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Conference quark::mennotes-v1

Title:	Topics Pertaining to Men
Notice:	Archived V1 - Current file is QUARK::MENNOTES
Moderator:	QUARK::LIONEL

Created:	Fri Nov 07 1986
Last Modified:	Tue Jan 26 1993
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	867
Total number of notes:	32923

677.0. "Developing Male-Male Relationships" by QUARK::MODERATOR () Fri Nov 01 1991 10:57

    The following topic has been contributed by a member of our community
    who wishes to remain anonymous.  If you wish to contact the author by
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				Steve






I have a question, but first I'll give you some background information.

I am going through rough times with my wife.  I am unhappy about a 
number of aspects of our relationship.  When I have tried to talk to her 
about any of my feelings, she either gets very defensive, angry and 
hostile, or she tries to belittle my feelings and insists that *she* 
thinks everything is fine the way it is.  I tried to get us into marital 
therapy.  She reluctantly went twice and then refused to have any part 
of it anymore.  So now I am in therapy alone.  I am still married.  My 
marriage may not last, but then again, sometimes I see signs of hope.

The reason I am entering this note is because my therapist strongly 
urges me to get involved with men doing "man things."  You know, some 
male bonding sorts of activities.  I know that men tend to socialize 
around hobbies, sports, or interests of different sorts.  I do have a 
couple of good male friends as a result of some musical activities in 
which I'm involved, but that's about it.  I'd like to figure out some 
other ways to become "one of the guys." 

I suspect that this problem is not so unusual for some of us.  I have 
spent the last ten years focusing on my wife, my kids, and my home, and 
I haven't put much effort into building strong male bonds.  Now I need 
to do that. 

Any suggestions about how I can begin?  I am in my mid-30's and live in 
Southern NH.  I'm not a big sports fan, although I enjoy bicycling and 
cross-country skiing.  As I said, music is part of my life, both as an 
active participant (musician) and as a fan.

So how do I go about building up a network of male friends where none 
exists right now?

	Thanks.

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
677.1		AIMHI::RAUH	Home of The Cruel Spa	`Fri Nov 01 1991 13:47`	11
	You have neighbors? Talk to them, the neighborhood men are family men, have the same common values of life that you have. Talk to them. Last night I went out 'trick and treating' with my daughter. She is 3 years old. Funny, I met more neighbors last night in my neighborhood in 1 hour than in the eight years that I have lived there. Are you a church type of person? If not, and have a faith of choice, go. You will meet others of sim value sets there too. Good luck
677.2	notesfiles/clubs/etc	STAR::BARTH	Ride the whims of your mind	`Fri Nov 01 1991 14:07`	7
	There are notesfiles for cycling and skiing. You might want to take a look at them and see if there are some group/club activities you could participate in to meet people with similar interests. I know that my brother used to ride with the Granite State Wheelmen (a New Hampshire bicycling club) and met some good friends on the rides. Karen.
677.3	Be a joiner	GLDOA::KATZ	Follow your conscience	`Fri Nov 01 1991 16:29`	4
	I took up Karate and joined a mens bowling team. There are a lot of options. -Jim-
677.4		CSC32::S_HALL	Wollomanakabeesai !	`Fri Nov 01 1991 17:19`	8
	So, offer to help out when your colleagues at work get involved in a project. Car work, house remodeling, landscaping, or whatever, they'll appreciate the help, and you'll probably enjoy the company. Steve H
677.5		ESMAIL::BEAN	Attila the Hun was a LIBERAL!	`Fri Nov 01 1991 18:15`	16
	you mentioned music. you might thing about barbershop singing. singing is theraputic. you just CANNOT be involved in your personal tragedies while you are singing Wait 'Till the Sun Shines Nellie! THere is a barbershop chorus that meets weekly in Nashua, NH. There are several barbershop chorus' which meet weekly all around the Boston area, including the chorus I sing with, the Sounds of Concord. I believe there is a chorus in Merrimack, NH, also. Write me off line if you are interested. tony (Keep the Whole World Singing!)
677.6		JENEVR::PAIGE		`Fri Nov 01 1991 20:10`	22
	Speaking from experience I can tell your are looking for answers to some tough questions and your wife's reluctance to join you speaks for itself. One suggestion is to look at some of your children's activities as an opportunity to meet some new men friends and then develop your friendships from there. Most men seem reluctant to meet new people unless there is a catalyst so be a little pushy. Say, at the next soccer or whatever game talk to the father next to you, make plans to meet after the next game to take the kids out for sundays. I believe a lot of men are in the same boat, most of my close male friends are on the order of ten year old friendships or longer. But I have recently met some new men friends this way. As for New Hampshire Emeralds bowling alley in Raymond where I live have some league where they make up the teams and nobody knows each other in the beginning. Also there are groups in NH such as to Re-enact the old western days and a Civil War roundtable discussion group in Epping. Don't forget volunteering, And if your marriage goes the wrong way there is a father united group that works many issues around divorce and custody, it could be enlightening just to see the messy side of divorce. Mick
677.7	Hey, it's late on a Friday!	PENUTS::HNELSON	Hoyt 275-3407 C/RDB/SQL/X/Motif	`Fri Nov 01 1991 20:17`	5
	Aren't Rotary, Kiwanis, Elks and the ilk (nice juxtaposition there, accidental I'm sure) the traditional places? I think a divorce-support group sounds on-the-money (so to speak). How about a volleyball league? Those often have women, too, which could serve to your advantage (I'm on a roll here).
677.8	Not exactly PC .. but ...	MORO::BEELER_JE	Go for broke!	`Fri Nov 01 1991 23:46`	20
	I don't know if you drink and certainly don't want to encourage anyone toward alcohol if they are not presently so inclined ... BUT ... The classical "neighborhood bar" is a fantastic place to meet new friends ... you certainly don't have to go get bombed out of your gourd to have fun and meet people ... I have been known to nurse a single beer for hours ... and I wear my wedding ring so that I don't have to fight off the female_lady_wimmins (I'm rather handsome :-) ). Out in this part of the country (Bakersfield/Taft, CA) and in West Texas, we've got a WEALTH of the classical good ol' down home redneck bars with C&W music, two-steppin', talkin' ... etc. I don't think that I've EVER gone to one of these places and not made a new friend. I hope that no one thinks I'm encouraging drinking, but, the neighborhood bar was once an "institution" and they are rapidly disappearing. General Bubba Rednecks Anonymous
677.9	:-)	NOVA::FISHER	Rdb/VMS Dinosaur	`Mon Nov 04 1991 09:05`	10
	re:.2 "that my brother used to ride with the Granite State Wheelmen (a New Hampshire bicycling club) and met some good friends on the rides." And the Pres. is a digit who works in Nashua... 'Course a lotta NE cyclists hang up thier bikes in the fall. ed
677.10	OFFERS SUPPORT	HSOMAI::BUSTAMANTE		`Mon Nov 04 1991 12:00`	8
	As someone who went through the same experience you are facing, I know that you seek more than the traditional "sports talk" type of male bonding conversations. Please feel free to send me mail off-line if you want to discuss your feelings about divorce, custody, impact on the kids, dating new women, whatever. Best wishes, Jorge
677.11	Your answer is inside !	RAVEN1::ZELLNER		`Tue Nov 05 1991 09:12`	14
	RE.10 DITTO The one thing that got me through this situation was coming in contact with myself. I found that the more I liked myself,the happier my life became.It really wasn't a matter of finding new friends in social settings. When I established my own self worth, I began to like myself. And, once I liked myself, people tended to be attracted to me. Each one of us has the secret to happiness built into us. Once we find the key to unlock this happiness, the rest is a piece of cake. Feel free to contact me off line if there is a desire. Best Wishes, Charlie
677.12	Look Up	ROULET::SANTANA	Step in my Arena	`Thu Nov 07 1991 09:45`	10
	From my point of view .10 is right a sense of self worth and confidence are the key. With this you'll notice changes because these things can be sensed by others. Walk tall, don't stare down, meet people in the eye. Go to a club if you don't want to drink, even if you do drink you can always drink there. Go to the YMCA or park and shoot some ball. Talk to your best male friends and let them know how you feel. Worst of all don't feel pity or like you did anything wrong cause you were more of A man to dedicate yourself so deeply to the things you love, just use this as a stepping stone and realize to have a personal life, and good family life are one in the same.