Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    a bit over a year ago, my wife (then she was my fiance) came to texas
    to visit.  she met three of my kids, ages from 10 to 20.  at the time,
    the kids seemed ok with her.  they laughed, and were friendly.  
    
    later, (after my ex had a chance to work on them???  i don't know) both
    the little ones (10 and 12) said they didn't like her...and in fact
    "hated" her.  Since then, we married, and those same kids still reject
    her...saying things like they don't need another mom, and some other
    really tacky stuff.  much of what they verbalize is obviously their
    mom's words.
    
    you won't have that problem, (i think) because your ex is re-married,
    and the notion of mom or dad having a girl/boy friend is already
    experienced by them.  
    
    however, i'd suggest you take it easy, and don't move too fast around
    them, limiting the open signs of affection you and your girlfriend
    might normally display.  remember, your feelings towards your
    girlfriend are a new experience to them.  
    
    i like your idea of her having a motel room while you visit the kids. 
    time will come for closer relationship in their presence.
    
    just my 2bits
    
    tony

    
    A new S.O. meeting your kids, IMO, is like your going out on a blind
    date.  That is, it is best to plan some type of activity to ease
    some of the awkwardness of the situation.
    
    Now my kids were still pre-teen at the time, so we went roller skating.
    This was something they enjoyed, and therefore didn't have to spend
    every second with us.  My now-wife was content to ease into the
    kid's life gradually.  The kids asked her to skate with them--in
    other words, she let the kids make the first move.  When they came
    over to visit, we rented movies or play board games. It didn't matter
    as long as we all did things together.
    
    At first I'm sure they felt that their step-mom was just a fun person
    to be with, but as time went on they really began to give her the
    respect she deserves.  At times, one of them will go shopping with
    their "wicked stepmother" as they most affectionately call her,
    they spend time alone with her, and I am really surprised at times
    how open they can be with her, sometimes more open than they can
    be with their mother and me.
    
    I guess I'm lucky that the adjustment seemed to go so smoothly.
     When we married, the kids seemed genuinely excited as we made sure
    they were part of the planning of the wedding, as well as part of
    the ceremony.  So far, so good.
    
    -Dick
    

    When I first met my husband's son I was VERY nervous even though
    at the time I had no idea I would eventually marry this guy.  His
    son had just turned six and we had been dating only about two months.
    This was also the day I was meeting his ENTIRE FAMILY - mom, dad,
    sister, brother, their spouses, cousins, aunts and uncles.  One
    of his uncles has a family gathering every summer and this was it.
    After a lot of pacing in my house before they picked me up, I finally
    just gave in and said "These people are either going to like me or
    they're not and the same goes for his son.  I am simply going to be
    myself and not worry.  Whatever happens, happens."  I never forced a
    relationship with his son - it just evolved on its own.  Now I know
    it sounds trite, but that's my suggestion to your girlfriend - to just
    be herself.  After all, *you* really like her, right?  If your kids
    are anything like you, they'll like her too.  They just don't want to
    feel like a relationship is being forced on them.  Now, I'm not saying
    that that's what you're doing, but sometimes kids perceive this to be.
    Just have a nice, relaxing day hanging out somewhere like a beach.
    Be sure to have lots of good food around - that always an icebreaker!
    Good luck, but I'm sure you'll all do just fine :-)
    
    - Kathryn
    
    P.S. My husband, like you, was nervous about me meeting his boy.
         Perhaps that was because he saw a future for us???  Maybe
         subconciously you *do* have wedding bells around the corner.
    

    Re .3
    
    Thanks.  Everything you have mentioned, she seems to have taken into
    consideration! She has suggested a picnic during the afternoon and some
    games (or whatever) during the evening.  Sunday will be church and
    lunch. After that we have to leave to get home at dark. The 2 days will
    be simple.  I *know* she will be herself; that's one of the things I
    really like about her.  Being a school teacher, she feels like she will
    be very comfortable with them.  As I talk to my kids more, I'll get a
    sense for their comfort level. 
    
    
>         P.S. My husband, like you, was nervous about me meeting his boy.
>         Perhaps that was because he saw a future for us???  Maybe
>         subconciously you *do* have wedding bells around the corner.
    No comment.  ;-)
    
    
    			Thanks,
    			   John

    John,
    
    Don't forget to keep us posted on how everything goes.  Sounds like
    you'll have a great day.
    
    Take care,
    Kathryn
    

    Well, it went really well.  The kids took to Cindy (my girlfriend)
    surprisingly quick.  There were a few bumps along the way due to
    my ex, but I simply ignored her tirade (I was 20 minutes late on
    a 6 hour drive) and thing went ok from then on.
    
    My oldest daughter was in a fund raiser beauty pageant and won 9th grade
    with a runner up overall.  That was neat to be a part of!  Her boy
    friend, with his mom, came over to give us a strawberry pie afterwards.
    We (all of us) played piano and sang for a awhile.  After socializing
    a bit they left.  It's really neat to be included by the people
    in this little town in WV.
    
    Sunday was good.  After church we had a birthday party for my (now)
    11 year old son.  That was special because he was born on Father's day
    and yesterday that 2 dates matched up for the first time since.
    
    Leaving was hard.  It was a very fast 2 days, but the time was so good
    that it really felt like I was with them longer (strange huh?). 
    
    Well, I gotta run, but I'd say all in all, things went very good.
    My girlfriend is a teacher and picked up a couple of things of concern.
    When I get it sorted out some, maybe I'll bring it up in this conference,
    but for now, I'm just happy they are doing fine overall and we spent
    some good time together.
    
    Thanks to all for the support.  It really does help to know I'm
    not alone.
      
    			Thanks,    
    			   John

    I'm 28 and I don't like my husband's wife.  They married when I
    was 9.  Never met her until I was 26.  I just don't like her.  She
    hates my mom because she was married to my dad once.  I guess that's
    why I don't like my husband's wife.  I resent his stepdaughters
    too, even though none of this is their fault.  I just resent that
    he's supported them and left me and my 3 sisters totally out of
    the picture.  God, if he were to suddenly suggest helping any of
    us out with College, I'm sure she'd raise some hell.  My mom raised
    us for the most part, single handedly.

    re. .7 - can I presume your references to "my husband's wife" should
    read "my father's wife"?
    
    K.