Conference quark::mennotes-v1

        Wouldn't bother me.  What happened before I met my wife is part
        of her life's  experience  and  helps  to  make her what she is
        today, and I fell in love with the person she is today.  If she
        wants to keep mementos such  as  photographs  or  letters, then
        that's her business, not mine and  something  I  would not ever
        'snoop'  into for any reason.  Then  again,  I'm  not  insecure
        about our relationship...
        
        Your mileage may vary!
        
        Andy

    Why shouldn't she keep them?  Just because you become involved with
    someone doesn't mean you have to discard your past.  I would never
    even think of suggesting something like that.  Now if she kept a
    photo of a former lover on her nightstand, I might have some worries about 
    the nature of our relationship, and I might pursue those worries, but I 
    wouldn't do it by saying she had to remove the offending photo.  And
    I would not snoop, of course.
    
    I don't think anyone has the right to look through my wallet without my
    permission.  (Money is the most exciting thing I keep in my wallet.)
    Once my wife was looking for money and "accidentally" found a sales slip
    for a surprise present I had bought her.  Serves her right!  :^)
    Of COURSE there is private property in a "good" relationship.  I don't
    know what a "tight" relationship is.  It sounds like a relationship in
    which one partner wants to tightly control the other.  I would not
    likely comply if my wife asked me to throw out anything that I wanted
    to keep.  If she threw something of mine out without my permission
    I would talk to her about visiting a therapist to try to get a handle
    on her problems.
    						- Vick

    Seems to me there are two very different questions there,
    Cindy.
    
    There is the general question of having something that
    is private from your intimate partner.
    
    There is the more specific question of mementos of one's
    past life, whether it be letters, photos, scrapbooks, etc.
    
    I think it is important for each person to be able to have
    a private collection of stuff.  And even if both people
    have the best of intentions, in a moment of frustration they
    may not be able to live up to their intentions, so I think it is
    OK to lock it up, whether it is a diary, a small box, or a
    whole room.  Naturally, the partners better be able to agree
    to this!
    
    On the other hand, I would never expect a partner to keep
    mementos of a former relationship locked up!  I don't suppose
    having a picture of some other guy on the wall in every room
    would make me feel very good, but if a woman that I was in
    a relationship with had a picture of a former partner around
    or had kept some letters that she had exchanged with him, I
    would not mind.  Relationships may take years to get over,
    especially if they ended badly, and trying to "erase memory" 
    by my telling her to do away with all the pictures is not
    useful to her or us.
    
    I keep a journal.  The journals now fill a box.  I go back 
    and read them sometimes.  There is all kinds of stuff written
    and taped into those journals, including letters, notes, etc,
    running the full range of emotions toward former partners.
    I would not want to have to "get rid" of those journals,
    because my partner didn't like that I had stuff from a former
    relationship there, or because they are private.
    
    By the way, a former partner ripped the last twenty pages out
    of my journal and went off with them during our breakup.  She
    gave them back a few days later.  She said she needed to know
    what I was writing about her in there.  I didn't care, I was
    not writing anything in my journal that I was not saying to
    her in one form or another.  So she mistrusted me and got a
    lesson in trusting.  And I got a lesson in mistrust, which
    is why I would not object to a lock.  She had honored the
    privacy of my journal for a year (I believe) but in the
    frustration of the breakup, she did not honor it...
    
    This is just one area of a whole subject: "what is shared
    and what is private?"
    
    Wil

    I had a few old pics of some of the women of my life hanging around. A
    few artifacts, such and undergarments and such. They went to the trash,
    at her request. It doesn't bother me. She had a few pics of places and
    men in a scrap book. Some how it did not register with me what was
    going on. I was very much in love with my former wife. Such is life.
    Wished I had kept them, for I know understand why people do keep them.
    As Christmas really marks the passage of time, with the old songs, the
    old decorations, the nastalgic (sp) of it all with the old friends who
    drop in for a tree viewing and stuff. These things, when we are alone,
    when we are facing new times in our lives, its great to take a break
    from it all and remember that this is/was our past. Reguardless if they
    women or men of our past were geeks, freeks, or shieks. They mold our
    past to make our future. We might tell ourselves that they did not mean
    anything to us. But ask Jimmy Stuart in "A Wounderful Life", or
    Scrooge. Wounder what would they have done if faced with some of the
    trammas of todays living?

    RE: .1
    
    I agree totally.  Every aspect of the past has contributed to the
    development of the individual as they are today, good or bad including
    past relationships.
    
    Unfortuantely some people feel threatened by rememberances of past lovers
    in the possession of their mates.  I do feel that this is a general
    feeling of insecurity and if the relationship is solid there is nothing
    to really worry about.
    
    Everyone is entitled to privacy.  One person's definition may be
    different than that of another's and in cases such as this it should be
    discussed because people can often take for granted things they
    consider private from that of another.  But I would never ask someone
    to ditch personal and private things they hold dear because of my
    subjective evaluation of them. 

I've still got mine.  I hardly ever go thru them, but once in a while, when
I'm cleaning or something and come across them, I'll sometimes review them.  My
fiancee hasn't said nothing about it, although she doesn't like me having them
out in view.  That's fine.  I put old photos to video tape with music.  Some
day, I might put all my collection of my past, including "X's" to video tape.
She may not like that, but as has been said, it's PART of me... part of my past
which I built upon.  It's got nothing to do with clinging to an "X."  It's like
"This is Your Life" and you can't remove those parts of your past without
disrupting your story line and leaving holes unexplained in your biography.

I also have all my mail.  It too is part of my past and is good to reflect on
from time to time.  Sometimes, it may just help to realize that all of those
periods were not major mistakes.  No one wants to think that a big hunk of
their past was wasted.  I had some fun times with several women of my past, and
some of those times will stay with me forevermore.  

Heck, even some songs will take me back to various times and women in my
life... even back to early school years... and some of the women were not major
events in my life, but still triggered special feelings in me.

db

    I have kept a few photos of former girlfirends. I'm a
    sentimental type of guy. ;)
    
    			-Jim-

    I agree with the majority here, and would just like to add:
    
    I think its the same as personal privacy...  With the obligatory
    exceptions, its pretty much true that as long as you do not infringe
    upon anyone else's right, you are free to do as you please...
    
    In this case, you should certainly be able to keep past momentos out of
    "open view".  I think the people that have a problem with this have the
    problem, not the person keeping the memories...
    
    However, if these momentos infringed upon my personal space (like a
    picture of an ex-lover in the bedroom ;-), then I think I have a right
    to suggest that they be removed from view...   
    
    Snooping, trust, communication, etc. to me, are larger types of
    problems that simple momentos are just a symbol for..
    
    Dave

    I think in my case, I threw these momentos out in respect for my ex.
    I realize now how much of myself I gave up to be 'the good husband'.
    So, next time, if there is another.:)

    If my wife wants to keep old pictures and letters, why not. She married
    me not them so why be jealous? 
    
    			Alfred

    
    My lady keeps a diary, and it kills me sometimes that I can't read it,
    but I respect her enough not to. We have an agreement - what happened
    before June 8th is over. I don't want her diggin' through my things
    so I control myself :-). I keep in touch with my old girls becuase
    most are very successful, and we all know that you can't close doors 
    when you go thru them. She does likewise, but they all know about her.
    I hope all her friends know about me :-). 

    When I was married my ex had pictures of past boyfriends and I diden't
    think anything of it they were a part of her life at one time I was
    a part of it then. We all have a right to our memories I still have
    every picture I ever got of my past friends and lovers.
    
    -j