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Conference quark::mennotes

Title:Discussions of topics pertaining to men
Notice:Please read all replies to note 1
Moderator:QUARK::LIONELE
Created:Thu Jan 21 1993
Last Modified:Fri Jun 06 1997
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:268
Total number of notes:12755

185.0. "Favorite Tools" by STRATA::WILBER (Build Castles in the Air) Sat Aug 05 1995 09:35

Subj:	H: THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME


================================================================================

THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME
By J. William Lam, Stockton, CA

Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
car, any place, any time.
 

1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
and plastic.  It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry
package.  Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse 
competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans -
winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard.  The only thing
that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
tool.  The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool
designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items.  Slicker than pig phlegm.
Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the  
Andrea Dora to be removed by hand.  Strangely enough, an integral part of  
these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle  
if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under
the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve
when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat
butter.  Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil
replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers
afterward.  (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether
or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator
lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the
Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire.  Smack corroded
battery terminals.  Pound out a dent.  Bop nosy know-it-all types on
the noodle.  Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
banging power of granite or limestone.  This is the only tool with  
which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses
and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly
slicked up version to the auto parts market.  Fifteen zip ties can
transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working
model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a
wiring harness.  Of course, it works both ways.  When buying used cars, 
subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:
Let's admit it.  There's nothing better for prying, chiseling,  
lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed  
screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer.  This 
is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can 
only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other.  If you  
break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher  
said - who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties.  Like duct tape, it's
not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll
never replace it with the right thing again.  Bailing wire is a
sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph,
and flathead Ford set.

9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do
you separate tie-ends?  Once every decade, if you're lucky.  Other than
medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.  Nature
doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends
in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth:
(See #1 above.)

PRINTED COURTESY OF THE MORRIS MINOR REGISTRY

T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
DateLines
185.1Maybe that should be "favorite tules"HANNAH::BECKPaul BeckSat Aug 05 1995 19:423
    (P.S. ... it's "vise grips" and "baling wire" ... unless the
    subjects are Heidi Fleiss and sometime to tie to the bucket you're
    using to save your sinking boat...)
185.2CSC32::HADDOCKSaddle RozinanteMon Aug 07 1995 14:2313
    
    The scary part is that I own every one of these, and have used them
    in almost the exact circumstance mentioned.  They left out two big
    ones though.

    1. Adjustable (crescent) wrench. Metric or standard, it doesn't 
       care.  They can be used on anything from an alternator to the
       two inch nuts on a tool bar. 

    2. Pliers.  Give an ol' farm boy a pair of pliers and enough bailing
       wire and he can fix d**n near anything ;^).

    fred();
185.3CSC32::HADDOCKSaddle RozinanteMon Aug 07 1995 15:069
        Oh, and another one:

    3) Black plastic electrical tape:  Will do anything duct tape and
       plastic zip ties will, and some applications of baling wire.
       Also makes a good heavy duty medical tape for the times you lose
       a patch of skin to a slipping wrench or forget that hot metal
       looks like cold metal.

    fred();
185.4CSC32::HADDOCKSaddle RozinanteMon Aug 07 1995 19:439
    
    Shortly after one of my uncles got married, his wife decided that she
    would spend more time with him by "helping" in the shop.  Well,
    apparently her "questions" and "suggestions" wore thin pretty fast.
    So he sent her 15 miles into town to buy a left-handed screw driver.
    She came back about an hour later ready to take the left-handed
    ball-peen hammer to his head.

    fred();
185.5STRATA::WILBERBuild Castles in the AirWed Aug 09 1995 03:156
    I'm a duct-tape man, through and through. If it can't be fixed with
    duct tape, why save it?
    
    Alpha chips have been repaired by duct tape I hear.
    
    jeff
185.6Sledges and a good chain sawMKOTS3::RAUHI survived the Cruel SpaThu Aug 10 1995 12:338
    Ten pound sledge hammars and chain saws are my favorite toys.:) I have
    a ten pound sledge in the bottom of my truck for those hard to park
    areas. Like when someone box's me in. And I cannot get my front bumper
    out past theirs, cause they parked sooooo close.:) And if it is too big
    of a job, I use the chain saw to cut off the bumper, or the corner of
    the impolie parked car.:)
    
    
185.7CSC32::HADDOCKSaddle RozinanteThu Aug 10 1995 14:457
    
    Some other stuff that I have found to be invaluable is some epoxy
    called "JB Weld".  If this stuff won't stick it together, then
    throw it away.  Just the other day I had to glue the corner of my
    car back on after some *&^% had chain-sawed it off ;^).

    fred():
185.8couple morePOLAR::WILSONCDesperately avoiding a careerSun Aug 13 1995 06:064
    A couple more things that i've found useful:
    
             Wire hanger
             Toothpicks make good shims in a pinch
185.9CSC32::HADDOCKSaddle RozinanteMon Aug 14 1995 14:5010
    re .8

    Toothpicks or wooden match sticks make good fix-its for stripped out
    wood screws.  Squirt in a little glue, insert toothpick, break it
    off even with the top of the hole, then insert screw.  Make sure
    everything stays in place until the glue dries.

    Paper-clips are another thing with 1001 uses.
    
    fred();
185.10CSC32::M_EVANSnothing's going to bring him backMon Aug 14 1995 18:1510
    What,
    
    Nobody around here uses bungie cords?  Work better than coathangers and
    bailing wire for a lot of the same applications, and it is a
    non-conductive material which can be important at times, as well.
    
    Nonstick cooking spray works as well as other spray lubricants in a
    pinch.
    
    meg
185.11MKOTS3::RAUHI survived the Cruel SpaMon Aug 14 1995 19:146
    I like bungie cord! If yha own a pickup truck, there is enough cord to
    drop your truck from a bridge and bounce back always tucked under the
    front seat!:) Also pack fishing line. Have found some wild uses for
    Spider Web.... sides fishing!:) 30 pounds of test on 2 pounds of line!!
    Just doesnt get any better than this!!:)
    
185.12CSC32::HADDOCKSaddle RozinanteMon Aug 14 1995 19:2310
    Speaking of kitchen items:
    
    Oven cleaner.  Makes an excellent parts-cleaner.  I'd recommend using
    rubber gloves to handle the stuff, though, and don't wash it off on
    the lawn.  Some guy on tv the other night said it works good to take
    graffiti off of brick/masonry too.  It would probably take _all_ the
    paint off of a painted  surface.  Haven't tried using it for paint
    stripper, though.
    
    fred();
185.13CSC32::HADDOCKSaddle RozinanteMon Aug 14 1995 19:418
    And how could I forget:

    Table knife:  Letter opener, screw driver, lightweight pry-bar, (if
    held by the blade) a lightweight bonking stick (see .0).  Can even
    be used to spread butter, jelly, or mayonnaise.  About the only thing
    it won't do is cut anything more substantial than warm butter.

    fred();
185.1443GMC::KEITHDr. DeuceTue Aug 15 1995 11:4113
    I still have my "Shell (gas) Steak Knife" from the '60's in my tool
    kit. Great for cutting hoses etc.
    
    How about sheet rock screws and a cordless screw gun? How did the world
    survive with our SR screws...?
    
    Bungies, you ask? We have a $ 1, 2, 3 store in my town. Every time I go
    there I buy a package of bungies (up to 4 - 12" for a buck).
    
    But my flavorate tool have to be firewrench (actelene-oxygen cutting
    torch)
    
    Steve
185.15STRATA::WILBERBuild Castles in the AirThu Aug 17 1995 07:566
    GAS steak knife? Does this thing have an internal combustion engine in
    it???!!! I *like* it.
    
    jeff
    
    PS. Super glue too.
185.16lineman's sidecutters for meSTAR::ST_GEORGETue Aug 22 1995 13:412
    in my opinion the world's most versatile and important 
    handtool is a pair of 9" Klein Lineman's pliers.
185.17tools around the houseMTVIEW::JOHNThu Feb 22 1996 16:4411
The tool I use the most is the shovel.  I use it to dig holes in the yard for
the new plants.

Most usefull tools are
   screwdriver
   duct-tape

I just had a thought, I could have used duct-tape to fix the plumbing leak
instead of the goup.

Andrew
185.18MKOTS3::RAUHI survived the Cruel SpaThu Feb 22 1996 18:201
    My snow blower... When it works...:) 
185.19HammerPCBUOA::LPIERCEDo the watermelon crawlThu Feb 22 1996 18:239
    
    I never thought of a snow blower as a "tool".  I think of it as
    equipment  :*)
    
    My favorite:  a Hammer.  I love hanging pitchers, and I just came off a
    summer of re-siding my house with red wood ceder - that hammer and me
    became best friends.
    
    
185.20MKOTS3::RAUHI survived the Cruel SpaFri Feb 23 1996 12:024
    Guess it depends on where you live. For me, as a landlord,
    quipment/tool, it becomes a blur.:)
    
    
185.21certainly versatile!MKOTS3::DIONNEFri Feb 23 1996 22:536
    <--- regarding the duct tape..
    
    I once lived in a house (for 7 long years) where I patched many bare
    spots, and edges of the kitchen linoleum with duct tape...
    
    I even washed and waxed it, too... 
185.2243GMC::KEITHDr. DeuceMon Feb 26 1996 17:045
    Sheetrock screws, how did we live w/o them...?
    
    My 12v DeWalt cordless drill/screwdriver
    
    Compressed air
185.23TALLIS::PARADISThere's a feature in my soup!Tue Feb 27 1996 19:0914
    > Sheetrock screws, how did we live w/o them...?
    
    Great stuff, but be careful... sheetrock screws are NOT designed to 
    withstand great loads.  Do NOT use them to hold up anything that's
    going to hold any significant amount of weight!
    
    > My 12v DeWalt cordless drill/screwdriver
    
    I got me one of those too... it's quickly become my favorite as well!
    
    Then, of course, there's the ever present Vise-Grips[tm]
    
    --jim
    
185.2443GMC::KEITHDr. DeuceWed Feb 28 1996 10:4712
    RE Vicegrips:
    
    I bought some cheap Chinese welding vice clamps (like vice grips) as I
    needed about 6 at a time some times. The other day, one opened and took
    a chunk of a palm side finger joint between the lower handle and the
    lower jaw. I am not sure if the Vice Grip version will do that, not
    that I want to find out. I think that those Chinese clamps will get a
    piece welded to them to act as a guard...
    
    And let us not forget about ether (sp)...
    
    Steve
185.25Miami Vice Clamps = handcuffs?SMURF::PBECKRob Peter and pay *me*...Wed Feb 28 1996 12:342
    I'm not sure I want to speculate about what "vice" [sic] grips or
    clamps might be...