Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    
    	In my past marriage, I was the one who wished to stay home
    	while my ex was always up for a good party. In fact, towards
    	the end, she'd go out with the "girls" atleast twice during
    	the week. I tended to only care to go out on weekends. Still,
    	today (I'm still single after 10 years) I can be found home
    	during the week and even most weekend nights. I tend to go
    	out during the daytime on weekends and return home at night.
    	Maybe my being a non-drinker contributes to my desire to stay
    	at home as I find it a bore to be around someone under the
    	influence. Booze seems to bring out one of two behaviours,
    	either they are the world greatest, or they can kick everyone's
    	a*s. Not my idea of a good time listening to them go on and on
    	or trying to talk them out of getting in another fight just
    	to show how BAD they are. 
    
    	G_B

    Here we go. At last a topic in MENNOTES that I can feel fairly
    confident in replying to.
    
    I am the original stay at home guy. Even before my marriage, I never
    really wanted to do much. I am close to being a hermit. I suppose that
    that is what ended my marriage among other things. Beyond work, I don't
    have much desire to do anything and never have. It has gotten worse (or
    better from my viewpoint) since my divorce 6 years ago. 95% of my life
    follows this routine. I get up and do the 3 esses. Shower and shave
    being 2 of them. I go to work. I'm quite sociable and fairly agreeable
    at work. I have been politely called crotchety. But I'm not too grumpy.
    After work, I go home, have supper, and spend almost the entire evening
    in my room with the shades drawn. I have been known to spend the
    weekend the same way as I spend my evenings. Usually just leaving my
    room long enough to take care of waste disposal and minimal food
    consumption. Occasionally I will take a walk. This, however, is in a
    wooded area where I will only rarely come into contact with other
    people. I only go to the store when it's necessary and do not socialize
    beyond the required relative birthdays and holidays. I belive that I am
    the extreme of what you are trying to find out. I have no regrets and
    even enjoy being a permanent reclusive. If I was to win the lottery I
    doubt if I would be seen by the outside world as much as I am now.
    
    These NOTESFILES are pretty much my only outlet and this being very
    limited in its physical contact with others on the system seems to suit
    me. 
    
    BTW My favorite song is Simon and Garfunkle's I Am A Rock.
    
    Phil
    

    With my previous significant other, I wanted to go out more than
    she, who was quite the homebody. She put a lot of pressure on me
    to not go out either. This was one of many reasons.....
    
    My present S.O. and I both have social things we do together, and
    apart, and this is a lot healthier. We like each other's friends,
    too. Makes it all a lot more fun.
    
    -roger
    

Before I got married I was always out almost every night of the week
but I became a homebody afterwards prefering to go out only on the weekends.
I stayed the homebody after my divorce which is probably a prime reason why 
I'm still 6 years later. My wife never wanted to stay at home and would go
out with the girls if I insisted on staying home. I more or less got married
because I got tired of going out every night and wanted to settle down.

-j

    
    	RE: .2
    
    	At long last, someone I can relate to in this notesfile.
    	Since my divorce 9 1/2 years ago, I doubt if I've been
    	in a single resturant, met more than three people outside
    	of work, or gone to a single bar/nightclub. The more time
    	I can spend off by myself with no outside contact, the
    	better my nature becomes. I find I only get in a bad mood
    	when I'm forced in contact with people. To put it plainly,
    	I hate people!!!
    
    	G_B

    .5 what a handicap!, someone who hates people.  I can think of
    few "afflictions" I would less rather have.

    G_B, I don't hate people. Although our social lives have much in
    common, ie. there isn't any, I do enjoy eating out, I go out of my way
    to be nice to people and do stop and chat when I meet people that I
    know. I have 2 children that I am very much involved with even being a
    NCP, so I have to come into contact with teachers and sometimes other
    parents at school functions. I just go out of my way to avoid people
    when I can. It isn't anything the people have done. I just seem to have
    trouble holding up my end of the conversation and someone help me if
    there's ovr 3 people including me. I just fade out entirely. I have
    also decided that it's not worth the effort to get dressed up and go to
    singles places or even ask someone out. Yes, I still find women
    attractive. I would probably be diagnosed depressive, but I'm not.
    I do probably lack some self-esteem and sense of worth, but not real
    heavily and if we met, you wouldn't think so. I'm clean, relatively
    neat and no, this isn't a singles add. I just don't think I'm worht the
    time it takes to put in on me beyond being Human.
    
    Phil

    
    	RE: .7
    
    	Well, now that you put it that way, I wouldn't say I hate
    	people either. I guess it was a poor word selection on my
    	part. You're right, I don't hate people, I do have to interface
    	with them both on and off the job, and like you I am also
    	a NCP and love both my dearly (would trade my life for them
    	in a heartbeat). It is funny that we both share simlar feelings
    	about dealings with 'outsiders'. Also, don't get me wrong, I
    	have never in my life been rude to another person, that is
    	unless I was treated rudely first. I do try to smile and say
    	hi to everyone, just beyond that I don't have any involvement.
    
    	Sorry for the confussion,
    
    	G_B

I'm an introvert

    RE .2, Phil
    
    But what do you do in your room all evening? Read? TV?
    

    Lynn, I read obsessivly. I watch TV. Mostly movies. I bought a VCR last
    year and have since purchased over 150 movies. I won't rent them, but
    that's another issue. Same with reading, I won't go and check books out
    of the library but I do have to own them. Again it's obsession.
    
    I also talk to my kids on the phone and to my three best friends. THey
    are all women and all live at least 450 miles away. Kentucky,
    Pennsylvania, and Colorado. I live in New Hampshire.
    
    Sometimes I just meditate. 

    You buy the movies vs. renting them?  Do you watch them again and again
    or do you just like to own them?  What do you mean by being obsessed to
    buy them?  Boy... thats alot of money to tie up in videotapes.  

 Phil-

 Have you considered trepanning? :-)

 The Doctah (licensed trepannist)

    I can definately relate with this topic. I am the ultimate slorg.
    If at all possible I try to avoid going into public places. When
    I go shopping I'm in and out of the stores like a rocket, or I'll
    shop mail order. When I go out with the boys I rarely engage myself
    in conversation with strangers. I like to work out, but found I didn't
    like the club atmosphere, so I spent the money and bought everything
    I need to work out at home. After work and on the weekends I slowly
    become molded to the couch. Yep, I can definately relate to all
    of the Al Bundy's of the world.
    
    Bill
    

    I do watch the movies again and again. I read and re-read my books. I
    collect comic books also. Books and movies, I want to own so that I may
    watch them whenever I want to. Ialso loan my movies to people here at
    work. I don't worry about when they come back. As long as I get them
    back. Some of my books I have sent out and never seen again. If I want
    to read them again I just rebuy them. These are paperbacks were talking
    about here.
    
    No, I wouldn't consider trepanning. I read about it in a Charles
    Berlitz book and thought it was the silliest, stupidest, and funniest
    thing I ever heard of. I laughed for hours.
    
    Phil

 Phil-

 Alot of people really believed in that. Gotta let those evil spirits out, you
know. :-)

 I'm glad you realized I was joking.

 The Doctah

    I think he means hole in the head. I did. My take on it was not evil
    spirits as in ancient times. I thought it was to achieve a "permanent
    high" or state of euphoria by letting more air into the brain. This is
    the silliest thhing I have heard of one person doing to themselves.
    Doctah, I know you were joking. 
    
    Phil

When married my wife preferred going out more than I did.  Part of the problem
was we never really agreed on what we wanted to do.  I enjoyed doing things
that didn't require a lot of planning or spur of the moment type things.  She
had to know where were going, why and what will we do when we get there.

Now that I'm single again I guess it could be said that I am a borderline
hermit.  I enjoy time I spend by myself (most of time), but there are also
times when I love to go out particuarly when getting together with the friends
I care about a lot.  During the time I spend by myself I'll read, listen to
music, try to learn to play my guitar, watch some television (which I try to
limit to nature or current events type programming) or excersize.  Right now
I feel the time I spend by myself is comfortably balanced by the time I spend
out.  I also have my 2 younger kids everyother week which I really enjoy.



Jim

    Hmmm. The introverted men seem to be in the majority... Of course, that
    *could* be a side effect of being in this particular conference. Just
    for balance, I'm female and introverted; no party animal here. I don't
    have a problem getting along with people, and do like to do things with
    friends, etc., but most of the time I'd prefer staying home and
    reading, or staying home and watching a ball game, or staying home and
    <just about anything>.
    
    I like the quiet life, but I'll admit that staying home makes it
    difficult to meet new people - except for repair people and burglars...
    ;-)
    
    -b

    Beth, I don't think that the conference or the replies so far really
    mean that introverted men are in the majority, not that you said
    precisely that, I realize ;-).  Hmmm...I think usually one finds
    introverted men not discussing the fact, nor stepping forward with
    their own self-evaluation this way, because it is popularly linked with
    'being in touch with one's emotions' and thus, introverted men are
    devalued from the beginning of the discussion for NOT being that...even
    if they feel a better model or paradigm might explain introvertedness
    than a lack of emotionalism.  I think the entries here in this topic
    might serve as that better model, for people who want to feel positiove
    about that facet of the personalities.
    
    I don't consider myself introverted, though, so I don't think I'll be
    able to help in the development of that model.
    
    DougO

    i'm certainly not introverted.  in fact, i'm quite gregareous, and i
    enjoy going out.  but, i don't do it that often.  (often is relative,
    though.)  
    
    i really enjoy quiet time...and so does my wife.  we enjoy sitting
    together, talking or reading.  but, we entertain fairly frequently and
    are often entertained.  it's a balance, i think.
    
    tony

    The fact that more of the replies from men are from introverted men is
    probably due to sample bias. That is, that introverted men have more
    time and inclination to read notes. Non-introverted men, like me, have
    better things to do than write replies to notes. :-)
    
    	-- Charles

	I would say that the majority of people are ambiverts.




	kits

    Well,here are some interesting points of veiws.Myself I guess it
    depends on the situation.If I am feeling a little maid at the world
    then I guess I do stay home alittle more often.Being only single
    for one year,then I can relate to just sitting home and reading
    or watching a little T.V....But sometimees I rather be out with
    people doing things and having alittle fun.Most people I know have
    a time when they just want to stay home and read or watch T.V....
          But just remember,this is not always the answer,too just set
    and do nothing.There,is community work you could do,or and people
    who could use alittle help from you.This keeps things in a little
    balance,and keeps you alittle more sound,both inside and out.
          There are a lot of people who would,sayI am crazy for saying
    hello,and or good morning to perfect stranger.But,thats the only
    way we can all understand each other,and just make life a little
    more pleasant for everybody.

    re .27 Regarding community work. I have a hard time getting around to
    such places. I don't drive. I haven't driven in over 10 years and of
    course, I don't have a license. I would have to retake the test and am
    a little nervous about that. I gave it up at a time when I needed the
    money to feed my children more than the state needed it for a piece of
    plastic. Some of the causes that I might find interest in are to far
    away to walk to and the bus doesn't go that way. I try to help here and
    there by pledging for different drives and by making a decent sized
    weekly contribution to the United Way here at work. 
    
    Regarding greeting strangers, I have always done this. I find it makes
    me feel better and I hope it might give a boost to the day for them. I
    still feel that I don't really want to get out into the world all that
    much and find holding up my end of a regular conversation very
    difficult. 
    
    Phil

    
    Phil,
    
    many hotlines offer the options of working from your home. The calls
    service and then are put through to whichever Volunteer is on duty.
    
    You would have to find a way to get to the trainings, and probably
    monthly meetings.
    
    It may be worth checking up.
    
    * Sylvia *

    
    
    That *should* have read:
    
    The calls come in at an answering service and then ...
    
    * sylvia *
    

    Sylvia, not my house and not my phone. So I can't use it for that
    purpose. Please everyone, just let it lie. I enjoy my life and do not
    have any problems along these lines. If I was in a situation where I
    could do more, I would. That isn't feasable at the moment. After my
    children get out of school maybe then. But that is at least 5 more
    years. THey don't live with me. I see them when I can and do what I
    can. I'm content because to dwell on it would drive me to the funny
    farm and I'm not quite ready for that yet.
    
    Phil

    re .28, Phil, how do you get to work?  You said you "havn't ridden (in
    a car?) in XX years"?  Apparently you must walk ALOT, or take public
    transportation?  Do you live in a city or suburbs?  I wonder because
    I am trying to imagine how I would "survive" with NO use of a car
    available to me. At the least, it would involve MAJOR changes in my
    lifestyle and place of work.  One could surely live with no vehicle
    riding in a SMALL town if you worked there too... but other than that
    I am hard pressed to imagine how someone could get along like that.
    Perhaps I reflect the American way of vehicle dependence.  The system
    builds upon itself and creates its' own demand thus making it harder
    and harder to escape vehicle dependence.
    
    Incidentally my mother-in-law hasn't been off her suburban property in
    over three years.  I stil shake my head trying to figure how she can
    stand to stay as homebound as that.
    

    Oh Oh, sorry Phil, I didn't read .31 before posting .32   Usually I read
    to the end but this time I didn't.  Just forget my questions if you
    like.  Jeff

       Thats OK if this is the way you choose to live that is fine.We
    keep forgetting,sometimes people ten too stick there nose where
    it don"t belong.And I guess I just did.SORRY!
       This is America,and I don:t have the right to till you how to
    live.
    
    

    re .33 I didn't say that I hadn't ridden in a car. I just havn't driven
    a car in over 10 years. I do take the bus and cabs where necessary. I
    also walk a lot. 2 mi each way to and from the bus stop. If the day is
    nice I might even walk all the way home from the shop. 6 mi. I walk to
    the grocery store 1 mi each way. I just don't buy a lot at once. I also
    walk to visit my children. 2.5 mi. each way. If the distance is to
    silly to walk, I take a cab or bus or plane.
    
    re .34 Please, no apologies are necessary. If people didn't tend to try
    to help me, then I would probably be a rotten SOB and tell you where to
    get off. Instead, because some of you take the time to care (With
    apologies to WBZ-TV) I still have faith in people. Never apologize to
    me for caring. You may not have the right to tell me how to live, but I
    don't have the right not to politely listen to you before accepting or
    refusing your advice. Thank You for caring.
    
    Phil
    

    I used to think I enjoyed being alone.  Then one day I realized
    I was lonely and miserably unhappy.  I've discovered the world
    is worth being in.
    
    Now, it's really not quite that simple, and I certainly didn't just
    wake up one morning with a blinding relevation and immediately go
    out and become Joe Social, and I still in fact *do* enjoy a lot of
    quiet time to myself.  My life is a lot more balanced now though.
    I got married, and have a kid, and my life is a lot richer and more
    rewarding than it used to be.
    
    There was a particular reason for my isolation; growing up, I
    stuttered severely.  I think I went through all of grade and high
    school and college without saying more than a half-dozen things
    in class.  Stuttering was a HUGE problem for me.  Now, after several
    years of help with that and several years of counseling, it's not
    anywhere as big a deal.  Getting out of my isolation took an immense 
    amount of work, but it just got to the point of being too painful 
    not to.
    So I got help with stuttering.  I got counseling; only after I'd
    been in counseling about six months did I realize just how much
    I needed it.  I did weekend workshops, some weirder than others.
    Interestingly (to me, at least!) I discovered that the stuttering
    itself was the least of my problems.  The main problem I had was
    adjusting to the idea that I was basically normal, after years and
    years of living with a self-image approximately at the level of
    pond scum.  I read a lot of books on relationships and philosoply
    and Taoism and New Age enlightenment and everything else.  And it
    all gradually helped me sort out my life.  I feel good (mostly)
    about life now.
    
    So...if you truly enjoy being alone, that's fine.  I can relate
    to that; there are a lot of things to be said for quiet contemplation
    and privacy and a monastical existance.  When I was isolated, there
    were definitely things about it that I enjoyed a lot.  I still enjoy
    being alone sometimes.

    But if you decide that maybe isolation and alone-ness isn't all
    it's cracked up to be, you *can* change the pattern.  The problem
    is, there are no directions on how to do it, and what I did may
    not be what you need to do anyway.  Just start trying different
    things, and don't be disheartened when things don't work.  I think
    I tried seven different therapists until I found *the* one that
    was right for me.  I did workshops; some of them helped, and some
    of them got filed under "weird weekends I have had."  If you decide
    your life needs an overhaul, just keep at it.

    Back to the original topic:
    
    This may not be true, but personal experience, tells me that women
    are more social then men. 
    
    I think this is because they tend to make friends easier.  They can
    make friends quicker then a man can change his shirt....???!!! Must be 
    all those trips to the powder room.  ;-) 
    
    I never met nobody who actually hated to be with people. Its just that
    it must be the right people doing the right things. In another works
    friends doing something they find interesting.
    
    So women tend to socialize more, that is talk together, do things together
    etc simply because they have more friends to do it with....or is it the
    other way around?

    
    
    > I never met nobody who actually hated to be with people.
    
    
    Faye:  I hate people, do you hate people?
    
    Mickey:  Well, I seem to feel a lot better when they're not around.
    
    
    
    			Fay Dunnaway (sp?) and Mickey Rourke
    			"Barfly"