Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    I find the non-custodial parents file extremely helpful -- the most
    helpful of any of the non-work conferences I follow.  Being a
    non-custodial parent is very stressful.  Society, ex-spouses, children,
    families all seem to enjoy taking pot-shots at non-custodial parents,
    whether they deserve it or not.  Through the sharing that takes place
    in this conference, I have learned that I am not alone in the
    family situations I face on a daily basis.  I have learned to adopt a 
    more rational approach to being a non-custodial parent.  I have learned
    when it's appropriate to back off and when it's appropriate to stand up
    to my rights as a parent, even if I don't have physical custody of my
    children.  I can apply the lessons learned and shared by others to my 
    situation.  I can, in turn, share my experiences to benefit others.
    
    There is no other comparable resource for this type of information in 
    my life.
    
    The loss of this conference would be a tremendous loss to me.
    
    Karen Godin

    Attn: Moderators

    Several years ago (many now in 1977) I got divorced, and felt like I
    not  only  lost  my  family  closeness but many long term friends as
    well.   After  I  got  involved in a "Separated Persons" support and
    discussion group I  realized  that the feelings and experiences were
    unique only in the  sense  of  the  specifics as they applied to me.
    
    The  feelings, the losses, the  depression  and  some  despair  were
    common to most people in a similar situation.
    
    In similar manner, although I discovered this  media lately, I found
    this notesfile as having a similar focus.   
    
    NCPI provides a forum  for  parents  to  learn from each other, that
    while the specific details tend to be private and unique in details,
    many generalities can be shared, unlike  other  forums,  NCPI  deals
    specifically  with the situational conditions that can  isolate  the
    absent parent from their children, and addresses the  issues  on how
    to cope with these often complex, too often frustrating  issue,  and
    to find ways to ease the burden of anxiety the  situations too often
    impose on our children.

    In  reading over many of the notes I can sense the  anxiety  of  the
    noter,  and relate to some of them.  My own biological children  are
    now  "all  growed  up"  and  on their own, but some pains we do  not
    forget,  and  if  there  can  be  a  forum  to help another (in this
    situation), then let it be here.    

    Bob Early
        


>We would like for you tell us the benefits you have derived from this 
>conference and how it has helped you cope with this very stressful 
>subject.

>We would like to see you post your comments here but if you would like
>to send them to us, we would post them anonymously.  Obviously it is
>a very controversial subject, so ALL input is requested even if you are
>a READ ONLY noter.

>Thank you once again,

    
    
    When you get into work on Monday morning, after having spent the
    weekend fighting your ex over support.  When you drive over 140 miles
    to see your child.  When your ex says, "Oh by the way, I'm moving to
    New York".  When you get the door slammed in your face, or the phone
    slammed in your ear.  When you have to worry about covering the support
    check.  When you have to scrape up the coins to get yourself a decent
    lawyer.
    
    All this, and when;
    
    	You've got a major presentation at work on Monday.
    
    Thank God, there is some sanity, some sense of belonging, a feeling
    that you can get through it all, after having done just a little
    reading here.  For those who don't have family or friends nearby to
    lean upon, this conference is the difference between learning to cope
    and blowing your brains out.
    
    Sound dramatic?  I've seen it happen before....
    
    Keep the conference.
    
    NCP
    
    

    I, for one, would greatly miss this conference.  I am a custodial
    parent who has contributed to this conference some level-headed
    thinking and, at times, an unusual perspective.  But more importantly,
    I have received from this conference valuable support, ideas and
    input regarding my situation.  I have learned so much from the
    contributors to this conference about a perspective that we, as
    custodial parents, rarely see.  I can't say enough about the people
    who take a minute or two to give me their view of a situation that
    has me frazzeled and unable to cope.  I am in their debt.
    
    Susan
    

    NCPI is AT LEAST as relavant to Valuing Differences as many of the
    other notes files that I have participated in.
    
    Being an NCP is very stressful to myself and many of the people that
    I work with.  This notes file has given me more personal help and
    support than anything else Digital and the Employee Assistance 
    Program has been able to.
    
    I would greatly miss this conference should it go away.
    
    fred();

    
    Being a "custodial" stepmother and finding support and advice after
    a horrible week or weekend can bring me back to the point of sanity
    and help me to perform well again here at work.  I look forward to this
    conference and would be very disappointed if this important matter in
    my life were to be minimized...
    
    Thanks for requesting our input.
    
    Kim Renda

    Moderators,
    
    Can you please clarify what you mean by "the future of this conference
    will be decided by upper management?"
    
    Does this actually mean that the future of the conference residing ON
    THIS NODE, USING THESE RESOURCES, will be decided by upper management? 
    Or do you mean that someone in upper management might shutdown the
    topic itself?
    
    If the former is true, can't we just look for a new home for the
    conference?  If the latter, I would like more details - I have not seen
    such information regarding other valuing differences topics.  In fact,
    I have seen a recent policy SUPPORTING such valuing differences topics,
    within guidelines.
    
    Thanks,
    Kristen

    Yes, I agree.  If it is simply a matter of finding a new home, that 
    won't be *to* hard.  Conferences move all the time.  
    
    But, if they are trying to discontinue the topic all together, then
    that is a wholly different matter.  This conference has as much
    validity as any other non-work-related conference on the net.
    
    I wholly support the continued existance of NCP notesfile.
    
    Sue Walton

    Well folks, no need to get too upset.  I have just exchanged mail with
    Kenn, and he has assured me that he shall clarify this with all of
    you soon.
    
    Speaking for myself at the moment, I assure you that NCP will not
    dissappear.  I have offered my system to Kenn if the need arises.
    
    He is working the situation presently, and I am sure he will fill us
    all in in due time.
    
    Keep those notes coming though!
    
    Al
    
    Moderator

  Kristen,

  From what I have gathered but have not been able to discuss with the
  appropriate people is the fact that this conference resides on a 
  technical cluster.  What I mean by this is the fact that we do alot 
  of research on customer problems and try to duplicate them on this
  cluster.  Unfortunately, all of the nodes in the area are "technical"
  resources.

  When the conference was first created there were no problems with 
  having it on these systems.  However, newer policies have been
  implemented and one of them is that "no" non-technical notes conferences
  will reside on our systems.  

  Being in and out of the office the last couple of weeks I have not 
  been able to talk with the appropriate District Manager.  She is
  on vacation for the next 2 weeks so I discussed this over with the
  manager who has authority in her absence.  After explaining to him
  what the conference is all about, he was extremely helpful in allowing
  me to bring it back on line.  

  When the D.M. comes back and I explain it to her what it is all about
  I feel that she will be behind me as she encourages Valuing Differences.  
  If (due to the policy) I cannot, then the conference has been offered a 
  new home on CONURE thanks to Al Martin.  

  I apologize if I sounded like the topic was going away, but until I
  found out more info, I didn't know exactly what was happening.

  We will keep you posted as to what happens.  I want to thank everyone
  for providing their input on the conference.  I myself have not posted
  my comments as I have been extremely busy during the last couple of months
  working with my daughters and dealing with them plus we have seen a
  high volume of customer calls coming into the center.

  I have gotten mail from individuals wondering how I'm doing with my
  situation and I want to post it as soon as I can.  It has been quite
  an ordeal (almost a book) so I am trying to condense it and still have
  it make sense.


  Thanks,

  Kenn

    I have been an advit reader of this file for sometime now.  As you
    will see from the many replys I'm sure you will receive, you have
    many readers who are not active participants when it comes to writing
    but have sought the benefit of these discussions.
    
    The cost of legal fees are out of sight!!! I feel the knowledge
    I have received from this file is priceless.  In addition, I feel
    these people care about each other and together they offer the support
    the rest of us need!!!
    
    Keep up the good work, if a network can't aid a person in times
    of stress, give invaluable knowdlege to those who need someone to
    listen,as well as many other necessary needs, then we would all
    be in the wrong business.  As they say "WE HAVE IT NOW"  and to
    me helping ourselves help each other mean were "using it now".
    
    Thanks For All Your Help
    

    Many have already expressed feelings that I share about this
    conference.  I have been participating in it since the beginning, (or
    nearly so) and have received much help from it participants. 
    
    Having a forum within whose boundaries we can discuss personal and
    not-so-personal issues and experiences has benefitted me greatly. 
    After all, could we freely discuss our inter-marriage relationships in
    the Ham Radio Conference, or would we be as likely to share similar
    problems in the Human Relations notesfile, or in Parenting?  Perhaps,
    but not as likely, I feel.  
    
    This is HOME for those issues which we discuss here.  There are other
    Homes for other issues.  
    
    Non Custodial Parenting raises special, unique topics for discussion,
    and we all gain from the exchange of information here.  
    
    I'd like to thank those folks at CSC32 for allowing us to use their
    facility, and I hope our presence has not caused them any problem.  I
    also hope we can stay there, because those same resources are
    dependable and responsive.  And they have done yeoman service for us
    all.  So, whatever happens, thanks, and thanks again.
    
    tony

    Hello fellow noters.... I want to state just how much this fie means to
    me. I am a NCP who has gained a great deal of support and the teachings
    of all of those who participate in the file.  The experiences that are
    told and the learnings shared are invaluable for me and have helped me
    gain understanding and sanity out of all the chaos of my divorce and 
    estrangement from my children.  
    
    It would be a very sad day if the file were to be lost.  It truly
    represents all that can be gained from sharing experiences. 
    
    Here is my vote for keeping the notesfile  just as it is.
    
    
    								
    

    Hello, I am new to NOTES in general, and I just found this conference
    Saturday. I am in the process of getting divorced (not my idea). I have
    a lot of sadness, bitterness, and loneliness at the death of my dreams.
    I am now an NCP of three children, ages 4, 6, and 8. When I first
    started reading the notes Saturday, I had to leave, I was so disturbed.
    I read things both better and worse than my situation. That didn't make
    my situation change of course, but it is nice to know there are others
    with similar problems. My opinion of this conference: it was more
    important than sleep tonight (it is now 11 PM local time in Colorado
    Springs). 
    
    Thanks from one of the infamous Read-Only's.
    
    -- Neil --

    I'm another of the custodial parents, reading this conference to try
    and understand how the world looks from the other side.  It's been
    helpful to me in getting my son to look at how some of his actions may
    be interpreted by his Dad.  It's resulted in behavior change on that
    front.  Part of the benefit of this conference is that you've got folks
    who are in the middle of the issue talking with each other, rather than
    getting folks who aren't there but try to imagine 'what it must be
    like' or 'how it ought to be'.  Those can also be valuable insights,
    but don't carry the immediacy that comes from being there.  It helps to
    know the pitfalls others having found, so you avoid them.  (Find new
    problems instead (-: )
    
    I'm glad to hear the conference has an alternate home.  Sometimes I
    think conferences like this one should be considered part of the EAP
    program, rather than part of Valuing Differences.
    
    Alison

    Re. 15
    Agreed 1,000%!!!!
    
    I have been in several therapy groups and this is no different.  I
    believe it's many times better because of the wide variety of
    backgrounds.  This should be considered an EAP like extension!
    
    This support group has been and I expect will continue to be immensely
    helpful.  Keep it around!  Please!
    
    
    			Thanks,
    			   John Eerenberg @CEO

    Yes, keep it.  It helps all of us.
    
    - Kathryn (an NC Step-mom)

   Yes, please do keep this file!  I find it very informative and
   supportive.  Although I do not write much in here, I share much of the
   things I read in here. 

   If you ever need another home for this conference, I could take it on my
   workstation.

   Thanks.


   							Terza

    
    In echoing .3, from what has been shared in this file there can
    be no doubt that these problems could easily cause an employee to
    be unable to come in and do the job.  If this helps people cope,
    then that includes being able to do the jobs.  It shouldn't take
    a genius to see that.
    
    Steve
    

    Keep it! I am a US Citizen facing a divorce in Switzerland under
    a legal system that gives almost no rights to NCPs. What's more,
    the decisions I make now will have effects on me under US
    law once I return there. So I'm getting some very practical advice
    through this conference.
    
    On the emotional, psychological side, this conference has helped
    me face and deal with certain very difficult interpersonal issues.
    
    I can say without hesitation that it is helping me remain a productive
    person at DEC as well. Please keep it! 

    
    I mirror the others, Keep this note.  I only wish this was around
    a little earlier when I had to go to court again for support.
            
    The information available here is invaluable to someone even thinking
    of a divorce.
    
    Cal.