Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    from my experience I'm not sure sex will be the real problem to deal
    with. both of my kids (older than yours - and my mother - sigh) would
    ask about "little" things  like why I needed to buy two pillows when
    one would do. Is that the same person you spent Christmas with last
    year. I tried to call last night but no answer. Were you at Xs house? 
    
    What I'm trying to get at is, the emotional stuff will be more important
    to them. The mother replacement, etc. They are at an age where they are
    getting sexual input. Outside of some minor embarassment the next
    morning the sexual part will probably be ignored. The emotions arising
    from what the sleep over could mean to them will raise more havoc.
    
    Dj

    I havn't been in your position, I am not divorced, but, I would be glad
    to give you my opinion.  I believe you have a right to your life and
    if that includes re-marrying so be it.   There should be alot of years
    left for you during which your kids will have a reduced involvement in
    your homelife, at least in the sense that they will not be around home
    as much.
    
    I would be straight forward with them.  I would respect their opinion
    and be willing to compromise with any objections they may have but I
    would not let their opinion(s) be a determining factor in WHETHER you
    have a relationship (potentially marriageable relationship) with a
    woman.    Jeff

    I'd suggest the answer is pretty closely related with how YOU would
    feel if you son asked you if his girlfriend could stay the night
    with him, or if your daughter asked if her boyfriend could share her
    bed in your home.  If you are "liberal" and could accept these
    propositions, then I guess having your own girlfriend over for the
    night would be an acceptable situation for them.  But, if you'd flip
    out if *they* did it, then I suggest you use discretion around your
    kids.
    
    My observation (having six kids from 11 to 25) is that they do not
    accept the rationalization that it's somehow ok for you to behave one
    way while expecting a different standard for them.  
    
    Since you asked for personal experiences:  I was divorced nearly two
    years ago.  I had an apartment of my own (my children visited me there,
    but did not live there).  
    
    My ex-wife tells me that my daughter (who is now 14) really resented
    seeing evidence of a woman around that apartment.  
    
    Now, I know that my ex will say or do anything that will bring me
    grief, but I must at least give some credence to the notion that my 
    daughter may in fact have felt badly about that.  My daughter, even
    today, resents my present wife, and will not acknowledge her existance.
    
    tony

    I just had my daughter (14 1/2) staying with me for seven weeks. In
    that time I both had a woman at my place all night, stayed at a womans
    place for most of the night, and visited a women where we both stayed a
    few nights.
    
    No problem. Accept that your children will comment, and that they are
    eintitled to comment. For me, sleeping with a woman did not mean that I
    would approve of my daughter sleeping with a boyfriend....at this
    stage.
    
    It will also show your children that you lead a normal life, and that
    the relationship with your mother is really finished. That is painfull,
    but presumably correct. It might also show them that you still love
    them, even though you dont sleep with their mother anymore.
    
    Need I go on?
    Regards,
    Heinrich

    Sorry, just read the base-note again.
    
    I would not talk to my daughter in advance about it, like it was some
    serious, important issue (which it is not). 
    
    The women comes to your place, you have talks, drinks, whatever, she
    spends the night, the kids either notice (likely) or not. If they dont,
    you mention it. Otherwise you look what they say, and react.
    
    Relax. Enjoy.
    Regards,
    Heinrich

    It has been my experience that you cannot tell your children one thing
    and do another.
    
    I don't think it is necessary to tell or to have your children aware of
    your relationship with other individuals until such point that you are
    considering making the relationship permanent.
    
    If your children live with you it is their home and although they have
    less input in the running of the home then the adult they should have 
    some consideration in who the guests are.
    
    If you see you are a non custodial parent it would seem that your time
    with them should be exclusive of your other relationships.
    
    And I tend to disagree with the author of the last two notes. 
    Relationships are very important and children learn how to handle
    relationships from us.  I would guess your answer is within yourself,
    whatever behaviors you exhibit in front of your children should be ones
    that you expect them to emulate either now or in adult life.
    
    

    Way back when I was a single mother, I found it worked the best to
    talk to Kathy about my dates in the same way I talked to her about
    my other social activities -- "I won't be home tonight until late
    because I'm having dinner with an old friend, but don't worry,
    your grandmother will be taking care of you" or something like
    that.  
    
    I never had anybody I wanted to sleep with in those days, not
    until I met Neil.  Since she had always known about him, and I
    told her what good friends he and I had become and how happy I
    was, it didn't come as a surprise to her when we wanted to move in
    together. 
    
    She was a preschooler, not a teenager, but I think unapologetic
    consideration  would probably work equally well for kids of any
    age, or for your parents or roommates, for that matter.  You've
    got a right to your own life, but they've got a right to know
    about things that affect their lives too.  That doesn't mean
    you're accountable to them, and especially not that they have veto
    power over your relationships, but that if your date is going to
    be there in the morning, it may inconvenience their plans for
    running naked from the shower to the bedroom in the morning, or
    having some time to themselves over breakfast. 
    
    Keep in mind that teenagers are VERY rigid and moralistic,
    especially about their parents.  If you are engaging in behavior
    that you won't allow them to do, or if you're stepping out of
    their categories of what parents should do, they're not going to
    like it.  I'm not saying that this should stop you from doing it,
    only that you should be prepared for that kind of reaction.
    
    --bonnie

    re .7, Bonnie-
    
    > Keep in mind that teenagers are VERY rigid and moralistic,
    > especially about their parents. 
    
    Awww, come on, it depends upon the relationship between you and them.
    Perhaps if one has been playing the 'parent' role to the hilt and
    preaching strict morality at them, sure...when my parents split up I
    was 15, and I moved in with my father.  We had a discussion.  He said
    he'd eventually be dating.  He probably said a lot more, we had a lot
    of talks in those days, but when his dates stayed over, or when he was
    out all night, hey, that's how grownups handle their lives.  I didn't
    go ballistic on him.  Other teens will probably react as they have been
    raised to react though- if you've been preaching one morality but want
    to live by another, then you'll see some fireworks.
    
    DougO

    I dunno -- maybe things have changed since we were teenagers.  My
    daughter and her friends are all highly critical of their parents'
    behavior.   Kat gets on my case for being too loose and not having
    ENOUGH standards.  
    
    I don't think I've been guilty of playing the parent role to the
    hilt, either.
    
    --bonnie

    Bonnie may be painting with a broad brush...but, she pretty well
    covered the way it is.  Teenage is a pretty rough time on kids these
    days.  I'm glad *I* don't have to be one!  
    
    I have six kids, and five of 'em are now or recently have been
    teenagers.  
    
    They ARE inflexible...  also very self centered.  That is not a
    criticism, just an observation.  They are full of themselves, growing
    and learning and experiencing.  It's as it should be.  And when mom or
    dad steps out of the "norm", they often do go ballistic.  
    
    Any distration is, to them, often a catastrophy, or at the least,
    something undesirable.
    
    tony

    
    
    Thanks for all of the input. Although in the end we (all) have to do what
    feels right for us, the replies helped me to focus on some of the main
    issues.   
    
    I've since talked with both of my kids and to my almost surprise, they
    seemed to be OK with it. My son was a bit surprised that I would "go
    against my own morals"- this stems from a messy divorce where his
    mother was practically living with someone and I raised cain about it.
    I explained to him that it was mostly jealousy that caused me to react
    that way, and that I had changed quite a bit since. (10 years ago) I
    was pleasantly enlightened that he would have a definate opinion of me and
    could talk about it with me. It felt good.
    
    My S.O. and I are still working out how we feel about it, and for now
    will keep it low key.
    
    Again, Thanks for all the replies, keep it up.
    
    R.M.