Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

  Steve,

    I'm not from Mass. and I don't know how many other notes you have 
  seen in here but be prepared to "possibly" face the worst...

  Even though you bought the house from a previous spouse it will most
  likely have no effect if she has a good lawyer.  Once you are married
  and you lived in or rented out the house to someone else, she will be
  entitled to compensation.  This could mean, sale of the house and
  she gets part of the monies, or you may be offered to buy "her" share
  from her.

  She will be entitled to child support which could be as much as 50%
  from what I have heard from other individuals in the conference who
  are paying.

  I would say your best bet is to review the titles of other notes and
  look at them and if you still have some questions, post them and
  we'll try and help ya.

  The main thing in all of this, is help the children through this 
  ordeal.  Try not to fight in front of them and don't bad mouth the
  other party in front of them.  As you mentioned, you are trying to
  keep the communication lines open but the slightest irritation could
  shut it down immediately.

  What ever you say toward the ex will stick in the children's mind.
  They are probably feeling hurt because they could be thinking that
  they are causing the divorce.  Sit them down (if possible, both 
  parties should) and explain to them why it's happening and that no
  matter what, you both love them dearly and will make sure that they
  will continue to be loved after it becomes final.

  Try to reason with your soon to be ex.  Does she work??  If she does
  look at her salary compared to yours.  The courts *should* look at 
  these and other factors when considering everything, but then most
  times they don't.

  This conference is filled with a wealth of knowledge so feel free
  to ask away.

  Good luck...  We'll all be here for you when you need us!!


  Kenn

    If you owned the house outright before you were married, you may have a
    chance, or you may get some consideration for the equity in the house
    that you had before you were married.  Everything that you have paid
    on the house since you were married will *probably* be fair game.
    
    It's difficult when you still care about someone to do something that
    may anger or hurt them, but once Divorce Decrees are handed down,
    they are *very* difficult to change.  So if you are going to do 
    anything, you'd better do it NOW because it will be *much* more
    difficult to do later if not impossible.
    
    I'd suggest going to the library and locating the state statutes.
    Look up the laws on divorce.  It's hard reading (take your dictionary)
    and may be difficult to do emotionally, especially at this time, but 
    *DON'T* leave everything up to your lawyer.  *KNOW* WHERE YOU STAND.
    
    I second Ken's suggestion on leaving the kids out of it as much as
    possible.  Kid's tend to take on the responsibility that for some
    reason divorce is their fault or there was *something* they could
    have done (behaved batter?) that would have helped.  You will have
    to help them avoid this.  Try to keep in touch with them as much
    as possible.  People tend to ignore the big hole that's left in a
    child's life when father leaves.  Even if you weren't all that
    *close*.  It's NEVER agood idea to just but out of their lives.  It's
    *their* *RIGHT* to have you as part of their lives.
    
    fred();
    

    I can recall some of the things my ex-husband and I agreed on before
    getting anything in writing with the attorney.
    
    We agreed, no matter how hurt either of us was, to NEVER use our
    daughter against the other and we have stuck to it.  If you read
    some of my other comments in this file I think you will agree that
    we have a very good "working" divorce.  Of course, we split the
    house (he actually bought me out) but the garden tools, lawn mower,
    workshop tools I considered his and even though my attorney said
    I was entitled to half the value, I couldn't be that petty.  In
    return, he considered the china and crystal mine, etc.  My point
    is that if you are willing to give a little (maybe even more than
    you think is reasonable) the payback is a good "working" divorce
    and the children benefit.  
    
    One thing that my attorney suggested that neither of us thought
    of and put in the agreement was the possibility of relocation. 
    We have stipulated that I am the custodial parent, we have joint
    custody but the first parent to move more than a 50 mile radius
    from the marital home relinquishes custody to the other parent.
    He did relocate to Canada on a two year contract and agonized over
    it for quite awhile.  I guess the clause was mostly for me so that
    I didn't just pickup my daughter in a fit of anger and move.  In
    any case, I didn't enforce this clause and he still has tremendous
    input in her upbringing.
    
    Good luck to you and I hope you and your wife will put the children
    first in every decision you make.  
    
    Susan
    

I have been going thru a custody evaluation with my wife and kids. My feeling
was that she was trying to leverage me out of the picture by making all sorts
of negative references to my parenting style. My lawyer felt that it would make
sense to see if these remarks would hold up in an evaluation. No final report 
yet, but I know that I won't hear what I hear from her.

The Evaluator recommended a book which should be required reading for parents
as they approach 7,14 and 21 year anniversaries. It is titled "Second Chances",
as it describes the impact of divorce on the individuals involved (primarily
the children). It is overwhelmingly negative about how the kids are the biggest
losers and rarely get a trickle-down from the parent's or parents' second chance
for happiness. You should read it and leave it around (but not too obviously).
Depending on how your wife is thinking, she could look at it and chuck it, or
perhaps it might be somewhat sobering. In my case my wife got really ripped at
the evaluator for recommending it, as she considered it very biased and 
unscientific (no control group). Funny, she can read "Seth Speaks" and pompously
criticize my skepticism for not wanting to consider "channeling" (no scientific
basis), but when the material doesn't serve her needs she swivels 180 degrees
and uses the same logic she put me down for. Maybe if Seth had said it. :+)

It is based on a very survey that has been unique in that it includes
5,10 and 15 year followup. It undoubtedly doesn't have a control group, and is
at least somewhat subjective. While the book could be a strong argument for not
divorcing, it probably is more importantly an argument for continued co-parenting
in the face of divorce. And as the sand of the hour glass slip away, I am facing
that issue more and more. I have slowly worked my way around to feeling less 
need for the relationship that was/wasn't (depending on who was describing it)
and more appreciative of the relationship that is (the one with the kids still 
flourishes).

Good Luck (don't bottle it up)

      Well its finally here, the "constable" delivered the MOTION FOR
    TEMPERARY ORDER and the Domestic Relation Summons with attached
    complaint for divorce with her requests "that the court" grant her
    this, that, etc.
      Guess I need to know whats next, suppose I call a lawyer soonest as
    court date is Sept 6th. Are the two papers I got separate items? that
    is whats on motion for temparary order has nothing to do with request
    for divorce?, the latter says something about waiver to 30 day filing
    also a attached sheet says something about answering complaint within
    20 days but thats after court date
      As you can see I'm confused, need ALL help I can get
    
    Thanks in advance
    Steve
    
    
    

    Get a lawyer a.s.a.p. and have him ask for a postponment until you
    and the lawyer can sort all this out and get your ducks in a row.
    Lools like she is trying to blitz you to ram some things through
    before you can respond.
    
    fred();