Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

91.0. "Any such thing as a time table?" by CSC32::K_JACKSON (It's not a dungeon-it's a F.U.D.I.) Tue Oct 09 1990 11:20

The following entry has been contributed by a member of our community who
wishes to remain anonymous.  If you wish to contact the author by mail, please
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				Thanks,

				Kenn
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		Can someone give me a hand with the timetable, and explain as to
		when I will get an answer from the courts?
		

Spring of 89 - 	Children request to move in with non_custodial_parent.
		speak with lawyer, recommends to buy a house, as it 
		provide a place for the children to go to.  Purchase house
		financially strapped.

Summer of 89 - 	Children to visit Florida for the month, NCP attempts to 
		put a restraining order of leaving.  Not for sake of
		squelching vacation, person living at vacation residence	
		is a known substance abuser, under doctor's orders for
		lithium to combat manic depression, and who happens to be
		the children's uncle. The court mediator found no reason
		to prevent the trip.  Investigation done at request of NCP
 		found no problem with children not having adequate 
		clothing, no parental supervision after school or during 
		evening, and physical abuse from mother's current boyfriend. 

Fall of 89 - 	Children extremely unhappy about living with their 
		mother.  Starting to get very vocal during visitation
		weekends and during phone conversations, about living
                conditions.  Youngest child complains of being 
		physically abused by EX's boyfriend again.  Children 
		restricted from calling NCP due to claims of high phone
		bill, they call collect to hide charges.

December 89 - 	Oldest child refuses to go home to mother, work it out
		so they can visit whenever they want.  Oldest child
		still cries when she leaves during Christmas day. Oldest
		and NCP spent three hours discussing problems at home, 
		recommend conversations with school guidance counselor
		begin to insure oldest moving for the right reasons.

January 90 - 	Oldest child announces that she is ready to move out
		and in with non_custodial_parent.  She has been seriously  
		thinking about it for the entire month, and announces
		it on NCP's birthday. NCP recommends visiting with school
		guidance counselor, to make sure she understands the problems
		of what could occur by requesting to move out. Work with 
		Guidance Counselor to insure child is moving out for right 
		reasons.

April 1990 - 	Youngest child announces is ready to move out, and in
		with non_custodial_parent.  Has the same problems with mother
		as oldest.  Oldest still asking to move out, has been
		told by Guidance Counselor she is ready, both children now 
		seeing guidance counselor at school.

May 1990 -	Children so wound up about not wanting to live with mother,
		they are requested by NCP to document what the problems are, 
		oldest produces five page document, youngest delivers two page
		document.  Submit to lawyer for assistance. Lawyer contacts
		ex asks for transfer of custody, refused, we schedule for 
		court. Letters are made public to ex, ex goes ballistic, dumps 
		on the kids for two hours, then calls her sister over and 
		dumps on them again.  This happens for the next three nights.
		In court, we go through mediation process, court mediator review 
		documents claim no child wants to leave their mother. Court 
		Mediator refuses to believe any mother or her family 
		would do to this to her children as my ex did to my kids for 
		those four nights.  Court mediator refuses all documentation 
	        supplied.  Ex's lawyer claims children were bribed, coerced, and 
		threatened to write letters.  Court mediator recommends legal or 
		court appointed psychologist, ex refuses both claiming financial
 		difficulties (two new cars in one year). Ex accepts a 
		psychologist only if it is not split fifty - fifty, would rather 
		have based on salary (3 to 1). The case is recommended that 
		court appointed psychologist speak with them, and will determine 
		status at this time. Afternoon, taken back into court ex wants 
		NCP to pay for all legal costs, claiming no money to pay.  NCP 
		lawyer shows amount of child support and ex take home pay, 
		should be sufficient to pay.  Judge takes case under review will
		get back to us.

June 1990	Slight altercation in EXs driveway, sucker punched twice
		by ex, as well as the usual obscenities.  Rationale for
		ex's flare-up, oldest was to have orthodontia work, never
		discussed this with NCP, and was upset that NCP refused to
		allow this treatment or pay for the bills until information
 		received such as, who, what, when, where and why was
		documented.  NCP stayed in the car, and let it happen as last
		time NCP got kicked in the groin and then hit with 
		the restraining order by the ex. 

July 1990	Children are taken to Florida, without permission or consent
		missing visitation weekend.  I instructed ex not to take or
		have ex take children to Florida, as children did not want to
		leave early for fear of missing weekend.  No letters from the 
		Guardian-Ad-Lidem.  Child Support payments are still kept up, in 
		excess of $1300. per month for supporting children not living at 
		home.		

August 1990	Children back from Florida, spending the entire month with 
		NCP, no reduction in child support, plus additional expenses
		of baby-sitting, food, entertainment, etc.  No word received 
                from Guardian-Ad-Lidem, speak with kids explain what we have 
		to do, go out and get a psychologist that will speak with us.
		Day before scheduled appointment with psychologist, court 
		mediator calls and tells me this is the way it's gotta be
		you have to go to the court psychologist, because "we" went 
		through all this trouble.  Note, this is now three months of 
                waiting, for what they claim they went through all this trouble.
		NCP visits with psychologist, three days later children are
		taken to visit with doctor.  NCP asks for return of money
		due from joint savings account which was never returned,
		ex claims the money is savings account is what she had 
		saved from her salary, exceeds 5k.  This is in contradiction
		to what was stated to court mediator and to judge. No 
		information on Psychologist's conversation at the request of 
		children.  Children inform me on the way home, they were told 
		because of the court being as slow as it is, it may take some to 
		get their wishes answered.

September 1990	Children back home, Ex and children visit psychologist, after
		their meeting, ex breaks down in public place for what was
		described as dumping her feelings on kids, and kids were told
		they were being lied to by NCP.  Oldest has slumber party 
		at NCP's house for birthday, reason ex refused because oldest
		was to old for a slumber party.  The hardest part was convincing
		parents that even though I was an NCP that I was reputable.
		Party comes off without a hitch, graded as "wicked awesome"
		by attendees.  Children requested to stay additional night,
		as agreed to within legal document signed after divorce, 
		children refused as ex stated it was an inconvenience.  Ex
		puts a new rule on visitation, if children wish to stay on
		Sunday evening of visitation weekend, ex must be asked the
		Wedensday before the weekend. I took them home, and children 
		went through another evening of terror.  Children called asking 
		to be picked up because of abuse they were receiving, both 
		physical and verbal.  EX stated it was only a problem between 
		mother and daughter.  NCP refused, requested to allow them to 
		speak with Psychologist (Guardian Ad Lidem), but was refused 
		twice. I called the local Police department, but told that it 
		was a civil matter, so they could not get involved.  I called 
		the abuse hot line and they informed me to call the local 
		police, vicious circle.  I called the psychologist on Monday, 
		explaining the situation, and he asked me to bring them in, I 
		told him I was refused twice, he told me he had to get more 
		information from the kids, so he would bring them back in.  My 
		oldest called and told me they were going, the request was that 
		the children were afraid of being in a room with their mother,
		while they told them of their problems; They asked me to be home 
		in the event she started hitting them and yelling at them in the
		car.

Presently	I have no idea what the status is of the psychologist's report
		nor am I allowed to request this information from the Doctor,
		as my lawyer recommended this would like I was trying to sway
		the final report.  My children are being psychologically 
		abused, if you move in with your father, you will never see
		your friends, do the social events, and the crusher, I would
		have to move into a one bedroom apartment.  How long do I have 
		to wait before I get results.  Has anybody else lived through a 
		nightmare similar to this?  If you had been successful in 
		getting custody, what were the timeframes for you?  How long did
                the hurt last for the kids?  How do you get anyone to
 		understand these problems are real?     	
	
 

    For all those wondering, the base note is presently being discussed
    by the mods and the author.  Sorry for not making that clearer earlier.
    
    Al
    Co-Mod

    How about 8 years.  If you have monitoring this as well as blended
    families you have seen the BS I have recently been going through.  It
    puzzles the life out of me WHY nobody (including my current wife) will
    believe that the childrens mother could possibly be the witch she is. 
    I know, my children know, we have lived with her.  The rest of the
    world?  HA!
    
    What can you really do?  Be patient, supportive, correct in your
    actions (in the legal sense) and keep plugging away.  You neglected to
    state the childrens ages but I gather that they may not be in their
    teens.  That makes it tough because once they are teenagers, their
    wishes carry greater weight.  IMHO, the wheels of justice not only
    grind exceedingly slowly but the tend to make hamburger out of the
    victims.
    
    jimc