Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    I don't know about a "norm" for this kind of thing...when I first
    met my now-ex-wife, we had sex constantly. Almost three or four times
    a day...and on weekends? Double it! "IT" (as I'll try to refer to it 
    as, for the remainder of this) was always, always, always fantastic.
    Not because of the act itself, but because of the emotions and feelings
    we shared for one another enhanced the act itself. 
    
    When we moved in together before we married, it lessened to some extent 
    (our lives were changing in other ways as well, though). When we married, 
    it lessened even more. *Not* the interest...the frequency. I think there 
    is a difference. 
    
    You see, whenever we did make love, it was fabulous. And that never
    changed even when we separated and were still seeing each other "off
    and on", so to speak. But, neither of us wanted it to be the sole reason 
    for us to build a life upon; and it turned out that even "it", as great as
    "it" was, couldn't solve our problems (nor should "it" even be considered 
    the only reason a couple should stay together)...and we parted company.
    
    The funny thing is, now that I'm involved in a new relationship myself,
    and I find the same emotions happening with regards to sex. My new partner
    and I have "it" constantly...whenever we get together...but we still
    would enjoy each other's company if "it" were more *or* less. Right now,
    for the both of us, the timing just happens to be right. That's when
    the real wonder of such intimacy is...when *both* you and your partner
    share these strong feelings, and neither of you has to say a word...you
    just...well...*do* "it"...;') ;') 
    
    The tenderness, passion, and emotional "bonding" (no pun intended) of this
    "act" is felt (also) within the heart and the mind...and the soul...it's 
    "making love", not "sex". And no matter how many times you do "it" in an 
    hour, a day, or a week...if it doesn't have those elements...it's never 
    going to *be* an act of love. Just my opinion, but I hope it helps.

       I noticed that you didn't mention if you had talked with your husband
    about this or not, he will be the one to provide you with the best
    answer to your question as to why it has decreased.  I've found in 
    my marriage at least that it's best to ask away, that way I at least
    have a place to start.  It could be work stress or other life related 
    stress.  Another common one is the priority list for life,  we all 
    have a daily priority list,  if sex is the last thing on the list it
    could be that your husband is just worn out.  I know with me that a lot
    of times the last on the list seldom gets done, if this is the 
    case most people don't even know that they are doing this, or focusing 
    their attention to their careers etc...  
       Once again,  it could be several reasons, (IMO) you should ask him.      
    
    
    Communication is where it's at,
    
    The Love Dr.

    I'm not sure the husband always knows why or is willing to say why.
    And even if the answer is correct, the true reason may be lurking 
    behind the superficial one.  For example, if the husband is overworking
    because he is trying to avoid something in the relationship, then he
    may say that he isn't interested in sex as much because he is too tired
    from working so much.  That may be true, but it isn't the real answer.
    Or he may just not want to confront the issue.  For example, if he is
    losing interest because the sex is becoming repetitive and boring, he
    may be very afraid of telling you that for fear of hurting your
    feelings, or he may be annoyed that you aren't making it more
    interesting for him, and feels that telling you that would spoil it
    anyway, because it wouldn't be spontaneous.  Or he may be turned off
    because you've gained weight and resemble his mother and he is
    beginning to feel subconsciously incestuous.  He will not be aware of
    that, but may be aware that your excess weight is a turn-off for him.
    He might be sensitive enough about your feelings that he doesn't want
    to tell you that.  It's generally thought counter-productive to suggest
    that someone else lose weight.  I doubt that sexual interest ever dies
    off for no good reason.  There is always some reason lurking about 
    somewhere.  
    
    I strongly recommend that you not just sit back and hope that things
    will get better or think that this is just the way things go and turn
    your back to it.  My wife and I did that for the better part of 20
    years, and only just now are discovering each other again.  What a
    waste those years were!  Work on it.  Read some books.  Get some
    counseling.  Life is short, time is a precious resource.
    
    						- Vick

    I also vote stress in the work place. We are in a recession, he
    probably fears for his job and how its lack will cause him to be a
    falure at being the good provider. It happend to me in the 1982
    recession. You will also find that divorces are higher during
    recessions. 'Death till us part' is more like, 'till you pockets loose all
    there jingleness' (God Bless the Child). The problems of the 20th
    century as my attorney would quote me. (Damn Her!:)) I can only give
    the same coments to you as the other well noted folks before me. Give
    him a talk to, hang in there tuff for him. It gets better down the road
    when things are fine in the work place agian.
    
    Remember when the road gets tuff, the weak get f&^*'ed. Hang tuff! 

    Hey, appreciate the comments, but I didn't want to imply that this
    was my "husband" referred to in the basenote.  But, now that y'all
    have, what the hey!
    
    It's just that often times you hear about the wife being the one
    to want it less, but I wondered that the reverse could be just as
    true.  What can ya do?  Back in the early days, yea, all the time,
    everywhere, really passionate stuff; now, it's totally the opposite.
     Well, we're not exactly married anymore, either.  We've been reunited
    after 5 years, and we're not exactly the same people. 
    
    This is a rather embarrassing topic, but your comments are
    great!                                               

    Sorry it has embarrassed you. But sometimes if thats what it takes to
    learn something about yourself and SO, so be it. I feel that the best
    way back is to just keep up the passionate stuff. He'll come about
    soon. it happend to me too.:) I thanked mine for all those
    understanding times over and over with flowers and stuff. Yes, the
    river is not the same as it was when you stuck you foot into it for the
    first time, but it can be just as comfrotable and refreshing as it once
    was. Just give him lots of time and love. 
    
    Good luck!
    
    George

    For me, it happened when I developed the conviction that my SO was
    indifferent (or worse) regarding sex. She never demanded it. She
    complied with my demands, with more or less resistance depending on Dog
    knows what. It was very discouraging. Sex is too intimate an act to
    force on anyone. Her lack of enthusiasm was a large cause of our
    eventual break-up.

    I would bet that 99% of married couples have less frequent sex than
    when they were courting (the 1% for the virgins ;-)...     But that
    doesn't have to mean that interest dies, or stress, or anything else
    the pseudo-psychologists might have you believe... 
    
    In fact, in my case, my love continued to grow, and my ex was always
    extremely sexually attractive to me, during our 5-year marriage... 
    But, I'll admit, there were nights when I just too tired to invest the
    energy - after all, if you can have it anytime you really need it, why
    bother when you're exhausted?  ;-)   (As opposed to courtship, when you
    "don't know if she'll be there tomorrow", so make tonite good! ;-)
    
    JMH$.02W,
    
    Dave

    .8
    You're probably right!  

    re:  .8
    
    Who you calling a pseudo-psychologist!?  You obviously have some kind
    of repressed anger at authority figures.  
    
    :^)

    You know, this whole topic reminds of an old tape I have by comedienne 
    Joan Rivers. In it, she talks briefly about her marriage at the time, 
    and how:
    
    "When you're first married, you play all those little games like 
    running around the bed yelling "Catch Me! Catch ME!"...now, some "XX" 
    years later, when my husband and I do it, we still play the same 
    games...only slower...(and in a very drowsy tired voice she says)
    
    Joan:   "catch me (yawn)...catch me..."
    
    Hubby : "(yawn) can I catch ya tomorrow?...:
    
    Joan:   "...(yawn)...sure..."
    
    
                                       

    I can agree with .11.  It kind of like a new bike, you ride it until
    you drop, then after a while it's just a bike but that doesn't mean you
    like it any less.
    
    
    Just my wooden nickel.
    

    I am surprised that no one brought up subjects related to developing a
    sensuous climate in the relationship. As we develop more familiarity
    with our SO's it becomes more difficult to achieve a high pitch of
    excitement. Some people go out and become swingers (which I do not
    recommend), some others look for new scenarios to make love, or even
    bring in a third party! or indulge some of those fantasies that are
    appealing to one or the other (hopefully both!)
    
    I have a friend who was married for five years to a woman who was VOGUE
    cover material. Then they divorced. At that point they had not had sex
    for months. His explanation? "She was too good a person. She reminded
    me too much of my mother and I found it difficult to be aroused by her,
    I like much better girls and women who are slightly perverse,
    unpredictable, unfaithful even."
    
    So you see, this is a highly personal matter, with so many variations
    that I am sure everybody will have different opinions on the subject.