Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

Tony,

I am not in your situation but I can certainly imagine the guilt you must
feel.  Does the child support that you pay go toward the children?  If so,
is there any left over each month that she could put away toward summer?

Perhaps you could pay only what was agreed, and save the additional amount
to send for the summers.  Or use the additional amount for YOU to buy them
things (clothes, etc.) to send to them.  That may relieve some of the guilt
and make you more aware of what you do for them.

If you don't have the resources then the answer is pretty simple.  Or maybe
you could spring for one thing - pay their little league fee (directly) and
uniforms.  Or send something for them to take on their vacation.  Something
that was "from Dad" that you would like to do for them.

Just suggestions, based on no experience...  Best Wishes!

Kristen

    Tony,
    
      I guess it's good that you feel guilty, it shows you care.  I am in
    the same boat.  My ex wants more but I just don't have it to give.  You
    can't feel guilty about it.  You can't give what you don't have.  Don't
    beat yourself, there's enough bruises in a divorce without doning that.
    
    Tom 

  Tony,

   I would agree with .1.  First of all, do the best that you can in your 
current situation and DON'T FEEL GUILTY.  You being the responsible father 
you are, you're making every attempt to ensure that your children are taken 
care based on what you can provide.

Quite honestly, I think she has the nerve to put a money amount that
"she" wants you to provide.  

Kenn

    I certainly appreciate the dilemma that is referred to in the base
    note.  I feel that the  guilt is only a human trait but and I am
    talking from experience, dont let it affect what you are doing.  As a
    Matter of fact you are probably doing too much already.  My lawyer
    told me not to set any precedents beyond the norm.. I other words don't
    start paying for things outside the written agrement unless I wanted to
    do it for the term of the support.  
    
    I think you should check yourself..
    
       a.  are you paying the Texas Guidelines?
       b.  are you comfortable with the care your children are receiving?
       c.  are the children basically happy and well adjusted?
       d.  Do you pay the full amount when the kids are with you.
       e.  Why should you assume the additional costs during time when 
           normal costs are lower, (no school clothes, heat, transportation
           ect.)
       f.  Are you selling yourself short and not preparing and adequate 
           future for yourself
       g.  Since your wife makes more than you is she using some of it to
            support the children?
       h.  Finally have you had a talk with the children to explain the
           facts of life to them? (what you pay, how it affects their wellbeing
           how it affects your lifestyle
    
    If you check yourself you will probably get a message of relief, and
    allow yourself to take adequate credit for what you are doing and let
    the guilt go,  Also you will learn that a game is being played on you
    and it can only be started if you agree to play.  DON'T

    She's putting you in a no-win situation.  
    1) If you don't send the money, then she can make you the 'bad guy'
       when the children get 'deprived'.
    2) If you pay up, the next request will likely be for even more.
    3) If you pay up and then don't pay up the next time, she can go
       into court and say "he can afford it because he has been paying
       it before".
    
    my openion--folow -1.'s advice.
    fred();

    I go out with a lot of women who are in much worse financial shape than
    my ex, and consistently, all of them have told me not to pay anymore
    even if I can. (btw-I pay a lot of child support, more than anyone
    else has admitted . . . I'm not willing to say how much but it is
    more than any note I've read so far).
    
    I've not had a vacation in well over a year and feel guilty about doing
    so when I know my kids can't.  I was told that I wasn't caring for
    myself (these women are really great friends!), not allowing myself to
    be recharged/refreshed so I could be more productive at work and with
    that pressure off, be a better dad when I'm with them. 
    
    It's true, if you don't take care of yourself no one else will.

    Solution:  While I'm house hunting (I'm transfering within Digital in
    July to Charlotte, N.C.), I'm taking 1 entire day for myself in the
    mountains.  I need a break and want to be alone with God and nature.
    It's cheap and I'm already there.  If that goes well I'll know they
    were right will do it more often after my move.
    
    My opinion:  Put the money you want to give them away.  Save it for
    college.  Nothing wrong with being responsible with it because in a all
    likeliness your ex isn't saving money for college; she's expecting you
    to pay for it. 
    
    If she is making you the bad guy, children almost always see through
    that.  It may happen when they turn 18 and get away from her control,
    but your side of the situation will be understood (eventually) if you
    keep contact with them. 
    
        Take care of yourself.

    			   John