Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    Does the mother have a problem with the 2 of u living together?  What I
    mean is, do her values say living together isn't right?  Or is she
    simply being a royal pain/vindictive making life hard?  
    Is it some combination?

    With all the emotions involved in things like this, I know it's hard to
    be objective.  But if you can get an honest appraisal of where she is
    coming from, maybe a solution will (eventually) present itself.
    
    > We are currently living in a rent controlled three bedroom.  
    This is off the subject, but what does "rent controlled" mean?

    
    Yes she most certainly does have a problem with the two of us living
    together.  She still insists that I am the main reason why he would
    not marry her.  I am part of the reason, but not the main reason.
    She is merely continuing her reign of terror to satisfy her need
    to get back at him for "loving me more than he loved her"(her words!).
    So as far as I am concerned in relation to him, she has already
    stated many times that she will do anything possible to make
    life miserable for the both of "us" as long as we are together.
    
    
    re rent control
    
    Certain cities in Mass have rent control.  Basically what it is is
    a program whereby certain areas have caps on the amount of rent
    to be paid.  It was set up to prevent folks from being homeless
    , but most of the folks who are in rent controlled apartments
    can well aford to live in regular rent situations.
    
    Mi
    

    Mi,
    
    I can say that I know some of what your going through.  I was dating
    a girl whom my ex knew and then made threats that if continue to
    date her she would call *her* ex husband and on and on.  Then my
    ex's husband got into the act.  Gads!
    
    I got with my lawyer, drafted a letter stating she was in contempt of
    the divorce decree (ie. "the parties shall go their seperate ways
    having no hold over the other...").  Before I sent the letter, I
    confronted her directly and told (as politely as possible!?!) to stay
    out of my personal life.  I waited awhile and now have satisfactory
    results...I never did have to send the letter. For a while there, it
    was very tense. 
    
    Have you had any success trying something like that?  From the looks
    of things, she may have a legal recourse of sorts herself, where
    as I felt my ex didn't.
    
    John

    Who is "SHE" to accuse the two of you of co-habitating?  Sounds like
    the kettle calling the pot black (or vice versa).  What I mean is that
    the little girl would not be here if SHE hadn't co-habitated (if you
    get my drift), so who is SHE to stand in judgment of you - whether or
    not that law is still on the books in Mass. or not.
    
    Do you know what a Pandora's box (or can of peas) this kind of case
    would open in the Commonwealth?  Do you realize how many people live
    together these days without benefit of marriage - usually it's after a
    first marriage gone sour too.
    
    Let her put her money where her mouth is.  Let her take you to court. 
    She was never married to the father - has no rights where he is
    concerned.  The father is not the custodial parent, and unless he is
    physically or emotionally harming the child - HE IS entitled to
    visitation with his daughter.
    
    If I were you, I would consult with an attorney - might cost $50 for an
    initial consultation, but well worth the money.  Why let her DICTATE
    how the two of you will live your lives?
    
    My recommendations (2 cents worth):
    
    	1.  consult with an attorney (one hour initial consultation
    	                              should cost about $50, however,
    				      if you get in touch with lawyer
    				      referral service, the most that a
    				      lawyer can change for an initial
    				      consultation is $15 for 1st visit)
    
    	2.  tell her where to go
    
    	3.  relax, enjoy yourself, and pity her (sounds like she needs it)
    
    	4.  Good Luck.
    
    Barb
    

    
    
    re last two
    
    I would love to tell this woman where to go and what to do once she
    gets there.  However, his lawyer is adamant about this.  He says
    that as long as the law is on the books then we have to abide by
    the law. Sure I think this is insane.  But I think this whole
    situation is insane.  John and I were living together while
    she was pregnant and it did not seem to bother her then.
    
    They were not married so there is no divorce decree.  There
    supposedly is an understanding that they are not to interfere
    with each others lives.  But she still feels that since she
    has the child then she rules the roost.
    
    Mi

    I am brand new to this note. My husband of now  almost 2 years and I
    had this problem. At first he would stay at his room mates but then
    we would wind up at one of the two places any way. I only had a small
    one bed room apartment so when the kids stayed over dad and the 2 boys
    slept on the sofa bed and his daughter and I would share my huge
    queen sized water bed ;the kids loved it. The ex couldn't say anything.
    It was and still is a tough time in the last 4 years we have moved 3
    times. The next 3 places we moved to had 2 bedrooms plus an extra room
    which we always turned into a room for the boys. So we lucked out. 
    the rents are outrageous. But everyday will be a struggle I am sure.
    I can also symphatise (sp) with you on the mother issue because right
    
    after  we got married the ex flipped out and  threw her middle
    son out of the house 12 at the time and said you can go live with dad.
    He has been with us ever since, but in essence so is she because now
    she can call and come over to get him when ever she likes  and if she
    gets into a fight with the son she just simply brings him home and
    starts a fight with my husband for a half hour in front of the house
    and there really isn't anything that we can do to end that.
     
     

    sorry to continue that last one. the point I quess is that I agree with
    the other two people who also added that people will continue to
    live together. My husband put in his divorce decree that no one could 
    live in his house except ex and kids. If she were to marry she would
    have to sell the house. so every divorce is different just like
    everyone is different. It really does sound as though she does want to
    make your life impossible I know becuase I feel that way everyday 
    and she is still trying every way she can to make life impossible
    I quess the only thing that you can do is be stronger and don't let
    her know that she is getting to you. (good words wish I could do it)
    Remember we got married and it didnot end there, it will end though
    that is when the youngest graduates and the house is sold.And that is
    that  as  was stated in another note it all depends on how good your 
    lawyer is. 
    	Another thing that was stated earlier was the price of lawyers\
    they have gone up considerably but we have been to 2 different ones\
    who gave us free advise. what we did was make a list of all the 
    questions that we needed answered and asked away for the first hour.
    That was a free consultation period where in the lawyer tells what
    could happen and how much it will cost. Another thing you can do
    is go to court and have the party served yourself it costs $25. maybe
    a little more the catch is you defend yourself but get it all down in\w
    writing first brief and to the point. You served so you get to talk
    so make it good. Just a few hints and tricks that we have tried 
    in this survival that have worked for us.
    
    

    This is a day late and a dollar short, as I just recently discovered
    this notesfile.  
    
    Unfortunately, you are in Massachusetts, where the separation of church
    and state would have to be done surgically.  There is no such
    separation in that state.  Consequently, a lot of the rational used by
    the courts there are based on moral values as dictated by the church
    (church meaning main line religions).
    
    I absolutely agree that if there is no physical or emotional harm
    being reeked on the children, what's the problem?  However, that's 
    not how it's seen there.
    
    I did have to go through it myself, and the only thing that saved me
    was that my ex neglected to tell her lawyer about HER live-in
    boyfriend.  When we made that little item known, she withdrew her
    complaint.
    
    Since your entry was some time ago, I do hope it worked out for you.
    
    - Bill