Conference quark::mennotes

    Sometimes, I will get what is termed a 'dope slap' from a female. And
    it is humiliating. I tell them/her that it may not be termed as a
    hostile act. It might be as Bogo the Bear would quote that 'Bears say 
    they love you with a slap.' Either way, it is acceptable behavior that
    should be terminated. For if you or she goes over board and both
    parties get out of hand. It might have adverse conditions to your
    future in the civil comunity. or in short you could do some time for
    domestic violence. And it might have started off as a friendly dope
    slap. 
    

    The fact that this behavior is acceptable is what bothers me the most.
    Thanks for the insight.
           chris
    

    
    
    
    I  have a 14 yr old daughter that has been going through this.  She 
    is 5'9" and doesn't' realize how strong she is.  Also has this attitude
    that boys/men should be able to "take it", and sometimes tends to 
    push things until her bother starts getting p.o.ed before she will
    back off.   I keep telling her that some day some guy's going to 
    wheel are round and try to take her head off.  I think enough people
    have told her that although this is not bad, it really isn't acceptable
    either.  I haven't seen any problems for the last couple weeks.

    fred();

    
    I say slap them back, real hard and that should put an end to it.
    
    As long as it's in self-defense, it's ok to me!!!!!
    

    re .0
    
    If this is a regular occurance, I think I would start looking for
    another partner.  it's been my experience that "playful" slaps can
    escalate to blows, or worse.
    
    Many abused women had the experience of a partner who "Liked to wrestle
    me to the ground" and have seen it escalate over years to more.
    
    meg

.0>    When play fighting with a female mate do you get hurt?

I've never done any play fighting, so I can't speak from personal experience.

>    I remind Virginia that what she has done is not fair and that if I ever
>    decided (as she does) to act in kind we would probably never be able to
>    play fight again. Despite my warnings she has continued to over step
>    the boundries.

I've got a couple of questions you may like to think about.  You don't need to
answer them here.  None of my business, really.


What would you lose if you gave up play fighting?

Can you both agree on boundaries to be respected?

Can she accept that you have a concern, even if she does not understand it?

Why does she overstep the boundaries?  Can you talk about it?

Is this behavior revealing some part of what she feels?  Can you talk about that?

If you keep on play fighting, will it escalate?

If you stop play fighting, will the feelings come out in different ways?

    I suppose I should clarify what I mean by "play fighting". We do not
    set aside an hour a week or anything like that, the play fights are
    spontaneous and usually occur when one of us is feeling slap happy.
    It is safe to say that in one year we may 'play fight' 5 times. Since I
    have been hurt only twice in the eight years we've been together, we
    are not having a problem with this and leaving each other wont solve
    the problem. 
    
    Consider this:
                  I come to work holding my ribs. Jim says " Chris what
    happened?"  I say, "Ah, Virginia and I were fooling around and she got
    a little out of hand."  Laughs all around, continue working.
    
    Then consider this:
                  Virginia goes to work holding her ribs. Mary says, "
    Virginia what happened" she says "Ah, Chris and I were fooling around
    and he got a little out of hand." Laughs all around? Probably not.
    
    The point is, as clarified in .2, it is socially acceptable for a woman
    to hurt a man, and I would just like to see how many men have been hurt
    by a woman. Its an awareness thing.
    

    I have a wife who does this.  She puts it down to growing up with very
    rough brothers.  Being kicked out of bed, and striking the ground,
    and any objects that maybe there (shoes, PC's children etc.)  I like
    the line from point break "there is too much testosterone around here
    for me."  She doesn't and usually stops.  The second line is to put
    this over macho style down to her northern lineage, this stops her 99%
    of the time.  The last line of defence, is "she's just intimidated by
    beautifull people"  it always works, though she doesn't talk to me for
    days afterwards.
    
    If I get physical, I either get a real blow, meant to hurt/injure or I
    discover that she has some terrible wound that I was previously unaware
    of, usually brought on by the bearing of children.
    
    So, if all else fails call her ugly.  It doesn't stop a charging Rhino
    but it sure as hell stops my wife.
    
    
    R.  Michael.
         

    A local man from Epping NH, Paul Langdon, killed his wife a year ago
    this month. Is sentenced to prision for life. Aparently she was the
    abusive person in their marriage. He will not get off for things that
    women can state in murder cases. Abusive. And there were letters from
    towns people stating and even testifying to the case in his behalf.
    
    

Is this the man who's defense was that his wife abused him, so he killed
her.  He pleaded insanity due to being in a steroid-induced rage?

--kath

There was a column (Patricia Smith?  I forget) in the Boston Globe last week
ridiculing a Boston man who claimed he killed his wife due to her abuse of
him.  The columnist made fun of how fat the man was and how a "big, strong
man like him" couldn't fend for himself against a 140-pound woman.  I found
myself wondering how the column would read if it were the wife who had
killed her husband.

					Steve

    "small defenseless woman ... big strong raging bull of a husband
    ... self defense ... justifiable homicide ... a heroine"
    
    ed

    --kath,
    
    No, this is not that person. Although there was a case where a woman
    and a man body builder, husband and wife, case where she killed him.
    
    And used the steriod excuse. This use of steroids in its dark side is
    called 'royde rage'. Users have taken picnic tables, that would sit 8
    or so folks made of 2 inch planking. And toss it across the back yard
    like a frisbee because the Mrs forgot to bring out the salt and peper.
    
    But Mr. Langdon was not on roydes. He was a case of the abused husband.
    And although I do not condone what he did, I can also state in either
    case when men or women kill each other in domestic violence like this
    is: "Dead men tell no lies".
    
    

RE:  Rauh

	Weird...then the news spot during the Today show about it must
	have definately been wrong.  It said that the guy was sentenced
	to life and that his defense was that he was abused by her and 
	killed her in a steroid-induced rage.

	I swear it was the same guy, it was a news spot the morning of
	the day you wrote that note.


	Weird......

	kath

..
	Kath,

	Langdon killed his wife. He admitted it. I do not know all the facts
	of the case but from the articles I read and the people I have talked
	to here was another example of what I have stated should be (could be)
	construed as mental abuse.  It does not justify Mr. Langdon killing his
	wife but perhaps if society and the law were changed to recognise this
	type of abuse this thing would not have happened.  Mr. Langdon clearly
	needed help *before* he killed his wife ... but none was there.

	Mr. Langdon was a 45 year old very successful businessman who was by
	all accounts a credit to his community and very active in town 
	affairs and school.  His wife cheated on him and was having an affair
	with a man from Pennsylvania.  She apparently did this for at least four
	years, all the while threatening to leave Mr. Langdon and telling him
	he was a loser (his businesses were floundering in the wake of the
	real estate crash in the late 80's) and kept on him to regain the money
	they had lost in the early 90's.  He did.  When that happened she filed
	for divorce and was apparently going to stick it to him (she never 
	worked outside the home) all the while she was still carrying on the
	affair (openly) with the guy from Pennsylvannia.  At a meeting requested
	by Mr. Langdon they argued about the conditions of the divorce and
	he apparently lost it.  Now both lives (and their two adult children's)
	are ruined or seriously changed for the worse.  

	

    --kath,
    
    This was on a local station outta Manchester NH and thru the local
    papers in NH. 
    
    Two differnt cases.