Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    My response is no.
    
    I am a male and am 30 years old.
    
    
    
    **Let us all base our decisions with the knowledge that we are not
    married.  For those of us who are, we will also respond as if we were
    single.

No - male - straight - unmarried - 22. 

I think we have a biased sample here, not to say that the original survey wasn't
(it was in the UK by the way, and I don't know how it was conducted: an 
anonymous phone poll would probably produce different results to interviewing
bunches of 18 year old 'lads' down the pub).

    Nope.  26- male
    
    I was brought up by nuns, so that might have something to do with it.
    
    My wife and I did not make love until we were married....FWIW.
    
    also, in this day and age, with all of the deseases (sexually
    transmitted types) it would be rather immature and downright dangerous
    to practice unsafe sexual "bar hopping".....

    
    Hi Mike W. I'm glad you started this. I remember the note in another
    topic and though I didn't respond to it, I found the generalization
    of it insulting to men. 
    
    My answer is NO! Then I'd tell her to get lost.
    I'm married and 37.
    
    							Hank

    NO WAY-- I'm single, female, and 24.
    
    I find it difficult to believe that anyone who thinks like an adult
    would.  

 Gee- I guess I'm a minority. ;^)

 If I were unmarried and a suitable woman came up to me on the streets, I
would probably agree to a sexual encounter.

 Male- 27.

    Single, male, over 39.
    
    NO.
    
    Jerry

    
    	This is ridiculous. Who the heck is going to say "yes" in public,
    	especially in our ultra-Puritanistic NE area? 
    

    
    Now, even if I weren't married, I'd say no, thank you!  Although,
    in my college days there was exactly this situation and we'd
    arranged to meet for just this type of "no-strings" encounter.
    I backed out a week before.  (of course, I'd known this man since
    childhood and we'd always had the hots for one another.)  So
    perhaps the college mentality is different from the 'adult' 
    mentality.  
    Female, 23.  (college life ended almost 3 years ago, for me)
    
    Rachael
    

    No. Male. 27. 
    
    Additionally, I'd tell her I find the offer quite flattering, but she
    ought to consider going to an analyst to find out what's missing...
    
    Oh well, my opinion is that taking time to get to know the other person
    adds both excitement and quality to sex. It doesn't depend on time,
    just on the feeling you have to feel personally very close to the other
    person. Sometimes it takes more time, sometimes it happens quite fast.
    I could never stomach one night stands, and I'll never fall for the
    trap of pure physical attraction again. It made me feel absolutely
    miserable and physically sick the next morning. Never ever again.
    
    More statistic data of interest:
    
    * It's proven that quite a lot of men would make love to a woman just
    for physical reasons. That's not debatable, I think we're addressing
    the wrong test persons for reliable stats in here...men are rather the
    ones tending to promiscuity (how do you explain the whole collection of
    "men's" mags and movies otherwise?)...
    
    * I grew up in a beach ressort that is 10 miles from a big city, and
    which is very "lively" in the summer. We (I was about 18 back
    then) were discussing this subject in our group (boys and girls) while
    lying at the beach in the sun, stating that "boys" are faster starters
    and would have sex with almost every good-looking woman, and someone
    said the girls were quite the same but were afraid of living it out. To
    clear the discussion, and really just out of pschological interest, we
    made our own survey, approaching young girls either at the beach or in
    some disco and politely asking what they'd say if  we asked them to
    spend the night with us. The result was that only about 5% showed some
    interest, even in a "love"-friendly environment like the beach in the
    summer in vacation time, when people are out for fun. And it was not
    that some of the guys had much more positive answers than others, which
    just shows you that if someone thinks that way, he or she isn't very
    selective... Anyway, I spent some of the most emabarassing days of my
    life during our "research" work...
    Interestingly, back then most of us said, yeah, we'd make love to a
    good looking woman out of pure fun. Fortunately, time made me wiser...
    
    ...Paul                                                   

No.  Male.  Straight.  40



I don't think I would have said yes even when I was younger.  I have never been
able to think of sex with someone without some degree of love or emotional 
attachment.




Jim

    Male, 37, straight, Picese, 6'0", shoe size 9, 225 lbs of still more
    linebacker than not thanks to my latest "hobby".
    
    Twice yes, three times no.  And I hated myselfe afterwards--for all
    of them.  ;^).  You just can't win.
    fred();

    Sure. Male. 25.
    
    Never heard of Casanova-syndromes? Men can't escape it. It's what
    nature dictates. They can be reasonable and suppress it. But if they'd
    listen to their body and instincts, they'd go fot it.

    That's a flattering offer, but no thanks.
    
    (Same reply to an attractive person of the same sex.)
    
    Male, 54.           Bill

Re .0, I think you started this topic in response to a
comment I made in Lisa whathername harrassment string.  When
I made the comment that I thought most men loved "empty
physical encounters" or whatever it was.  (I can't even
remember exactly what the phrase was now!)  

I was not referring to a situation as cold and abrupt as
walking up to a stranger, or having a stranger walk up to you,
and propose sex.  I think most women would consider this too
dangerous no matter how attractive the man might be.  My first
thought would be that either the guy was drunk, was making fun
of me or was a crazed homocidal maniac who intended to murder me,
cut me up into little pieces and leave me by the roadside!

I also find it interesting that when *I* said that I thought most
men enjoyed empty physical encounters that .0 turned it around
and had the *woman* propositioning  the man!  .0, I would just like
you to know that I have never propositioned a man (as far as initial
contact with the person goes), in my life and I'm almost 41 yrs. old.

I don't even know why I feel the need to make .0 realize that I'm
not a tramp, but I seem to.  Probably an affect from having grown
up under the double standard.  Nice girls don't.  Or they at least
wait and let the guys do the propositioning.

I wasn't even really talking about one night stands.  What I was talking
about is that I think that most men have sex with a lot of women they
don't particularly care about, although sometimes they pretend they
do for a couple of weeks.  They put a thin veneer of romance over it,
date a woman for a month or so, have sex with her a few times, and
move on.  I consider that an empty encounter and men do it all the
time and seem to enjoy it.  At least that's been my experience.

However, if you don't feel it applies to you then why take offense?

Lorna

    Nope. F, 25, single.  
    
    The short term pleasure ain't worth the long term risk.  
    
    Now, if it were more than one date, quite possibly yes.
    
    

Re .19, I know he didn't specify, but the point is that initially I said 
that I thought most men enjoyed empty physical encounters.  That is
not the same thing as saying that if a strange woman walked up to
a man on the street and propositioned him that he would say, Yes!

I don't think most men would say yes to a strange woman who walked
up to them on the street and propositioned them because the
situation is too weird.  That's not the way we normally arrange
our sexual encounters.

Lorna

If a man came up to me and asked me to have sex with him, and if I was 
in the mood and felt the "go" feelings, then, yes, I'd do it.   (Keep 
in mind that I am also the type of person who has said no to great-
looking guys because I was hungry and would rather have eaten dinner.)

I'm single, male, and 29 years-old.


							--Gerry

    
    	I hate to add more to this "everybody behaves like we learned in
    	Sunday School" string but I'll add my stats...
    
    	No. Male. 25.
    
    	This comes from personal experience from having learned what
    	personally works for me (like preferring a monogamous relationship). 
    	I do not do either of the two because local Puritan norms dictated 
    	it to me. I know many people who prefer non-monogamous relationships
    	and who truly enjoy sexual encounters without the dating game, etc. 
    	This personally works best for them and even if they are only 1 in 
    	200 (which has not been my experience), what's the point? 
    
    	Not everybody approaches sexuality and relationships the same way.
    	Nor should they. Different things work for different people. So
    	what's the point here? Curious...
    
    	-Erik
             

    Yes, and I'd go get condoms, too. Male, age 38. 
    
    Why not, if I don't have a commitment to someone else? It might be
    the opening opportunity for a great relationship.
    
    Human relationships are endlessly variable. Trying to follow a strict
    set of behavioral rules won't make a great relationship happen; it may
    simply deny the possiblity of one happening. I've had good
    relationships that started off with sex on the first date.
    
    -roger
    

    female, straight, no way at any age, even before I was married, even in
    my hoyden youth
    
    Get a grip - who's in charge, you or your gonads?

    re: 27  Who's in charge?
    
    I am. 
    
    Doesn't mean that I can't enjoy my sexuality.
    
    -roger
    

    
    > Get a grip - who's in charge, you or your gonads?
    
    	Oh, wonderful job of avoiding judgement there. I can see others 
    	equally judging you with "Get a grip - who's in charge, you or
    	your repressive upbringing?" or "Who's in charge, you or society?"
    
    	Some people think any sex at all is disgusting, some people think 
    	sex is as enjoyable and non-committing as a simple back massage,
    	others think sex is good but demands marriage, and there's a whole 
    	bunch of people in between. 
    
    	Lay off the judgement, *both* ways. Do what works for YOU and quit
    	judging what works for others. Thank you...
    
    	-Erik
                 

    If I wasn't in a serious relationship... and this was before aids...
    the answer would be YES, but on my terms.  I don't know her so I can't
    completely trust her.  But I'm a Scorpio and we thrive on good sex!
    
    Male, 34.
    				-dwight
    
    
    Any to those who judge me... I'll just use these same old, worn out,
    tiresome, stupid phrases that you'd probably use....
    
                 "Get a life!  Get a grip!  Get a clue!"
    
           How ____ing original....  how cool....  yeah, right.

    to .3
    Great!
    If there were more human beings like you it would be a lot less
    problems around... free sex these days, with so many dangers seems to me
    like  "free suicide".

    Have I, yup. Will I, probably....... have to feel it out at the time
    of offering....
    
    37 s/w/m
    

    Sure.
    
    Have I?  Nope.  Would I?  I think so.  Depends on the situation.
    
    If I were not in a serious relationship with someone, and if we took 
    the proper safety/health precautions, I think it could be great.
    
    But I too like the 'first date' analogy better.  If a woman came up
    to me out of the blue, I'd have at least a moment of "Wait -- what's
    going on here?"  :-)
    
    
      Scott -- male, straight, 27, single

    No, sort of.   Well... maybe.   Male - Single - 35 years old
    
    I honestly couldn't say how I would react until the person/situation
    presented itself to me.  My first inclination would be to say no, due
    to prospect of contracting diseases.   Also, in such an encounter,
    it is unlikely there would be a spark of closeness/caring.  If there
    weren't that spark, I would say no.   If there were, then maybe I 
    would go for it.  It's hard to say.
    
    By the way, thank you for entering this topic.  I think the results
    here may surprise women (and even a lot of men) who believe that most 
    men go after "empty" physical experiences (whatever that means). 
    
    Paul
                                                                    

    unmarried white female 27
    
    on a first date - like a shot.
    
    random gorgeous stranger - not without an introduction, thanks.
    
    lee

    .24 + .29 
    ...great replies. I was just waiting for people starting to reproach
    their answers to each other. Why intelligent, nice people always start
    thinking they hold the only clue to the secrets of a fulfilled life
    when it comes to subjects as this one is something I could never
    fathom...
    
    additional info to my reply in .12:
    
    The girls made their own survey, but had to give it up quite fast
    because it became downright dangerous to them... almost 90% of the young
    lads they asked were all for it, and they'd settled down to business then
    and there. 
    
    I think most men would go for a physical experience. It's somehow part
    of our genetic programm to spread our genes as widely as possible. I
    think that whoever says "no! and I NEVER EVER would have done it!" is
    not being honest...
    
    My "no" is based on my personal experience, on knowing that having sex
    without caring for the other person always made me feel sick (I can
    recall vomiting for half of the next morning...). Now I know it doesn't
    work for me, and I'd say "let's take some time..", but I know I'd have
    to fight to keep my principles up, for the ape in me would be yelling
    "yeah, yeah, go for it!".
    
    Right now I'm in a situation that is the perfect fertile soil in order
    to fall for misconceived physical attraction. I've given up a long-time
    relationship, and I have a woman who is being a very close friend to me
    in this difficult time. Last week, we had been talking and drinking
    some good wine and listening to music in my flat, and when it got
    later, and your defense starts to drop, I felt the urge to kiss her.
    She said: "Listen, Paul, you know I'm in love with you, and I'd go
    wherever you take me. But if YOU don't love me, you'd be just
    destroying a wonderful chance we have for the future, for tomorrow you
    couldn't look into my eyes...Please, THINK!"... She knows me quite well,
    and she was wise. So I told her to please leave me alone, for even
    though I care for her a lot more than just for a friend, I know it's
    still not enough to avoid making me feel guilty for having used her as
    "sexual therapy" for one night. It'd represent destroying our
    friendship, too...
    
    As you can see, it's easy even for someone with principles to get very
    close to the edge were he could just forget them. Situations develop
    their own dynamic, and you can't tell how you'd react...
    
    I'd say "no" to sex on the first date, for I know I'm a romantic
    featherhead that mixes up love, physical attraction and liking when
    I'm in the "right" mood. But it takes two, and it takes being open and
    saying what and why you want, in order to try to avoid making some
    irreparable mistake at the start of a relationship. 
    
    But that's MY clue. And I'll never say it's the only one. It just works
    for me.
    
    ...Paul

Male, 40 and married.

This has happened to me in past.  And I have said "Yes" then.  Ofcourse
they were pretty women.
    
girish

    no,male,36
    
    

    Lorna,
    
          I cannot possibly see how the base note could be construed as a
    personal attack on you, believe me it wasn't.  I made it as neutral as
    possible, please reread it.  Sorry if you were offended, but if you were 
    it was by yourself, not by the base note.
    
    
    Peace,
    
    Mike

>    ... free sex these days, with so many dangers seems to me
>    like  "free suicide".

Oh, pul-lease, Louise.  Stop the violin music.

Choose sex acts that don't transmit HIV (yes, there are some good ones 
left), or put a rubber on it.  It's that simple.


							--Ger

    male, 47
    
    Some time ago a similar situation happened to me. I was approached by a 
    female co-worker who suggested we engage in recreational sex. No
    strings attached. We could get together whenever both parties were free.
    No hard feelings if one party had to say no. No explanations were
    required. 
    
    I am not the kind of person to have sex with someone I had just met.. in 
    a bar, for example. But I knew this woman. We had often engaged in the   
    usual humorous banter (with no sexual over tones) that takes place in the
    office. While I recognized there were several risks in "fooling around" with
    someone who really was a stranger, I said YES! I guess we got together
    about once every two or three weeks. This situation lasted about
    nine months at which time I changed jobs and geographic area. While it
    lasted ..WE had a GREAT time.
    
    I often think fondly of the lady and the situation. I must say that over
    that period of time we (I) had grown quite close (I think that's called
    bonding) and even skipped the sex once or twice (my suggestion not
    hers) and just did something more typical of a date. Under similar
    circumstances, (no strings, someone I knew and liked) I would do the
    same thing. Why not?
    
    
    Bob
     

    
    
    
    
       Female, 19.
    
       I've done it before, and it wasn't a bad experience, BUT
    I would never do it again.... Why? Because I have found sex
    to be alot better when you're in love with the person. My opinion,
    of course. It's better, I think because I feel so comfortable with
    my boyfriend. He feels the same. Another reason I wouldn't do
    it now is because of disease. What I liked about it, was the
    spontaniety of the encounter. Still, I wouldn't do it again.
    
    
    
                  -Jennifer

    Male, 45
    
    You bet.
    

    
    
    If he was *REALY* good looking, and waved a condom at me, then most
    definately.  
    
    Ian.

    		    male	     female
    --------------------------------------------|
    yes		|      13	|       2       |
    --------------------------------------------|
    no		|      10	|       5       |
    --------------------------------------------|
    undecided	|	2	|       0       |
    --------------------------------------------|

    re .42, Mike, *sigh* I can't see how the base note could be construed
    as a personal attack against me either!  That's probably why I never
    said it was.  What are you talking about?
    
    I did, however, make the comment that inspired you to start the
    basenote because you took exception to what I had said.  It's obvious
    to me me that you and I see many things differently and the tone of
    your note caused me to feel that I wanted explain myself a little
    better, but I never once felt that I had been personally attacked.  
    
    Only now I have no idea why you thought that I thought that you had!
    
    Oh, well....
    
    Lorna
    

    re .44, the only problem, for me, in that type of situation, is that
    after awhile I would either fall in love or lose interest in the sex
    because I hadn't fallen in love.  It would become pointless after
    awhile.  In fact, I find myself wondering if the experience was as
    fulfilling for her as it was for you.  I find myself wondering if she
    was in love with you.  Maybe she was and was heartbroken when you
    switched jobs.
    
    Lorna
    

    male, 37
    
    No way no how.
    
    		Alfred

    
    	I think a far more interesting statistc rather than just "No,
    	never" or "Yes, often" is the much more intriguing question...
    
    			WHY???
    
    	-Erik 

    Lorna,
    
          I guess it was you saying the following:
    
    "I also find it interesting that when *I* said that I thought most men
    enjoyed empty physical encounters that .0 (I guess meaning me :'))
    turned it around and had the *woman* propositioning the man!  .0, I
    would just like you to know that I have never propositioned a man (as
    far as initial contact with the person goes), in my life and I am
    almost 40 years old.
    
    I don't even know why I feel the need to make .0 feel that I'm not a
    tramp, but I seem to."
    
    
    I'd say that this gave me a slight indication that you thought I was
    attacking you.  What I was trying to do was to do a survey of mennotes
    noters to see if we achieved similar results as you cited in the
    survey.
    
    Peace,
    
    Mike

re Mike W., oh, no, I hadn't taken it as a personal attack, I was
just trying to explain my feelings.

re Mike Z., but I was replying to the guy in .44 who had written
about the relationship he had once with a co-worker.  That wasn't
a 1-night stand.

re .0, the way the basenote is stated I would have to say, No.
If a strange man walked up to me somewhere and propositioned
me I would either think he was some kind of a wise-*ss or I'd
be afraid he was a murderer or something.

Even 1-night stands don't usually happen like that!  They're
usually the result of two people spending *some* time together
talking for awhile first, and then sort of spontaneously 
deciding to spend the night together.

I think the first date scenario is a better question, too.

Lorna

    
    
    
    
    
    Female, married, 42.  No. 
    
    Re .48:
    
    		Male	    %		Female         %
    
    Yes		 13	   52		  2           25
    
    No           10        40             6           75
    
    Undecided     2         8             0            0
    
      Total      25       100             8          100
    
    
    Did I mention I'm taking Intro to Statistics?  Actually it's taken me
    so far, but I'm working at it.
    
    :)
    
    aq
    
    

"Given that true intellectual and emotional compatibiltity are at the very least
difficult, if not impossible to come by, we could always opt for the more 
*temporal* gratification of sheer physical attraction...

"That wouldn't make you a *shallow* person.

"Would it ?"


--- Lyle Lovett, "Here I Am" 1989 :-)

    If I were single:
    
    No / male / 43
    
    Mike

    No.  No.  No.
    
    I don't think so.
    
    Seriously, if I just want physical satisfaction, I can....well, er,
    impair my eyesight.
    
    female, 3(gulp)3, single. 

    
>    			WHY???

Because, if I'm in the mood, safe, and not "using" anyone, it is
exciting, it is fun, and it feels good. 
    

							--Ger

    --Ger
    
    for most women, because they'd risk being regarded as 'sluts'.
    
    BJ

    why not? Has happend, might happen again.
    
    Btw, could be the beginning of a exiting relationship.
    
    (Male, 45)
    
    Heinrich
    (who does not express relationships in numbers (such as shoe-size and
    other performance date (hi...mike)))  :-)

>  Btw, could be the beginning of a exiting relationship.

Freudian slip ? :-)

    
    
    female, 25
    
    no, my boyfriend would kill me!
    
    

    Hi Mike:
    
    Female (as you know), 28 yo.
    
    If a man came up to me and proposed sex, I'd slug him and pray he
    learned his lesson.  Then, being the queen of the sarcastic one-liners
    that I *am*, I'd muster a scathing comment, I'm sure.
    
    Tammi

    
    Walked away from more than I've ever had, depends
    on the situation at hand.  Before I answered either
    way, I'd look around for Alan Funt, and his Candid
    Camera crew though...
    
    -sj
    

    RE: Tammi.  And if I were the guy I'd say something like, "Does that
    mean no?":')
    
    
    
    Peace,
    
    Mike

    
    
    Greg, 34, single, gay
    
    If he was "my type", and I was currently not involved with someone,
    very probably -- it'd depend on my mood and how much time I had and
    where we were, etc.
    
    

    re .50
    Our was a relationship that grew beyond just sex. I don't think she was
    in love with me or I with her but clearly the relationship was still
    growing and were circumstances different....who knows? As I said I
    often think fondly of the lady...and wonder what her current
    circumstances might be. Ever wish you could turn back time??

    If a man came up to me, to whom I were attracted, if I were single and
    in the mood, I would probably say yes.  IN my younger days that is,
    when I tended not to think too much about these things.  The basenotes
    says nothing about him having to be a stranger, simply that there would
    be no strings attached.
    
    As a matter of fact I had a relationship of this nature many years ago.
    Unfortunately, the man became a bit too attached, and began reading
    "love" into the relationship where it did not exist.
    
    Married (happily) female 39
    

> If a very attractive person of the gender which you are attracted to came up
> to you and proposed sex with no strings attached, [what] would be your
> response?

This is clearly an over simplified scenario, rife with the potential for
misunderstanding and misinterpretation. Reading into it what I want to read
(as most people have done) I'll say:

   I'm attracted to people not genders. If someone I was attracted to came up
   and proposed sex "no strings attached" I might well say yes. If I were single,
   it would be even more likely. If it were "strings attached" it would be even
   more likely, depending on the strings. (For example *I* would want to "lay
   some ground rules" if that's "strings attached" then I would want to attach
   some strings. If I couldn't talk about these "strings" with the person I
   would NOT have sex with them. Things like STDs, pregnancy, my relationship
   with them, and so on.)

> Also please state whether you are a male or female and your age.

Male. 33.

I was going to put in a long diatribe about hidden agendas and the dangers of
self-selected sample populations in sociological surveys, but the hell with it.

	-- Charles

	Male - married (2 yrs) - 28   It would be conditional

	I would probably say yes, but make sure there was at least
	a little time to assess the situation. There is always time
	to back out.

	When I was single, I was interested in meeting women and
	getting to know them. A woman who would make such an approach
	has an individual personality like everyone else and it's worth
	spending a little time to explore. Especially since I was not
	good at introducing myself to women. Back then, I would not
	condemn or judge, but be careful and enjoy life. Today, if I
	were not happily married I would do the same.

	BTW- I had an experience that doesn't exactly fit this scenario.
	I went with friends and friends of friends skiing for the weekend.
	A woman I had not previusly met approached me as soon as I arrived
	at the condo. She didn't suggest we have sex, but started a
	conversation that ended in bed a few hours (and yes drinks) later.
	I was very impressed by her. Not so much physically, but emotionally,
	intellectually. Anyway, about 2.5 years later, we got married. And
	this year our son had his first birthday. He is THE most wonderful
	thing that has ever happened to me and I sure would hate to have
	missed out on it.

	re .69: Yes, sometimes. But only cuase its goin' by tooooo fast!

    
    I am a man, 38, single for 8 years. 
    
    Not enough data... I agree with Charles in that its a people
    attraction, not a biological reaction..
    
    Its one thing to appreciate an attractive female, but another to
    put oneself into the vulnerable position of a physical connection..
    

I don't think 'no strings attached' should be a condition of the question, as
there's no way of telling this intuitively. I've been told that in most one 
night stands, one of the partners was hoping that it wouldn't be a one night
stand. "Fatal Attraction Syndrome".

    re .60, I gotta admit, those are pretty convincing reasons. :-)
    
    Lorna
    

        No  !    Physical  feeling  just  isn't  enough  without  the
        emotional feelings to  go  with it.  Both go hand in hand and
        one without the other, just doesn't cut it in my book.
        
        Matt 
        (Male, 27 and single)

    
    NO!  (I know a few people who would though!)
    
    Female/22/married
    

    No not with all the stuff (STD's) goin' round. I agree it is a nice
    fantasy. As a matter of fact, that sorta happened to me last summer in
    France. When a good looking female in my group laid a lip lock on me in
    a crowded French bar, I just stood there, emotionless. Getting no
    response from me she went over and sat upon someone elses lap and
    kissed them. A friend of mine not in the group, remarked at how
    emotionless I was. Look up slut in the dictionary...her picture
    
    
    42, male, married

    This makes for great reading...
    
    Have in the past, would not today, fantasize about it in the future
    
    Tom 
    30/male/married
    
                                   

      YES...DEFINATELLY...YES
    
    
      Colin..
     27/male/married
    
                     a standing d**k has no worries
    
             

    Male, 33 married.
    
    No !!
    Maybe ! If it was 10 years ago when all this type of stuff
    was not going on (I mean STD) I am scared and I believe in safe
    sex now. 
    
    JM 
                      

    Just an observation:
    
    Isn't it interesting how society finally allows advertising of
    contraceptive devices on radio and television, yet as a whole,
    this nation is still ignorant of what sexually transmitted
    diseases are, how they are contracted, and how they are NOT
    contracted.
    
       - Larry 

    I know I would at least have to know the person for a "no-strings"
    attached encounter, and protect myself........I'd hate to catch my
    death.
    
    28 - separated - female.
    
    -Lynn
    

    I would definitely podger her. No questions asked.
    
    Graeme, 21.
   

   
    
    Yes. male.32yrs young![Having first put the safe sex provision in
    place]
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

    yes/male/single/young enough
    
    with safe sex, of course.
    

    RE: Safe sex:  Back when I was putting notches on my belt, I had more
    than one condom break on me.  This is one reason I don't really think
    that safe sex has much to do with it.  Fortunately these incidents only
    caused me some worry, and nothing further.
    
    Peace,
    
    Mike

In my opinion, the larger risk isn't in using condoms.   The larger
risk is in using them improperly. If you leave a bubble in one,
chances of breaking are high.  If you don't use lots of water-based
lubrication (do not use petrolium-based lubrications, like Vaseline or
Vaseline-Intensive-Care Lotion), then chances of breaking increase. 

I have used condoms many dozens of times in the past 6 years.  Several
have broken (4?).  None have broken when put on properly and when proper
lubrication was applied.  None have broken on me in the past two
years, which would include dozens of uses.  And I really do mean 0.

Also, at a safe-sex seminar, one counselor said that some people are 
using two condoms ("If you've ever had one break, you would understand 
the desire to wear two.")  

...or, you could forgo all risk by not having intercourse.

...or, you can forgo intercourse until you find someone with whom you 
want to be monogamous with (but then how do you know that both of your 
are HIV negative?).

...or, when you do couple (monogamy), you can use safer-sex techniques 
only.

...or, ....

There are lots of choices to be made.  

							--Gerry

    31, married, male
    
    In a second.  I could be dead tomorrow.  So could I be if my wife
    read this too...

Hasn't anyone considered:

1) The partner might be drunk or stoned and might really regret it in the 
   morning.

2) The partner might be trying to use you against someone else.

3) The partner might be trying to get into your house to nick your stuff.

4) Fatal Attraction.

    re .94
    
    "Regret" is the point. In the heat of the night, one tends to think
    nothing could be as desirable as ending up in bed together. But it's
    amazing how the world has changed the nest morning. Unfortunately, I
    had my share of one-night affairs, and it still makes me feel uneasy
    when I recall how sick I felt the next morning, and how some good
    friendships broke appart...
    Doesn't this happen to anyone else, I ask myself? Hasn't anyone
    experienced that your animal instinct causes you to rush things and
    regret it most bitterly afterwards?
    ...Paul

    
    Re .89
    
    You don't say, Sean......
    ;-)
    Good to see you in here....
    
    'gail
    

    re 515.94
    
1) The partner might be drunk or stoned and might really regret it in the 
   morning.

    If the other person is somewhat drunk or whatever, I try to be
    polite and protective, and don't take advantage of the situation.
    The person usually respects me more in the morning for it.  And
    I respect myself more for it also.  Once the person is sober.....
    
2) The partner might be trying to use you against someone else.

    If it is a no-strings attached deal (for me), then I don't really care.
    That is the partner's problem.
    
3) The partner might be trying to get into your house to nick your stuff.

    Fortunately, I have nothing of value to nick.  Unless the partner
    happens to like comic books.
    
4) Fatal Attraction.
    
    Never saw the movie.  My loss (one less thing to be paranoid about.)
    

    RE; 2 condoms-Mike, alls you have to do is wear 3 all the time, then
    when you are going to have sex take one off, hence you feel like a
    wildman. :')
    
    
    Peace,
    
    Mike

RE: .95
|    Doesn't this happen to anyone else, I ask myself? Hasn't anyone
|    experienced that your animal instinct causes you to rush things and
|    regret it most bitterly afterwards?
        
        Yes it does happen.  I lost  my  best `female' friend back in
        1983 from it.  We had both been  drinking and as things went,
        we ended up in bed.  Two days later, she started to avoid me.
        Just a little more than a month after that, she moved to  San
        Diego.  (Which  was  completely  unplanned as far as I knew.)
        Haven't heard from her  since,  and  let me tell you, I still
        miss her very much.
        
        What seems right at one  moment,  may  be  totally  wrong the
        next.  It's really hard to tell exactly what the situation is
        sometimes.  I've also been in the situation of being asked to
        dance by a woman just so she could  make her husband a little
        jealous.  Yeah, an innocent dance almost lost me my face !
        
        Matt

>    RE; 2 condoms-Mike, alls you have to do is wear 3 all the time, then
>    when you are going to have sex take one off, hence you feel like a
>    wildman. :')

Ha!  Very good.   Nineties version of "Walk on the Wild Side," eh?
    
							--Ger

>    But it's
>    amazing how the world has changed the nest morning. Unfortunately, I
>    had my share of one-night affairs, and it still makes me feel uneasy
>    when I recall how sick I felt the next morning, and how some good
>    friendships broke appart...

I'm a bit startled at how much I can't relate to this line of 
thinking, and I'm wondering why.  I have had a substantial number of 
"one-night stands," and, although there are no "warm fuzzies" that you 
get after sex with someone you care about, I have almost never felt 
"sick" the next morning.  In fact, I can remember more than a few 
times feeling really good about myself and the world.  And I've made a 
few very close friends because of a one night stand or mini-affair or 
pick-up in a bar.

Please note that I'm not denying that there is an element of unsafety 
or that there is a chance that you are going to feel like "Oy!  Why 
did I _do_ that?"  All I'm trying to point out is that there are a 
gammut of feelings and reactions and fall-out situations that come
from instant pick-ups and one-night stands.  I think that it is
unrealistic to paint it as an activity that always makes one feel sick
the next morning and always breaks up good friendships.  (I've had
instances in which I've slept with friends and grown closer, I've had
instances in which it didn't really make a dent in the relationship,
and I've had instances in which it has put a damper on the
friendship.) 

As someone who is watching my 20's come to a close this year, and as 
someone who has spent an incredible amount of time examining my 
sex/love life, I think that there is a warning that we could be giving 
to young people about sex that we aren't doing.  There is a trap that 
I fell into, and it was very hard to find ones way out of it.  Here's 
the trap: I felt driven to be closer to people, the sex felt good, 
precautions can protect me from disease, and I don't feel "sick" about 
it the next morning, so why shouldn't I keep doing it?

Well, the under-publicized fact (and there are probably more) is that 
there is what I would call a "cumulative effect" of limiting ones sex 
life to one-night stands.  In the beginning, it was fun and 
adventurous.  In the past few years, despite momentary good feelings, 
it has felt desperate and driven.  I think that I made a switch from 
"trying" one-night stands to "living" on them.  And that's like trying 
to live on an emotional diet exclusively comprised of potato chips.  

I think there is a danger of moralizing and over-generalizing in this 
area (as we do in the topic of "drugs" as well).  The danger is that 
smart-yet-inexperienced kids like me will find out that you are lying 
when you say, "One night stands are icky and bad; they will ruin 
friendships and make you feel sick the next morning."  After a few of 
them, I noticed that the lines my parents fed me were bull, so I 
mistakenly flip-flopped toward a "It's completely okay" position.

I think the harder job of parents (and all of us in society) is to be
more honest about the gammut of things that can come out of one-night
stands. That way, kids can make well-informed decisions.   They won't 
be confused when they make a friend from a one-night stand, or when a 
one-night stand feels good.  It is important to try to get across the 
bigger picture, the long-term scenario.  I'm not saying ignore the 
short-term problems of danger, pregnancy, and disease; I'm just saying 
tell the truth about the pleasure involved, too.

There is a movie out called "Goodfellas."  I think that it is getting 
good reviews for a lot of reasons.  However, one remarkable thing 
about the film is that it manages to be an anti-mob movie that 
honestly portrays the fun of killing and lawlessness.  That's what 
makes it more bone-chilling than many mob movies.  It isn't 
simplistic moralizing; it's closer to raw truth.

I think that for our sake and for our kid's sake, we need to get 
closer to the raw truth when it comes to sex and one-night stands.
If you try to lie about it by omitting the pleasure and excitement and 
the possibility of making friends, they'll smell that lie like a fart 
in a car.  And they might hurt themselves when they rebell against the 
lie.  That's what I think happened to me.

							--Gerry

    [the lurker pokes his head out for a sec...]
    
    Re: .-1
    
    Extremely well put, Gerry!  I agree 100% that when we discuss the
    merits/risks of one night stands we need to take into account the
    big picture.  Unfortunately, doing so requires a fair amount of
    discussion to cover all the bases and get all the nuances across.
    When the subject is sex, though, people in general have a hard time
    just bringing themselves to talk about it; hence, they generally
    just tumble the words "It's bad for you; don't do it" out of their
    mouths and leave it at that.
    
    Re: a couple back:
    
    I've had my "spontaneous" moments in life too, and I can only
    recall two occasions when I felt Really Sh*tty the next morning.
    The first one was when I had a date with a woman I'd met via
    e-mail.  When we met, I found her quite pleasant to be with, but
    I also found her physically unattractive.  Nevertheless, as the
    evening progressed and one thing led to another, I decided not to
    back out because I hadn't had any sex for a year and was looking
    forward to some dry times as well.  Felt REALLY bad the next
    morning.  Total brain-lock.  Learned my lesson, though: Don't
    take it if you don't want it just because it's offered to you!
    [more on this in a moment]
    
    The second time I felt kinda bad in the morning was an occasion
    with a good friend of mine where, again, one thing led to
    another.  In this case, I felt bad the next morning because I
    wasn't sure she had really wanted to do it (long story).  Well,
    she didn't avoid me (like what happened to a previous noter), and
    we're still great friends today.
    
    Re: a couple more back....
    
    I've actually heard that using two condoms is less safe than
    using one... when two layers of latex rub up against each other
    like that they can weaken each other, and blammo!  Personally,
    I've used condoms ever since I've been sexually active, and
    I've had a 100% success rate... and I think that's because I've
    read the documentation beforehand (e.g. "Our Bodies, Ourselves".
    Yeah, it's a woman's book, but I think men need to read it too!
    Its discussion of condoms was quite complete).
    
    Re: .0
    
    Didn't think I'd get to it, did you?  Well, my answer would be
    "it depends".  Basically, I'd size up the situation; does she
    seem real, or is she just playing head-games?  Am I attracted
    to her?  Do I really want it now?  After the experience I
    described above, I tend to be quite careful about confirming
    to myself that I really DO want a particular encounter before
    I plunge ahead.  But if all indicators are go, then I probably
    would go for it (making a stop at the drugstore on the way,
    natch!).
    
    Vital stats:  male/28/married(but not dead...)
    
    --jim
    

    
    Re .95
    
    Yes, though only once really - but also....
    I remember with great affection the times that a good friend and I
    have been in one of those situations where we could have got
    into bed - and chose not to.
    
    At the time it can cause a little strain, but the next day we've
    both *invariably* been happy with the choice we made.
    It can be a truly loving choice....
    'gail
    

    re. 102
    
    Gerry,

    I perfectly accept that different people have different approaches for
    a fulfilled sexual life, I am not aware of having started a "ban one
    night stands" campaign. I know that many people enjoy them, but I
    happen to have made different experiences. And I don't like my
    experiences being labelled as "lies". 
    My key to fulfillment is different then yours, and I'm not trying to
    tell anybody that my approach is THE correct one. I just raised the
    question if someone had made similar experiences to mine. I was not
    valuing whether this is "correct" and that is "wrong", those have never
    been the categories I think in.
    In fact, I wouldn't want to miss any of my exeriences, for they have
    made me what I am, and have helped me in finding what works for me,
    what type of relationship I feel real and fulfilled in. Besides, I bet
    if I hadn't made them I'd have the feeling I was missing something, as
    happens to quite some guy I know.
    During my wilder days, I just went on sampling out of anatomical
    interests, detestable as it is, and sometimes I enjoyed it, more often
    than not I didn't. Normally, I felt bad because I hurt a girl that
    thought it would be the start of a significant relationship.
    Interestingly, if she happened to show my own attitude and told me
    "hey, it's summertime, you're nice, and thankee for the memory", my
    pride was hurt and I felt even worse, somehow feeling used and my ego
    being cracked by the fact that, even though the girl witnessed a
    memorable performance, she could endure to go on living without me...
    Time moved on, and then I just slithered into one or the other affair
    in the heat of the night. Sometimes with a stranger, sometimes with a
    woman I was a good friend with. Sometimes it was the wine and the
    atmosphere, sometimes it was mistaking the intimacy of friendship and
    momentary attraction for love, and the prospect of avoiding a lonely
    night, that lead to the bedroom. 
    I had changed, and this wasn't what I wanted or needed. It just made me
    feel sick to know that I had shared my intimacy with someone who was
    not close to me, or didn't want to be close to me the next day. I swear
    I became physically sick at time, sort of a "one night
    stand-hangover"...
    I lost friends, I spent mornings with persons that were either looking
    at the floor or reproachfully at me, trying to talk but knowing that
    words were wasted, and figuring out how I could weasel my way out of
    the situation.
    Now I know I want to FEEL something for the other person, I want to
    feel close, I want to be fighting, being nice, witty and gentlemany for
    more than one evening. I want to root for that night and be in a
    desperate sweat before I get my way. I need a tender and caring
    atmosphere. It must not be the love of my life, mind you, but we must
    share more than the urge to avoid a lonesome night. There have been
    situations where I nearly fell into it again lately, and the next
    morning I (and the particular person) only could say "phheeeew, that
    was a close call!". 
    That's what works for ME.  
    But it don't need to be good for someone else. I would never play
    preacher and tell people what's right and what's wrong. I'd just tell
    them to try and find out. And I wouldn't accuse somebody of spreading
    lies when he shares his personal experiences with me. I'd say "oh,
    that's interesting and different to what I feel", but not "hey, quit
    lying, I know better!". I can't fathom what I'd win with lying here...
    it's my approach, and it's just as valid as yours. 
    Again, I wasn't moralizing (I've never done), just saying what I have
    experienced. The day I have kids, I'll bloody well tell them to find
    out what works out for themselves, by trying out. And I'll let my
    kids use my waterbed, too, if there's some demand, unlike my father,
    who was an egoist in that respect!
    ...Paul

    
>    Yes, though only once really - but also....
>    I remember with great affection the times that a good friend and I
>    have been in one of those situations where we could have got
>    into bed - and chose not to.

Don't you kinda know at the moment?  The times that I've damaged 
friendships with sex have happened when I ignored the little voice 
inside of me, "This isn't a good i-DE-aaaa!"  It usually doesn't feel 
right going into it.  And then I can make the choice not to go ahead 
with it.  

At least, that has been my experience.


							--Ger

RE .104

Thanks for that entry, Paul.  I learned a lot, and related to a lot of 
what you said.

I apologize if I implied that I thought you were moralizing.  It was 
much clearer what you were talking about in .104, and I really 
appreciate you entering it.

I guess it always comes back to "Know Thyself."  I think that you and 
I both came around to, "Well, I know what I've been told, and I know 
what I've been trying to do, but what really feels right to me."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like we both came around (came 
"back"?) to what we needed according to who we are.  It was a long 
journey for me, and it sounds like it took a while for you, too.

Welcome home.


							--Ger

    Male/Straight/Definatly with a condom!
    
    Ian.

    Male/Single/ 24.......yes but not without a jiffy
    
    
    
    
    Stav.

    
    
    Female, Single, 25
    
    Most likely not.  I've found in my sordid little life that the people
    I've been propositioned by were more interested in pleasing themselves
    instead of the me.  I feel sex is about sharing and giving, not taking
    and getting.
    
    If all they want is self-gratification, they can do that themselves...
    After all, what fun is sex is you're not giving all you have to the
    other person?
    
    kath
    
    

     yes i totally agree with you kath...
     when will we meet.. ;-) hehehe
    
    
    
    
                                         Colin...

    Who says I was just interested in self gratification?
    
    Ian.

     who says you where even interested Ian....
    
    
    
     Colin..

    
    
    
    Gosh, how come I never get this kind of attention all the time?????
    
    I could live with it!
    
    8-)
    
    kath

    Male/straight/44.  Not anymore.
    
    Giving, caring, sharing are alright, in fact, great, but sooner or
    later you have to get out of the sack.  Many of the women I've met
    seemed to think that "the event" was enough to cause me to change
    my existence evermore.  It ain't worth it.
    
    ed
    

Male/age:33/Married (13 years)

Answer:  "No thanks, I'm trying to cut down"

    Female/23/single not at the moment....
    
    
    But then again I believe in making love (and feel the same things as
    cath expressed)....not SEX....for me ....it's ok for those who wish to!
    
    
    Tracie.

    I had more women in the sack than i`ve smoked fags.(And i smoke 60 fags
    a day).
    
    Captain Headcase
    

    Female/20/single if you want me to be
    
    I dont beleive in people sleeping around because sex is supposed to 
    be for two people who love each other and want to express their
    feelings.
    
    lucky
    

    Male/23/Single
    
    That's not what you told me the other night, Mrs. Headcase.

    RE: 120
    
    What did i tell you the other night !!!!
    
    Ex-Captain Headcase's Wife

    You said if someone invited you back for coffee you'd say no, but if
    they said "will you have sex with me" you'd say yes.
    
    

    RE:122
    
    I think that Murphy has got a bit confused it should of said,( coming
    from the lion's mouth).  If someone invited murphy back for a coffee 
    he would say no, but if the asked him to have sex with them he would of
    said yes, i close my case.
    
    lucky