Conference quark::mennotes-v1

I wouldn't worry too much about it.  They'll find out soon enough if they're
compatible.  I don't think that age difference alone should be used to
judge relationships.  By and large, though, a significant age gap, especially
when one of the two is as young as your friend is, can work against
compatibility.  In an arrangement such as you describe, it often degenerates
into a "father-daughter" type of relationship.  Whether or not that's what
the couple wants is not really for you to say.

Just give your friend your support, and don't push her on it, or she may
dig in her heels even harder.

				Steve

    I didn't mean that I was having trouble dealing with it, really,
    I just wanted to know what everyone else thought about it.  I am
    so used to my friend going her own way that I rarely say anything
    to her about it.  I *do* like this guy, and he seems very caring
    towards her (He hadn't even met me and he drove her 600 miles to
    my graduation).  I just wonder what you all think about it...
    
    KarenKay

    My guess is that the younger woman is felt to be more
    "pliable" than a woman who is closer to the man's age.
    I don't think the man "knows" this.  If you challenged
    him on it, he would deny it and point out that the young
    woman is brilliant, ambitious, beautiful, challenging
    in many ways, etc.  He would end with, "Why wouldn't
    I be attracted to her?  Furthermore, the guys her own
    age are no match for her.  She gets bored with them."
    
    I think what is going on is that the man is entranced,
    fascinated, captured, by the pliability of the youth
    of the young woman.  He can be wise, and experienced,
    a guide into the world and he can also be her lover -- 
    what he percives as a great combination.
    
    I suppose the opposite is happening for the young woman.
    She would cite the wisdom of his experience, his having
    established himself (usually overcoming great obstacles),
    his ability to be attentive to her, etc.  And she might
    end with, "Why wouldn't I be attracted to him?  The women
    his age are all bitter, dried up shrews.  He is repulsed
    by them."
    
    She is also fascinated, entranced, captured by the 
    wisdom of experience.  She can be the wonderful spark
    that ignites him, that releases his power, and call
    also be his lover -- hard to resist.
    
    The difficulty is that neither holds a truthful
    mirror for the other to look into.  A  partner 
    who is closer in age is likely to hold a more
    truthful mirror.   So the man can avoid looking
    at himself and can live in a fantasy of being the
    wise lover to this vivacious young woman.  The 
    woman can avoid looking at herself and can live 
    in the fantasy of being the youthful spark to a
    wise and powerful older man.
      
    It's great if you're into fantasy.
    
    Bill

    
    	I'm forty and single and can't imagine dating a
    	woman in her twenties.  
    
    	For me it is not a question of father/daughter
    	overtones.  Nor do I need a younger woman to
    	bolster my ego and impress others with my ability
    	to attract youthful companions.
    
    	I may have her as a casual friend, but for a companion
    	and for a relationship, I think common values and life
    	experiences must exist and, for, this someone closer to
    	my age would be desired.
    
    	It is possible that there are some women thirty or under
    	with whom I share mutual goals, values, and sensibilities,
    	but I have doubts about it.  The descriptions that younger
    	woman post in the singles conference show that, for me,
    	there isn't enough commonality to pursue a date.  I don't
    	like playing games.
    
    	I may be wrong.  It just might be that the woman in my
    	life may turn out to be twenty-four years old.  My guess,
    	though, is that she'll be thirty-five or so.
    
    
    	ralph

I'm in my early 30's and usually when I meet a woman that is in her early 20's
I can't imagine trying to persue a relationship with her after I get to know
her.  I generally find that we are at different points in our lives.  We may
have some common goals, but the time frame that we'd like to accomplish them
in will often be different.

This may not be the case with the couple in question though - everyone has
different goals at different times, and it is possible that theirs do match
up.

Rich

    There's a lot of baggage associated with age differences; some of it is
    true, some of the time, but I'd hesitate to draw conclusions about a
    specific older/younger relationship without knowing the folks involved.
    
    I take it back - there are some circumstances where I'd worry about age
    differences regardless of the individuals. Examples: When one is a
    minor and one is not (as in the recent note about the 20-mumble guy and
    the 15-year-old girl); in such cases, even without the potential legal
    problems, I'd be concerned about the dramatic difference in levels of
    development. Likewise, if both parties are under 18 and the age
    difference is more than a year or two, I'd be concerned. And maybe, if
    the difference is really extreme - I'm talking 30+ years here - I might
    harbor some cynical suspicions about motive, especially if the older
    party were exceptionally well-off. But otherwise, if both parties are
    adults, then more power to them.
    
    I'm not denying that there can be serious age-gap problems; I just
    don't see them as any more of a risk than any other interpersonal
    issues. Without knowing the couple mentioned in .0, all I can say about
    their relationship is "Good for them, and good luck."
    
    -b (who's considered dating men from fifteen years younger than myself
    to maybe twenty years older...)

    I suspect that a major barrier to a successful relationship between
    people with a wide age difference is the problem of dealing with
    disapproving friends.  Ever hear of self-fulfilling prophesies?
    
    I don't think a 10 or 12-year age difference is significant at all.
    If a born-again Christian fundamentalist 25 years younger than me
    were interested in me, I'd be much more concerned about the religious
    than the age differences.
    
    Craig

    Since no one else has said this, I feel I have to add it to this 
    discussion!  Women mature (IN ALL WAYS) earlier than men do, so for
    many women, they HAVE to date a man AT LEAST 10 years older than they
    are to find someone at the same level of maturity!  My brother is
    married to a woman 14 YEARS younger than he is, and if you ask me,
    she's much more mature than he is!   My parents attended a wedding
    recently where the bride was 21, the groom 35.  My mother said the
    bride was so mature you never would have known she was so young (and
    she has been on her own for about 6 years prior to this marriage).
    I think people are too hung up on age.  I don't think most of us
    "intend" to fall in love with someone, we just may happen to fall in
    love, and perhaps with someone who is a lot younger or older than we
    may be.  I know in cases I've seen (that ended up working) the 2 people
    have something in common, they are attracted to eachother, they're in
    love. It's that simple.  I think a lot of the so-called "friends" who
    give these people a hard time are probably jealous.
    And if the woman needs a "father" figure, then so be it.  Heaven only
    knows how many men end up with a duplicate of their moms when they get
    married!

    	I would see a greater problem in finding and maintaining interests
    that are mutual. 
    
    	I think that maturity has alot more to do with a relationship
    than does age. If a person is immature at 30, it can embarrass the
    hell out of a mature 15 year old.....
    
    Ken

Re: .9

The rates of maturity do differ between men and women, but it's risky to
generalize this the way you do.  I know 23-year-olds who seem more mature
to me than 34-year-olds I know.  But maturity is only part of the picture -
it's common interests, experiences and values.

I've personally found that I am more comfortable in relationships with women
who are a few years older than I am.  Women much younger sometimes seem like
aliens - they think in different ways and have different sets of values.
That's not to say I can't enjoy their friendship or even romance, but over
the long term, I prefer someone closer to my own age.

An eleven-year age gap is quite significant at age 19, unless the 30-year-old
really hasn't grown up yet (and I have a brother much like that).

		Steve

    AHEM!!!!!!  I *NEVER* said that I gave my friend a hard time, as
    a matter of fact, I think I expressed just the opposite...
    
    Maybe I am misinterpreting some comments, but! please realize I
    just am personally bugged by it, I have and would never say anything
    to my friend...  or any of my friends who have dated older men...
    I just wanted other opinions....
    
    KarenKay!

    RE: .11
    
    For purposes of this discussion, I did generalize, but I stand behind
    that generalization  based on my own personal experiences and
    those of my friends.   Certainly maturity does not guarantee that there
    will be common interests, common values, etc., but maturity does lend
    itself to a relationship in that it, if nothing more, gives one the
    perspectives and abilities it may take to at least understand someone
    or appreciate someone else.  I also agree that age is not the yardstick
    to determine someone's maturity level.
    I've seen many, many successful relationships which have had vast age
    differences.  I know my own brother is a high school teacher, and that
    is one reason he is very comfortable around younger people, and he has
    said time and time again that it blows him away how mature his female
    students are in comparison to his male students (works in one of the
    largest high schools in the northeast, so the student body is huge and
      diverse).  So I guess I should just say that the allure of someone's
    maturity may be part of why younger women end up seeking out older men.
    
    
    younger women do seek out men who are older.  
     

KarenKay,

From your remarks in the base note, primarily:

>                                      Not to be offensive, but *why*
>    would a 30 year old man want to date a 19 year old woman (besides
>    the titillation aspect)??  I have met the guy, and he seems really
>    nice, etc., but I still think it's weird.

I think it would be a natural conclusion that you personally found the
situation "wrong" and might be trying to convince your friend of the
error of her ways.  Good for you if you're not.


				Steve

    When I was turning thirty, I resisted in dramatic and silly fashion,
    dating a 19-year-old, hitting the (then) new wave clubs, listening
    exclusively to college radio, clinging to my pack-up-in-four-hours
    life-style of no home ownership, no clothes washer and dryer, etc. I
    don't know if it was denial or I was trying to prove something. It
    *did* seem significant, that big three-oh. Fortunately, the woman
    dumped me.
    
    Shortly afterwards I started dating my wife (we weren't yet married ^),
    who is about 6.5 years OLDER than me. The contrast in maturity was
    striking. This probably had SOMETHING to do with my wife's age, but
    I've learned from her family that she was BORN mature. By this I mean
    competent, calm, organized, thoughtful, motivated, patient, ... As a
    result of knowing my wife, my own maturity has been advancing at about
    twice the rate I'm aging; projections show I'll be as mature as my age
    before the millenium!
    
    Based on this narrow and unscientific evidence, I'd suggest that your
    friend's 30-year-old boyfriend might find her a comfort as he slides
    into old-fart-hood, but that's not a terrible indictment. I agree that
    women are generally more mature than men, and your girlfriend may well
    be more mature, but that's a help, not a difficulty. My major
    conviction is that *boys* in their twenties are pretty poor marriage
    material (with 1000's of exceptions, let me say it first) and that I
    *personally* will be secretly gloatful if my someday 19-year-old
    step-daughter gets interested in a 30-year-old guy.
    
    The downside, maybe, is that 19-year-olds get their hearts broken so
    shatteringly, and I hope that this guy isn't one of those
    ravager-of-nubile-waifs types. They're around. It's none of my beeswax,
    and probably none of yours, but I'd suggest to your friend that she
    withhold her ultimate intimacies for an extended period, for
    self-protection and to ascertain his worth. A decent fellow will behave
    decently, after all.
    
    IMHO - Hoyt

    too late for that withholding stuff- they are living together..
    
    This guy has been married and divorced once (no kids) and right
    before my friend was living with another woman.  (She was his age)
    
    I just think it's kinda strange, I'm don't think that I think it's
    wrong... if you get my drift.  I agree that it depends on the people,
    etc.  Boy, everyone has some really interesting comments, I am quite
    enjoying this...

    
        Well guess what,I am 27 years old,and I think I just met my
    soul mate and she"s got at least 13 years on me.I thought I was
    crazy at first,but we have so much in commone.Same home town,just
    a little differant in years,but not in likes or thoughts.We both
    went through the same kind of divorce also.
        So maybe it works both ways.Well,I think its O.K for the woman
    to be older than the man,infact I think its wonderful.                                           

           I'm Happy Any.

    I have two very good friends, they got married last Sept. and just
    had a baby girl a few weeks ago.  He is 38 and she is 23.
    
    In their relationship, I really notice what people are saying about 
    maturity.  She is a very mature 23, and he, a very immature 38, so their
    interests are very similar and they get along just fine.
    
    They have had a few rough spots over the past few years in dating and 
    through the wedding, but doesn't everyone have a few rough spots now
    and again.  I certainly wouldn't blame any of their quarrels on their
    age difference, but just take it in stride as part of being married.  
    

KarenKay,

  I don't think you strange for questioning this relationship.  When
I was 19 I was not mature enough for a relationship with a man so much
older than I.  I was naive without much experience and wasn't sure of
myself.  Now that I am older I feel I can offer a relationship
experience, my values and independence among other things.  

  Because I could not see myself in a relationship such as your friends
when I was 19, I have trouble believing that others can make it work.
But it does work for many.  Perhaps it will work out for your friend -
or maybe this relationship is a stepping stone in both their lives.

Lisa 

    With the age difference I thought that I would make some comparsions
    while these two love birds were growing up...This was for fun and
    not to be taken seriously.
    
    Year	She Was		Doing		He Was	Doing
    ----	-------		-----		------	-----
    1960	?????		????		Born	???
    1970	Twinkle in  			10	4th grade
    		parents eyes                            Baseball, etc..
    
    1971	1		walking		11	5th grade
    							looking at girls...
    							baseball, etc...
    
    1977	6		1st grade	17	Junior/senior
    				learning		cars,parties,sports
    				to read			GIRLS
    
    1980	9		3rd grade	20	College?
    							Responsibility?
    							Future?
    							Cars,parties,GIRLS
    
    1984	13		teenager	24	Working for
    				dances,BOYS		a living...
    
    1987	16		sweet sixteen	27	Working for
    				cars,BOYS		a living...
    
    1990	19		in love		30	in love
    
    
    They conversations should be interesting of there years growing
    up.  If their in love, what the heck, go for it.	

    I was 34, and my wife was 22 when we got married.  We have had the
    usual ins and outs of marriage, but we have been married 13 years
    now and are still happily married.  I don't think the age difference
    always matters that much as long as the people are compatible.  The
    biggest problem I see is that often we are at different stages of out
    lives.  I hit 'change of life' she is still into career growth etc.
    I do get tired of OTHER people deciding what is 'best' for a couple.
    I believe the original noter means well but should butt out and
    handle her own problems instead of the couples.  Let me ask the
    original noter a question: Who is being hurt here?  If no one is, then
    what difference does the age difference make?
    
    

    My father was 12 years older than my mother.  When they got married she
    was 27 and he was 39, and they were very happily married for 37 years
    until his death.  However, their age difference bothered *me* at times. 
    When my father was 62 he had a major heart attack and had to retire. 
    After this time, he had to slow down his life a lot, and because of
    health reasons couldn't do many of the active things he had done
    before.  I saw him become an old man before my eyes.  But, what really
    bothered me is that I also saw *my mother* become an old woman before
    my eyes.  At this time, she was only 50 and in perfect health.  But,
    she changed her life style to match his and wouldn't do anything
    without him or that he couldn't do.  I hated to see this as it made me
    feel that my mother was wasting the last vital, young, healthy yrs. of
    her life to sit around with an old, sick man, and I was powerless to do
    anything about it.  I loved my father, but I got tired of seeing my
    mother always putting his needs before her own desires, and I made up
    my mind way back then that I would never be in such a self-sacrificing
    relationship.  So, I think that the major problem in marrying people
    who are a lot older or younger than ourselves, comes when the oldest
    one begins to hit "old-age" and the other one is still young and
    healthy.  I think women are more likely to hang in there like my mother
    did, and I think men would be more likely to dump the older, now
    unattractive wife, for a younger, shinier model.  So, in the final
    analysis, I think that when people who are more than 10 yrs. apart in
    age fall in love, that it would probably be smarter, to think of it as
    a short term relationship, and just accept the fact that, sooner or
    later, age is going to get in the way.
    
    Lorna
    

    Most of the older/younger marriages that I have seen personally have
    been, by-and-large, fairly successful marriages.  Probably a higher 
    percentage have been "successful" than the "norman" marriage.
    
    My wife's mother was 19 or 20 when she married my wife's father, 35.
    They had a *very* successful marriage until his death at 72.
    One of our friends is a couple he 64, she 35.  They have been married 13
    years.
    
    I agree with .24 in that the *main* problem may come later when one 
    grows "old" before the other.  My mother-in-law has even stated that 
    the main problem has been the years alone after his death.  Yes, she
    could get married again, but she is getting older herself, and doesn't
    seem so inclined at the moment.
    
    fred();

    re:Lorna and others...
    
    The worst case I've seen is where a friend of my family's was widowed
    at 37. He had two kids when his wife died, 17 and 15. He dated and
    had short relationships until his daughter graduated from high school
    and went to college. At 41 he developed a reletionship with a friend
    of my sister. When he was 45 and she 22 they married. 
    
    He is now 55 and she is 32. 
    
    Personally, I think that this is too great a spread in age. He's
    already slowing down and she's a vibrant young woman. Bad? No. Good?
    No.....They seem happy, but I see her beginning to age with him
    much the same way that Lorna described. They were considering having
    a child last I heard because she would really like to be a mom.
    I don't know, it seems that it would be difficult.
    
    Ken

    re .23
    I would just like to clarify the fact that I have *IN NO WAY* 
    "butted in", so therefore I have no need to "butt out".
    
    When my friend wanted to move in w/this guy I said, "Are you sure
    that's the thing to do?"  or something to that effect.  She said
    that she felt it was right.  So, I shut up.  I do not try to dictate
    my friends lives, or the lives of anyone else.  I resent you assuming
    that I have been a bad friend or have, in some way, given my friend
    a hard time....
    
    re: .24-.27
    This is the kind of discussion I wanted to invoke.  
    
    grrr..
    kkay

    Ok, you seemed to take considerable exception to it and made comments
    to the effect their the relationship made you extremely uncomfortable.
    Of course the way you feel is the way you feel... nothing wrong or
    right about feelings.  I assumed (incorrectly) that you had expressed
    you feelings to her the same way you wrote in notes.
    I am a bit sensitive to this topic because my wife and I do fit into
    the older man younger woman category. I really don't like negative
    comments regarding our choice to marry.  Not that it was DIRECTED
    at us personally, but it is implied.  There was another implication
    that since their was a wide age spread and you thought he was wierd
    that he was wierd BECAUSE of the age spread interest.
    
    Am I being over sensitive? Yeah, probably.  My wife chased me down.
    It took her considerable effort to convince me that the age difference
    wasn't a problem.  What do I think now?  That there is really one
    one difference that matters due to age, and that is that each partner
    tends to be in different transition (theres' that DEC word again)
    stage than the other.  The man probably dying earlier than the woman
    is another facet of this issue because men tend to die younger than 
    women anyway.  
    
    You didn't butt in with your friend, ok I believe you.  Sorry about
    that.   Jeff

         Maybe I'm just odd, but age is never really a consideration
         factor with me, nor is race, religion, etc.

         My "selection" factor is based on attitudes, personalities,
         actions....etc.

         Yes, I've dated "older" men....quite a bit older, in fact. 
         And I've dated younger men.  I've found immaturity in both
         ranks as well as Maturity.

         I look only for someone that meshs well with me...someone
         that shares happiness in the things we do, someone who
         recognizes my need for independence as well as affection and
         security.  Someone who likes the things I like...as well as
         respects my choice to like/do things he doesn't (while I
         respect that same right in him). Someone who understands my
         muddled brain (sometimes more than I do!) and accepts that
         I'm not perfect.  Someone with honesty, integrity and the
	 ability to accept others for who and what they are.

         I guess I just can't stand on the outside looking in to
         consider the "impression" we give others, because it's really
         not important to me.  What is important is the inner workings
         between the two of us.....no matter what the age.


	 Introspectively yours... :-)

		kath

     re: .24
    
    I disagree strongly with the statement that "men are more likely to dump an
    older unattractive wife for a newer shiner model than women are to dump
    their older husbands" (or words to that effect).
    
    I would say it is the individuals involved that would determine what is
    most likely to happen when one partner gets 'old'.  If it is a genuine
    loving relationship there is no reason it shouldn't continue.  
    
    In regard to age differences in general, if it works it works.  If it
    is warm and loving it is warm and loving regardless of age.  If both
    partners are happy then fine.  Why worry them with something they
    obviously don't consider important in their relationship?
    
    		Holly
    
    PS. I admit to being cynical when there is a great disparity in age and
    a lot of money involved.  Should I happen to meet a couple which this
    applies to (it hasn't happened yet) I would keep my uninformed opinion
    to myself until I became informed.  Even then, it's not my business so
    I'd leave them to it.  (except maybe a bit of gossip with my friends,
    I'm only human!).

    re .30, Holly, I'll defend my statement that younger husbands are more
    likely to dump an older, now unattractive wife than vice-versa.  First
    of all, I said "more likely" - I did not say that all men who marry
    women ten years older or more than themselves will eventually leave
    them for younger women.  I said it was "more likely" and I believe that
    it *is* more likely.  I realize that there are some men who would be
    loyal to the end (at least to the legal marriage, even if they did have
    affairs on the side), and that there are some women who would walk away from
    an old, sick husband without a backward glance.  However, I do think
    that, overall, that more men would leave their older, sick wives for
    younger women, than vice-versa.  I think there are two major reasons
    for this.  First, I think more men would leave their wives for younger
    women, simply because they *can*!  If more older women could as readily
    find attractive younger men to run off with then more women probably
    would!  But, despite the rising increase in older woman-younger man
    romances, I still believe that it is far easier for an older man to
    attract a much younger woman - especially for *marriage* - than
    vice-versa.  I think most men still expect to marry women either
    younger than themselves, or no more than 2 or 3 yrs. older.  I also
    think that most women are raised to be more loyal and devoted to other
    individual persons, than men are.  Another reason is financial.  Most
    middle-aged men make considerably more money than most women in their
    twenties do.  But, as a 40 yr. old secretary, I know many guys in their
    early to mid-twenties who already make a lot more money than me.  So,
    older men can lure younger women with money, but not many middle-aged
    women can lure younger men with material goodies.  I did not make this
    statement to pick on men (god forbid!), but only because I really
    believe that several factors contribute to making it true.
    
    Lorna
    
    
    

    OK, this is pretty embarrassing...
    
    I went to a wedding this weekend and met a 29 year old man.  I am
    21.  I was enjoying talking to him, but I wasn't really thinking
    anything about it.  Well, we just kept talking.  and talking.  and
    talking.  For four hours.  To make a long story short, in about
    30 minutes, I had totally stopped thinking "This guy is 29, why
    is he talking to me?" and started thinking "Wow, we really have
    a lot in common, and he's really good-looking..."  I also thought
    of the irony of my situation- having just begun a sort of derogatory
    age-difference note...
    
    To get to the point, I now agree that it depends on the individuals.
     I mean, I guess I always kinda thought that intellectually, but
    I had never really seen a couple with a large age discrepancy that
    didn't seem a little weird. (IE: father/daughter relationship or
    such)
    
    HOWEVER, while at the wedding, I was talking with this man who looked
    to be about 40, maybe a little older- I didn't know him, we were
    just standing there talking.  We were talking about marriage (what
    else do you talk about at a wedding??)  He said he had just gotten
    married the year before, and that he reccomended to me that I never
    get married.  Turned out he is married to a woman I went to high
    school with who is, I believe, 24.
    
    AND, there was another couple there that was composed of an older
    man and a younger woman.  She was dressed in a very seductive outfit,
    which was quite attractive, but not appropriate for the type of
    wedding it was.  Anyway, this couple made out the entire wedding
    and reception.  It was kinda weird.
    
    So, what I am saying is that I have now, simultaneously, experienced
    both a "normal" older/younger relationship and a few "weird" ones.
    so, I am saying that it does depend on the individuals involved,
    and their respective maturity levels or common interests or
    psychological make-up, or whatever.........
    
    It was quite the ironic evening, and I hope he calls........
    
    KarenKay

>What do you think of a younger woman and an older man?  I am not
>talking a woman who is 35 and a man who is 50, I mean a woman who
>is 19 and a man who is 30.  One of my good friends, who is 19, is
    
    So whats wrong with a 50 year old man and a 19 year old woman ?
    I suppose if I said a  19 year old girls it'd sound silly, huh ?
    

>How many of you 30 and ups would consider dating or living with
>a woman 11 years younger than you??  Not to be offensive, but *why*
>would a 30 year old man want to date a 19 year old woman (besides

    Well, let me say this.  11 years apart is NOTHING!!  compared to the
    nothing some  people  have  by  trying  to  stay  within a "pre set"
    arbitrary age range.
    
>nice, etc., but I still think it's weird.
    
    What  is really wierd is the number of people who get married,  have
    babies, and get divorced ...
    
>KarenKay

    Having dated women "as much as 12 years older"  than myself, as well
    as some 15 years younger than myself ..  as well many in between ...
    I can attest to the fact that age differences is minor  compared  to
    compatibility ...
    
    Having known several relationships involving "younger  women"  (25 -
    30) and older men (45 - 60)  ..  and seeing the happiness the share,
    it makes me wonder why anyone else would  want  to  care  about  the
    differences.

    In one case that is closer to home, a 47 tear old friend married
    a 62 year  old  widower,  who, in his words, didn't want to preclude
    his wife in death (as his previous wife has done  to him) ...
    
    In several observations I have seen "younger" women driving
    cars for their "older" husbands ....
    
    
    Some for love, others for 'security', and others for ...
    
    And, this observations isn't limited to heterosexuals .. recently
    (3 - 4 months  back)  a 35 year old lesbian murdered her 52 year old
    lover in Fitchburg ....
    
    ...
    
    
    Happiness and Compatibility is where  its  at  ...    not in the age
    range ...
    
    -BobE    
    
    

Re .33:
    
>    And, this observations isn't limited to heterosexuals .. recently
>    (3 - 4 months  back)  a 35 year old lesbian murdered her 52 year old
>    lover in Fitchburg ....
>    
>    ...
>    
>    Happiness and Compatibility is where  its  at  ...    not in the age
>    range ...

    Ah, yes, happiness and compatibility! ;-) 
    
    -b

    Well,I think it was last friday that I intered this note,and now
    that the weekend is over,and having spent it with my new found compunion.
    I,m even more convinced that age don't make a diferance.It's realy
    hard to believe we have so much in commone.She is the older one though
    I don't know if that's going to make differance,but for know its
    wonderful.So we will see.                
                                                  

    What an interesting topic.  I have another side of the story, I am the
    younger woman.  Why did I marry a man 18 years older than myself?
    LOVE!!! 
    
    This man treats me with the respect and consideration no man my
    age ever did.  He opens car doors, and will still cross the room
    to light a cigerette for me.  I'm not saying I expect these things
    but it makes me feel cared for and loved.  He also dated me when
    we met all the guys my age I was meeting were saying meet me here
    and meet me there.  No one had the time to really date. 
    
    When we met (in a bar) we had a great conversation, he eventually 
    ask me out.  Then he asked me the AGE question I was 23 and he was 
    39.  Before our date came about he called in sick.  Two weeks later
    I ran into him again, we had another great conversation and then
    went out to dinner.....
    
    After many trials and tribulations we married.
    
    It's now 10 years later.  We are very happy.  The only time we
    really notice the age difference is when a difference in time and way
    of upbringing makes something hard for the other to understand.
    But that can happen when people are the same age too.
    
    As far as the children issue I already had two and could not have
    any more.  I regret that part we would have had a beauty!
    He had 3 sons.  By the way I'm a Grandmother 5 times at 34!!!
    I love it.
    
    I guess  what I'm trying to say is every case is different and 
    only the couple involved know how they feel and ultaMATEly
    it's their feeling that count.
    
    Footnote, he still opens car doors.  We also still date, yes, date
    you know just the two of us out to dinner and a movie then maybe
    if we have time a sleezy motel.
    
    Debbie

    
    
       I agree totally with .36. I am dating a man who is 41, and I'm
    28. The best part of the relationship is the caring and consideration
    he shows me. It really makes you feel wanted and cared about. The
    maturity level that we meet on is great, especially when compared to
    some (not all :-) of the guys my age. So far, this has been the best
    (by far) relationship I've been in. Having a lot of things/feelings
    in common helps tremendously. 
    
       I do feel strongly on the point that most females mature (mentally)
    quicker, and I've always enjoyed someone I can have intelligent and
    meaningful conversations with. 
    
       It's very hard to describe until you've met someone that is that
    special. And I've never once felt at all uncomfortable about the age.
    I guess I was brought up with that way of thinking, that age doesn't
    matter...and it really doesn't if the love is true feeling for being
    together. It's nice having someone who gives as much as you and 
    appreciates the giving that you do.
    
           ..just another opinion from the younger woman..!!
    
           Kathy
    
    

    When I was younger, in my early 20's, it never even used to occur to me
    to notice men over 30.  (In fact, my *real* problem is that sometimes
    it doesn't occur to me *now*, and now I'm 40!) :-)
    
    It seems to me that I've always been most attracted to men who are a
    little bit younger than me.  It seems to me that *most* of the time I
    have more fun with younger guys.  Of course, what I consider "younger"
    keeps getting older as time goes by!  But, as I said, I'm 40, and I
    have sort of a hard time feeling attracted to men over 40, and forget
    over 45.  But, of my 3 major relationships, so far in life, all 3 were
    right around my age.  The first one, my ex-husband was 3 yrs. older
    than me, the next one was 2 yrs younger, and the most recent was 3 yrs.
    younger.
    
    Each to their own, but personally I like'm young!  (or to be realistic
    in their 30's)  :-)
    
    Lorna
    
    
    

              LORNA:
                 I,m with you,my little sweet heart has got some
    years on me.And sometimes I just want scream with joy,cause it 
    feels so right.I don't know what to say,but its wonderful.

    Basenoter,
    I read through this entire string, and kept wondering what your big
    issue is about age difference. Finally, you acknowledged that you
    didn't have a problem with it, once you met and were interested in
    someone 6 years older.  I also kept wondering why you would ponder so
    heavily while talking to the 29-year-old about his age.  This really
    seems to have some meaning for you, that is unclear from your notes.
    Perhaps it's simply that you aren't normally exposed or involved with
    people older than your age group??
    
    I met my husband when I was 20 and he 33. We've now been together 11
    years and married for 7. There are distinct differences, some because
    of our age difference, others simply because of who we are and how we
    were raised. I feel that the differences only serve to enhance what we
    bring to the relationship.
    
    It does, though, amaze me to think that he was graduating from high
    school when I was entering kindergarden!
    

    My female partner, a lady some 16 years my junior, and I were talking
    recently. We are both divorced. My marriage lasted nearly 22 years and
    hers about six.
    
    I mused, "I sometimes wish I'd met you 22 years ago." 
    
    Her response, "It would have done you no good. My mother wouln't have
    let me 'go out' with you (English for 'date').
    
    Me: "Why not?"
    
    She: "I was only six at the time!"
    
    Bucko...
    

    
    
    
        I'm new to this conference but, I thought I'd make a comment or
    2 about being the younger woman in a relationship..... If I thought 
    about the age difference we have I'd have to say he was married for
    5 years & had 2 kids when I was born..... His 1st wife died when she
    was 42 years old & he says I remind him of her.... I'm 43 now.....
       He rides a Harley, has his own business & parties with young &
    old alike...... He makes love like he was still in his teens & he
    can bring a smile to my face just thinking of him...... I wish I had
    as much energy as he always seems to have.... He's everything I've
    always wanted in a guy & more.... I wouldn't trade him for a rich
    man or a young man...... I like him just the way he is.... I hope
    we have a lotta years left together but, if we don't, at least I can
    say I loved a real man & was happy as long as it lasted..... 
    
    
    
                      ***** Deadhead Lefty *****