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Conference quark::mennotes-v1

Title:	Topics Pertaining to Men
Notice:	Archived V1 - Current file is QUARK::MENNOTES
Moderator:	QUARK::LIONEL

Created:	Fri Nov 07 1986
Last Modified:	Tue Jan 26 1993
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	867
Total number of notes:	32923

701.0. "Who's right?" by ODIXIE::WASHINGTONJ () Fri Dec 13 1991 16:42

    The following is an incident that has occured between my husband and
    myself.  I really want the male perspective on this but that does not
    mean I don't want to also hear from the women.
    
    My husband (3 1/2) months has a 2 year old daughter.  She is very
    attached to me.  I have been as much a mother to her as her real
    mother.  My husband and I began dating about 7 months before she was
    born so I have been around her a great deal.  We have had problems with
    his daughter's mother and such that my husband asked her not to call
    our home any more (she is very rude to me).  On occasion I call there
    to check on her, esecially when I haven't seen her for a while.  At
    times I have gotten into discussions with her husband (prompted by him)
    on how unhappy they are and how it is not working out.  My
    step-daughter and I are very close.  When my husband goes to get her 
    the first person she asks for is me.  She wakes up in the morning 
    asking for me.  As a result my husband asked me not to call over 
    there anymore.  Here is the sequence:
    Friday: He asked each of us not to call
    Saturday:  She calls to check on her daughter
    Sunday: He asked me to call her and let her know when I would drop her
            off
    Wednesday:  We picked up some pictures of her and I called her to say
    hello and hugs and kisses.  Her mother nor she were in and I requested
    a return phone call.
    Thursday:  She calls my husband and said that I called her husband and
    told him something that had happened between herself and my husband. 
    This was a lie, my husband knew it was a lie but was furious because I
    called (regardless of the fact that she lied about what was said).  I
    explained to him why I called and what little was said.  That did not
    matter "If I had done as he asked me to she would not have had the
    opportunity to lie".
    
    He has not said anything to her about lying on his wife (this is not
    the first time) and does not want to talk to me because I did not "do
    as he asked".  He knows that I feel his daughter is as much my natural
    child as his and to ask me to limit my dealings with her to only when
    she is visiting us in my opinion is rediculous.
    
    Is he right to be upset?

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
701.1		CVG::THOMPSON	Radical Centralist	`Fri Dec 13 1991 16:55`	17
	It sounds like there is a lot going on that we (in this conference) do not and can not know. I suspect that there is a lot going on with your husband that you don't know. Perhaps he himself is unaware of these things. Being divorced can be a very emotional thing. Especially when children are involved. It maybe that your husband needs some help to understand and deal with some issues. I don't know enough to say who is right. If I were to base things only on what you wrote I'd have to say you're 99% in the right. But I suspect that if I just heard his side I might side with him. For the time being I'd do as he asks unless contacting your step daughter is more important to you than your husband is. Not that I think that is a good long term solution but you are more likely to get him to talk about things and get help (if he needs it) if you are on his good side than if he things you are out to mess up his life. Alfred
701.2	More info.	ODIXIE::WASHINGTONJ		`Fri Dec 13 1991 17:39`	4
	My husband was never married to his daughter's mother. They had only known each other a few months before she became pregnant. Nit'
701.3	hmmmmmmmmmmm, I'm confused	RIPPLE::KENNEDY_KA	Trust God	`Fri Dec 13 1991 22:51`	12
	>Friday: He asked each of us not to call >Saturday: She calls to check on her daughter >Sunday: He asked me to call her and let her know when I would drop her off A question, he asks each of you not to call. Then she calls. Then he asks you to call her, after he has requested you not to and then gets angry when you call later in the week? If he didn't want you to call, why did he ask you to on Sunday? Sounds like he broke his own rule to me. What is wrong with this picture? Karen
701.4	Confused maybe?	GLDOA::KATZ	Follow your conscience	`Sat Dec 14 1991 16:39`	9
	re: Is he right to be upset? I think your husband felt that you viloated his trust by calling. I also think he is probably confused by his feelings over this matter and being upset is his way of conveying his mixed up feelings to you. Take the time to really talk this out with him. I'm hopeful that you can. -Jim-
701.5	play by the rules	EARRTH::MACKINNON		`Mon Dec 16 1991 13:27`	24
	You have to remember that no matter how much you love this child she is not yours!! She has a mom and a dad and from what you've said also a set of steps. I dealt with similar issues in my last relationship. This child's mom does not want you in her childs life, and even though you are, it hurts her. My solution was to step back and just interact with the child when she was in my presence. Sure it hurt a little, but the bottom line was that she was not my kid and I could behave as if I were her mom. I feel your husband is justified in asking you to just keep contact with the child while she is in your presence only. Try to think of it from his perspective. He has a child he loves with a woman he does not love. The woman he does love loves the child of the woman he doesnt love. Sure gets complicated doesnt it? All you can do is give the child as much love as you can,but follow the rules. Yes it is not fair, but that is the reality of the situation. One thing is for sure, this has to be resolved soon by all parties concerned. Don't let it drag out. The child will be the one to suffer the most if it does.
701.6		CARTUN::TREMELLING	Making tomorrow yesterday, today!	`Mon Dec 16 1991 14:59`	19
	re .0 I hope I'm not reading more into this than is really here, but this is my armchair shrinking. Looks to me like hubby wants to control the interactions a bit more, for whatever reason. If you agreed to hubby's request not to call without his advance knowledge or consent, then called (except for signifcant emergency, perhaps?), that was a violation of your agreement. Whether or not you like the agreement (you seem less than pleased), having made it I can understand how he would be upset if it wasn't kept. Divorces are made of this kind of stuff, if such a pattern should develop and continue. Perhaps you would like to re-negotiate the agreement? Or cancel it? I think that clarity of your own feelings and needs to both yourself and hubby is very important. This looks like just the beginning of many NCP kinks. Good luck! Back to the comics....
701.7	Sounds like Dejavu	SALEM::KUPTON	Pasta Masta	`Tue Dec 17 1991 13:40`	14
	A very similar situation is taking place within a very close friend of mine's family. The new bride of the ex-huband is well liked by the child. The mother of the child and her new husband have custody. Every time the child reacts positively to the new bride of dad, the mother restricts the custody visits. The only one to suffer is the child. Abide by your husband's request not to call. If he asks you again to call the child or her mother, refuse on his principle and that you wish to prevent further misunderstandings. Ask if it's OK to write. Every kid likes to get mail. Ken
701.8		HAMMAR::RAUH	Home of The Cruel Spa	`Tue Dec 17 1991 13:50`	2
	An answering machine works well, screen the calls and then say, "O.K. hubby, its your phone call. Handle it....."
701.9	Negotiate	XCUSME::MCCAUGNEY		`Tue Dec 17 1991 14:06`	9
	How about setting a specific time once or twice a week for a routine phone call? It sounds like it would take a lot of negotiating on the "real mom's" part; but at least she would know when the call was coming and would be able to tell her child that she can talk to "so & so" during their routine phone call. Sounds to me like your husband needs to dig in his heels and take action. As the child gets older it's only going to get worse if he doesn't start taking some sort of stand. Just my 2 cents worth...
701.10	and I've met some smart ones...	EN::DROWNS	this has been a recording	`Tue Dec 17 1991 15:43`	6
	How much can a 2 year old have to say on the phone? bonnie
701.11	Respect the parents wishes	HAMPS::HAWKINS_B	Secretaries do it in Minutes	`Wed Dec 18 1991 09:54`	17
	I tend to feel that you should not be phoning the child at her home, I have a 14 year old step daughter and would not phone her at home, although we get on extremely well, because her mother does not like me to phone their home (she is remarried). I leave the phone calls to her dad and send my love. I respect her mother's wishes, I would not particularly want her phoning my home to speak to my husband (her ex) unless it was really necessary. It's difficult I know, I care about my step-daughter and there are lots of things in her life I would love to change, but I can't, I can only try to make her happy when she is with us and reassure her that we care and that our home is her home whenever she wants to use it. Respect the parents wishes, give her lots of love when you have her and as she grows she will love you all the more for it.