Conference quark::mennotes

About Interacting With Children and Youth

FatherNet is collecting information which can be used to promote
the healthy relationships and involvement of men with youth and
children.

This directory will include information about normal child
development; tips on how to communicate and interact with children
by age group, including suggestions for activities; information and
tips on healthy families and family interaction and communication;
and information related to how a community can support the
involvement of men in the lives of children, from the organization
and delivery of human services to family-friendly employer
policies.

If you are aware of material that should be included in this
directory, or would like to suggest new content areas, please
contact Jan at cyfstaff@maroon.tc.umn.edu or 612-626-1212.   
.

1988 COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR CHILDREN

Minnesota Extension Service
University of Minnesota
240 Coffey Hall, 1420 Eckles Avenue
St. Paul,  MN  55108   Phone: 612/625-1915

MN Children Youth and Families Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.
Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this
document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and
MN CYFCEC receive acknowledgement and this notice is included.
Phone 612-626-1212 EMAIL: cyfcec@staff.tc.umn.edu

from Family Life Packet: Jul 1988

                 COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR CHILDREN

     One of the characteristics of a strong family is its ability
to communicate.  To improve your communication with your children,
here are some hints:
. Be interested and appear interested.  The child must receive the
  message that the parent is interested -- vitally interested --
  in his or her concerns.
. Listen to the child.  Try to keep your comments as parent to a
  minimum.  Let the child talk.
. Be sensitive to the child's feelings.  Every child who is
  experiencing a problem or concern has feelings about that
  concern or problem.  Be sensitive to those feelings and realize
  that the child may be very confused inside or may be feeling
  much hurt because of what's happened.
. Try to identify the feelings.  Suggest to the child that you
  know that the child has been hurt by what a friend has done or
  that the child feels very angry about something that happened at
  school or at work.  Help the child pinpoint those feelings with
  words.
. Don't jump the gun and leap to conclusions.  The parent is
  there, to help the child sort out the problem.  That means the
  child must talk and the parent must listen.  The parent can give
  some alternatives, but the child really must decide how he or
  she is going to handle the problem.  After the child has
  explored the problem, the parent might ask:  "What do you think
  you really need to do?"
. Try to see things from the child's point of view.  The world
  looks entirely different to some children who are experiencing a
  problem.  Try to understand that the child lacks experience in
  dealing with other people or in dealing with new situations.  Be
  understanding.  Imagine yourself in the child's position.  For
  instance, if Susie has just been told by a good friend that the
  friend hates her, try to understand how you would feel in that
  situation.
. Avoid any note of ridicule.  We may become a bit impatient when
  the problem seems quite insignificant -- almost silly.  As a
  parent we must realize, though, that the problem is serious to
  the child and we must treat it as such.
. Above all, tell the child when you're finished how pleased you
  are that the child shared his or her concerns with you.
.

1990 COPING WITH CHILDHOOD AGGRESSION

Minnesota Extension Service
University of Minnesota
240 Coffey Hall, 1420 Eckles Avenue
St. Paul,  MN  55108   Phone: 612/625-1915

MN Children Youth & Family Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.  

MN Children Youth and Families Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.
Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this
document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and
MN CYFCEC receive acknowledgement and this notice is included.
Phone 612-626-1212 EMAIL: cyfcec@staff.tc.umn.edu

from Family Life Packet: Jul 1990

                COPING WITH CHILDHOOD AGGRESSION

     At some time during a child's school years, signs of
aggression may appear.  Aggression is a pattern of behavior in
children that parents don't well understand or tolerate.  In
order to channel aggression in a constructive manner, parents
must first understand it.
     What is it that causes normally aggressive behavior to go
beyond the limits of what is healthy for the child?  Research has
indicated that three main factors contribute to aggressive
behavior:  frustration, imitation of others and parental
expectations.
     Frustration is perhaps the most common cause of aggressive
behavior.  Children are often frustrated at an early age when
trying to learn behaviors that correspond to their parents'
expectations.  In most children, a natural inclination is to
react in a somewhat aggressive way to these imposed standards.  
Frustration of one's attempt to feel worthwhile and gain
acceptance also often leads to unhealthy aggression.  Most
children who have low self-esteem tend to vent their hostile
feelings against inanimate objects, rather than other people.
     Children also learn aggressive behavior by observing others.  
Some young people who have been bullied by older brothers and
sisters imitate this behavior in dealing with children younger
than themselves.  Others will imitate their parents' methods of
disciplining them as they interact with children of their own
age.  Children identify with adults and peers they love or
admire.  Sometimes they'll even imitate a person they fear.  All
children acquire many behaviors by copying what they see others
doing.  
     The third important factor that often contributes to
aggression is parents' standards of behavior.  Parents often
encourage aggressive behavior through the standards communicated
to the children.  Some of this encouragement is very subtle:  a
smile when a child misbehaves or lack of follow-through on a
contact from school.  Mom or Dad actually may vicariously enjoy
and stimulate the child's aggression.  A student who flagrantly
disobeys his teacher may be doing just what his father always
wanted to do, but could never get up enough nerve to do.
     What should parents do?  Encourage children to talk about
their anger, to tell what's bothering them, even when the hostile
feelings are directed at us.  Of course, this can hurt, but it
gets strong emotion out into the open where it can be handled.
     The wise parent will seek to provide the child with a
variety of outlets for hostile emotions.  Physical exertion
through participation in work or sports may serve as a
constructive outlet.
     Learning control also is important.  Although it may not
seem so, children really want parents to moderate their hostility
and aggression.  Every child needs to learn internal discipline.  
Without it, there is constant discomfort and inner conflict.
     We need to look honestly at aggressive behavior, to help
children find constructive outlets for hostile feelings and to
learn self-control.  We may want to teach them to "stick up for
their rights," but to be assertive, rather than aggressive.
                                                              RLP
.

1992 ENCOURAGEMENT - BUILDING YOUR CHILD'S SELF WORTH

Minnesota Extension Service
University of Minnesota
240 Coffey Hall, 1420 Eckles Avenue
St. Paul,  MN  55108   Phone: 612/625-1915

MN Children Youth and Families Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.
Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this
document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and  
MN CYFCEC receive acknowledgement and this notice is included.
Phone 612-626-1212 EMAIL: cyfcec@staff.tc.umn.edu

       ENCOURAGEMENT - BUILDING YOUR CHILD'S SELF WORTH

     Mothers and fathers like to see their child succeed in the
task which the child is doing.  To insure successful completion
of the task by the child and to improve the relationship between
parent and child, the skill of encouragement should be practiced.  
Encouragement is the process whereby the parent focuses on the
assets and strengths of the child to build self worth and
commitment to the task.  Encouragement allows the child to
believe in self and their own abilities to solve problems, but at
the same time develop the courage to accept and learn from
mistakes.
     Helping your child develop feelings of self worth may
require the parent to change some attitudes and behavior
patterns.  First, it may require the parent to focus more on the
assets or positive things that the child does instead of the
mistakes.  A parent should show appreciation to the child.  If
the parent decides to become more encouraging, plan to eliminate
the following attitudes and behaviors:
      
     Negative Expectations.  For example, if the parent believes
the child will not succeed at a task, chances are the parent will
communicate that to the child.  Consequently the child begins to
doubt his or her ability to perform the task and fails.

     Unreasonably High Standards.  Too often a parent sets
unreasonable standards for the child to achieve.  More often than
not these are adult standards.  Make sure the standard does not
go beyond the child's age and ability.

     Promoting Competition Between Siblings.  Many parents will
praise the successful sibling and either ignore or criticize the
unsuccessful child.  Be careful, comparisons may be expressed
nonverbally as well as verbally.

     Overambition.  Many a parent in today's world wants the best
possible not only for themselves, but for their child as well.  
To achieve this, the parent will insist the child also
demonstrate excellence.  The parent's attitude may convey to the
child not to try anything unless you are certain you will be
tops.  Replace this philosophy with the words:  it's more
important to do, than to do well.  This will allow the child to
practice and improve their skill at said task and who knows on
which try success will be made.

     Double Standards.  Do as I say, not as I do is a motto of
many parents.  Mother tells junior to pick up the mess in the
living room, but clutters the same room with her work.  A child
recognizes that certain rights and privileges are prescribed by
law, e.g., driving a car.  Unfortunately, when parents assume
other rights and privileges and deny them to the child, it
implies to the child that he/she is of less value in the family.

     A person who would like to replace these discouraging
attitudes and behaviors, and instead encourage the child, must be
willing to develop at their own pace the following attitudes:  1)
accept the child as he/she is, not what he/she could be or you
expect them to be; 2) be positive in comments to the child;  
3) avoid temptation to interfere when the child is attempting a
task; 4) demonstrate faith in the child's efforts; 5) focus more
on the contributions, assets and strengths of the child;  
6) recognize effort and improvement in completing the task as
well as final accomplishment and; 7) learn to separate
encouragement from praise.  Praise is given for final completion
of the task, it does not motivate the child to do.  
Encouragement, on the other hand, does motivate a child.  It is
given for the effort or for improvement, however slight.  It
identifies the little things that are involved in completing the
task.  Examples of the special language of encouragement are
demonstrated with the following phrases:

     Phrases that show acceptance:

     "I like the way you worked out that problem."

     "Since you seem dissatisfied with it, what do you think you
could do differently?"

     Phrases which demonstrate confidence:

     "Knowing your success rate, I'm sure you'll figure something
out."

     "I have faith in your decision."

     Phrases that focus on assets and contributions:

     "That was really thoughtful of you to ____________________."

     "Really appreciated your help, it meant a lot to me."

     Phrases that recognize effort and improvement:

     "From the looks of things, you really worked hard on that
project."

     "You seem to have feelings that you've not reached your
goal, but look how far you've come."

     Encouragement is important in the parent-child relationship.  
Avoid giving on the one hand and taking away on the other, that
is, do not use qualifying or moralizing statements like "since
you worked really hard on that, why not do it all the time," or
"it's about time."
     In conclusion, encouragement is accepting and valuing your
child for what he or she is, not what you want the child to be,
placing emphasis on the positive aspects of the child's behavior,
showing faith in the child, so the child will develop self-
confidence, recognizing effort and improvement and showing
appreciation for the child's contributions to self, family and
society.
                                                              RLP
.

1992 GET INVOLVED WITH YOUR CHILD'S EDUCATION

Minnesota Extension Service
University of Minnesota
240 Coffey Hall, 1420 Eckles Avenue
St. Paul,  MN  55108   Phone: 612/625-1915

MN Children Youth and Families Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.
Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this
document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and  
MN CYFCEC receive acknowledgement and this notice is included.
Phone 612-626-1212 EMAIL: cyfcec@staff.tc.umn.edu

            GET INVOLVED WITH YOUR CHILD'S EDUCATION

     In a world of high technology, it is no longer enough to
have minimal educational skills.  What was an adequate education
a generation ago is now barely acceptable.  Children will have to
be even better prepared if they are going to succeed in today's
world.  Most important, they must form positive attitudes toward
the lifelong learning process.
     Parental involvement in education is crucial to a child's
success.  The key elements of success include working with the
schools, the teachers, and the child at home.  In fact, 70
percent of all children enrolled in classes for the gifted have
involved parents, regardless of the parents' educational level or
the family's income.  Greater expectations by parents resulted in
greater achievement by the child.  It does not take a specific
skill to become involved in your child's education.
     Visit your child's school to develop a good working
relationship with teachers.  Let the teachers know that you want
to become involved.  Parents often volunteer for door patrol, to
work in the office or library, or to chaperon a trip.  However,
other ways of getting involved can include sharing a skill or
hobby with students.  Often, an interesting experience, trip, job
or family history is of interest to classes or school clubs.  
Join the parent teacher organization and attend meetings to find
out the kinds of programs offered.  Propose suggestions about the
educational programs you would like provided.
     At home, help your child to become organized.  Even young
children can be taught good study habits.  Store all school
supplies together in one place.  It is easier and faster to do an
assignment when there is no need to search for paper, markers,
dictionary, etc.  Buy your child a large size notebook or have
them keep a notebook binder for homework assignments.  Small memo
pads are too easily lost or misplaced.
     Students who do well in school and still have time to do the
activities they enjoy, schedule their time effectively.  Have
children begin with a weekly time chart.  List the days of the  
week across the top of the page.  Add MUST DO categories, such as
homework, chores, or practice along the left margin.  Estimate
the amount of time necessary for each activity.  Allow enough
leeway for schedule changes or emergency studying.  Add optional
activities such as socializing with friends, watching television,
and club participation if time permits.  Make gradual adjustments
to revise the schedule.  Once the system works, it will help the
child to manage time more effectively.
     Research and government statistics show that children whose
parents help them at home do better in school.  Students whose
parents participate in school activities are better behaved,
harder working, and more successful in school.  Parents who get
involved find the return well worth the time investment.
.

1990 LETTING GO RESPONSIBLY

Minnesota Extension Service
University of Minnesota
240 Coffey Hall, 1420 Eckles Avenue
St. Paul,  MN  55108   Phone: 612/625-1915*C

MN Children Youth and Families Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.
Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this
document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and
MN CYFCEC receive acknowledgement and this notice is included.
Phone 612-626-1212 EMAIL: cyfcec@staff.tc.umn.edu

from Family Life Packet: Aug 1990

                     LETTING GO RESPONSIBLY

     Parental worry and legitimate concern are never higher than
they are during a child's early adolescence.  Strong emotions are
right at the surface in both teens and parents.  Perhaps even
more at this time than at any other, a healthy sense of humor is
one of the best coping skills for parents.
     Witness the knowing parent who confided to another:  "I know
how to help you understand your teen.  Just keep in mind the five
Ms of early adolescence:  Moody, Mouthy, Me, Money, and
Monosyllables!"  How true and how frustrating.  It is precisely
the ability to smile, though, that is an inestimable help during
these trying years.
     From your teen's perspective, there is little question that
growing up these days is more difficult and fraught with dangers
than ever.  And an additional difficult emotional reality is that
early adolescence is a time of letting go for parents.  For
emerging young adults, it's an age of many firsts:  first date,
new driver's license, first awareness of emerging sexuality,
first prom, first evening out of the house alone, first actual
job.  The list goes on.
     As old memories and the new independence of teens conspire
to make life emotionally trying for parents, there are a few
parental givens which can go far to make these trying years
easier.
     Parental given #1:  The healthier your involvement during
the preteen years, the easier it is to parent effectively during
adolescence.  In other words, don't wait until puberty -- when
your child is bigger than you are, mobile and altogether capable
of resistance -- to begin to teach values.  Spend quality time
together and implement discipline.  Teens who have consistently
experienced a solid family life and effective parenting from the
beginning find early adolescence emotionally easier and so do
their parents.
     Parental given #2:  One child will give you much more
trouble than any of the rest.  Personality, placement in sibling
order and particular emotional needs may make adolescent years
more difficult for one child than for another.  It is with this
child that parents must be more sensitive, patient and strong --
because their sensitivity, patience and strength will be sorely
tested.
     Parental given #3:  Your values do make a difference,
although they are resisted.  You must never forget how very
important you and your value system are to a teen experiencing
confusing changes and intense emotions.  You will be resisted;  
that's normal.  In the long run, however, your understanding and
strength of conviction during these years will influence your
teen far more significantly than you may ever know.
     Parents and children never forget the experiences of early
adolescence, but it doesn't have to be six or seven years of
personal hurt, intense conflict and constant worry.  To handle it
well requires that you as a parent possess personal security, a
sound value system and sensitive understanding of the turmoil
taking place within your growing children.
     With tongue firmly in cheek, a parent who had been through
it all commented that on the average a parent can expect
somewhere in the neighborhood of 35 to 40 minutes of enjoyment
during a child's teen years.  That statement is blatantly untrue!  
With energy and commitment, you might expand that time into a
couple of hours or more.
                                                              RLP
__________________________
Source:  Herbert Lingren, People and Families, University of
Nebraska Cooperative Extension Service, 1990.
.

1990 WHEN YOU'RE THE REFEREE

Minnesota Extension Service
University of Minnesota
240 Coffey Hall, 1420 Eckles Avenue
St. Paul,  MN  55108   Phone: 612/625-1915

MN Children Youth and Families Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.
Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this
document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and
MN CYFCEC receive acknowledgement and this notice is included.
Phone 612-626-1212 EMAIL: cyfcec@staff.tc.umn.edu

from Family Life Packet: May 1990

                    WHEN YOU'RE THE REFEREE

      As much as parents might wish to avoid becoming embroiled in
their children's arguments, it is sometimes inevitable.  Although
most experts maintain that physical violence must not be
tolerated, they also agree that a certain amount of bickering,
name calling, whining and so on can't be avoided.  When you find
yourself in the ring, consider the following dos and don'ts:
      -- Do keep in mind that an overcharged situation may
sometimes be defused with relatively simple techniques.  Make a
joke.  Suggest a different activity.  Read to them.
      -- Do remember that the more their fighting bugs you, the
more attention your children will get from you, and the more they
will continue to fight.
      -- Don't try to get to the bottom of every single struggle,
but try to identify the reason for any pattern for fighting you
see repeated.
      -- Do try to avoid situations that, by their very nature,
are going to cause trouble.
      -- Do use the concept of rules.  Many young children,
especially preschoolers, tend to be absolutely snowed if you tell
them you want them to do something because "it's the rule."
      -- Do help older kids learn to control their anger.  Teach
them that if they ignore a sibling's misbehavior, the offender
may be less apt to repeat it.  Remind children of the saying,
"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt
me." (It may not be true, but it helps.)
      -- Do encourage siblings, unless they are vastly ill-
matched, to work out their own solutions to problems.
      -- Do take advantage of the extremely useful device called
"time out," in which the offending child is sent to his room or
placed in a "time-out" area and told that he cannot come out till
the timer rings.
      -- Don't allow your children to draw you into a pattern of
spending vast amounts of time and energy discussing and trying to
straighten out their disagreements.
      -- Don't compare your children to each other, at least not
in their presence.  Don't hold one up as an example to another
("Why can't you mind me the way your sister does?").
      -- Do try to make sure that each child in the family has
activities separate from those of their siblings.  The busier
each child is with his or her own projects, the more harmonious
your household will be.
      -- Do try to take a long-range view of things.  Remember
that sibling relationships in most families get better as time
goes by.
.

1992 TEAMWORK BUILDS FAMILY STRENGTHS

Minnesota Extension Service
University of Minnesota
240 Coffey Hall, 1420 Eckles Avenue
St. Paul,  MN  55108   Phone: 612/625-1915

MN Children Youth and Families Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.
Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this
document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and
MN CYFCEC receive acknowledgement and this notice is included.
Phone 612-626-1212 EMAIL: cyfcec@staff.tc.umn.edu

from Family Life Packet: February 1992

                TEAMWORK BUILDS FAMILY STRENGTHS

     A recent study of 2,400 fifth graders revealed that one
family factor that upset them most was spending too little time
with their parents.  A family can strengthen its bonds by
spending more "quality time" together.  "Teaming" is one way to
spend time with children.  Through teamwork, the entire family
learns to work together sharing experiences, achieving goals, and
building understanding and respect for its members.
     There are two types of teaming.  Members can work side-by-
side on the same job or they can work apart to accomplish a
larger team effort.  Each type of teaming has its values.  Use
both types to help children learn to be supporting and
contributing individuals.
     An excellent opportunity for teaching values and
responsibilities lies in daily functions of the home.  At an
early age, begin teaching children to accept and carry out basic
household duties.  Remember, it takes time and patience to teach
a child how to do a job.  It's easier to do a job yourself, but
the child does not learn from the experience.  For example, food
shopping with your child teaches them to write a food list and to
shop for the food.  Other benefits of this experience include
sharing and helping to get a job done, talking and thinking about
important issues, and gaining the understanding and respect for
the likes and dislikes of other family members.  
     Children also can learn teamwork through working alone.  
Make the child responsible for a portion of the duties in a
larger job.  This type of teaming becomes successful when the
child begins to mature intellectually, develops thinking skills,
and shows responsibility.  Cleaning the house or garage or
beautifying the yard serves as an example of this type of
teaming.  While cleaning the house is a job disliked by most
family members, a dirty home environment affects everyone who
lives there.  To accomplish this larger job, break it down into
individual tasks.  Assign, or let the child choose an age-
appropriate task, such as tidying a den, TV room, or bathroom.
     Demanding work schedules may not permit spending "quantity
time" with children.  However, parents must find time to interact
and teach children.  Parents will spend time with their children
one way or the other.  They can spend time with their children
when they are young, teaching values and beliefs.  Or, they can
spend time later as they try to get their children out of
difficulties because somebody else, namely the world, taught them
its values and beliefs.
     The challenge to parents is to take time to teach children
to be helpful and share.  While experiencing activities that
teach these two important ingredients, the family will gain by
being together, building self-reliance and self-esteem, and
creating a supportive environment.
                                                              RLP
_________________________
Source:  Dianne S. Lennon, Extension Home Economist, Atlantic
County, NJ Visions.  Rutgers Cooperative Extension, Vol. 4, No.
1, 1992.
.

1990 TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF SPORTS

Minnesota Extension Service
University of Minnesota
240 Coffey Hall, 1420 Eckles Avenue
St. Paul,  MN  55108   Phone: 612/625-1915

MN Children Youth and Families Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.
Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this
document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and
MN CYFCEC receive acknowledgement and this notice is included.
Phone 612-626-1212 EMAIL: cyfcec@staff.tc.umn.edu

from Family Life Packet: May 1990

                  TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF SPORTS

      Too much pressure in sports can turn a child off -- with
both the sport and with his/her parents.  Athletic events can
play an important role in an adolescent's development and health,
but parents should know both the positive and negative aspects of
competitive sports.
      Since competition puts pressure on children, parents can
help relieve it by making "fun" the primary goal in sporting
events.  Parents also can "play up" other benefits -- in addition
to the glory of winning.  Other benefits include learning the
rules and tools of the "game of life" -- agility, skill
development, cooperation, discipline and fair play.  
      Give these benefits plenty of attention.
      Also, consider different kinds of sports with your child --
together you may discover some new ones that don't carry high
pressures.  Instead of considering only competitive sports such
as football, basketball and baseball, look into some non-
competitive, less-pressured sports -- jogging, swimming, cycling
or hiking.  All of these let children develop their bodies, enjoy
themselves and keep a sense of self-worth.
      These non-competitive sports may be especially attractive to
children who aren't ready for -- or interested in -- organized
sports.
      In addition, resist the natural desire to live through your
children, especially on the athletic field.  Remember that adults
usually are the ones that give winning too much importance.  
Highly organized leagues for young children are most often
planned with adult seriousness, and they tend to take the fun and
play out of the activity.
                                                                   
        RLP
.

FATHER FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOODS

How father-friendly is your neighborhood?

The National Fatherhood Initiative, a Pennyslvania-based group that touts 
good fatherhood as the solution to many of our nation's problems, is offering 
a brochure with 10 tips for making a community more father-friendly.  Among 
the suggestions: organize fatherhood forums, lobby for workplace policies that
support fathers and, of course, be a good father yourself.

For a free copy, write:

The National Fatherhood Initiative
600 Eden Rd.,  Building E
Lancaster, PA    17601

(800) 790-3237
9 am to 5 pm weekdays



.

American Fathers Coalition
2000 Pennsylvania Ave., N.W., Ste. 148
Washington, D.C.  20006
(202) FATHERS (AFC/NCMC) - AFC/National Congress for Men & Children

Information provided by Chris Stafford
Father's Resource Center

Dealing in the areas of Welfare Reform Hearings, Child Abuse Prevention & 
Treatment Act Hearings and U.S. Commission on Child and Family Welfare Hearings.

Welfare is before the House Ways & Means Committee discussing the
Personal Responsibility Act, which is part of the Contract With America.

CAPTA is before the House Labor & Education Committee,
reauthorizing funding for the Act and to modify the Mondale Act.

Bill Harrington, our National Director was sworn in today as a
Commissioner for the U.S. Commission on Child & Family Welfare, which was 
authorized to discuss custody and access (visitation) via the 1992 Interstate 
Flight to Avoid Child Support Bill (Hyde/Shelby).

The American Fathers Coalition promotes positive father inclusive
policies on a federal legislative level. We are the Washington D.C. lobbying 
voice for father's rights organizations throughout America.


.

i am currently pondering the question of money and my 11 year old daughter.
buying clothes is a big thing with her now (she's even worse than her mother
ever was, and that was bad ;-)

she has really put alot of effort into her school work this year and i was
thinking about if i should reward her by contributing to her purse at the end
of the school year.

i am skeptical about giving money to children and your input would be much 
appreciated.

i know some mothers who reward their children with money and even my (ex)wife
does it to a small degree. my kids know how i think about it though. it's not 
that i am tight but i am quite a hardass on this subject: "nope, you won't 
be getting money from me. kids who're raised on money end up spending it on 
drugs and that's that!" that's my standard reply.

ok, so i am a hardass and i wasn't raised on money. i want my kids to know 
the value of money but i realise times are changing and that some adaptation
might be needed. "da-aaad, laura's been getting money from her dad since 
she was seven and joie gets pocket money too." 

so i am mellowing. just a bit. this seems to be a genuine concern so for the
forthcoming birthday i've offered my daughter to take her on a shopping spree
and i've promised that i'd be patient and that i won't say a word ("you know
of course, going shopping and hanging around until mom makes up her mind is 
what broke mom and dad's marriage, don't you! ;-)") and she can buy anything 
she wants from a preallocated budget.

ok, so i am caving in. but i don't want this to become habit. i won't be
starting to throw money right left and center, don't get the wrong idea.
but teenage daughters are, well, they are particular, 'specially if they
have that direct line to grumpy ole'dad. [sic!]

ok, so what do you think? should i be thinking of rewarding a good year's
school work with some $'s, in addition to that birthday shopping spree?
it's kindof against my principles and i favour not even to let such ideas
make the rounds... but i may be falling way behind time so i need to check 
with you fathers and ex-teenagers. am i right on this, even though i feel 
like i am a tight, miserable old hardass on this?





andreas.

    re.13

    I give my kids money, but I tie it to certain achievement.
    They get a set allowance in exchange for certain "chores" around the
    house with a set "fine" for not doing them and/or having to be told
    to do them.  I also give a set amount a pay for certain school
    achievement.  $5 for an "A", $2 for a "B" and I try to kick in a bit
    for "honor role".  I generally whimp out and give them money for 
    their birthday and let them buy something they want.  If the "blow"
    the money--too bad.  They've learned a lesson about how far money
    _don't_ go.

    The key, as I see it, is to tie it to some achievement or work, and
    make it a reasonable amount.  One of my brothers just gave his son 
    money any time he asked for it (and we're talking hundreds here) and 
    now that son is 26 and about as worthless as they come.  

    fred();

    When my son got older (16), I got tired of not buying just what he
    wanted.  So, I took him to the mall and told him to pick out what he
    wanted and that I would tell him when to stop.  This worked out
    greate!!!  He was happy and I was happy.  I got custody of him when he
    was 12 and I'm sure that the teen years are the worst.  He use to want
    the most expensive stuff because they were in style... Now that he earns 
    his own money and he will be 20 in a couple of months, I see a big
    difference in his shopping selection.  Style is still important, but it
    has to be the right price. 
    
    
    Andreas, I know its can be a pain to hang around while others are
    shopping but its nice to do things together.   You can always shop for
    yourself at the same time to make things easier...
    
    Dom

    
    
    Good note.  I am in the same type of situation.  My wife and I don't
    shop at the expensive stores, we cannot afford to do so.  My children 
    are (so far) agreeable to the way we shop.  I have a suggestion.  Pick
    a day and make it a shopping day with a set amount of money.  Go to the
    store of her choice and let her pick out the items she wants and see
    how many items she ends up with.  Then go to a cheaper store and let
    her shop there, then she can see how much more she can get for her
    money at the cheaper store.  You can get quality merchandise at a
    cheaper store, plus you don't feel as bad if you spill something on it.
    :')
    
    Mike

thanks for your inputs! dom, the shopping spree will be quite an an event i
am sure and i am determined to be patient and make it fun and as mike suggests, 
maybe i should get involved as regards the price comparisons - that's the 
value of having a preset budget.

fred thanks for picking up that most important point which i am concerned
with most. the school performance. i have been getting involved more this
year in the school work due to a change of school (the first the children 
have been through) and helping with the readjustments. the new school also
has a reward scheme the children are gaining confidence with the extra 
coaching and with 'moving up the ladder' (getting more rewards). the idea
of linking school performance with learning to manage money sounds like 
a winner and i must give this scheme some thorough consideration.

i'll need to digest this lot (which shouldn't stop any more suggestions!)
all input is gratefully received on this subject.


thanks,

andreas.

ps. the "honor role" sounds interesting fred. could you expand on that?
thanks.

    
    re Honor Role

    Most schools that I know of have some sort recognition system for 
    managing a certain level of quantity + quality of work.  For
    colleges and universities they are also known as "Dean's List" or
    "President's List" depending on average level of performance.
    The d-12 schools usually call them Honor Roles, Principle's List,
    Superintendent's Lists, etc.

    fred();

just to let you know that i am still churning over this question of reward 
by money. i have also had some very good input by a female noter off-line, 
which also makes a case of reward by money.

as i think of this issue, my dilemma became more apparent. in my particular 
situation (which is a bit unusual) i find myself as a non-custodial parent 
who _voluntarily_ provides the financial support for his family (above and
beyond the legal requirement, which is minimal). as a father the value i am
trying to convey to my children is continued commitment to the family despite
change of circumstances (eg. divorce), and i am trying my best to convey 
this value in all forms (including monetary), since money must be secondary 
to higher values. having the opportunity to get more closely involved in the 
children's school-work since it is becoming more difficult they have joy
in reporting back good results as these are, between us, accomplishments
shared and it seems to me almost that now introducing money in a reward scheme
is not entirely appropriate. as i said, a very personal dilemma this one is.





andreas.

    andreas,
    
    with teen girls I have learned to just give them money, instead of
    trying to buy them something you think they would want, or keep every
    reciept for the inevitable exchanges that will take place.  
    
    How about this?  A set amount of money and three hours at the mall, or
    equivelent?
    
    It is something my oldest loved the few times I could gird myself up
    for being malled.  
    
    Since you are divorced, one other thought.  Regardless about how I feel
    about Lolita's DBD, I coordinate with him as much as possible around
    b-days, graduations, and xmas, to avoid both of us getting her the same
    thing.  Saves her guilt for needing to exchange one or both of our
    gifts when they are similar, and finding something very different she
    might not like as well as one we gave her, and saves us heartache if
    she does pick one of the similar items to keep and exchanges the other.  
    
    As far as rewarding for grades, well that ws a sticky issue, but...
    My kid's job at this time is school.  Since I believe in pay for
    performance, why should I be a hypocrite with my own kids>
    
    meg