Conference quark::mennotes

    For a thorough examination of one manifestation of midlife crisis, read
    _Jennifer Fever_ by Barbara Gordon.

I was at a conference on midlife a few weeks ago, and the phrase "midlife crisis"
was used only to dismiss the concept.  Leaving the spouse and career, buying
the sports car and heading West seems to be just a media stereotype.  Sure, it
happens to a few folks, but so does getting struck by lightning.

Most people I know are more comfortable with a phrase like midlife transition.

I am 48 and have changed more in the past 3 years than I did in the previous 
twenty.  But I still have the same wife, job and car.  Sometimes it has
been painful, and sometimes still is.  I have also cried more in the last
3 years than in the previous twenty.  I am comfortable with a lot of ideas
that would have seemed impossibly weird to me a few years ago.  But I would
not call my experience a midlife crisis.

Am I typical?  More or less, by what I hear.

Is every midlife like mine?  Definitely not.

    "Midlife crisis" is used in some cases to describe a feeling that one
    is a fraud, that one's career growth and other accomplishments were
    made by bullshitting one's way through and that it is only a matter of
    time until the day of reckoning.  It is a very real phenomenon, but the
    people who suffer it are apparently a small minority.

    someone in soapbox said that only married men get the mid-life crisis.
    
    \nasser

    re .4, no, that's not true.  I know a 40 yr. old, single, guy, who has
    been feeling like he's going through a sort of mid-life crises.
    
    Lorna
    

When I see a mid-40s guy in a Corvette convertible, I usually say "Ah, another
mid-life crisis!"  But I might also say this if I see a mid-40's guy who 
leaves his wife for a mid-20's gal.  (Women also leave their husbands in
similar circumstances, but this seems rarer.)

				Steve

    People can have non-materialistic mid-life crises, too, though.  A
    friend of mine who has a high paying job, in corporate America, is now
    questioning the fact that he may not have used his intelligence and
    education to help other people, to the degree that he would have liked. 
    In other words, he's saying to himself - Yeah, sure, I'm considered
    successful, I have a good job, and make good money, but have I really
    done anything to make the world a better place?  Is what I have spent
    my adult life doing, so far, really valid?  I can respect that.  I
    think it's good that a successful man ask himself questions like that.
    
    Lorna
    

    i have a feeling that iam going through an early mid-life crisis right now.

    \nasser

    Lorna:

    A Midlife crisis is usually a spiritual, rather than a material,
    crisis.  Some generalizations:  it's often about making one's mark;
    it's often about intimations of mortality; it's often about fear:
    fear of growing old and useless, fear of dying, fear of being
    forgotten; it's sometimes tied to the death of one's father.  

    Some men react to this crisis by grasping at the accouterments of
    youth: a pretty new wife, the toys of young adulthood, and so forth.
    Others find a (new -- different -- renewed) spiritual path that helps
    them come to terms with their fears, anxieties, feelings.  They often
    weather the crisis with dignity and grace.

    I don't know about the mid-life crisis thing, but at 41 I noticed that
    I've changed a lot in just the past year. Mostly, I don't get excited
    over issues like I use to. Physically, I don't give a dam about weight
    loss to enhance appearance anymore and only care a little for health
    reasons. The "take me as I'am attitude" is prominent. Career wise, I'm 
    not so uptight about anymore. I don't worry about getting TFSO'd like 
    I use to. I figure I'll just do something else, or nothing if that be the 
    case. Another  thing I've noticed is that there are a lot more good
    looking women in the world than when I was younger. I wonder why that is ?;)

    Jim

    re .10, that's funny.  I'm 43, and I've noticed that there are a lot
    less good looking men in the world than when I was younger.  :-)
    
    (or at least good looking men my age or older!  Now, even 20 yr. olds
    that I wouldn't even have thought were cute, when *I* was 20, look pretty
    good to me, compared to the old goats my age & over!!!)
    
    Lorna
    

From:	MKOTS1::SUBSCRIBER "Please respond to the person(s) mentioned in the message  13-Apr-1993 1226" 13-APR-1993 15:04:47.37
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	***Please do NOT reply to this message, contact XCUSME::BONE***


        LIFESTYLE CONNECTION presentation:

                "SPORTS CARS AND FINDING YOURSELF"
                    Crisis in Mid-life

        People often begin to behave strangely when they hit
        mid-life.  Men are prone to buying red sports cars and
        having affairs with younger women.  Women want to "find
        themselves", and completely redefine the roles they have
        been living.  Are these just stereotypic descriptions of
        mid-life transition?  Is there truth to the mid-life crisis
        myth?

                        April 23 - Friday
                           12 - 1:00
                        Customer Dining Room
                           MKO1-2/J22
                Speaker: Dr. Bruce Cedar, Stoney Brook EAP


        To register send mail to XCUSME::BONE

    
    at 41 i have found that i can ferret out shallowness much more easily.

    Having been going through it for a few years now I can say
    that for myself it has been a total viewing of my past
    and present as a way of getting to the future that I want.
    Not always pleasant but I am making my future the way I want
    it regardless of what the marketing folks tell me I should
    want. So I have become less materialistic, more spiritualistic
    and more realistic. Not a bad change.

    Less likely to occur if you think about yourself and your life
    regularly and honestly throughout adulthood -- hence, no big surprises
    at 40 or 45.
    
    Kit

    RE:  .15
    
    Yeah, I thought so, too, until I experienced my own mid-life. 
    Something about turning 40 sure makes you think.
    
    I realized that I always thought of myself as both young and somehow
    invulnerable, even immortal.  And I saw that I am teetering on the edge
    of not being "young" as is conventionally thought.  More important, I
    am at the half way point of my healthy life, based on an average
    expectancy of 80 years and adding a few for lucky genetics. 
    
    So the real question became:  Given that my life has a limited span,
    and I've already lived many of my given years, how do I best use the
    remaining years?  What do I really want?  Life is just too short to
    suffer if you can do otherwise.
    
    Laura
    

    When I turned 40 (3 1/2 yrs. ago), it did bother me for a few days.  I
    remember thinking that even if I lived to be 80, it was already half
    over and that was a pretty scary thought.  Also, it seemed like just
    yesterday that I had turned 20, and it seemed as though the past 20
    yrs. had gone by in the blink of an eye.  I used to think (when I was
    in my early 20's) that it would take forever to get to 40.  But, it
    didn't take any time at all.  Time goes by so fast.  It scared me to
    think that the next time 20 yrs. had flown by, I would be 60 (on the
    threshold of old-age....better than the alternative, of course).
    
    For a few days these thoughts really bothered me, but then I got caught
    up in living again and stopped thinking about it.  
    
    Lorna
    

.15>    Less likely to occur if you think about yourself and your life

Kit,

May I ask how old you are?  

I am 48, and four years ago I would have said I had thought about my life 
regularly and honestly.  Now I would say that almost all my honest thinking 
has been done in the last four years.  I don't know what I may say ten years
from now.

    	Just a side thought....
    
    	A foreign bio-tech company has suspended the aging of a single cell
    life. The company has a branch in MA. They expect to market a product
    within ten years that will radically slow the aging process and
    stabilize the body.........
    
    	With that thought in mind, would you want your life to continue for
    a few extra years in your mid forties? fifties? sixties? 
    
    	The other thought.....what if you have a car accident and die at
    42? You thought you were in a mid life crisis....you were actually at
    midlife at 21.
    
    	We consider midlife to be 40 or so, but with the end being unknown,
    I tend not to worry about anymore....
    
    	Turning 30 was worse than 40.
    
    K

.19>    	With that thought in mind, would you want your life to continue for
>    a few extra years in your mid forties? fifties? sixties? 

Sure, although it depends on the quality of my life at that age.  I'd be glad
to have a few more years at present quality.  Beyond that, I don't know, but
based on people I know, I might turn down a few more years in my 70s and
would probably turn them down in my 80s.

It's like that old anti-smoking dialog:

	"If you quit, you can add five years to your life."

	"Who needs the 5 years?  I don't care whether I die at 80 or 85."

	"But the five years you add are in the middle.  Keep smoking 
	and you will be a wheezing old man five years before your time."

When I hear of some treatment that will add years to my life, I always
want to know whether it adds in the middle or the end.

.19>    The other thought.....what if you have a car accident and die at
>    42? You thought you were in a mid life crisis....you were actually at
>    midlife at 21.

In my case, I would have missed out on midlife altogether.  For me midlife is 
a psychological transition, not a date or a fraction.  Mine began when I was
44, but I don't expect to live to be 88.

    	At 80 my grandfather started teaching himself to type, so that he
    could write his memoirs. At 90 he was still walking several miles per
    day. A fair number of my relatives have taken the attitude that life
    begins at 80.
    
    	My parents (just touching 70) are starting packing for a month
    camping/caravaning round Europe.

    A friend's grandfather was high in midlife when he died.  He worked as
    a hand on a horse ranch.  One day he was bucked off a horse he was
    breaking, and landed on his head.  This occurred a few weeks after his
    85th birthday.
    
    Midlife is, as pointed out, not a chronological point but a
    psychological one.  A few years ago I decided that although I will grow
    older, I will not allow myself to grow old.  When I made that decision,
    I didn't realize that I had to grow up first, but - having grown up an
    amazing amount since turning 40 - I still consider it a valid decision.

    At 75 my grandfather took a camping trip across the US, at 79 he was in
    excellent health, still walking several miles a day, and chopping his
    own wood.  At 80 he ate a piece of watermelon, that turned out to be
    contaminated with salmonella, and suddenly died of food poisening. 
    What a heck of a way to go, after being so healthy, for so long!  So,
    ya never know.
    
    Lorna
    

    	I love to tell this true story:
    
    	My mother's aunt is now in her 90's. She had 23 children and raised
    them all in the woods of Upper Frenchville, Maine. She lives by
    herself, cuts her own wood, grows flowers, herbs, and has a small
    vegetable garden that she tends. .........most amazing:
    
    she's been totally blind since the age of 23. (don't know the desease)
    
    	She's outlived most of her children and is still very healthy, has
    her dog (not seeing eye, but as well trained) and is one of the most
    interesting people I've ever met. Listens to the radio and TV news. If 
    most of us could be as self reliant as this women, life would be a
    breeze with sight.
    
    Ken

At 41, I now definitely feel I'm in the second half of my life.

What do I do about this ?

Well, I keep doing the things I like to do.  I play tennis several mornings
a week before work.  I take ballroom dance classes and attend dances.  I
play go (an oriental board game).

But there are other things I do now too that I wasn't as into doing during
the first half of my life.  I meditate every night.  It relieves fear of
death, which has been a fear of mine since I was a child.  I also attend
a 12-step program concerning relationships and sexuality.  I didn't
do such things in the first half of my life.

You're right, there's no way of knowing where the halfway point of my
life is.  For me, it's a spiritual shift from just "hoping I'm still in the
first half" to "acceptance of my death and my connection with the universe".

/Eric

    
    go needs to become an x client.

>.15>    Less likely to occur if you think about yourself and your life

> Kit,
>
> May I ask how old you are? 
    
    I'm 46.  And what I mean is that people usually describe mid-life
    crisis in terms of realizing one's limits, even one's mortality, and
    having to deal with a range of issues based on that realization. 
    
    While I don't consciously spend a great deal of time "studying" myself,
    I have always examined myself and thought about myself with the same
    curiosity that I do other things that interest me -- you know, on the
    commute, before falling asleep, over an extra beer, whatever. In so
    doing I have considered the changes I go through, physically,
    emotionally, pscychologically, and what they add up to at any
    particular point in my life -- in other words, who I am.  If they add
    up differently at different times I notice it. 
    
    I may or may not do something based upon what I discover. For example,
    at 28 I realized that the 20 lbs that I had slowly added to my 185 lb
    6' 2" body had to go if it ever was to go -- so I changed my diet and
    started running again, and in 5 years was back where I wanted to be.
    
    Nor do new assessments necessarily mean limits -- it was only at 33
    that I first fell in love. This was an expansion, not a limitation.
    And this was something I *didn't* do anything about. I (perhaps
    foolishly) accepted the situation. Fortunately, my soon-to-be wife
    simply met me, clubbed me over the head, and dragged me back to the
    cave.
    
    When I do find limits scary (early ones were "I don't seem to know how to
    have romantic love" -- at about 18, and "I'll never be president" a
    couple of years later) I have never felt that they were a sudden
    unexpected presence in my life. They occur all the time.
    
    Conversely, age brings advantages. At 46 I am more confident, know
    more, am more personally satisfied than I was at 26. (I admit that I
    must drop "more physically fit" -- something I could have said 2 years
    ago before I developed a herniated disc!)
    
    Kit
    

    When I say that mid-life means one realizes one's limits, that's not
    necessarily a depressing realization.  It can actually be quite
    liberating.  For example:
    
    0  I'll never be a great jock.  I am freed from that expectation.  I no
    longer have to measure up.  Now I can go out with the guys and throw
    the ball around, and just have a fun time.
    
    o  I'll never be president of Digital.  I am freed from expectations to
    advance myself high up the ladder.  I can concentrate on my strengths
    and build my career through lateral moves and incremental gains,
    meanwhile having time for my personal life.
    
    o  I'm not tall, dark, and handsome.  But I'm attractive in my own way,
    dress nicely within my budget, and feel I really have empathy and can
    love women.  Women will appreciate me for who I really am.  Those who
    are looking for a GQ cover can look elsewhere; I don't want them
    anyway.
    
    o I've got back trouble that keeps me from walking long distances.  I'm
    sorry I can't walk all over Boston with my kids, but I can plan outings
    so that we have lots of fun anyway.
    
    Sometimes limits themselves are liberating.  We are free to pursue the
    maximum within the limits.
    
    Hope this helps,
    Laura

    Umm, it was brought to my attention that in my .28 I didn't make clear
    what realizations are mine, and which not.  I should say for the
    record, that I was putting these items in what I understand to be a
    man's point of view.  (They parallel similar realizations I've had as a
    woman.)
    
    I never aspired to jockhood, gave up on corporate ladder climbing ages
    ago, and am not concerned about being attractive to women or pleasing
    them sexually. 
    
    OK, big D, clear enough?   ;-)  Now you can stop teasing me about this
    one, and find something else, eh?  :-)
    
    Laura