| This explains it all.
CC:
Subj: Dave Barry Explains guys
SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION
By DAVE BARRY
CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a
long-term, table, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy.
Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's
extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean
by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later
he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to
keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at
the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed
it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And
they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
COMMUNICATIONS GAP
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I
feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care
about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain
because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . .
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . ''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks
might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a
bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a
rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A
tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he
would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going
over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture
for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did
Elaine ever own a horse?''
We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about
different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot
communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than
she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's
thinking on this particular topic is as follows:
Huh?
But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to
have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:
1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his
brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday
conversation, such as:
-- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have
a relationship?''
-- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a
relationship! You and I do, I mean.''
-- ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth
child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a
relationship!''
-- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only
about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53
years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.''
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually
it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start
thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about
women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . .
We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.''
And he will sincerely mean it.
The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.
By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant
to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.
''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to
make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys
were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth,
and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.
>From the forthcoming book, ''Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys'' by Dave
Barry, (c) 1995 by Dave Barry. Reprinted with the permission of Random House
Inc. Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.
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| To: STUFF
CC:
Subj: H: Seinfeld Commentaries - Three Billion Stooges :-)
Subject: FW: Seinfeld Commentaries - a little relief from
for all you Seinfeld fans out there ....
ON DATING:
- - - - -Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really,
but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference
between a date and a job interview is that in not many job
interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job.
Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be
working with?"
- - - - -What would the world be like if people said whatever
they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How
long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh,
sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks
anyway. See you later."
ON SEX:
- - - - -Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women,
sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an
emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two
minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very
exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to
occur.
- - - - -Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic
sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they
really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into
their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first."
"Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot."
They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very
cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a
month. I'm not swimming anywhere."
THE RELATIONSHIP
- - - - -Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think
that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of
love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to
get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like,
"Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we
need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on
sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks,
"I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't.
Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and
smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all
alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
- - - - -The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view
that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that
way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a
beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding
safety device, created by women because they know that men are
undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just
takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
ON CLOTHES
- - - - -I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain.
Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the
time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us
in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to
ruin the whole outfit here!"
TRAVELING
- - - - -I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I
noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on
the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that
clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word
"ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't
see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I
think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back
from lunch.
- - - - -You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted
windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better
way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot
Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet.
Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know
it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
- - - - -Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those
delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate.
Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't
believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's
something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A.
system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on
the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so
embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment.
They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll
run back and get them."
- - - - -You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?"
"Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When
do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
DEATH
- - - - -The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too
dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people
who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well.
"Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left
the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to
trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime?
They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that
when he hit the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim."
THAT'S ODD
- - - - -I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and
crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of
this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like
you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a
mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there.
There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But the
parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd
fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he
thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to
avoid hitting the other parakeet?"
- - - - - Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it.
One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front
seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He
called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it
holds up. "You Honor, my client did ask for the front seat."
The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call
it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to
call it. Case closed."
------- End of Forwarded Message
<<Many, many forwards deleted>>
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