem considerably. Anytime you were asked the name of the parents of the
child, make sure to give them both names. Anytime someone refers to you as the
mother, and ignores your roommate, you must nicely (but firmly) correct
them. This will help you through most days, and that can be a tremendous
help. Remember, though, that it may not help in the event of a disaster.
Whether you would do this or not depends greatly on whether you are willing to
be thought of as a lesbian, which can be very scary whether you are gay or not.
You must figure out what you are willing to lose in order to gain. I have
found that it is worth it; you will have to make your own choice.
As to her adopting the child, that depends on many things as well. Twice in
Alaska, twice in California, and twice in Washington a person has adopted the
child of their same-sex partners, but those were cases when there was only one
legal parent. In many states, if a mother *gives up* the child for adoption,
she cannot say *who* she wants to adopt the child - the child would go into the
pool for anyone to adopt. That is the way it is in Colorado. For
guardianship, the birthmother would have to give up all rights herself to give
rights to her female spouse (or friend). Again, SEE A LAWYER for information
about your area.
I wish you much luck, Ellen. Please feel free to contact me for more
information, to reply here, or to write in the other notesfiles.
Hugs,
Carol
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